Sunday, December 6, 2009

Latter Day Larringtons

From the Church of Latter Day Larringtons: Our Stance on the Issues Today


Hello, brothers and sisters. It's time for our Church to lay down the ground rules.

That's right. Every good church has a list of do's and don't's and ours is no different.

I hear some of you sighing. Yes, I can hear you through my computer, because I am Levi, come back from the dead and ready to rock your body with my religious rules.

Many churches have rules on diet, sex, and prayer. Now, while most of these rules are retarded and stupid and anyone who believes in them is a turnip-faced douche; we do have a rule concerning other religions and some others to get you going on saving your friends:



1. THOU SHALT NOT TALK BADLY ABOUT THE OTHER BACKWARDS, SAVAGE, AND incoherent RELIGIONS!



That's right. If any of our brothers or sisters should say one foul word about the fetid Petri dish of shitty religions that aren't even half as cool and right as ours, they will have to blow me. Yes, even the dudes. Because, hey, a blowjob is faceless as long as you close your eyes.



2. THOU SHALT NOT MAKE WAR ON ANOTHER NATION OR PERSON UNLESS THEY ARE WRONG AND YOU ARE RIGHT!



It's just that simple. The Larringtons are a peaceful people and I have commanded my servants, er, God's servants to lay down all arms and respond to all hatred and arrows with a big hug. But, if they that offend you are wrong and you are right, then you shall kill them, rape and slaughter their family, and bomb the living shit out of their country until you can only smell the memory of the carcass that created such a wrongful and ugly opinion of you or the Larringtons. But, make sure you're in the right.



3. THOU SHALT NOT WORSHIP FALSE PROPHETS, UNLESS THEY ARE GOING TO HELP OUR RELIGION OUT SOME HOW!



Thou that worship the golden calf shall be put on an iron fire of a thousand sparkling tongues of liquid hot magma. But, if the golden calf is a bank note, politician, or corporation that will help us take over Alabama, or spread our word further, or will make Axl, Matthew, or I richer, more powerful, or hard – then, by all means, worship away. Just come back when I need you for some other errand.



4. THOU SHALT NOT MIX THOUEST HASH BROWNS WITH THOUEST OMELET!



Look, don't question it. All of these aren't going to make sense. I go up to heaven after you murderous pukes crucified me for the ham thing and the first thing I order is a grand slam breakfast. Well, I usually mix up the hash and the omelet and put it on toast, but then I hear God yelling at me for doing so. Look, when God is yelling at you, you don't ask why. So, look – just don't fucking mix hash browns with your omelet! Aight?



5. THOU SHALT NOT QUESTION ME WHEN I BREAK ANY OF THESE RULES!



Who started the religion, died for your sins, etc.? Hmmm? It was I, the Levi. And you know what? I'd do it again. But, please, don't question my ways. If I tell you not mix your hash browns with your omelet – don't fucking do it. Now, if you catch me doing it – shut the fuck up and pretend you didn't see it. My ways are mysterious and delicious and the likes of you and your brethren will never fully understand them. So, like I said – do as I say, not as I do. Wasn't that in a Metallica song? Hey, you remember Metallica? Boy, did they take a nosedive after And Justice for All. Which reminds me...



6. THOU SHALT AGREE WITH MY THEORY THAT METALLICA HAS SUCKED SINCE AFTER AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! THOU SHALT NOT EVER DISAGREE WITH MY OPINION ON BOOKS, MOVIES, AND MUSIC!



Many of you will say that Metallica didn't suck until after the "black" album. Bullshit! And Justice for All was the last good Metallica album. Wait, I'm changing this one to be all-inclusive. OK, that's better. Some other things: it's fair to say Pulp Fiction is the best movie ever made, but then remember about five that were just as good nine minutes later. Likewise, it's OK to say Cat's Cradle is the best book ever written, and then remember nine other books that were just as good within five minutes. Oh, and also to remember how Vonnegut has sucked since around 1975. OH, and that popular music peaked in 1973 and 1994. Accept my word and move forward with your crappy media until we get some better shit in 2015.



7. WE SHALL ALLOT 1% OF ALL OUR FISCAL EARNINGS TO SOME SHITTY THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND THEN WE'LL SEND PROPHETS TO CONVERT THEM ALL BASED ON OUR DONATION!



Look, I can't run this religion without money. My ivory anal beads cost 8 grand a link and these hookers here aren't free. So, with that in mind, it's important to remember that we can't be giving money out willy nilly just because we care about the poor or whatever. But, as my plastic surgery, toupee, and wife's makeup cost more than you'll see in your life or afterlife and I kinda feel guilty about this – I'm giving 1% of our haul (contributed by you, the sheep) to some shitty third world country. In this way, we'll be able to go over and brainwash them and when asked why we're ruining someone's culture with our own we can say – CUZ WE BOUGHT THEM A BAG OF GRAIN! LOOK AT THE BAG OF GRAIN! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU FOR QUESTIONING OUR CHARITY! Then we'll point at the bag of grain we dropped on some pot-bellied child's house and cry. For we are saddened when we are questioned. For we are always right. See rule # 2.



8. THOU SHALL HAVE ALL THE GAY SEX AND ABORTIONS THOU WANTS! THOU CANNOT HAVE GAY SEX OR ABORTIONS!



So, I'm watching this porno about these hot college wrestlers and they start showering and I realize I'm totally aroused. So, me and this girl Tiffany go and pick up a male prostitute and have this incredible threeway. Oh, my God, I've never jizzed so hard in my life. Which turned out to be a bad thing, cuz I totally got Tiffany (or maybe it was Raoul who did it) pregnant and she had to get an abortion. Thank God for abortions. Man, if my wife found out I had committed adultery and had gay sex and got rid of the child to save my as – you think God's wrath is bad. I mean, I was talking it over with Raoul and he was like "Yeah, Maria would be pissed." Wait..how did he know her name? Could she have? Wait, Tiffany knew her name too! OH SHIT! THAT SLUT! THAT DIRTY SLUT! OK, wait, let me make a correction before I go and beat my wife.



9. BLAME THE ESKIMOS!



OK, look, we're only human. We all make mistakes and God and I understand. So, look, if you fuck up and your wife finds you in bed with a sixteen-year-old girl scout and you're listening to the Metallica "black" album, hey, we forgive you. But, those outside the Church will not. No, they want to tear us apart because they hate our love of God. That's why, in these situations it's important to have someone around to take the blame. And that someone is going to be Eskimos. Why the Eskimos? Well, most religions relied on Jews, Blacks, or Communists – but, that's not the world of the day. No, these people actually have large groups that will put an end to our government funding. That's why we rely on the Eskimos. When was the last time you saw Eskimos march on Washington? I believe it was the year Two Thousand and Totally Never Happened.

So, there you go. Sorry Eskimos – but, we're running a business, er, religion here.



10. TALK IN WHINY effeminate VOICES AND WEAR LOTS OF MAKEUP AND SELL BOOKS!



It's important that we market this religion correctly. Now, in order to market a religion you have to accept that you now worship the dollar instead of the God, see rule # 3. Now, in order to accept the fact that you're a hypocrite, your mind will turn on you. Where I say no gay sex, I now want you to act as stereotypically gay as possible and whine a lot like a third grader that's not getting his way. Also, where I've always said to love others and yourself as a creation of God that nothing can destroy and what is truly perfect – now, you're going to have to totally disguise yourself, because you know you're a hideous, repellant sacrilege of hypocrisy and fallen faith. Next, you're going to have to sell a buttload of books about how great I am. Make up odd stories about the end of the world and how only Larringtons will receive salvation. Cast that toady from Growing Pains if you make a movie.



K, that's it for now.

I'll be spending the better part of the day transcribing our creation story from the mouth of God. So, if you need me I'm going to ascend into heaven for a couple hours (via two tabs of E). Tiffany should be taking messages via email and the comments section.


Pleace,

LEVI

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