Classic Larrington
8/2001
Jesse Helms Admits Devil Collaboration
By Matt Eckert, Associated Press Writer
RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) - Sen. Jesse Helms, the former newspaper editor and TV commentator who has been one of the most fiercely conservative voices on Capitol Hill for three decades, has decided to own up on his deal with Satan and begins his eternal hell on Earth today hosting a late night BET talk show.
The five-term Republican will announce the plans Wednesday night on Raleigh TV station WRAL, where he made his reputation during the 1960s with his editorials condemning communists and civil rights marchers, said two sources who spoke with staffers in Helms' office. The sources spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity.
Helms, 179, was first elected to the Senate in 1872. In recent years, he has suffered a variety of health problems, including prostate cancer, Tourettes, and erectile dysfunction. Since his deal with Satan he has not been able to die.
Two GOP sources said Helms' staff members have begun telling senior Republicans, including advisers to President Bush that Helms will don a large African medallion and will be "rapping" with the common man. Eddie Woodhouse, a Helms aide in Raleigh, refused to say what the televised show would involve. WRAL general manager Bill Peterson confirmed Helms asked for every one of his family and close friends to "not watch the show." Helms' wife, Dorothy, brushed aside reports that she would be taking a job as Louis Farrakhan's personal assistant (maid).
His departure could complicate GOP hopes of reclaiming the narrowly divided Senate. Democrats seized control by one vote earlier this year when Sen. James Jeffords of Vermont left the GOP to become an olive green table chair. Another senior Republican, 98-year-old Sen. Strom Thurmond of South Carolina, has said his deal with Satan simply left his genitals numb. Thurmond then remarked, "Jesus, I got off lucky, I heard that Satan's got Helms whooping it up with Rap bands and such rebel rousers as Ike Turner and Carrot top.
The GOP is defending 20 Senate seats in 2002, including Thurmond's. Democrats are defending 14, none of them have deals with the devil, but are on God's list of possible Jobs.
Helms has been active in North Carolina politics since he worked to elect segregationist Willis Smith to the Senate in 1950. He continued with evil into the 1970s when he rigged elections for Nixon and later for Reagan. During his 29 years in the Senate, Helms has opposed abortion and advocated school prayer. His propensity for going his own way earned him the nickname "That Bastard that's Going to Fry."
A staunch opponent of communist regimes and critic of foreign aid, he has exerted a major influence in foreign affairs, trying desperately to start a global nuclear war that would bring about his only chance of salvation - Armageddon.
He frustrated President Clinton by holding up the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, and was a primary author of a law restricting minorities to breathe American oxygen. He also was a leading force in withholding U.S. dues to the United Nations.
Although he has mellowed in recent years, Helms considers himself a family values stalwart and has often condemned what he called gay lifestyles. When asked what this lifestyle entailed he published his first novel entitled "Johnny Looks Cute in Short Shorts," a very graphic piece of erotica many homosexuals surprisingly enjoyed.
He can also be charming, with a genteel Southern manner, and a Germanic sense of ritual torture. He ended up on good terms with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright toward the end of the Clinton administration, though he often referred to her as a Jewish Princess.
He even endeared himself to Bono, lead singer of the Irish rock band U2, who invited the bemused grandfather to one of his concerts. Later the sold out show followed Bono's orders and had Helms beaten unrecognizable.
At home, Helms was embraced by Republicans and conservative Democrats in rural North Carolina who became known as "Jessecrats." After seeing the talk shows pilot the number of Jessecrats has dwindled from 20 to 2.
Poor health hasn't dulled Helms' appetite for a good fight, even with a Republican president. This summer, Helms stalled the appointments of some Treasury Department officials in an attempt to push Bush out a window and down some stairs as seen in the Exorcist.
"He's wearing afro sheen, listening to Public Enemy and smoking dope, god forgive him...whoops," former state GOP chairman Jack Hawke said Tuesday.
- AP White House correspondent Ron Fournier contributed to this report.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Another Pitch to the Producers
How about a children's movie about animals?
MATT ECKERT PRESENTS A CHILDREN'S MOVIE ABOUT ANIMALS
1. I demand that this be claymation, but all the animals are made out of foods that they make. For instance, the pig is made out of bacon and the cow is bunch of hamburgers tied together.
2. We get mega bucks from PETA to create this film. Then, we use the mega bucks to sue PETA for defamation when they find out we used them and call us on it.
3. The child must be played by a midget. I will not tolerate child actors on my set.
OPEN TO MAURY THE COW AND WILLIAM THE PIG ON A SPACESHIP. THERE ARE A NUMBER OF DIALS AND CONTROLS THAT THE COW MANIPULATES WITH HIS HAMBURGER HANDS.
MAURY
Isn't space swell?
WILLIAM
Almost as swell as our friendship. What's that?
WE PAN OVER AND SEE A LARGE TURKEY FLYING IN SPACE. THE TURKEY IS MADE OF SLICED TURKEY TIED TOGETHER. HE IS ATTACHED TO A HANG GLIDER. HIS NAME IS BENJI.
MAURY
Identify yourself!
BENJI
I am Benji. I request permission to come aboard.
WILLIAM
I don't know, Maury, one friend is enough. This spacecraft is pretty small.
MAURY
William, you surprise me sometimes. Don't you understand that space is room enough for everyone.
WILLIAM
Then I guess, all aboard!
CUT TO BENJI WHO SMILES AS THE SPACESHIP'S HANGER DOORS OPEN. BY THE WAY, THE SPACESHIP IS MADE OUT OF SPACESHIP - WE CAN BUY PARTS FROM NASA ON THE CHEAP I KNOW A GUY.
BENJI
Thank you for accepting me on your spaceflight. I bring terrible news from the farm. PETA has shut the farm down and is demanding that we no longer get assisted suicides when we get sick of life.
MAURY
That is horrible news. When will PETA understand that we want to die at some point. Just because we are mere animals, that doesn't mean that we don't believe in a creator and don't desire to meet our creator and return home to the lunch pail in the sky.
WILLIAM
We must go to the farm and fight them.
BENJI
But they are peaceful.
CUT TO MAURY WITH A SAWED OFF SHOT GUN MADE FROM A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT OTHER SAWED OFF SHOTGUNS. HE COCKS THE GUN AND...
MAURY
Well, we aren't.
What do you think? Is that pretty rad? I know I'm asking a lot, but the last time I checked hamburgers were like 99 cents and PETA would pay for the whole thing as long as we said we were just depicting animals made from their processed carcasses.
I think we have a gold mine here. If you're reading this to your producer friends, don't read this part (Wink and give them a thumbs up).
MATT ECKERT PRESENTS A CHILDREN'S MOVIE ABOUT ANIMALS
1. I demand that this be claymation, but all the animals are made out of foods that they make. For instance, the pig is made out of bacon and the cow is bunch of hamburgers tied together.
2. We get mega bucks from PETA to create this film. Then, we use the mega bucks to sue PETA for defamation when they find out we used them and call us on it.
3. The child must be played by a midget. I will not tolerate child actors on my set.
OPEN TO MAURY THE COW AND WILLIAM THE PIG ON A SPACESHIP. THERE ARE A NUMBER OF DIALS AND CONTROLS THAT THE COW MANIPULATES WITH HIS HAMBURGER HANDS.
MAURY
Isn't space swell?
WILLIAM
Almost as swell as our friendship. What's that?
WE PAN OVER AND SEE A LARGE TURKEY FLYING IN SPACE. THE TURKEY IS MADE OF SLICED TURKEY TIED TOGETHER. HE IS ATTACHED TO A HANG GLIDER. HIS NAME IS BENJI.
MAURY
Identify yourself!
BENJI
I am Benji. I request permission to come aboard.
WILLIAM
I don't know, Maury, one friend is enough. This spacecraft is pretty small.
MAURY
William, you surprise me sometimes. Don't you understand that space is room enough for everyone.
WILLIAM
Then I guess, all aboard!
CUT TO BENJI WHO SMILES AS THE SPACESHIP'S HANGER DOORS OPEN. BY THE WAY, THE SPACESHIP IS MADE OUT OF SPACESHIP - WE CAN BUY PARTS FROM NASA ON THE CHEAP I KNOW A GUY.
BENJI
Thank you for accepting me on your spaceflight. I bring terrible news from the farm. PETA has shut the farm down and is demanding that we no longer get assisted suicides when we get sick of life.
MAURY
That is horrible news. When will PETA understand that we want to die at some point. Just because we are mere animals, that doesn't mean that we don't believe in a creator and don't desire to meet our creator and return home to the lunch pail in the sky.
WILLIAM
We must go to the farm and fight them.
BENJI
But they are peaceful.
CUT TO MAURY WITH A SAWED OFF SHOT GUN MADE FROM A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT OTHER SAWED OFF SHOTGUNS. HE COCKS THE GUN AND...
MAURY
Well, we aren't.
What do you think? Is that pretty rad? I know I'm asking a lot, but the last time I checked hamburgers were like 99 cents and PETA would pay for the whole thing as long as we said we were just depicting animals made from their processed carcasses.
I think we have a gold mine here. If you're reading this to your producer friends, don't read this part (Wink and give them a thumbs up).
Gossip, Girl
Apparently you don't work for a big movie studio.
But not to worry, I have plenty of celebrity gossip to pitch you.
For the flat fee of 700 billion dollars an email I will send you 20 choice bits of entertainment gossip I have gleaned from attaining The Shining as a small infant when my father closed a car door on my hand.
This is your only freebie. After this, all emails with celebrity gossip will cost you.
1. Allyssa Milano is regularly dewormed.
2. Alfonso Ribera and Judd Hirsch were seen spelunking in Israel over the holidays. It's rumored that the two are an item.
3. Big Bird to come out on a very special Sesame Street.
4. Conan O'Brien, after hearing news that he would be leaving the tonight show, began flailing his arms so fast and with such vibration he entered another dimension.
5. Clinton Eastwood has explained that he will be dying at high noon tomorrow. Sources say he will attempt a shootout with himself and his arthritis. Clint explains "Bet on the arthritis."
6. 2010 will be a big year for restaurant-themed movies. McDonald's has hired Matthew McConnahey to play Mayor McCheese in the biopic Happy Meal.
7. The Dark Knight 3 will arrive in theaters in late 2012. The film will animate the late Heath Ledger with Matt Groening as artist.
8. Booze is the news for Heather Locklear, who will attempt a reality show where she will be three sheets 24/7. The TV series is fighting for rights to the title 24.
9. Woody Allen is expecting again - expecting a lawsuit. It seems the octagenarian writer/director's new movie A Street in Times Square is actually a rip off an old Archie comic.
10. Deaths today: Reba Mcentire dies of brain cancer at 56. Meanwhile, Jackie Gleason is still dead.
11. Cher to salute the troops wearing nothing but Ben Gay.
12. Word on the street has it that John Larraquette and Danny Devito will be sharing a couch for a late night beer on Tuesday. Sources say they have become wonderful pals.
13. Rumor has it that Owen Wilson will commit Hari Kiri in a New York restaurant on the 18th of February to an aghast crowd of Liberian pigeons.
14. Tolberone, the snack of choice for hikers and homoseckshuls will announce a transgendered Austrian as its new spokesperson.
15. Mothra and Godzilla have a new butterfly in the oven. Sources say the child will be half reptilian and half Mickey Rourke.
16. If you hear wedding bells, you could have 3rd degree biological paranoia and should be treated with leaches.
17. Tim Allen and Martin Lawrence are buddy'ing up to do coke in a small pharmacy bathroom in West Hollywood.
18. Real World 29 to be a made for TV movie starring a number of your relatives.
19. The new Harry Potter movie to garner an X rating after a unicorn love scene that producers describe as "long".
20. I lied. There's only 19.
But not to worry, I have plenty of celebrity gossip to pitch you.
For the flat fee of 700 billion dollars an email I will send you 20 choice bits of entertainment gossip I have gleaned from attaining The Shining as a small infant when my father closed a car door on my hand.
This is your only freebie. After this, all emails with celebrity gossip will cost you.
1. Allyssa Milano is regularly dewormed.
2. Alfonso Ribera and Judd Hirsch were seen spelunking in Israel over the holidays. It's rumored that the two are an item.
3. Big Bird to come out on a very special Sesame Street.
4. Conan O'Brien, after hearing news that he would be leaving the tonight show, began flailing his arms so fast and with such vibration he entered another dimension.
5. Clinton Eastwood has explained that he will be dying at high noon tomorrow. Sources say he will attempt a shootout with himself and his arthritis. Clint explains "Bet on the arthritis."
6. 2010 will be a big year for restaurant-themed movies. McDonald's has hired Matthew McConnahey to play Mayor McCheese in the biopic Happy Meal.
7. The Dark Knight 3 will arrive in theaters in late 2012. The film will animate the late Heath Ledger with Matt Groening as artist.
8. Booze is the news for Heather Locklear, who will attempt a reality show where she will be three sheets 24/7. The TV series is fighting for rights to the title 24.
9. Woody Allen is expecting again - expecting a lawsuit. It seems the octagenarian writer/director's new movie A Street in Times Square is actually a rip off an old Archie comic.
10. Deaths today: Reba Mcentire dies of brain cancer at 56. Meanwhile, Jackie Gleason is still dead.
11. Cher to salute the troops wearing nothing but Ben Gay.
12. Word on the street has it that John Larraquette and Danny Devito will be sharing a couch for a late night beer on Tuesday. Sources say they have become wonderful pals.
13. Rumor has it that Owen Wilson will commit Hari Kiri in a New York restaurant on the 18th of February to an aghast crowd of Liberian pigeons.
14. Tolberone, the snack of choice for hikers and homoseckshuls will announce a transgendered Austrian as its new spokesperson.
15. Mothra and Godzilla have a new butterfly in the oven. Sources say the child will be half reptilian and half Mickey Rourke.
16. If you hear wedding bells, you could have 3rd degree biological paranoia and should be treated with leaches.
17. Tim Allen and Martin Lawrence are buddy'ing up to do coke in a small pharmacy bathroom in West Hollywood.
18. Real World 29 to be a made for TV movie starring a number of your relatives.
19. The new Harry Potter movie to garner an X rating after a unicorn love scene that producers describe as "long".
20. I lied. There's only 19.
My Movie Pitches
Below you'll find my rough for a romantic comedy. Feel free to pass this along to the suit guys. This is just the voice over for the commercial. But it pretty much explains the movie.
It's the year 3098. Things aren't what they seem. Behind every door there is a romance with shocking comedy. Romantic comedy. From the creator of Walrussing, comes this summer's most romantic of comedies. An all star cast of Meg Ryan, David Schwimmer, George Clooney, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Keith Sweat come together to deliver a comedy so romantic, you'll wish you were dead.
Or
Meet Jonathan. He's a man looking for love in all the wrong places, but suddenly finds it with a dead R&B singer in the year 3098. Meet Susan, she's a woman with a career and is too busy to fall in love, until she finds it with a dead, aging movie star from the 1990s. Did we mention everyone is gay? This summer come find out why being in love means never having to say time travel.
You could go with either. Basically it's the future and the romantic comedy is totally gay so that it sells to GenX. Also, there's zombie Keith Sweat and Meg Ryan, who George Clooney and Sarah Parker fall for. There's really not much plot, but the comedy portion writes itself. In fact, since there is no plot, we could sell that acne stuff that Pudd Daddy sells in between romance and comedy. Kinda mix it up.
Throw it around the board room and let me know.
My fee is 8 Giggillion dollars.
K, this is more TV oriented.
It's called Fruit Doctors.
I know, I know, bear with me.
So, it's the year 3023 and humans have found a way (a scientific way) to live off only the sun's rays. That means no one eats anymore. Are you with me? OK, so the world is now a magical utopia where everything lives in harmony. But, wait - what happens to fruit and vegetables that get hurt? Wouldn't we prescribe the same care to an orange as we would a dog? Yes, we would.
IN THE FUTURE!
So, there's these medical doctors that only treat fruit. There's nut and vegetable doctors, but those could be other shows. This is just the fruit doctors.
VINCE TRUMBALL: The crabby senior doctor who doesn't like fruit, but he treats fruit because at the bottom of his heart he loves fruit.
ELAINE GRASSTWIG: The sexy nurse who secretly longs for VINCE, but is brushed aside by his crabby ways.
DOUG DOUGLAS: A robot that wisecracks.
ORANGE: In a sign of compassion, the hospital hires an orange to deal with patient issues. Make no mistake - the orange is just like an orange we have now a days (it can't talk or think or eat a sandwich), but they just dress it in scrubs and treat it like one of their own. There's a lot of friction between ORANGE and VINCE.
So, without further...
WIDE ANGLE OF VINCE AND ELAINE ARGUING OVER AN APPLE ON A GURNEY
VINCE
Get that orange out of here, this patient is spilling juice all over the floor! I don't need your liberal arts degree in here right now!
ELAINE
VINCE, ORANGE has every right to be here. That APPLE needs someone. Just like you!
VINCE
I don't need anyone!
PAN TO ORANGE
ORANGE
(kinda rolls a little)
You get the idea. Also, the whole thing could go movie if we insert a serial killer that preys on fruit and eats their corpses. Not sure which direction to go. Maybe if we whiteboard it with a good producer we could come up with something. I'm thinking like a guy with lots of money and big glasses.
I look forward to your feedback and appreciate your ear.
- Robert
OK, so here it is. It's based on actual events.
So, we start with this group of teenagers on a boat docked in San Fran. We see them partying and stuff and they are normal kids and drink beer and stuff. We cut to late at night and they are all sleeping or making out and stuff. Well, someone here's this noise and they go inspect. They walk down some steps outside to the boat deck. We see a shadow of something slap the person to the ground. The next thing you know, the boat is unanchored and drifts away from the dock. The teenagers awake to find themselves a few miles off shore. None of them know how to operate a boat. Meanwhile, days go by and with each day another member of the crew is killed in grisly ways. Finally, with one crew member left, we reveal that it has been a walrus all along.
I call it
THE WALRUSING
What do you think? I'm really stoked on this and I could get you a treatment by the end of the week.
Here's a scene from the end. It's all dialogue, but it speaks volumes.
TERA LADYGIRL
Look, walrus, you killed my friends and ate all our food - but I am not going to stoop to your level.
WALRUS
Meow!
TERA LADYGIRL
Wait, you're a cat? Then where is the walrus?
TERA LADYGIRL moves to pet what she thinks is a cat, but the walrus comes out and impales her in the neck with his tusk.
See, the walrus is sentient. And smart. I think that will play into the sequel.
Give me your thoughts and feel free to run this by JJ Abrams or someone like that. Basically anyone with a fancy haircut.
if you didn't like the other two, this one should really grab you.
What do we as humans fear most? What wakes us up at night?
Ideas.
That's right. Ideas change reality. In fact, without ideas, I wouldn't be writing you movie pitches that I'm sure you're pitching to your movie producer friends right now.
Imagine a world where ideas prey on the weak...This would probably be a book deal because it's highly intellectual.
It's called THE GRABBING.
Sammy Smalls is a small time newspaper editor in a small town in this small country. It's the opposite of that song Big Country. Anyway, he gets this idea and he goes around telling people about the idea and everytime he does, it grabs people - physically. They get yanked from their chair and fall on the floor and suffer embarrassment. Well, Sammy realizes the gift of his idea and begins using it for horseplay - but everyone else knows the idea as well, so they do the same and pretty much everyone is grabbing everyone with the idea. So, everyone's all over the ground and falling and stuff and nothing gets done and babies die because they aren't fed because their parents are being grabbed by ideas. Pretty soon martians come and they find the entire world in constant grabbing flux and they comment on it and leave.
You know publishers, right
Qbert V. Mario
Cuz I had this idea.
You know Alien vs. Predator? Or Batman vs. Robin?
The second one didn't happen. That was to throw you and your producer friends off.
But now that you're thrown off, listen closely, because this game could save your Hollywood friends' careers.
So, you remember Qbert? Of course you do. Now, what if Qbert were to fight Mario from Super Mario Bros.?
Can you imagine the jumping?
You'd have like nine buttons of different jumps. Reverse jump, back flip jump, tail pogging jump, etc.
And you'd fight your friends. In fact, you could do a whole thing where at first you're playing Pong, but then when you score a point you go to the Qbert world and you try to jump on your opponent.
I call it Jumpworld for Qbert and Mario.
It's probably the best idea you've ever heard of, so now that your mind is blown, try to recover and pitch this to George Lucas.
It's the year 3098. Things aren't what they seem. Behind every door there is a romance with shocking comedy. Romantic comedy. From the creator of Walrussing, comes this summer's most romantic of comedies. An all star cast of Meg Ryan, David Schwimmer, George Clooney, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Keith Sweat come together to deliver a comedy so romantic, you'll wish you were dead.
Or
Meet Jonathan. He's a man looking for love in all the wrong places, but suddenly finds it with a dead R&B singer in the year 3098. Meet Susan, she's a woman with a career and is too busy to fall in love, until she finds it with a dead, aging movie star from the 1990s. Did we mention everyone is gay? This summer come find out why being in love means never having to say time travel.
You could go with either. Basically it's the future and the romantic comedy is totally gay so that it sells to GenX. Also, there's zombie Keith Sweat and Meg Ryan, who George Clooney and Sarah Parker fall for. There's really not much plot, but the comedy portion writes itself. In fact, since there is no plot, we could sell that acne stuff that Pudd Daddy sells in between romance and comedy. Kinda mix it up.
Throw it around the board room and let me know.
My fee is 8 Giggillion dollars.
K, this is more TV oriented.
It's called Fruit Doctors.
I know, I know, bear with me.
So, it's the year 3023 and humans have found a way (a scientific way) to live off only the sun's rays. That means no one eats anymore. Are you with me? OK, so the world is now a magical utopia where everything lives in harmony. But, wait - what happens to fruit and vegetables that get hurt? Wouldn't we prescribe the same care to an orange as we would a dog? Yes, we would.
IN THE FUTURE!
So, there's these medical doctors that only treat fruit. There's nut and vegetable doctors, but those could be other shows. This is just the fruit doctors.
VINCE TRUMBALL: The crabby senior doctor who doesn't like fruit, but he treats fruit because at the bottom of his heart he loves fruit.
ELAINE GRASSTWIG: The sexy nurse who secretly longs for VINCE, but is brushed aside by his crabby ways.
DOUG DOUGLAS: A robot that wisecracks.
ORANGE: In a sign of compassion, the hospital hires an orange to deal with patient issues. Make no mistake - the orange is just like an orange we have now a days (it can't talk or think or eat a sandwich), but they just dress it in scrubs and treat it like one of their own. There's a lot of friction between ORANGE and VINCE.
So, without further...
WIDE ANGLE OF VINCE AND ELAINE ARGUING OVER AN APPLE ON A GURNEY
VINCE
Get that orange out of here, this patient is spilling juice all over the floor! I don't need your liberal arts degree in here right now!
ELAINE
VINCE, ORANGE has every right to be here. That APPLE needs someone. Just like you!
VINCE
I don't need anyone!
PAN TO ORANGE
ORANGE
(kinda rolls a little)
You get the idea. Also, the whole thing could go movie if we insert a serial killer that preys on fruit and eats their corpses. Not sure which direction to go. Maybe if we whiteboard it with a good producer we could come up with something. I'm thinking like a guy with lots of money and big glasses.
I look forward to your feedback and appreciate your ear.
- Robert
OK, so here it is. It's based on actual events.
So, we start with this group of teenagers on a boat docked in San Fran. We see them partying and stuff and they are normal kids and drink beer and stuff. We cut to late at night and they are all sleeping or making out and stuff. Well, someone here's this noise and they go inspect. They walk down some steps outside to the boat deck. We see a shadow of something slap the person to the ground. The next thing you know, the boat is unanchored and drifts away from the dock. The teenagers awake to find themselves a few miles off shore. None of them know how to operate a boat. Meanwhile, days go by and with each day another member of the crew is killed in grisly ways. Finally, with one crew member left, we reveal that it has been a walrus all along.
I call it
THE WALRUSING
What do you think? I'm really stoked on this and I could get you a treatment by the end of the week.
Here's a scene from the end. It's all dialogue, but it speaks volumes.
TERA LADYGIRL
Look, walrus, you killed my friends and ate all our food - but I am not going to stoop to your level.
WALRUS
Meow!
TERA LADYGIRL
Wait, you're a cat? Then where is the walrus?
TERA LADYGIRL moves to pet what she thinks is a cat, but the walrus comes out and impales her in the neck with his tusk.
See, the walrus is sentient. And smart. I think that will play into the sequel.
Give me your thoughts and feel free to run this by JJ Abrams or someone like that. Basically anyone with a fancy haircut.
if you didn't like the other two, this one should really grab you.
What do we as humans fear most? What wakes us up at night?
Ideas.
That's right. Ideas change reality. In fact, without ideas, I wouldn't be writing you movie pitches that I'm sure you're pitching to your movie producer friends right now.
Imagine a world where ideas prey on the weak...This would probably be a book deal because it's highly intellectual.
It's called THE GRABBING.
Sammy Smalls is a small time newspaper editor in a small town in this small country. It's the opposite of that song Big Country. Anyway, he gets this idea and he goes around telling people about the idea and everytime he does, it grabs people - physically. They get yanked from their chair and fall on the floor and suffer embarrassment. Well, Sammy realizes the gift of his idea and begins using it for horseplay - but everyone else knows the idea as well, so they do the same and pretty much everyone is grabbing everyone with the idea. So, everyone's all over the ground and falling and stuff and nothing gets done and babies die because they aren't fed because their parents are being grabbed by ideas. Pretty soon martians come and they find the entire world in constant grabbing flux and they comment on it and leave.
You know publishers, right
Qbert V. Mario
Cuz I had this idea.
You know Alien vs. Predator? Or Batman vs. Robin?
The second one didn't happen. That was to throw you and your producer friends off.
But now that you're thrown off, listen closely, because this game could save your Hollywood friends' careers.
So, you remember Qbert? Of course you do. Now, what if Qbert were to fight Mario from Super Mario Bros.?
Can you imagine the jumping?
You'd have like nine buttons of different jumps. Reverse jump, back flip jump, tail pogging jump, etc.
And you'd fight your friends. In fact, you could do a whole thing where at first you're playing Pong, but then when you score a point you go to the Qbert world and you try to jump on your opponent.
I call it Jumpworld for Qbert and Mario.
It's probably the best idea you've ever heard of, so now that your mind is blown, try to recover and pitch this to George Lucas.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Some Stories About Guns
We're Having Microwave for Dinner
With the economy in the tank, and my job on the line we need to make cuts. Phyllis, save what food we have. Microwave what's left over in the microwave.
Don't tell me that, I've seen our microwave and there's plenty of stuff stuck to the sides, bottom, and top.
Look, we can't live like kings anymore.
The Winter Olympics In Canada
The thing about the Winter Olympics being in Canada is that it gives everyone a chance to think America might attack it.
Think about it - do you know the amount of money made at the Olympic games? I'm just saying America likes money.
One day you're watching a triat...that thing where they shoot guns and the next you're watching grenade luge.
And if you're from America, I mean this as something that would be rad. I would watch the Olympics if America attacked it.
Imagine a Gold Medal for droning someone? That would be cool.
My Fireplace is Impressing No One
Seriously, my fireplace is impressing o one on no one eon fruntamental garbage cans litter the highway and packs of wild sheep roam the exits for food. We were with a small band of naval personnel that had left the shore in search of edible food along with the rest of use us use e fund more wars in the search of small armory out on the furthest wall towards town. Spelling all messed up with exaggerated exca exs The town crowd cried foul and fell down. We went on into the deeper portions of the mountains in search of useable rain gear. It was about the tenth of May - yeah. And we found pitch forks surrounding a small baby tiger. We moved on and went towards the peaks where we could leave our bones untouched by bacteria. We were high. Up.
High above the hills the mountain goats live off a diet of rocks and twigs. They are the only species of animal that can thrive on the body of the Earth. Specifically, minerals. I once saw a mountain goat eat a live piece of pyrite. It was amazing. Another thing they won't tell you about mountain goats is that they are aquatic and live off the plants, animals, and rocks of the depths of the oceans and lakes that you grew up in and supply antlers to headless deer in the winter.
Later in the evening it became quite apparent that there would be no second show. We drifted off to the balcony and threw pies at opera. That was when I fell in love with you. You were so beautiful and carefree and you told me that there would be no tomorrow. And I believed you. And then you stole my wallet.
Those were the days. Back when jazz was king and King Arthur was a musician in this band I knew that sucked pretty bad. They'd make songs about LSD and the drink Cherry Coke at parties and comment about the smell of smoke in the room.
It's nearly impossible to hate a person if you remember that you are a person. That being said, I hate you like I hate myself.
A good way to confuse a dwarf is to hide his/her dishes. Because dwarves are good at washing dishes and without them they would have nothing to do. This is actually code for an English air raid in the year 1942. My grandfather was hoping I'd build a time machine. I haven't yet, but if you do, send this along. You could save English lives.
The English are known for their pottery and good manners. Many of you may be English and if you are, please comment on your native land. I enjoy English people like I enjoy a good roasted ham. But don't worry, I won't eat you. Or, if I were to, it would take a lot of mustard to get you down. Not because you're English, but because I've never eaten a human.
I remember the day the doctors told me I had come down with Downs Syndrome. I was trying to do homework with a knife. It was a terrible day and to this day I still want to go play outside.
There's nothing funny about disabilities. A word to the wise - what you make fun of will come to haunt you. Like when I woke up to that kid from third grade picking his nose. He'd been dead for 15 years, but there he was accusing me of making fun of him for picking his nose in third grade. Then I realized it was a mirror! I WAS PICKING MY NOSE! I WAS THAT KID IN THIRD GRADE. I sold that story to Paramount for 7 giggilion dollars. S. B. Shannablamblam is going to direct it.
I don't like to write while drunk. I make it a habit to keep a strict diet of sobriety when I'm behind "the wheel". A lot of people ask me about drugs and writing and I tell them that it may work for some other authors - but not for me. The easiest drug to get in the world is something I like to call CREATIVY. It's amazing. It's about 70 bucks a G and fucks you up something awful.
Sleep Dreams,
Robert
With the economy in the tank, and my job on the line we need to make cuts. Phyllis, save what food we have. Microwave what's left over in the microwave.
Don't tell me that, I've seen our microwave and there's plenty of stuff stuck to the sides, bottom, and top.
Look, we can't live like kings anymore.
The Winter Olympics In Canada
The thing about the Winter Olympics being in Canada is that it gives everyone a chance to think America might attack it.
Think about it - do you know the amount of money made at the Olympic games? I'm just saying America likes money.
One day you're watching a triat...that thing where they shoot guns and the next you're watching grenade luge.
And if you're from America, I mean this as something that would be rad. I would watch the Olympics if America attacked it.
Imagine a Gold Medal for droning someone? That would be cool.
My Fireplace is Impressing No One
Seriously, my fireplace is impressing o one on no one eon fruntamental garbage cans litter the highway and packs of wild sheep roam the exits for food. We were with a small band of naval personnel that had left the shore in search of edible food along with the rest of use us use e fund more wars in the search of small armory out on the furthest wall towards town. Spelling all messed up with exaggerated exca exs The town crowd cried foul and fell down. We went on into the deeper portions of the mountains in search of useable rain gear. It was about the tenth of May - yeah. And we found pitch forks surrounding a small baby tiger. We moved on and went towards the peaks where we could leave our bones untouched by bacteria. We were high. Up.
High above the hills the mountain goats live off a diet of rocks and twigs. They are the only species of animal that can thrive on the body of the Earth. Specifically, minerals. I once saw a mountain goat eat a live piece of pyrite. It was amazing. Another thing they won't tell you about mountain goats is that they are aquatic and live off the plants, animals, and rocks of the depths of the oceans and lakes that you grew up in and supply antlers to headless deer in the winter.
Later in the evening it became quite apparent that there would be no second show. We drifted off to the balcony and threw pies at opera. That was when I fell in love with you. You were so beautiful and carefree and you told me that there would be no tomorrow. And I believed you. And then you stole my wallet.
Those were the days. Back when jazz was king and King Arthur was a musician in this band I knew that sucked pretty bad. They'd make songs about LSD and the drink Cherry Coke at parties and comment about the smell of smoke in the room.
It's nearly impossible to hate a person if you remember that you are a person. That being said, I hate you like I hate myself.
A good way to confuse a dwarf is to hide his/her dishes. Because dwarves are good at washing dishes and without them they would have nothing to do. This is actually code for an English air raid in the year 1942. My grandfather was hoping I'd build a time machine. I haven't yet, but if you do, send this along. You could save English lives.
The English are known for their pottery and good manners. Many of you may be English and if you are, please comment on your native land. I enjoy English people like I enjoy a good roasted ham. But don't worry, I won't eat you. Or, if I were to, it would take a lot of mustard to get you down. Not because you're English, but because I've never eaten a human.
I remember the day the doctors told me I had come down with Downs Syndrome. I was trying to do homework with a knife. It was a terrible day and to this day I still want to go play outside.
There's nothing funny about disabilities. A word to the wise - what you make fun of will come to haunt you. Like when I woke up to that kid from third grade picking his nose. He'd been dead for 15 years, but there he was accusing me of making fun of him for picking his nose in third grade. Then I realized it was a mirror! I WAS PICKING MY NOSE! I WAS THAT KID IN THIRD GRADE. I sold that story to Paramount for 7 giggilion dollars. S. B. Shannablamblam is going to direct it.
I don't like to write while drunk. I make it a habit to keep a strict diet of sobriety when I'm behind "the wheel". A lot of people ask me about drugs and writing and I tell them that it may work for some other authors - but not for me. The easiest drug to get in the world is something I like to call CREATIVY. It's amazing. It's about 70 bucks a G and fucks you up something awful.
Sleep Dreams,
Robert
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2002
Cardboard under the car. Bags out in the hallway. This is a very special farewell. When you walk out the door. Keys out on the floor. Staring out at the ceiling. You know I've been noticing...Noises out the window. Out in the ocean lighting flares. When you walk out the door. There's something special about sniffing your nail polish late at night. High as a kite. Random security drills out on the lawn. Special agents check the garbage for mustard gas. The mayor sells the homeless as bystanders. And they blow up one by one. Out on the lawn. Bags on the floor. Another reality goes on. One where the library isn't full of goth phantom soldiers with guns that don't even exist. Looming economic disaster parts seas and sends the water over vacation spots. Stars light up and then turn out. There's clothes on the floor that I refuse to look at. Utilities and deadlines. Utilities and deadlines. Wake up, work up. Race home to do nothing. Turn on the TV. Turn it off. Get up. Do laundry. Your bags on the floor. Walk out the door. Drive up for more. More. Can't get enough of myself. Can't feed the poor. There's a man at the door. There's a war I should ignore. There's men and women on the TV and they tell me there's always gonna be a knock at my door. Ghosts and aliens run down the walls. Christ has come back and he looks like an insect with all the black weapons-type stealth garments that just remind me of folding metal. This might all be the mushrooms from 7 years ago. This might just be me unglued. Running band aids up and down the walls. Bags at the door. I try to ignore. There was something I forgot and then I find myself playing the piano out on the lawn. The neighbors call the security and I'm panting in front of a SUPPORT OUR TROOPS sign. They ask why and I respond it's about time. I'm shovelled into a truck. Out into a free range roaming ground. It'd be like 1984, but no one cares about what you think. Totaltarianisming is lost on most of them. There's a sense of reality showed mixed with schism. Wake up in sweat. Out on the lawn. Your clothes are gone. Random utensils and spices that I'll never use. Realize there's an oven and this is like some unwanted news. Back out on the lawn. There was no one. No guards, gorillas, or Nazi henchman. Just me out on the lawn. Collecting mail. No anthrax, bombs, or towers. Just this ugly feeling that you left me out on the lawn with no gorillas, guards, or Nazi henchman.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Some Christmas Stories Retold
The Christmas Story
Many people don't realize that the Christmas Story they were told is, in fact, false.
2009 years ago, almost EXACTLY, the world was a different place.
Back then, dinosaurs trodded the Earth, and the word "trodded" was a word.
Sure, you'll read about mangers and old shacks made of wood, but in reality, the Earth was much more advanced.
Yes, we all know the story of how the Messiah was born. But in fact, he was hatched from eggs. Yes, eggs. There were three. One for the head, another for the torso, and another for the Messiah's limbs. Back then, in dinosaur times, people were built pre-fab and it was on Christmas day that people got their children in eggs laid by reptilian goats. They would spend the day putting their children together. That is how Christmas came about.
Santa Claus Reaks
Another famous Christmas story is about Santa Claus and how he came to be from lowly saint to fur loving man about Earth. But what they don’t tell you is that he also had some problems.
Elves can't smell. It's a scientific fact. Not only that, but Mrs. Santa died in 1908 from diabetes.
Without an objective smeller, Santa was free to not bathe. And not bathe he did. All the live long day, everyday.
One could say Santa is the stinkiest man alive. Imagine leaving meat out in the hot sun for a few days, then add some tartar sauce and let it sit for another few days. While you're doing that, go smell some dogshit – that was what Santa smelled like.
That's why Santa comes down the chimney, because his aroma must be doused with the rising heat of your fire, or your house would reak like Santa's smelly balls.
This is science, folks.
The Gingerbread Man Once Stole Purses
It's true.
"You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
Well, they did catch him and in exchange for his miraculous story, they let him go. They sold the story to Penguin publishing and the rest is history.
But before all that, he was a petty thief.
A gingerbread thief.
That's why gingerbread houses are made from gingerbread and not wafers – the idea is to catch the Gingerbread Man by creating a lavish home for him to hang out in.
And that's where they caught him.
Now everyone celebrates the Gingerbread Man by creating small houses for him to hang out in so he doesn't steal so much.
But during the summer months, boy howdy! That man is thieving like a coked out Gypsy!
Rudolph the Red Eyed Reindeer
Rudolph the Red Eyed Reindeer
Had a very shiny bowl
And if you ever smoked it
You would eat a pork roast whole
All of the other reindeer
Used to steal his stash and steal his game
They would let old Rudolph
Stand-alone in the cell and take the blame
Then one foggy Christmas night
(Santa was on Ambien)
"Rudolph with your shit all fucked up in the jail for fucking smoking reefer and playing with my wife's panty hose and what's on Jeopardy?"
The Little Drummer Boy
The Little Drummer Boy was actually a real person who lived in the dino-world as read above.
His name was Marvin.
And Marvin wasn't little. He was like 9 ft tall. He played basketball and the drums (as you might have guessed from his nickname).
Anyway, he had no idea that Jesus was being born or any of that stuff. He was just out having a good time, all f'd up on Rudolph's reefer when he wandered into this Motel 6 and came upon this couple, their baby, and three hockey players.
"What's up, dudes?" He asked.
The Los Angeles Kings were on loan from the future as this Middle Eastern business man was trying to sell hockey to the Middle East, which was actually going through a mini ice age at the time.
"I'm Wayne Gretzky!" said one.
"I'm the Little Drummer Boy."
"Alright!" Then Marvin kind of jammed out for a bit on the drums as Joseph and Mary put their egg baby together with a screwdriver they had borrowed from the LA Kings that night.
That's why the LA Kings were over there hanging out.
No one gave anyone any gifts, so the Drummer Boy was just playing to jam a bit. But it was a good drum solo and the LA Kings decided to bring him back to the year 1987, where Marvin changed his name to Dave Grohl. And the rest is history.
Many people don't realize that the Christmas Story they were told is, in fact, false.
2009 years ago, almost EXACTLY, the world was a different place.
Back then, dinosaurs trodded the Earth, and the word "trodded" was a word.
Sure, you'll read about mangers and old shacks made of wood, but in reality, the Earth was much more advanced.
Yes, we all know the story of how the Messiah was born. But in fact, he was hatched from eggs. Yes, eggs. There were three. One for the head, another for the torso, and another for the Messiah's limbs. Back then, in dinosaur times, people were built pre-fab and it was on Christmas day that people got their children in eggs laid by reptilian goats. They would spend the day putting their children together. That is how Christmas came about.
Santa Claus Reaks
Another famous Christmas story is about Santa Claus and how he came to be from lowly saint to fur loving man about Earth. But what they don’t tell you is that he also had some problems.
Elves can't smell. It's a scientific fact. Not only that, but Mrs. Santa died in 1908 from diabetes.
Without an objective smeller, Santa was free to not bathe. And not bathe he did. All the live long day, everyday.
One could say Santa is the stinkiest man alive. Imagine leaving meat out in the hot sun for a few days, then add some tartar sauce and let it sit for another few days. While you're doing that, go smell some dogshit – that was what Santa smelled like.
That's why Santa comes down the chimney, because his aroma must be doused with the rising heat of your fire, or your house would reak like Santa's smelly balls.
This is science, folks.
The Gingerbread Man Once Stole Purses
It's true.
"You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
Well, they did catch him and in exchange for his miraculous story, they let him go. They sold the story to Penguin publishing and the rest is history.
But before all that, he was a petty thief.
A gingerbread thief.
That's why gingerbread houses are made from gingerbread and not wafers – the idea is to catch the Gingerbread Man by creating a lavish home for him to hang out in.
And that's where they caught him.
Now everyone celebrates the Gingerbread Man by creating small houses for him to hang out in so he doesn't steal so much.
But during the summer months, boy howdy! That man is thieving like a coked out Gypsy!
Rudolph the Red Eyed Reindeer
Rudolph the Red Eyed Reindeer
Had a very shiny bowl
And if you ever smoked it
You would eat a pork roast whole
All of the other reindeer
Used to steal his stash and steal his game
They would let old Rudolph
Stand-alone in the cell and take the blame
Then one foggy Christmas night
(Santa was on Ambien)
"Rudolph with your shit all fucked up in the jail for fucking smoking reefer and playing with my wife's panty hose and what's on Jeopardy?"
The Little Drummer Boy
The Little Drummer Boy was actually a real person who lived in the dino-world as read above.
His name was Marvin.
And Marvin wasn't little. He was like 9 ft tall. He played basketball and the drums (as you might have guessed from his nickname).
Anyway, he had no idea that Jesus was being born or any of that stuff. He was just out having a good time, all f'd up on Rudolph's reefer when he wandered into this Motel 6 and came upon this couple, their baby, and three hockey players.
"What's up, dudes?" He asked.
The Los Angeles Kings were on loan from the future as this Middle Eastern business man was trying to sell hockey to the Middle East, which was actually going through a mini ice age at the time.
"I'm Wayne Gretzky!" said one.
"I'm the Little Drummer Boy."
"Alright!" Then Marvin kind of jammed out for a bit on the drums as Joseph and Mary put their egg baby together with a screwdriver they had borrowed from the LA Kings that night.
That's why the LA Kings were over there hanging out.
No one gave anyone any gifts, so the Drummer Boy was just playing to jam a bit. But it was a good drum solo and the LA Kings decided to bring him back to the year 1987, where Marvin changed his name to Dave Grohl. And the rest is history.
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