Don't Ever Say I Never Told You to Fuck Off

I Bought Cologne the Other Day

It's true. I went to the mall and I had just received a 401K loan to blow and the shoe store was out of boots, so I went and got rid of the money by buying cologne. It was an odd experience. It didn't seem gay or unmanly – it seemed really dorky. I mean, I'm almost 33. Shouldn't I be passed buying cologne? Shouldn't the cutoff for cologne be there with cocaine, wine coolers, and Mel Brooks movies? Well, I ended up lying and saying that it was a gift. As I said this I sprayed cologne in my eye and started weaving around the cologne counter knocking cologne off the counters and running into other shoppers. I was screaming like a banshee when I was finally tackled by mall security.
I ended up getting Aqua Gio.

Don't Ever Say I Never Told You to Fuck Off

Seriously. Don't you remember? You asked if I wanted to drive you to work? It was like 1993. I got pissed and told you to fuck off. You were in my house. Well, my Mom's house. How can you say that I never have told you fuck off? You really don't know me.

My Favorite Firework

I think my favorite firework is that one with the bread and the cheese and the ham and the mayo and the mustard and – wait, that's a sandwich. My favorite firework is the Testicle Hammer!

In the Afterlife

So, last week I told you that I would field any questions about the afterlife. So, this week I'll answer.

Shuttles. That's a big part of the afterlife. There are shuttles that go all over the universe. They are white and they have wheels and they ride on roads. Just like in reality, but you're in heaven and you don't have to pay dues or thank the guy and stuff.
Hell is not paved in gold. No, it's paved in human excrement, entrails, and mucus. It's hard to walk on. You slip a lot. And when you slip you fall into this humongous pit of fire. Then you see this huge air conditioner – but it's broken. But then you see the one that works, you turn it on, and then the fire goes out and everyone looks around with that face that says "Why didn't I think of that?"
God. God is not huge. He's not white. He doesn't wear a robe. Beyond that, I don't know much about him, but he wasn't thrilled with the whole hell air conditioner working.
Jesus. He didn't exist. That's the first thing they tell you up there. You get off the shuttle and this dude goes "SPOILER ALERT!" And then he spills the beans on Jesus. Then you probably get pissed for wasting your Sundays in church, but then Jesus comes out of this door to your left and you find out that he did exist, but he looks exactly like Delta Burke. This blows your mind. Then you shuttle down to hell and hang out by the air conditioner. True story.

Sometimes I Get Day and Night Mixed Up

Like this one time when I was wearing my sunglasses – yes, it was at night. I totally forgot it was nighttime and I was totally not making some joke about Corey Hart. Another time, I went to church and I just started falling asleep. When this bozo woke me up I explained that I thought it was like 10 at night.
"No, it's like 10 in the morning."
"Wow. Well, I just forgot. Sorry."
"Sorry isn't going to take your hand off my wife's breast!" Then he punched me.
Another time I started counting sheep in the middle of an office meeting. Then there was the time I ate lunch while making love to my wife. You get the idea.

Memorial Day

This Memorial Day I believe it's time we started taking it seriously. This isn't just another holiday like Easter. This is about remembering those that died for your freedom. And what are you doing about? You're sitting around the pool drinking. Or maybe camping. Or seeing some death metal anti-Christian band perform at a festival. Point is – you're not memorializing anything but your own self. And that's just wrong. This Memorial Day I want everyone to think about a soldier who died for your freedom and pray that they found a good home with the lord. Like Colonel Jessop, GI Joe, Martin Sheen, that guy with the napalm in Apocalypse Now, Colin Powel, Lars Ulrich, and Santana. Thank you.

The More You Read, The More You Know

So, when I was little reading was touted as the way to learn. It was like some portal into being smart. So, if you read books, you were smart. But when you're a kid you're just reading Highlights and Choose Your Own Adventure and stuff. So you're really not getting all that smart. Sure, maybe you're learning to have an attention span, but the amount of TV you're watching cancels that out. So basically, you're getting nothing out of reading and you should just rent the movies. If the book doesn't have a movie, make a movie yourself. If you're too poor to make a movie – hey, grow up pal.

That Time with the Jelly Beans

I was in eighth grade and I got a bag of those super small jelly beans – probably a few thousand in a bag. Anyway, the teacher says "Put those away unless you brought enough for everyone!" So I just walked around the classroom handing out jelly beans. Oh and this one time I had sex with a dead guy.

I'm Really Kidding Myself with this Lettuce Already

C'mon. Why can't I just face reality – I don't really want the lettuce. Why do I think anyone is looking when I make my salad? Would anyone really care if I just ate a plate of bacon bits, cheese, and Ranch? Lettuce has no taste. It barely has texture. I mean, not under the weight of all the Ranch I put on it. All the lettuce is doing is occasionally reminding me that sometimes you get that funky outside piece that's all hard and annoying. Really, Matt, who cares what you eat?

How About I Rearrange Your Face For You

This has been said many times to me by many people. I think the first time it happened was just after I had been playing Mr. Potatohead and the doll said it to me. I stopped messing with his facial features and just stared at the mouth that was lying on the ground. Then it said it again. Then I ran. This is a true story.

Plato's Retreat

In the way olden days there was a man named Plato. He was a philosopher and he was Greek or Italian. No one really knows for sure. But what is known is that he was the man who killed Zeus, but retreated when Apollo came after him. That's why Jesus died.

Gregory the Alligator

Gregory the alligator was just like you or me. He was eight feet long and full of teeth. He would lounge by the pond and eat all the birds. Or so I say and so I've heard. The strange thing about old Gregory, was he was never all that readily equipped to the things men do: like shave, go to the office, and turn on Youtube. But one thing that is certain, and yes this is a must, Gregory liked the women, especially their busts.