This Star Trek Thing Is Fun

I Warned You

When you invited me to this wedding, you invited my drinking problem as well. You should know this about me. That's why I fail to see why you are mad at me. Sure, I beat the photo booth up and threw the pie or cake or whatever at the best man, but the truth of the matter is, you knew who you were dealing with – my drinking problem. I distinctly remember getting an invitation to your wedding and I marked one guest. In parenthesis I put (My drinking problem). You were warned.

This Golf Thing is Fun

Really, all there is to golf is that you have to get out of the cart twice within the space of a beer. It's like being at a bar, only you get to drive. If you're like me, you LOVE drinking and driving, but don't like the whole killing people and ending up in prison part. Well, with golf you can drink and drive all the live-long-day. It was so much fun. I recommend golf to anyone. Sure, you have to get out of the golf cart and hit a ball every once in awhile, but otherwise golf = fun.

One Adult

Yes, that's one adult and one drinking problem.
Sure, I'll wait.
I see. You don't cater to drinking problems? What if I show you my papers? They should all be in order. Here is the license, the registration, and the flask I use to drink in your theater.
You don't serve my kind, huh? Well, you let that guy in with his dog.
I'm gonna BE blind by the time I'm done.
OK. I get it. Well, this is one theater that won't be Patron'd by me, sir!

This Star Trek Thing is Fun

It's true. Star Trek was a great movie. Some things to consider:

1. That bad dude is going to be back. Unless you see his head crushed or his intestines wrapped around his smoldering body, the villain isn't dead. It's just now instead of "KIRK!" it's "SPOCK!"

2. They will probably do some parallel between displaced Jews after WW2 and displaced Vulcans. Look for some race of aliens to play the Palestinians. Maybe Hollywood will teach peace?

3. Has anyone else noticed that the only black person on the Enterprise is named A-whore-a? I mean, c'mon! That's just disrespectful. I mean, sure there's the Scotsman "Scotty" but it's not like they have him in a kilt and name him Drunkora. Sure, Chekov is poor and sells parts of the Enterprise to get his sister out of prostitution in Lithuania, and....forget it.

He Doesn't Have Any Money

What I'm trying to explain is that I didn't order that, nor did I take the beers out of the fridge. It was my drinking problem. Now, seeing as my drinking problem is an entity, like any corporation like the Westin, but not a physical entity, it has no money. What I can do is have my drinking problem work off the tab by assaulting some of your patrons for the amusement of your staff. And if you don't like that, he's pretty good at stand up. Do you have a hotel bar?

This Hotel is Fun

I stayed in a hotel last weekend for my sister's wedding. After a bout of vertigo, I had to change rooms. So, I went down to the desk with my aunt and the woman says
"OK, that's fine. But we don't have any rooms with two beds."
As I stand next to my aunt I state "I only need one bed."
"OK." She looks at my aunt and me. "Well, the only room we have is for special needs. There's no bathtub."
"I don't take baths."
"OK, well, it sometimes freaks people out."
"Whatever."
My aunt and I go to move my stuff to the lower room and find a bathroom that's something out of a high school. There's drains all over the floor and a shower curtain. Then the toilet can only be flushed by pushing a large white panel.
I feel God has been trying to tell me I'm retarded for years.

Showing Up For Work

Yes. It's Levi. I'm not feeling too well, so I won't be at work today. But my drinking problem is going to show up and work my shift. Keep in mind, my drinking problem is not the best labor- oriented guy. He'll probably be late and he'll probably leave early. Also, he's an HR nightmare. Just the other day, my drinking problem showed up to work after lunch and asked a coworker if he could sodomize her. I know, it's disgusting. But, he is my drinking problem and I do love him. So, expect him in around noon. Oh, and I'm sorry about my sexual dysfunction the other night. Sometimes my drinking problem gets too drunk and has my sexual dysfunction take care of the ladies. I really need to get my drug problem in on this one. He's got pills that make my sexual dysfunction go away. Anyway, I should be in tomorrow.

This Wedding is Fun

Word to the wise: be very careful about bringing your own booze to a wedding. We had some stashed in the bachelor's room and we got busted. I received a stern lecture from the wedding coordinator. You would think a woman who plans parties for a living would be cooler. I felt like a kid getting busted. But, the joke is on her: we just got high instead.