It's For Me

A good one is about the man who put time in a bottle and then, later, wanted to open it, but the lid was on way tight, so it took an hour to get the lid off and that’s all the time that was in there. That would be a good one.

Sometimes, while eating sunflower seeds, I will look at one and think about what could have been.

Other times, I’ll drive around roundabouts over and over again just to have the right of way all day long.

I had a buddy who visited his parents and his mom told him to go out and look at his dad’s new license plate and tell her what it said. He walks out and sees the plate “JAGADIC” and comes back in and says “Jagged dick?”
“No, it’s Jag addict!” His father yelled. He had put it on as a homage to the show JAG.
Later, his father went out and bought a license plate holder that said “Fan of the TV series JAG.”
This is all true. This isn’t the jokey stuff.

I was watching Godfather 2 the other night and I had some questions – the way Tom acts in the end makes me think he set the whole thing up and why did Roth have tax trouble all of a sudden? And did they set up Senator Geary in that hotel room? And did they purposely just almost kill Pantangelene? Also, what was with that guy in the bear suit who kept showing up and playing the banjo behind Michael?

I’m single and I got one of those Keurigs – the single cup brewer – and I have to say it may be the most depressing things I own.

A funny thing to do is to open a champagne bottle at the exact same time you throw a handful of cooked Top Ramen at the back of someone’s head while yelling “He’s got a gun!”

Sometimes I’ll shoplift at my Mom’s.

Do my feet look fat in this?

This one time I thought it would be funny to bring a buttload of Taco Bell burritos to a formal party as an appetizer. So, I go and order twenty of them and the guy there asks me three times if he heard me correctly and kinda looked at me forlornly. I told him “I’m positive. 20.” So, he told me that it would take awhile and that I needed to park my car. So, I park and I’m laughing out loud in my car about how hysterical I am and the guy comes up with this shopping bag full of food and he kinda looks me up and down and says “I really shouldn’t be doing this. You need help.” I thanked him and drove to the nearest dumpster and hucked them and started a diet the next day.
That one really backfired.

A lot of times I’ll answer my cell phone at work and exclaim “It’s for me.”