Nixon's ghost came to me last night and told me "There is no audience."There is no audience.The lights began to flicker red and blue like an ambulance. Nixon began waving a flag like the finish line at Indy."There is no audience. All past conversations will become null and void. There is no audience. No people watching your every move. Make up stories. Pretend that small Swedish men are logging backyards in Indianopolis. Erect large towers of false idols. Listen to devil music and chant on and on OOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. There is no audience. There's no hot eighteen year old in the front row with nice tits. There is no interview with Rolling Stone magazine where you state, for the record, that you've been off drugs for eighteen months. There is no ex-girlfriend watching your priceless moves in a bar, drunk, getting laughs from eighteen year olds in Indianopolis. There is no audience. There is a TV, there's ghosts on it, like me, and they will tell you, if you meet them, there is no audience. Forget what you see on the 11 o'clock news about eighteen year old hookers shot dead in the backseat of a Ford Taurus. There is no audience. When you comb your hair in the mirror and recite lines you will say to your coworkers. There is no audience. When you masturbate, alone, in a room, with the blinds down. There is no audience. When you wail and moan to the seven seas. There is no audience. Make campfires out of girlscouts, tear down brick walls in Croatia, send a note in a bottle, attempt suicide, dance in your car, order off the menu, call a friend, spin a globe, read a book, share a good memory, drink nine shots, rub up on a hooker, steal a book, live a life somewhat dull. There is no audience. When you visit a home full of seven strangers, with seven aching hearts and minds to spill all over the world. There is no audience. When you fall down a well, when you kill your wife, when you...There is no audience. Plant a hole in the ground and stick your head in it. There's your audience. There is no audience. No one will listen to you crying at 3 in the morning. No one is going to change your sheets. No one will know when you die suddenly, in a car accident on Route 7 because your heart decided to not beat. There is no audience. Pretend to care, pretend your whole life that someone is watching you. There is no audience. Send Hallmark cards to friends in Deleware, be sure and let them know that you're barely alive and keep singing the same tired thoughts in your head, make sure that they know that you're starting all over, that you've "grown" and have developed the human capacity of forgetfullness. There is no audience. Hide in your living room, underneath a table, alternatively crying and screaming, pretending that there is no audience and that no one will see you. You're in pain. There is no audience. Open a bottle of Drano and go through all the motions so that your audience will see the drama, get the neck up to your lips and then think twice. Because there is no audience. Go on Oprah and Ellen and speak about your miserable life of abuse, hope that someone cares, hope that your abusive father/mother/brother/batmobile will give you a call the next day and explain to you how they wronged you. Hope that the nation, at large, will identify with your problem. Hope that the 11 o'clock news will report that misery has finally been quenched by your admission. Hope that a pig is flying over a Subway near you. Hope that Christ comes down and says a prayer in honor of all the truths you told the world. Hope that we spill your messy saga all over the world. Hope that starships are sent out to distant worlds alerting the universe that you've been wronged. There is no audience."
Nixon is a funny guy in that way.
There is no Sense
Namibia...I have lost my heart in Namibia...God help me. There are spores as tall as trees and they all tend the garden behind the Arby's. Namibia. Soon, marching families of gypsies come to me. Namibia. Bring water and trees. Namibia. We spent hours baking cheese. Namibia. Little miiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssstress.Namibia.Send sovereign states to the third world in search of new constitutions to write. Disect small children for goverment grants. Spend it on blow. America. Ah, God loves a good joke. But, does he love you? I don't know, funny sometimes, but....I keep seeing circles in the leaves, the trees, the general atmophere...and I wonder...what a mad, mad scientist.Later, he ate nachoes and watched Becker.
Namibia.
July 12, 2004
Renton, WA
- SORRI TEN KSS
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Majorunction
Transcript of October 13 Debate Kerry/Bush
SCHIEFFER: Gentleman, welcome to you both.By coin toss, the first question goes to Senator Kerry.Senator, I want to set the stage for this discussion by asking the question that I think hangs over all of our politics today and is probably on the minds of many people watching this debate tonight.And that is, will our children and grandchildren ever live in a world as safe and secure as the world in which we grew up?
KERRY: Are you fucking kidding me? You grew up in world where the Soviet Union had nuclear weapons pointed at you and set to go 24-7. Bob, have you recently been cured of retardation, or????
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, you have 90 seconds.
BUSH: Well, Bob, the truth of the matter is that Saddam Hussein has had nuclear weapons pointed at us all along. As my intelligence suggests, Saddam in fact had a suitcase nuclear bomb between the cushions of Virginia's Oakdale Elementary school waiting room couch. Hi, kids. Now, is that worse than thousands of nuclear missiles pointed at all thirty-three states? You tell me.
SCHIEFFER: Anything to add, Senator Kerry?
KERRY: If I just stand here and not say anything I bet I'd have a good chance of winning.
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Gosh, is this about winning? I wasn't aware this was a contest, Senator. You and me and me and Bob and Bob and the people know what this is about - it's about faith. Do you have faith in a Senator that's missed 103 votes on the floor because he was off signing autographs for Vietcong youth? What you have to ask yourself is that if you believe in my God, even if you're a Jew or a Muslim, and even if you're black or Italian, then you must vote for me or burn in hell.
SCHIEFFER: New question, Mr. President, to you.We are talking about protecting ourselves from the unexpected, but the flu season is suddenly upon us. Flu kills thousands of people every year.Suddenly we find ourselves with a severe shortage of flu vaccine. How did that happen?
BUSH: We're worried about the flu now?
SCHIEFFER: Senator Kerry?
KERRY: Bob, I have to agree with the President that that was the most asinine question I've ever been asked.
SCHIEFFER: You know, these questions don't just write themselves. I was up till four this morning eating cold lasagna and listening to Hendrix really, really loud. So, if my questions seem a bit odd, just fucking answer them.
KERRY: Well, Bob, and my fellow Americans, my fellow Americans can continue to get their flu shots on the plan I have to inoculate every school child and fellow American I see. Not only that, I will ensure that the Vietcong don't come by and cut off the inoculated arms of the children to prove a point. Thank you Bob, and my fellow Americans. P.S. Cheney's daughter is a lesbian.
BUSH: Want some wood? Heh, heh, heh. Well, Mr. Senator...that's what you're called right? Am I...Bob?
SCHEIFFER: Mr. Senator is fine.
BUSH: Well, Mr. Kerry, under my plan, I will not only inoculate every child in the United States, I will do it using space satellites that will deliver inoculations through laser means. That's L-A-Z-E-R. These are super tough, badass lasers that deliver a powerful and massive punch of inoculation goodness, Bob. Oh, P.S. Edwards is a trial lawyer - do the math.
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, if a woman was to die because her unborn baby fetus damaged a vital organ in her body, but the fetus lived, would you execute it or incubate it?
BUSH: Well, Bob, it's the best of the 80's week here at KWIX where we put the rock in RAWK!
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Oh, sorry, let me just scratch my back, here. K, frequency, check. Good. What was the question?
SCHEIFFER: Mr. Kerry?
KERRY: Well, Bob, I believe that abortion is wrong and despicable, yet, because I cannot run this country by my own values, I must run it on what is right and written under the constitution. Therefore, I would form a plan, my fellow Americans, to try the fetus at a later date when it is old enough to know right from wrong, and when it reached an age of maturity I would ask that fetus to look back on what it did and form a plan, a top secret plan, to go back in time and save it's mother from itself. Now, I know it won't be easy, but this is a hard time for America and if we want to make change, then we should begin with our past.
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, rebuttal?
BUSH: You got a time machine?
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, you said that you would never reenact the draft, yet our military is quickly thinning with the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, how will you ensure that our armed forces are up to the pre-Iraq global and domestic numbers, when five died just today and continue to die?
BUSH: We've lost soldiers? According to my crack staff of bipartisan ideologues, we have not only not lost any soldiers, we have gained them by teaching Iraqis how to use guns. Assault rifles, in fact. These assault rifles have been written into the Iraqi constitution to ensure that they have the right to bare arms in the face of dangerous occupiers, like the Americans did against the British.
SCHEIFFER: You do realize that the British are in Iraq right now, alongside American troops, Mr. President?
BUSH: Of course I do, I was the man who flew to Iraq on Thanksgiving and hailed the crowd of liberated Iraqis with the warning "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
SCHEIFFER: Mr. Kerry?
KERRY: Well, when I was in Vietnam and won a bunch of medals-
BUSH: Wait, wait, I just have to interrupt petulantly and answer that accusation - shit, the damn...Rove, you replayed the tape...Rove? Bob, my communicator isn't working? Can I get a time out?
SCHEIFFER: Closing statements...
KERRY: My fellow Americans, for you are Americans, and half of you are fellows...ha, ha...my fellow Americans, not only is Bush a hypocrite and a liar, but Dick Cheney's daughter is gay, and god bless her.
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Hello, America. My communicator is out, so let me just say this - Jesus would vote for me, won't you?POST DEBATE COVERAGE WITH BARBARA WALTERS
BARBARA: I have the head of the Democratic National Committee and Republican National Committee with me here. Gentlemen, who won the debate?
DNC: KERRY
RNC: BUSH
BARBARA: Well, there you have it. It appears American is split on it's choice for the Presidency, and this will be a close race. You can watch the race live on ABC this week, when Senator Kerry divulges a long kept secret to wife Theresa, and the President comes clean with Karl about where his toothbrush has been. Goodnight, from ABC.
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SCHIEFFER: Gentleman, welcome to you both.By coin toss, the first question goes to Senator Kerry.Senator, I want to set the stage for this discussion by asking the question that I think hangs over all of our politics today and is probably on the minds of many people watching this debate tonight.And that is, will our children and grandchildren ever live in a world as safe and secure as the world in which we grew up?
KERRY: Are you fucking kidding me? You grew up in world where the Soviet Union had nuclear weapons pointed at you and set to go 24-7. Bob, have you recently been cured of retardation, or????
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, you have 90 seconds.
BUSH: Well, Bob, the truth of the matter is that Saddam Hussein has had nuclear weapons pointed at us all along. As my intelligence suggests, Saddam in fact had a suitcase nuclear bomb between the cushions of Virginia's Oakdale Elementary school waiting room couch. Hi, kids. Now, is that worse than thousands of nuclear missiles pointed at all thirty-three states? You tell me.
SCHIEFFER: Anything to add, Senator Kerry?
KERRY: If I just stand here and not say anything I bet I'd have a good chance of winning.
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Gosh, is this about winning? I wasn't aware this was a contest, Senator. You and me and me and Bob and Bob and the people know what this is about - it's about faith. Do you have faith in a Senator that's missed 103 votes on the floor because he was off signing autographs for Vietcong youth? What you have to ask yourself is that if you believe in my God, even if you're a Jew or a Muslim, and even if you're black or Italian, then you must vote for me or burn in hell.
SCHIEFFER: New question, Mr. President, to you.We are talking about protecting ourselves from the unexpected, but the flu season is suddenly upon us. Flu kills thousands of people every year.Suddenly we find ourselves with a severe shortage of flu vaccine. How did that happen?
BUSH: We're worried about the flu now?
SCHIEFFER: Senator Kerry?
KERRY: Bob, I have to agree with the President that that was the most asinine question I've ever been asked.
SCHIEFFER: You know, these questions don't just write themselves. I was up till four this morning eating cold lasagna and listening to Hendrix really, really loud. So, if my questions seem a bit odd, just fucking answer them.
KERRY: Well, Bob, and my fellow Americans, my fellow Americans can continue to get their flu shots on the plan I have to inoculate every school child and fellow American I see. Not only that, I will ensure that the Vietcong don't come by and cut off the inoculated arms of the children to prove a point. Thank you Bob, and my fellow Americans. P.S. Cheney's daughter is a lesbian.
BUSH: Want some wood? Heh, heh, heh. Well, Mr. Senator...that's what you're called right? Am I...Bob?
SCHEIFFER: Mr. Senator is fine.
BUSH: Well, Mr. Kerry, under my plan, I will not only inoculate every child in the United States, I will do it using space satellites that will deliver inoculations through laser means. That's L-A-Z-E-R. These are super tough, badass lasers that deliver a powerful and massive punch of inoculation goodness, Bob. Oh, P.S. Edwards is a trial lawyer - do the math.
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, if a woman was to die because her unborn baby fetus damaged a vital organ in her body, but the fetus lived, would you execute it or incubate it?
BUSH: Well, Bob, it's the best of the 80's week here at KWIX where we put the rock in RAWK!
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Oh, sorry, let me just scratch my back, here. K, frequency, check. Good. What was the question?
SCHEIFFER: Mr. Kerry?
KERRY: Well, Bob, I believe that abortion is wrong and despicable, yet, because I cannot run this country by my own values, I must run it on what is right and written under the constitution. Therefore, I would form a plan, my fellow Americans, to try the fetus at a later date when it is old enough to know right from wrong, and when it reached an age of maturity I would ask that fetus to look back on what it did and form a plan, a top secret plan, to go back in time and save it's mother from itself. Now, I know it won't be easy, but this is a hard time for America and if we want to make change, then we should begin with our past.
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, rebuttal?
BUSH: You got a time machine?
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, you said that you would never reenact the draft, yet our military is quickly thinning with the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, how will you ensure that our armed forces are up to the pre-Iraq global and domestic numbers, when five died just today and continue to die?
BUSH: We've lost soldiers? According to my crack staff of bipartisan ideologues, we have not only not lost any soldiers, we have gained them by teaching Iraqis how to use guns. Assault rifles, in fact. These assault rifles have been written into the Iraqi constitution to ensure that they have the right to bare arms in the face of dangerous occupiers, like the Americans did against the British.
SCHEIFFER: You do realize that the British are in Iraq right now, alongside American troops, Mr. President?
BUSH: Of course I do, I was the man who flew to Iraq on Thanksgiving and hailed the crowd of liberated Iraqis with the warning "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
SCHEIFFER: Mr. Kerry?
KERRY: Well, when I was in Vietnam and won a bunch of medals-
BUSH: Wait, wait, I just have to interrupt petulantly and answer that accusation - shit, the damn...Rove, you replayed the tape...Rove? Bob, my communicator isn't working? Can I get a time out?
SCHEIFFER: Closing statements...
KERRY: My fellow Americans, for you are Americans, and half of you are fellows...ha, ha...my fellow Americans, not only is Bush a hypocrite and a liar, but Dick Cheney's daughter is gay, and god bless her.
SCHEIFFER: Mr. President?
BUSH: Hello, America. My communicator is out, so let me just say this - Jesus would vote for me, won't you?POST DEBATE COVERAGE WITH BARBARA WALTERS
BARBARA: I have the head of the Democratic National Committee and Republican National Committee with me here. Gentlemen, who won the debate?
DNC: KERRY
RNC: BUSH
BARBARA: Well, there you have it. It appears American is split on it's choice for the Presidency, and this will be a close race. You can watch the race live on ABC this week, when Senator Kerry divulges a long kept secret to wife Theresa, and the President comes clean with Karl about where his toothbrush has been. Goodnight, from ABC.
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Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Hamradius
Taxi Driver and Jack Torrence on Eating More Fruit
Taxi Driver
Gotta eat more fruits, man. I mean it's like I wake up in the morning and I'm planning on eating fruits and stuff. But, then I drink some coffee and I'm not hungry. Then, like an hour later I'm really hungry and all I want is stuff like bread and cheese. And I know it's not for me, but it's like it's the only thing I can eat. I mean, forget the fruit. Man, I gotta take inventory – figure out where I am, man. Shit, bread and cheese? I might as well be French. And it'sshit like this that's got my mind all moving around in different places. I gotta stay focused. I need discipline. I read that if you keep a habit up for three days you're in the clear. Now, if I could just start eating fruit instead of grilled cheese and macaroni I'd be golden. It gets to be so troubling that I throw away all the bread and stuff in the apartment. But, a day later I'm buying it back again. No discipline, no self control. It's like the crack addicts out on Vincent, man. I'll tell you life ain't nothing but one addiction. Shit, the second you stop doing one thing all these other things pop up. I'm trying my best to stay focused. Keeping up exercise, eating right and watching my language. But, man, it's like I can only do one at a time.
The Shining
Fucking fruit! Fucking fruit, Wendy?Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Eat it?!You know, I've spent half my whole fucking life putting up with this fucking fruit!You know what? I'm not gonna eat it. How do you like them potatoes? Wendy? Weeeeeeeeendy?I suppose you'd just like me to mix it in with the egg and the bread? Right?!Guess what? I got another idea. How about I just feed it to the dog? Would you like that Wendy? If I fed it to the dog? I bet he'd just love it. I bet he'd go stir-crazy for the fruit!Here I go, Wendy, I'm feeding the slices o' cantaloupe to the dog.Oh, he's eaten it. I think he likes it.Do you like it boy? Do – you – like – it?Oh, dat's a goooooood doggy.Here, boy!Ain't that just a hungry, hungry hippo. Wendy, you like hungry hippos, dontcha?Maybe the kind that bark and growl?Or do you like the kind that beg?I bet you like the kind that beg, dontcha Wendy?DONTCHA?!?!
Taxi Driver
Gotta eat more fruits, man. I mean it's like I wake up in the morning and I'm planning on eating fruits and stuff. But, then I drink some coffee and I'm not hungry. Then, like an hour later I'm really hungry and all I want is stuff like bread and cheese. And I know it's not for me, but it's like it's the only thing I can eat. I mean, forget the fruit. Man, I gotta take inventory – figure out where I am, man. Shit, bread and cheese? I might as well be French. And it'sshit like this that's got my mind all moving around in different places. I gotta stay focused. I need discipline. I read that if you keep a habit up for three days you're in the clear. Now, if I could just start eating fruit instead of grilled cheese and macaroni I'd be golden. It gets to be so troubling that I throw away all the bread and stuff in the apartment. But, a day later I'm buying it back again. No discipline, no self control. It's like the crack addicts out on Vincent, man. I'll tell you life ain't nothing but one addiction. Shit, the second you stop doing one thing all these other things pop up. I'm trying my best to stay focused. Keeping up exercise, eating right and watching my language. But, man, it's like I can only do one at a time.
The Shining
Fucking fruit! Fucking fruit, Wendy?Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Eat it?!You know, I've spent half my whole fucking life putting up with this fucking fruit!You know what? I'm not gonna eat it. How do you like them potatoes? Wendy? Weeeeeeeeendy?I suppose you'd just like me to mix it in with the egg and the bread? Right?!Guess what? I got another idea. How about I just feed it to the dog? Would you like that Wendy? If I fed it to the dog? I bet he'd just love it. I bet he'd go stir-crazy for the fruit!Here I go, Wendy, I'm feeding the slices o' cantaloupe to the dog.Oh, he's eaten it. I think he likes it.Do you like it boy? Do – you – like – it?Oh, dat's a goooooood doggy.Here, boy!Ain't that just a hungry, hungry hippo. Wendy, you like hungry hippos, dontcha?Maybe the kind that bark and growl?Or do you like the kind that beg?I bet you like the kind that beg, dontcha Wendy?DONTCHA?!?!
Hannarabius
We're diving down. We're diving down.I had a pet riddle I opened up and spent the day looking for. There's insanity all over the place.There's a small ceramic house I keep by the bed stand. There's small, ceramic people that live in it. The father comes out nightly for water from the cup I keep on my bedside.In the days the ceramic family pick bails of lint from the carpet. It's a textile economy on my bed stand.The women of the house make lint dresses, jeans, nightgowns, t-shirt, gloves, mittens, hats, parasols, and on and on.On Saturdays the family makes there way out the window and down the drain pipe to sell their wares to the local ceramic people at the ceramic farmer's market in the ceramic Zen garden my neighbor has out on her porch.Ceramic fish sandwiches and chips are served to all the patrons as they browse through ceramic wines, apples, pears, peaches, tulips, and on and on.There's a ceramic man named Bud who plays auctioneer for ceramic hogs and horses.Saturday night the family returns up the drain pipe and retires to their ceramic beds.But, there's ceramic nightmares. Large intestinal figures of misshapen form. Ceramic monsters created by a drunk on a broken wheel.The monsters move at night and coil themselves around the legs of my bed and mewl and wine until they are fed.They feed on chips of wood I keep in a bowl next to the bed. Once fed, they slither out the window and down into the courtyard and haunt the animals down there.When a full moon comes the nightmares feed on the ceramic flesh of the others. A ceramic child is sacrificed each month on my bed stand while I sleep.I wake up sweating to ceramic families in shock as they watch ceramic nightmares slowly break apart a ceramic child and gorge on the ceramic bits and pieces.I guess I could do something, but they're only ceramics.
News from the Past
News Roundup October 18, 2004
Well, the top story on CNN is the early opening for Florida voters. Now, if this doesn't just blatantly show us that Floridians are collectively riding the short bus to this election, I'll be damned. Imagine, a state has to make legislation to add two weeks onto the voting process to ensure that those not able to mark or punch a card have sufficient time to fuck up the election so that the Federal Government can clean up their mess. Personally, I don't think we should count any of their votes this year around. Florida needs to be punished and Floridians should use this year to get their shit together and figure out how make vote box punch out.
Next.Apparently Al-Zarqawi and Bin Laden have joined forces to give Jerry Bruckheimer a wet dream. In a statement made from Al—Zarqawi's cave of doom, the militant declared allegiance to Osama bin Laden. Which begs the question "Terrorists can strike up allegiances across the globe; why is America stuck with only Britain and Australia?" Which brings up the biggest joke in Bush's tirade in the second debate – his claim that Poland was with us just a day after they announced they were taking off.Bye Poland.
A recent Pentagon report says that many ex-Gitmo prisoners are returning to terror. Now, why do you think that is? Let's see: we throw these people into an internment camp without filing charges or giving them a chance to defend themselves, then we tortured them. What are we teaching them? We're teaching them barbarism and how to explore your hatred of America in solitude with only terrorists to hang out with. Some of these people have nothing to do with terrorism or any of this nonsense. Now, they come out going "Well, I really couldn't give a shit one way of the other about America, but now....I'm getting my terror on, dawg!"
Jesus lord.The Peterson defense testimony begins today. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. In a country where people are murdered everyday, why do we care about this stupid trial? I'd even give it the benefit of the doubt if the woman was invited into our homes everyday on some lame-ass sitcom, but she has no mark of acknowledgement from us other than she's "beautiful." This goes on and on and on. Every week I get a flyer about a missing child or mother; where is their national press conference? I guess it's because they're poor and/or ethnic and/or ugly. Laci Peterson would still be in the bay if she was a fat, black steelworker from Houston. They wouldn't even question the guilt of her husband. They'd slam him through the system and throw away the key. But, this rich, punk fuck dazzles the world with his college frat behavior and we give him a star spangled trial that's wasting brain cells everywhere. I say fry the bastard so I don't have to hear about this shit any longer.Fuckface.
Britney Spears is taking time off to "chill." Hmmmm.....Britney Spears is taking time off to chill..Britney Spears is taking time off to chill....headline news....Britney Spears chilling....in the headlines.....chilling......is it possible that the media is not only untrustworthy and degenerate, but could it actually be retarded and/or brain dead at the same time? The headlines read Florida voting retarded, Bin Laden meeting and greeting around the globe, Iraqi PM talking loud and saying nuthin, ex-Gitmo prisoners proving Skinner, flu vaccines fucked up, Peterson jerk fest, then Britney "chilling." That's like a doctor telling you you have cancer, emphysema, and a hang nail.Retartartarded.
Well, the top story on CNN is the early opening for Florida voters. Now, if this doesn't just blatantly show us that Floridians are collectively riding the short bus to this election, I'll be damned. Imagine, a state has to make legislation to add two weeks onto the voting process to ensure that those not able to mark or punch a card have sufficient time to fuck up the election so that the Federal Government can clean up their mess. Personally, I don't think we should count any of their votes this year around. Florida needs to be punished and Floridians should use this year to get their shit together and figure out how make vote box punch out.
Next.Apparently Al-Zarqawi and Bin Laden have joined forces to give Jerry Bruckheimer a wet dream. In a statement made from Al—Zarqawi's cave of doom, the militant declared allegiance to Osama bin Laden. Which begs the question "Terrorists can strike up allegiances across the globe; why is America stuck with only Britain and Australia?" Which brings up the biggest joke in Bush's tirade in the second debate – his claim that Poland was with us just a day after they announced they were taking off.Bye Poland.
A recent Pentagon report says that many ex-Gitmo prisoners are returning to terror. Now, why do you think that is? Let's see: we throw these people into an internment camp without filing charges or giving them a chance to defend themselves, then we tortured them. What are we teaching them? We're teaching them barbarism and how to explore your hatred of America in solitude with only terrorists to hang out with. Some of these people have nothing to do with terrorism or any of this nonsense. Now, they come out going "Well, I really couldn't give a shit one way of the other about America, but now....I'm getting my terror on, dawg!"
Jesus lord.The Peterson defense testimony begins today. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. In a country where people are murdered everyday, why do we care about this stupid trial? I'd even give it the benefit of the doubt if the woman was invited into our homes everyday on some lame-ass sitcom, but she has no mark of acknowledgement from us other than she's "beautiful." This goes on and on and on. Every week I get a flyer about a missing child or mother; where is their national press conference? I guess it's because they're poor and/or ethnic and/or ugly. Laci Peterson would still be in the bay if she was a fat, black steelworker from Houston. They wouldn't even question the guilt of her husband. They'd slam him through the system and throw away the key. But, this rich, punk fuck dazzles the world with his college frat behavior and we give him a star spangled trial that's wasting brain cells everywhere. I say fry the bastard so I don't have to hear about this shit any longer.Fuckface.
Britney Spears is taking time off to "chill." Hmmmm.....Britney Spears is taking time off to chill..Britney Spears is taking time off to chill....headline news....Britney Spears chilling....in the headlines.....chilling......is it possible that the media is not only untrustworthy and degenerate, but could it actually be retarded and/or brain dead at the same time? The headlines read Florida voting retarded, Bin Laden meeting and greeting around the globe, Iraqi PM talking loud and saying nuthin, ex-Gitmo prisoners proving Skinner, flu vaccines fucked up, Peterson jerk fest, then Britney "chilling." That's like a doctor telling you you have cancer, emphysema, and a hang nail.Retartartarded.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Old and not paragraphed
Don't Believe the Hype: The Terrorists Want Bush to WinIn reading the title of this article I realize how ridiculous it reads to label these people as "the terrorists." But, for the sake of speaking to the ill-informed, we'll leave it.The Bushalikes of this world would like you to believe that "the terrorists" (I'm guessing Bin Laden and his Iraqi counterpart Al-Zarqawi) would like John Kerry to win the 04 vote. Their reasoning is that John Kerry is weak on terror and would create a weaker America for the terrorists to attack.Nothing could be further from the truth, and I believe their reasoning stems from a belief that the more liberal you are the weaker you are. And, in fact, this is also untrue as liberals have been the most courageous of Americans in their fight for change under the Bush administration in the face of "if you're not with us, you're against us".But, John Kerry is far from liberal or weak. This is a former prosecutor, and (god help me, but let's just restate it once again) a decorated vet. To explain it further, I would add that I'm as left-leaning as they come and was very disappointed in the results of the Democratic primaries as I believe this nation needs an even swifter and harder push to the left, Dean style.Therefore, Kerry would not be weak on terror and has faced it first hand (Vietnam).And neither would George Bush. But, that doesn't mean that a Bush re-elect would be trouble for Bin Laden and Co.In fact, it would be a boon.No United States president has done more for the Islamic Fundamentalist movement than George Bush. If you want to play the mirror game, look at the Christian Fundamentalists that got Bush into Texas in the first place. But, further: the attack without firm evidence on Afghanistan (which I actually may support), the attack on Iraq with no evidence or international support, and the continued unconditional support of Israel has made Bin Laden a lightning rod of resistance. Add the jackboot arrest without warrant, evidence, or trial of Muslims all over the world for suspected mischief and you have a hatred of America and a love of anything anti-America in the Muslim world that will no doubt has caused fanatical support of anyone who aims a plane at the United States.All of these policies have been created by the current administration (barring Israel), and I'm sure they will become tougher if Bush is to be re-elected.Now, on one point Bush said it right: "we must win the hearts and minds of these people." Have we? On the contrary, we have done everything in our power to make sure that any initial hatred of us was justified.Terrorists (or the specter of terrorism) is a different kind of war and one in which the enemy has no country, no base of operation and lives next door to the civilians caught in the middle. This war on terrorism cannot be won by brute force.Reagan put the final nail in the Communist coffin of the USSR when he helped bleed the Russians dry of wealth with continued pressure on the Space and Arms race.What George Bush should have done was bleed the terrorists of their beliefs that America was the great Satan. This could have been done with the help of humanitarian efforts in the Middle East, a firm stance with Israel that terrorism is terrorism no matter what flag you carry, and sanctions against Saudi Arabia for the bizzaro Democratic state they claim to have.Instead we froze all accounts linked to these humanitarian groups and threw those who gave in jail. Instead, we have watched Israel kill women and children daily (and if you say "right to protect" look at the numbers of dead and we'll score). Instead we have continued to ignore the hate taught in schools against America and Israel, the brutal justice system, and the criminal misogyny in Saudi Arabia.Were some of the humanitarian groups supporting terrorists? Sure. Probably. But, what is ignored is that we continue to support groups and countries that give and practice terror. Not only that, but some of these "terrorist" organizations are the crux of the social and economic systems in some countries. Some of these groups provide the only education the children of these countries will ever get. And if they are teaching their children to hate America and Israel and we're offended, then we should pass the offense to Saudi Arabia.George Bush went ass first at full speed into the mild contempt for America in the Middle East and turned it apocalyptic.Without George Bush and with a complete overhaul of how we treat Islamic nations and people, Bin Laden would certainly find a reason to attack us again lacking. And, what's more, his people would find him lacking the integrity that he has so easily acquired in the last ten years.So, if you feel safer with George Bush, keep in mind that Bin Laden does as well.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Denzel Washington Showed Up at My Door Last Night and Other Stories
How to Pretend You're in a Movie
Take a marker and black out all the product names of things around you. For instance, I have a bottle of Vaseline lotion, Tylenol, and a Mountain Dew on my desk. If I simply take a black marker and
Why do I have Vaseline on my desk?
My Sci Fi Story with a Twist
So, I'm this dude and I am sleeping. I wake up and realize I'm an alcoholic, I've never been married, and I will probably die of obesity.
Then I wake up!
It turns out I've been in a spaceship for 33 years and in order to keep me occupied, they have given me a virtual reality life while I'm hibernating.
I land on the planet Vega and begin binge drinking and eating.
Calling in Dead
What you do is you call your boss up and you leave a message like "Mr. Jones, it's Matt…I…I don't know where I am. It's like…one minute I was on the roof cleaning the shingles and then…I think I might be dead!" Sound like you're crying and stuff and be extra freaked out.
Continue leaving messages throughout the day about different encounters with spirits and how your boss might be the only link you have to the other side you just passed from.
If he ever picks up, hang up. That will prolong the suspense and make it seem like you can only be heard on recordings.
The next day, when you come in, brag about the prank you did and how your boss is such a good sport. He'll totally forget about it and won't dock you a sick day.
Denzel Washington Showed Up at My Door Last Night
"You got some soda?" Denzel asked.
I was totally taken aback, never before had a celebrity shown up at my doorstep. "I think I do."
"Damn right!" Denzel said and then walked passed me to my fridge where he got a Pepsi and drank it in one gulp. "Ahhhhh." He sighed. Then he smiled at me and acted like I should say something.
"Was it good?"
"Damn right!" Then he kicked me in the nuts and left.
Denzel Washington. In my house? Who would have guessed?
Rubbish Bear
A cool thing to teach children is that monsters are really real and they will attack you if you don't do as you're told.
For instance, the Rubbish Bear.
The Rubbish Bear is a make believe monster that lives in the recycling plant. If your kids don't recycle, you tell them that the Rubbish Bear will come and get them.
But you can't stop there. Kids are wise asses these days and don't believe just any Tom, Dick, or Hank monster story. You need to make it real.
That's why I created a whole costume and a list of medieval punishments that suit certain offenses.
Like if you throw trash in the garbage instead of the recycling bin, the Rubbish Bear comes and slashes open your stomach with a serrated knife and pulls your intestines out and ties them to a pole and makes you walk around the pole until all your intestines have untangled from your stomach.
This is coupled with the costume that consists of a large bear mask, a white glove, and a lot of blood.
Trust me – it gets results.
HR Month
Sure, it's important to celebrate not acknowledging adjectives that relate to people, but a whole hour?
Typical of HR Month is the HR meeting where you talk about what can get you fired and what can't. Also, about FMLA in case you go loony from worrying about getting fired.
Most of the time is used to address different models of poor behavior and what can be done to stop it.
The models themselves are offensive and make you cringe. For instance, the one where the one lady calls the other lady a bible thumper and then says that she must be Catholic or Mormon because she has so many kids. And the whole time it's being acted out by REAL Catholics and Mormons in your group.
But then you get to eat tacos and you get some cookies, so it's not all bad.
Hammer, P.I.
It was just seconds before the phone rang that Hammer decided he should pick it up.
This odd coincidence shook Hammer's nerves, like a blender that's broken and shakes up a milkshake.
"Hammer, here."
"Hammer, it's Mrs. Godiva."
"Godiva, how about some chocolates?" Hammer always joked with Mrs. Godiva this way because her name was named after a chocolate and not because she was black.
"That's offensive."
"No, it's not. It's – I mean you're black, but it's not the joke. The joke is that you're named after…" Hammer went on to explain what I just explained above.
"Whatever, listen, I have a case for you. And it involves MURDER!"
Hammer quickly hung up the phone. "Murder? At this hour?"
Take a marker and black out all the product names of things around you. For instance, I have a bottle of Vaseline lotion, Tylenol, and a Mountain Dew on my desk. If I simply take a black marker and
Why do I have Vaseline on my desk?
My Sci Fi Story with a Twist
So, I'm this dude and I am sleeping. I wake up and realize I'm an alcoholic, I've never been married, and I will probably die of obesity.
Then I wake up!
It turns out I've been in a spaceship for 33 years and in order to keep me occupied, they have given me a virtual reality life while I'm hibernating.
I land on the planet Vega and begin binge drinking and eating.
Calling in Dead
What you do is you call your boss up and you leave a message like "Mr. Jones, it's Matt…I…I don't know where I am. It's like…one minute I was on the roof cleaning the shingles and then…I think I might be dead!" Sound like you're crying and stuff and be extra freaked out.
Continue leaving messages throughout the day about different encounters with spirits and how your boss might be the only link you have to the other side you just passed from.
If he ever picks up, hang up. That will prolong the suspense and make it seem like you can only be heard on recordings.
The next day, when you come in, brag about the prank you did and how your boss is such a good sport. He'll totally forget about it and won't dock you a sick day.
Denzel Washington Showed Up at My Door Last Night
"You got some soda?" Denzel asked.
I was totally taken aback, never before had a celebrity shown up at my doorstep. "I think I do."
"Damn right!" Denzel said and then walked passed me to my fridge where he got a Pepsi and drank it in one gulp. "Ahhhhh." He sighed. Then he smiled at me and acted like I should say something.
"Was it good?"
"Damn right!" Then he kicked me in the nuts and left.
Denzel Washington. In my house? Who would have guessed?
Rubbish Bear
A cool thing to teach children is that monsters are really real and they will attack you if you don't do as you're told.
For instance, the Rubbish Bear.
The Rubbish Bear is a make believe monster that lives in the recycling plant. If your kids don't recycle, you tell them that the Rubbish Bear will come and get them.
But you can't stop there. Kids are wise asses these days and don't believe just any Tom, Dick, or Hank monster story. You need to make it real.
That's why I created a whole costume and a list of medieval punishments that suit certain offenses.
Like if you throw trash in the garbage instead of the recycling bin, the Rubbish Bear comes and slashes open your stomach with a serrated knife and pulls your intestines out and ties them to a pole and makes you walk around the pole until all your intestines have untangled from your stomach.
This is coupled with the costume that consists of a large bear mask, a white glove, and a lot of blood.
Trust me – it gets results.
HR Month
Sure, it's important to celebrate not acknowledging adjectives that relate to people, but a whole hour?
Typical of HR Month is the HR meeting where you talk about what can get you fired and what can't. Also, about FMLA in case you go loony from worrying about getting fired.
Most of the time is used to address different models of poor behavior and what can be done to stop it.
The models themselves are offensive and make you cringe. For instance, the one where the one lady calls the other lady a bible thumper and then says that she must be Catholic or Mormon because she has so many kids. And the whole time it's being acted out by REAL Catholics and Mormons in your group.
But then you get to eat tacos and you get some cookies, so it's not all bad.
Hammer, P.I.
It was just seconds before the phone rang that Hammer decided he should pick it up.
This odd coincidence shook Hammer's nerves, like a blender that's broken and shakes up a milkshake.
"Hammer, here."
"Hammer, it's Mrs. Godiva."
"Godiva, how about some chocolates?" Hammer always joked with Mrs. Godiva this way because her name was named after a chocolate and not because she was black.
"That's offensive."
"No, it's not. It's – I mean you're black, but it's not the joke. The joke is that you're named after…" Hammer went on to explain what I just explained above.
"Whatever, listen, I have a case for you. And it involves MURDER!"
Hammer quickly hung up the phone. "Murder? At this hour?"
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