Underwater Petting Zoo Idea
So, I have this idea about this underwater petting zoo.
You take the kids down in a submarine and have all these gloves that are attached to the submarine that hang off the sides, but are accessible from the inside: like in a nuclear lab.
So, you take the kids down, underwater-likes, and they all put their hands in the gloves and get to pet any of the aquatic organisms that pass by.
Also, there'd be, like, some windows so the kids could see what they were petting.
But, it doesn't stop there.
You see, kids are stupid and no matter what kind of environment you're in, they're going to expect goats at a petting zoo.
Kids are idiots.
So, I'd hook a swarm of goats up to oxygen tanks and send them down with the sub on ropes and stuff. When the sub finally settles on the sea floor the goats would settle as well and fall slowly to the seabed.
On the seabed, they'd try to gallop or whatever, but they'd be all aquatic now, so they'd just look like retards. But, the kids are all stupid and would get a kick out of petting them anyway.
Then, I'd advertise a wild card event.
You see, sharks crave goat flesh, so, maybe a swarm of sharks would come by and devour the goats in a horror show the likes of which you haven't seen since Cambodia. The kids would be all freaked out, but it would teach them about ecosystems.
Man, my good ideas are so fucking awesome.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Homo shit
Dead Animal Farm Idea
So, I have this other idea about animals.
This time it's about dead ones.
See, kids these days don't know anything about deadness. Deadness is all around us. It's in the plants, the oceans, and in convenient stores.
What kid's need to understand is that they, one day, will be dead too. But, even further, they need to know that when they die maggots will eat their flesh and they will smell even worse than they do now. Taking it another step further, kids need to know that their friends and family will also decompose and puss and look like bloody shit one day and there's nothing they can do about it.
That's why I have this idea about this dead animal farm.
On the dead animal farm, all the animals are dead and decomposing. So, the children walk in and immediately are hit with the tangiest death stank in the world and they're all like "mom, what's that smell?"
Mom will respond, that's what it's going to smell like when my bloated stomach explodes due to methane gases that need to escape mommy's body, as is God's plan.
The kid's will love it, once they get over the stench. If they don't – fuck em', they deserve little more.
So, I bet you're asking "Matt, how will we keep the animals in a constant state of decomposition?"
Simple, my ass knuckling friend – we'll continually replenish the dead animals.
See, the forest and streets of our lands are JAM PACKED with animals for the slaughter. Like, right now, I could get a raccoon, a deer, a possum, a cat, my neighbor's dog – all of them! Then, I break their necks and let nature do her work – in front of the wee children.
It's just that simple.You can get a hotdog and a coke and watch as "Terry" the cocker spaniel, gives birth to a swarm of maggots that eat her from the inside out. Your kids will love it – and learn!
What could be better?
Damn, I'm smart.
So, I have this other idea about animals.
This time it's about dead ones.
See, kids these days don't know anything about deadness. Deadness is all around us. It's in the plants, the oceans, and in convenient stores.
What kid's need to understand is that they, one day, will be dead too. But, even further, they need to know that when they die maggots will eat their flesh and they will smell even worse than they do now. Taking it another step further, kids need to know that their friends and family will also decompose and puss and look like bloody shit one day and there's nothing they can do about it.
That's why I have this idea about this dead animal farm.
On the dead animal farm, all the animals are dead and decomposing. So, the children walk in and immediately are hit with the tangiest death stank in the world and they're all like "mom, what's that smell?"
Mom will respond, that's what it's going to smell like when my bloated stomach explodes due to methane gases that need to escape mommy's body, as is God's plan.
The kid's will love it, once they get over the stench. If they don't – fuck em', they deserve little more.
So, I bet you're asking "Matt, how will we keep the animals in a constant state of decomposition?"
Simple, my ass knuckling friend – we'll continually replenish the dead animals.
See, the forest and streets of our lands are JAM PACKED with animals for the slaughter. Like, right now, I could get a raccoon, a deer, a possum, a cat, my neighbor's dog – all of them! Then, I break their necks and let nature do her work – in front of the wee children.
It's just that simple.You can get a hotdog and a coke and watch as "Terry" the cocker spaniel, gives birth to a swarm of maggots that eat her from the inside out. Your kids will love it – and learn!
What could be better?
Damn, I'm smart.
We Just...
K, Dead Animals aren't Funny Hey, I know what you're thinking – how come I don't get an erection when I look at cantaloupe anymore. Hey, I hear you.
But, what I want to talk to you about is the previous article "Dead Animal Farm." I want to make sure my readers know that I find nothing funny or enjoyable about "breaking animal neck" or "beating young kittens senseless."
My aim in the previous story was to show my readers just how fragile life really is. Like when you're beating a hen savagely and its head pops off.
I really wanted to display a softer side of myself. I didn't want to nurture any deep seated feelings regarding the brutal final solution for all ox and ox-like animals.
Animals are fun meat puppets for us all to play with – not to beat or harm. Children should never witness the brutal realities of animal decomposition.
No, children should be sheltered and nurtured like small French fries that cannot be eaten because they are so small.
Look, hey, you can cast your barbs and angry letters at me – I can take it.
But, please don't take this out on the innocent dead animals that line my fence, rammed onto each fence post in a manner so offensive the FCC fined me.
But, what I want to talk to you about is the previous article "Dead Animal Farm." I want to make sure my readers know that I find nothing funny or enjoyable about "breaking animal neck" or "beating young kittens senseless."
My aim in the previous story was to show my readers just how fragile life really is. Like when you're beating a hen savagely and its head pops off.
I really wanted to display a softer side of myself. I didn't want to nurture any deep seated feelings regarding the brutal final solution for all ox and ox-like animals.
Animals are fun meat puppets for us all to play with – not to beat or harm. Children should never witness the brutal realities of animal decomposition.
No, children should be sheltered and nurtured like small French fries that cannot be eaten because they are so small.
Look, hey, you can cast your barbs and angry letters at me – I can take it.
But, please don't take this out on the innocent dead animals that line my fence, rammed onto each fence post in a manner so offensive the FCC fined me.
Changes
I've Changed my Mind – Dead Animals ARE Funny
Look, there's a lot of life lessons in...life, and one of them is that you'll change your mind now and again. Like, when you think that dead animals are no longer funny.
See, for me, it all came down to the "ha ha", if you will. Dead animals are not clever or ironic, no. But, they are "ha ha" funny. Like if you witness a horse run through traffic and just get annihilated by a dump truck. There's nothing clever there; it's just a cheap joke.
So, therefore, I retract my last statement and amend it to:
Horses Getting Hit by Dump Trucks are a Prescription for HA HA
There, I said it.
I do not, however, condone the wholesale slaughter of horses by dump trucks. That would not be funny. In order for a horse being hit by a dump truck to be funny, you must see it at random and only once.
Put it this way: imagine a horse being hit by a dump truck. JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!! OK, now, imagine that same thing once again.
I bet you didn't laugh the second time, did you?
Look, we are all made from the same primordial goop, except people from Texas, and we all find different things funny. I, myself, may find dead horses funny and you may not. But, damnit, we need to celebrate the differences! So what if I want to rob banks and dress up like Al Roker on Thanksgiving – are those crimes?
Nay, they are expressions of the human will to be....to be....to be....to just be. Now, you've gone and made me cry. I hope you are happy.
Look, there's a lot of life lessons in...life, and one of them is that you'll change your mind now and again. Like, when you think that dead animals are no longer funny.
See, for me, it all came down to the "ha ha", if you will. Dead animals are not clever or ironic, no. But, they are "ha ha" funny. Like if you witness a horse run through traffic and just get annihilated by a dump truck. There's nothing clever there; it's just a cheap joke.
So, therefore, I retract my last statement and amend it to:
Horses Getting Hit by Dump Trucks are a Prescription for HA HA
There, I said it.
I do not, however, condone the wholesale slaughter of horses by dump trucks. That would not be funny. In order for a horse being hit by a dump truck to be funny, you must see it at random and only once.
Put it this way: imagine a horse being hit by a dump truck. JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!! OK, now, imagine that same thing once again.
I bet you didn't laugh the second time, did you?
Look, we are all made from the same primordial goop, except people from Texas, and we all find different things funny. I, myself, may find dead horses funny and you may not. But, damnit, we need to celebrate the differences! So what if I want to rob banks and dress up like Al Roker on Thanksgiving – are those crimes?
Nay, they are expressions of the human will to be....to be....to be....to just be. Now, you've gone and made me cry. I hope you are happy.
Corky
Birch is the Shittiest of Trees
No lie. If you ever see a Birch tree, shake your head in disgust. These trees are rotten. They stand all tall and act like they're so great. Don't believe it. Birch trees are for shit. No one needs them. You sure don't. Tell the world! Shout it loud!
If you are French, climb the Eiffel Tower and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
If you are English, climb Big Ben and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
If you are Norwegian, go visit some popular attraction in Norway and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
How do you like them apples?
Fucking Birch trees never learn.
For instance: I'm at Burger King and I order this Whopper and onion ring meal and this Birch tree comes up, behind the register, and goes "May I take your order." This is after I had already ordered.
Or, this other time, I'm at the local grocery store and I'm looking at the expiration date on milk and this Birch tree comes up and says "Hey, you gonna buy that?" Like I'm some petty crook. Fucking obnoxious Birch trees.
Oh, and then I'm driving on the highway and this Birch tree pulls up right by me and guns his engines, like he's some hot shot.
Dude, Birch trees suck.
If you meet a Birch tree on the street, keep your money close; the Birch trees will totally rob you with no provocation.
Look, I think I made my point here. If you don't believe me, go into the forest some day (that's where they're from) and see if you can find one descent Birch tree.
I bet you can't.
Except for Morris the Birch tree. Morris is my main man. I love you Morris!
Peace,Corky
No lie. If you ever see a Birch tree, shake your head in disgust. These trees are rotten. They stand all tall and act like they're so great. Don't believe it. Birch trees are for shit. No one needs them. You sure don't. Tell the world! Shout it loud!
If you are French, climb the Eiffel Tower and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
If you are English, climb Big Ben and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
If you are Norwegian, go visit some popular attraction in Norway and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
How do you like them apples?
Fucking Birch trees never learn.
For instance: I'm at Burger King and I order this Whopper and onion ring meal and this Birch tree comes up, behind the register, and goes "May I take your order." This is after I had already ordered.
Or, this other time, I'm at the local grocery store and I'm looking at the expiration date on milk and this Birch tree comes up and says "Hey, you gonna buy that?" Like I'm some petty crook. Fucking obnoxious Birch trees.
Oh, and then I'm driving on the highway and this Birch tree pulls up right by me and guns his engines, like he's some hot shot.
Dude, Birch trees suck.
If you meet a Birch tree on the street, keep your money close; the Birch trees will totally rob you with no provocation.
Look, I think I made my point here. If you don't believe me, go into the forest some day (that's where they're from) and see if you can find one descent Birch tree.
I bet you can't.
Except for Morris the Birch tree. Morris is my main man. I love you Morris!
Peace,Corky
I'm a tire
Gypsies!
They have ascended on my place of bidness.
Every year, my company holds a crafts fair. I guess it wouldn't bother me if it wasn't taking place in EVERY FUCKING HALLWAY IN MY BUILDING.
I went down to the cafeteria (some people call it a deli, I call it a cafeteria) and it took me a half hour to get down three flights of stairs.
On every corner there is a group of moppets and their parents selling plausibly useful crap. Like, pins, buttons, flags, quilts, wreaths, and homemade dogs.
It's enough to make me retch.
When I was a wee toddler, my mom got into this "craft" thing and I had to go to these craft sales; sometimes hosted by my own mother. She made Cabbage Patch clothes for dolls. Others made confections or wreaths.
So, walking the hallways brought back a lot of memories. Like the one where I worried that my mom might be poor and destitute enough to sell homemade clothing for dolls.
Another thing that bothers me is how overpriced this shit is. It's like you can get a wreath at Kmart for six bucks, but the same wreath made by Charlotte is now fifty. I'm not saying Chris' mom is ripping people off, no there are far more personal afflictions to her soul that surpass this. What I am saying is that when you break a wreath down, acorn by acorn, you find that making one yourself is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.
Sadly, I have been to Michael's and have seen some of the price tags on this shit. One acorn, to make to a nine acorn wreath probably runs a good two bucks. So, you're already in the red with just the fucking acorns.
The sad part is walking by the tables that aren't getting any bidness. There's this family hocking ski caps, or some shit, and they're twirling them around and no one's paying attention and they got their kids there and they just look like complete losers. It's fucking sad. I feel for them. But, I'm sure as shit not going to buy some shitty ski cap.
But, the basic reason this sucks is that all of this crap is completely useless. Who the fuck needs an American flag potholder? A joker ski cap that went out in 94? A pin with a duck taped to it? Salad tongs made out of a duck's rib cage?
Fucking garbage. I wouldn't regift this shit.
Oh, and I will tell you right now – if anyone gives me a wreath with nine acorns on it for Christmas I'm going to find a really warm place for it.
What the fuck is a wreath anyway? I mean, when you think about it, it's like nailing the shit from your gutters on your fucking door.
Christ, it's like a third world nation just collapsed inside my building.
Luckily I'm a straight male, and therefore, no one expects me to buy this shit.
No one needs to see children knitting what may pay for their only meal of the day. And even if they are learning a trade, it's not like people buy this rotten shit more than once a year – so they're fucked anyway.
Look, everyone agrees – craft fairs are abominations.
They have ascended on my place of bidness.
Every year, my company holds a crafts fair. I guess it wouldn't bother me if it wasn't taking place in EVERY FUCKING HALLWAY IN MY BUILDING.
I went down to the cafeteria (some people call it a deli, I call it a cafeteria) and it took me a half hour to get down three flights of stairs.
On every corner there is a group of moppets and their parents selling plausibly useful crap. Like, pins, buttons, flags, quilts, wreaths, and homemade dogs.
It's enough to make me retch.
When I was a wee toddler, my mom got into this "craft" thing and I had to go to these craft sales; sometimes hosted by my own mother. She made Cabbage Patch clothes for dolls. Others made confections or wreaths.
So, walking the hallways brought back a lot of memories. Like the one where I worried that my mom might be poor and destitute enough to sell homemade clothing for dolls.
Another thing that bothers me is how overpriced this shit is. It's like you can get a wreath at Kmart for six bucks, but the same wreath made by Charlotte is now fifty. I'm not saying Chris' mom is ripping people off, no there are far more personal afflictions to her soul that surpass this. What I am saying is that when you break a wreath down, acorn by acorn, you find that making one yourself is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.
Sadly, I have been to Michael's and have seen some of the price tags on this shit. One acorn, to make to a nine acorn wreath probably runs a good two bucks. So, you're already in the red with just the fucking acorns.
The sad part is walking by the tables that aren't getting any bidness. There's this family hocking ski caps, or some shit, and they're twirling them around and no one's paying attention and they got their kids there and they just look like complete losers. It's fucking sad. I feel for them. But, I'm sure as shit not going to buy some shitty ski cap.
But, the basic reason this sucks is that all of this crap is completely useless. Who the fuck needs an American flag potholder? A joker ski cap that went out in 94? A pin with a duck taped to it? Salad tongs made out of a duck's rib cage?
Fucking garbage. I wouldn't regift this shit.
Oh, and I will tell you right now – if anyone gives me a wreath with nine acorns on it for Christmas I'm going to find a really warm place for it.
What the fuck is a wreath anyway? I mean, when you think about it, it's like nailing the shit from your gutters on your fucking door.
Christ, it's like a third world nation just collapsed inside my building.
Luckily I'm a straight male, and therefore, no one expects me to buy this shit.
No one needs to see children knitting what may pay for their only meal of the day. And even if they are learning a trade, it's not like people buy this rotten shit more than once a year – so they're fucked anyway.
Look, everyone agrees – craft fairs are abominations.
In the neck
Free Burritos Anybody who's interested – free burritos in my cube!!! Come one, come all.But! You will have to get into my building – passed the flying dogs and the killer bees. No man has yet entered the building without a plausible badge.Notice I said "man?" That's right, once, a fortnight ago a woman of great virtue was able to wrastle the flying dogs to the ground and tame the killer bees. That was a glorious day to be Helen BonCarter, I can tell you that much my friend.She strode in and beat the security unmercifully and vanquished the lunch lady. She was a true artist in her deadly art and found her way to my cube where she scorched her tongue on free burritos.Quite a tale, huh?Quite. She had luscious legs that ran all the way up to her chin and a striking chest of huge milk jugs that bounced when sh –Oh, but I have become vulgar. Anyway, so basically, the moral of this story is that there was free burritos in my cube, but I think they are all gone now. There are, however, beverages left for those that have a fancy to be struck.Oh, plus this one dude stunk up the bathroom. Hmmmm......maybe it was from the burrito-ee goodness?Maybe so!
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