Slice McCluskey: Yeti Hunter

Slice McCluskey: Yeti Hunter


The Hunger

Slice stared over the cliffs of the drop. Just as he expected: Yeti. There were nine of them down on the plains beating something with bones. Slice grabbed the binoculars and looked down and realized they were beating a bag of Shake and Bake to death.
"Silly Yeti."

The Yeti

"Ya see, the modern Yeti have all the conveniences we do, they just don't know what to do with them. For instance, I once saw a Yeti using Grape Nuts to wash its hair. Another time I saw them trying to bury their dead on a wooden cross. It comes down to one thing: Yeti are stupid. That's why I study them. I think people need to understand stupid."

Gunfight

The Yeti advanced on Slice from the top of the bluff. He was pinned down with only the camera team and myself to document the battle. As the Yeti approached, they drew their guns and threw them at us.

Capture

For the first time in history, Slice had captured a wounded Yeti. After throwing their guns at us, we shot them all. The lone survivor lay in the tent trying to rub Tylenol into its wound.
"There she is." Slice said. "Wait – she's got a boner."
Slice had deduced that it was a male Yeti.

Escape

"Last night. It was dark. We heard gunfire and made our way to the tent. The Yeti had shot its way out of the tent and made a run into the woods. We released the dogs on him, but to no avail."
The tent had been shot 27 times in a circle, of which the Yeti then ripped open and managed to run for safety.

Mating

We are crouched in front of a large hedge. Nine Yeti are attempting to pick up on each other while pouring breakfast cereal into champagne glasses and listening to a large radiator they've turned on.
"You relax often?" A male Yeti asks his female counterpart.
"I relax all the time." She says whilst dumping the cereal into her mouth and then stamping the champagne glass on the ground.

Commerce

Slice takes us to a Yeti shop.
"Inside this large cave you will see that the Yeti have opened a small bodega. As you can see there are a number of various products the Yeti have stolen from various campsites. However, you'll notice that they are labeled by function."
Slice points at a few of the items.
A group of apples is labeled as toilet paper, while a gallon of gas and a pack of matches are being sold as cleaner/cleansers, and a small dog is being sold as a donkey.
The Yeti proprietor approaches us and asks "No free lunch" and produces a can of yams and 900 dollars in Monopoly money. Slice purchases the yams and the Yeti tries to sell us the donkey. "Moves goods and services to cave."
We turn the Yeti down and he becomes irate and launches the small dog at us.

Culture

The Yeti have numerous traditions and Slice begins to show us pictures of the different tribal dances and feasts from years before, all painted on the inside of a cave. Then he explains that most of the traditions have been left behind as the Yeti began to adopt more and more stupid renditions of American culture. For instance, the Yeti will program a microwave to cook for one second and then dance in a terrible strut to the incessant beeping of the microwave declaring that the second is up. Other forms of this include stopwatches and alarm clocks. The degree of stupidity doesn't get retarded until you see the Macarena being performed to the sound of a rock thumping around in a dryer.

Food

"They will eat anything." Slice informs us. "I once fed a Yeti Arby's."
"Isn't that fast food? What's wrong with that?"
"I once fed them Arby's." Slice repeats.

The Future

What can be said about our secret friend who uses dung to clean non-existent car windows for other Yetis that "drive" by a tree with Christmas lights strung to another tree?
The Yeti are stupid creatures. Forensic scientists believe they cut from our branch of primate sometime in 2004 as American Idol became popular and George W. Bush was reelected President of the United States.
Thousands of years later, you can see Yeti traipsing through the forests wearing low fitting jeans and listening to tape recorded phones ringing on ancient boom boxes.
And yet, some Yetis have made it out of the forest and have taken jobs in the work force. Their slow manner and dimwitted responses have made them a key component of Homeland Security and Banking. Yes, the Yeti can one day rule the Earth.Just joking. They are stupid, stupid creatures.