Good Lord That Sandwich Sucked and Other Observations

So, I Noticed

The other day they are making a Where the Wild Things Are movie. That's all good and all, but WTF? The original cartoon was like three minutes long and the book could be read in one pissing. So this probably means that there's gonna be all this extra shit. Like the kid is gonna have a back story about his alcoholic father that beats him. Or the mother who just lost her job. Whatever. There wasn't much to the story. I'm sure they could add a bunch of stuff about dinosaurs. See, that would be cool. Because then you'd have these Wild Things battling the dinosaurs and then the kid could be caught between the two groups and have to decide which is the best. But in the end he chooses both. But just as he does they pan out and you realize his father's just been beating him for an hour and this is how he escaped from it. Then it's all sad and dramatic.
And he probably dies.

Sometimes I Walk the Line

It's true. Like the other day I was at work and I farted – don't worry this isn't a fart joke. I'm just saying that I farted and before farting I made sure no one heard me fart by taking off my headphones. See, I walk that line. Other days I'll pick my nose. That's another line I walk. Like what if someone sees me? That's some line walking, baby.

Good Lord That Sandwich Sucked

Ahhhhhhh! Ooooohhhhhh! Fuckingyuck! It was so awful. I feel so sick just thinking about it. It's like I can taste the burned out skull of a pig. It's like something they would serve at Arby's. I'm not a nice guy, so I can see how I deserved this…but JESUS! That really sucked. Good job Karma!

Pregnancy is the Shits

So, a friend of mine has opted not to watch the actual birthing of his son/daughter. The wife explained that it could ruin him on sex. So, I was out with another friend and I mentioned it. This led to him explaining how horrible watching pregnancy is – blood, shit, urine – the whole gambit. So, what I'm trying to say is – hey ladies, clean it up.

The Snail's Twitter Account

LOL! Just ate some shit by accident!

Hey, Michael, you still banging slugs?

It feels like I've been on this discarded straw for like nine years. Whoa, this was a dumb endeavor.

Charlie horse!

Michael was tagged in a photo "You get up in that shell?"

Good Lord That Sandwich Sucked

It was like ham and bacon and Swiss melted. That sounds like a good sandwich, but somehow the cooks at my work figured out a way to really fuck it up. Like they…I don't know. Maybe they used exotic ham and bacon? Like how I don't like expensive beer? And maybe it's my fault that I didn't like it? Could be. I need to do more research.

This Dream I Had Last Night

Trent Reznor comes roller skating by and buys some tickets off a scalper. I follow him and ask what he's up to. He says that he's doing some detective work on the scalping business and how they're ripping him off. I ask for an autograph but I don't have a pen. Then I see a coffee cup full of pens and pencils on a street corner and find a piece of paper for him to sign. But he doesn't sign his name he just writes all this bullshit all over the piece of paper to fuck with me. What a dick.

If I Were King of America

The first thing I would do is enslave a large portion of the country. But then I'd make them all go to clown college. Because you wouldn't expect that from enslavement. You know, you're like BAM a slave and then BAM no you're a clown. It would totally fuck your shit up.

Good Lord That Sandwich Sucked

Good Lord that sandwich sucked! I still can't get the taste out of my mouth. I even took my desk trash out to make sure that I wouldn't smell the last broken bits of what was once the most horrid sandwich ever to be created by mankind. Fuck you, Sandwich!