Gay Marriage Will Kill Your Children and Other Stories

Pricehooker

So, I noticed this really cool website the other day: Pricehooker. What you do is you name your own price, the place where you will be screwing the hooker, and then give a star rating as to how hot the hooker must be.
I ended up with Tara Reid in Seattle for 60 bucks. Not the best lay, but it was worth it.

Prop 9: Ban Straight Marriage

Really, could we get this going?
This isn't even in reference to gay marriage. No, I have a selfish agenda: I'm tired of buying wedding gifts. Four marriages in one month is too much.
So, I've seen what those Prop 8 people have done and while I disagree with them, I like their style: ban what you don't like.
Some more:

Prop 10: Stop having fucking children all the time
Prop 11: Make women stop turning me down for sex
Prop 12: Make American Idol illegal
Prop 13: Don't write duplicate jokes in different forms in the same blog
Prop 14: Stop downvoting me on social networks for "not being funny"
Prop 15: Stop sending me flyers to your church "without the weird stuff"
Prop 16: Stop writing this fucking post

Hammer, P.I.

It was late. The office was closed and Hammer was just settling in to his Scotch and Soda when the phone rang.
"Hammer, here."
"Mr. Hammer, I have an interesting opportunity for you."
"Who is this?"
"That's what I want to know."
"What do you mean?"
"I want to pay you to figure out who I am."
"But, don't you know who you are?"
"Now that I've thought about it, I won't be needing your services."
Hammer never thought things through.

That Time I Smuggled A Car Into Canada

That pretty much says it all. But, the deets:
A girlfriend was being deported (kinda, long story) and she was taking her car. After an hour of me trying to explain that you couldn't just simply drive a car into another country without properly licensing it, I gave up. The next weekend I was driving the car into Canada. On the way out when they asked me what I was doing in Canada I told them the truth – if only to spite the girlfriend when she saw how much trouble she caused. After five hours with the American Border Patrol I was released.
So, you can see how I showed her.

Could You All Stop Getting Married and Having Children for One Goddamn Second

I'm serious. Every other day someone has become pregnant or gotten married. I've been to about nine weddings and six deliveries in the last month and I'm getting tired.
Sure, I understand that you need to get married and you need to procreate because you are in love with yourself and need to validate yourself and then reproduce yourself because your ego is so fucking
But I'm getting off track. Point is: stop it. Look, we have Facebook now. If you are one of my friends, then do me the kindness of arranging your marriage or children around my other 199 friends. I want to see 3 marriages and 3 births a year TOPS!
This isn't sour grapes. Sure, I may be a large type asshole, but that doesn't mean I couldn't find some skank to marry me or have my children. See, I'm kind and courteous – I'm waiting till I'm forty so that I won't burden you with my nuptials/children when you have nineteen other friends doing the same thing.
It's just common courtesy.

Gay Marriage Will Kill Your Children

It's true. Many of you have been up in arms about the Prop 8 decision. Well, let me just tell you: we dodged a bullet.
Sure, casinos, cigarettes, alcohol, and American Idol are still legal – but gay marriage isn't just some trivial distraction. No, gay marriage is the leading cause of cancer in some study that Joseph Coors did at this camp in 88 when I was 12.
Have you noticed how many states are trying to make gay marriage legal and how many people have been dying from it? Well, open your eyes, jackass.
Last night I finished a bottle of whiskey after smoking three packs of cigarettes, and while I felt a bit hungover, I certainly wasn't dead. Like how gay marriage would have made me.
Sure, I'm not gay today, but what about tomorrow? I wake up gay and decide to get married and then BAM – I'm dead from gay marriage. I don't want that. And you shouldn't want that. And the courts shouldn't want that.
Gay marriage kills.

Alcoholism is a Drag

So, I woke up this morning and I had a totally bad case of the alcoholism. There was this dire feeling that I needed to get a drink really soon or I would die!!! So, I opened a bottle of absinthe and then chased it with beer. The alcoholism went away, but now I feel it coming on again. It's lunch, so I should be able to make it out for a sixer. I haven't felt this alcoholic in years!!!!

Judge Sotomayer: The Verdict is In

And that verdict is SEXY.
This morning I woke up with some major wood and wondered just what was going on? I could remember having a dream, but it was far from wet. I looked around my room and noticed no pornography. Something was in the air. Eventually, after a long shower, I made it into work and read the news. "Ah, I see." I said looking down at my genitals.
It seemed one Barack Obama had decided to sexify the high court. Well, it didn't get by my bone-dar.
Sonia, you are one sexy MF.