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After a string of attacks and American retaliation that has left 100 Iraqis dead, and 20 Americans, Donald Rumsfeld has called the insurgence a "test of will" for coalition forces. Other tests of will Defense Secretary Rumsfeld is concerned about are "will we ever be able to leave this godawful country?"; "will there come a day when I'm held responsible for the murder of US soldiers?"; and "will I still be super sexy when America wises up and kicks my old ass out of office?"

In other news, Democratic hopeful John Kerry has attacked the President for giving "bucks to the privileged." Kerry then wiped his ass with a hundred dollar bill, nodded and smiled as he said "I don't need your money."

Today, President Bush called for the end of the Sudanese civil war that has left countless men, woman, and children killed and has been largely ignored in the Western media. When asked if he had any plans to send peace keepers, the President rolled his eyes and said "C'mon, they're black."

A new study shows that frequent sex may reduce certain cancers. So, basically, if I start getting laid more, I may counteract the effects of smoking. Now, if I could just get laid...

Presidential Independent Ralph Nader has called for the impeachment of President Bush, citing his betrayal of the American people in his case for the Iraq war. Nader then grabbed his scrotum and asked "Now does Kerry have the balls to make a statement like that? I've bitten bigger pieces out of the auto industry, you fop!" Nader then pulled two "wenches" from the crowd and took off to his island fortress.