TV

Levi Presents: On TV



Tavis Smiley and David Stern


T: Hello, welcome back. Tonight we have with us NBA commissioner David Stern. David Stern – how do you feel about the NBA today and about the image some of the stars are portraying to young people?

D: Well, Tavis, I'm assuming you're talking about the cornrows and the tattoos, and I have to tell you –

T: No. I'm talking about the horn.

D: Oh. Yeah. The horn. Akim Ibrihim. Well, you see in his culture a man must wear a large rhinoceros horn on his back until he is wed.

T: But, David, three Celtics have been gored since Akim came out this season. I mean, c'mon, isn't there a line to be drawn between culture and just plain safety?

D: No. Maybe you don't understand, but culture is very important to our players.

T: He's got a fucking horn attached to his back. When he goes for a rebound the court empties.

D: Look, he's key to the Blazers organization. Also, he's a loving husband and father of three.

T: Wait. I thought you said he had to wear that horn on his back until he was married?

D: Sure.

T: But, he's married.

D: He's a loving father.

T: He decapitated Shaq.

D: Culture, Tavis. Culture.



President Bush's Social Security Network


B: Right here we have a fine, emblazoned certificate that states the bearer's name, his religion, and the amount of dowry he has to bequest. Now, with just four easy payments of 99.99, you can invest your portion of social security in this "Desert Eagle" account. Now, with the Desert Eagle you pay a bit more, but you'll divest...you'll invest...look, it's like planting peanuts – you get this squirrel and you give him – or her, a peanut and you say, "Hey there, little shaver. I want you to go plant this peanut over there. Then the squirrel he goes and plants that peanut, like 25 percent of all of his peanuts, he plants in this meadow that's owned by a large business venture and that venture is like the dirt and...look, people, Jesus told me that if you don't accept my new plan he's going to turn me into a zombie. No one wants a zombie for a president. Well, Frankenstein is kinda a zombie and he was kinda cool. Look, 678 Nascar dads can't be wrong – elect to join my social security plan. Thank you and God Bless.

T: That was President Bush himself! Wasn't that amazing? And in three short months you too could be planting your social security in any one of these private funds. Next in the hour we'll have Dick Cheney using cooking analogies to explain the new program.



Pope Watch


A: Today on Pope watch we'll be spending twelve hours filming the inside of the Pope's nose as he lies dead in the Vatican. Take a journey with us into the nose that once ruled the Catholic world.

B: Jim, we're here inside the Pope's nose. OK, OK, there we are. It's rather dark in here today, oh, there's a nose hair and what looks to be....

A: Sandy, you're cutting off.

B: Jim, it looks like we found what could be the last booger ever created in the Pope's nose. It's looking like dried mucus with a bit of what could be sand. Oh, this is a tremendous find and we'll be here all night documenting the last days of this dried up bo



Public Access



So, then you got these small Tupak Shakur clones running around trying to take down the industry, man. So, it's like you gotta ask yourself, man "Hey, how did they clone Tupak?" Which everyone knows that Kurt Cobain and Tupak are being cloned as we speak in this lab in Jersey, but no one wants to hear about that, man. All they care about is some lady dying on a feeding tube or something, man. Hey, here's a porno I made with my girlfriend at this abandoned wheat farm – it's smoking!



Poetry TV


And in my arms I laid

For not the day

For not the night

In my arms

I shivered for you

You and the wet sponge

JACKRABBIT!

JACKRABBIT!
JACKRABBIT!



You have killed me.



Coming up next on PTV: Town of Despair, Despair Island, and Mounting Despair Wall Part 2



Discovery


The rare Appalachian jackrabbit is a dying breed. Watch as the mother suckles her newborn hare. There is a mist in the air and anticipation of a hot, breezy day. The jackrabbits don't mind; it's been summer for three months and the welcome of fall brings excitement for the coming of hibernation. The jackrabbits will hibernate for three to nine years in small pods developed by Kurt Cobain and Tupak Shakur and forged in a mountain of hellfire. JACKRABBIT! JACKRABBIT! JACKR