I'm Glad You Enjoyed My Bacon

BREAKING NEWS: THE GUY WHO SITS BEHIND ME IS LEAVING THE DEPARTMENT

I’M GLAD YOU ENJOYED
My food I left in the fridge.
especially the bacon. I buy the "ready bacon" and leave it in
the fridge (with my name in big black letters) so I can have
something when I come in at 3:00 am.
But hey if you need it more........


- Post on the bulletin board at work

Could there be a light at the end of the tunnel? Could this last three years of complete waste be over? Maybe so...maybe so.
It began with the super neat apartment and it is continuing with the departure of the Guy Who Sits Behind Me.
You may or may not be familiar with my old site (monkeyspit which has taken down my archives and replaced my stuff with some hack - hey, hack, I believe I was the first to rip off the Onion badly) or the various others I have posted gibberish on. But, the Guy Who Sits Behind Me was a regular.
One of the reasons I do not write about the Guy Who Sits Behind Me anymore is that one of his attributes is looking over my shoulder to see what I'm doing.
So, therefore, it has been dangerous to write about the Guy Who Sits Behind Me.
Before, the Guy Who Sits Behind Me sat directly behind me. So, in order for him to eavesdrop on my business, as is his way, he would have to do a full 180 which would give me time to hide my typing.
But, no more. A year or two ago we moved and now he sits kinda next to me. But, he still sits behind me enough to let him keep his title.
Of course, that title is the Guy Who Sits Behind Me.
In fact, I'm really pushing my luck here. At any time he could decide to stare suspiciously at my screen, as is his way, to see what I got "going on."
In two weeks, the Guy Who Sits Behind Me will be no more. He will now be what he is to all the other drones in this building – That Creepy Guy.
I'll tell you, I could not be more overjoyed. For now, he will be a passing joke instead of a constant Bon Jovi song stuck in my head. He will be a turd sliding down the corporate window, rather than the popped zit that I stomach every morning. In fact, he will no longer have a legible personality for me to clobber.
It's amazing what shear distance can do to eliminate the ugliness in your life. Hell, I have an ex that I can't even imagine in another country.
Yes, my troubles are falling away. Things are coming up Eckert.
Or so it would seem....
So, no more stories about a man who falls in love with a girl who happened to be in the same shot as him at a Christmas party. No more stories about a guy who tells me what a great B.J. he got the other night after working with him for two days. No more psychopathic rants into the phone to his ex. No more "I'm such a modest guy" followed by convulsions of patting himself passive/aggressively on the back. No more long talks about what chords Bon Jovi used in "You Give Love a Bad Name." No more Air:
Guitar
Drum
Saxophone
Microphone
Bongos
Synthesizer
No more having him ask about my weekend and me going into a long story about hunting pink elephants with Arthur C. Clarke and having him respond "really?" No telling me everything I know about everything I see. No more sending me emails, then looking over my shoulder waiting for me to open them so he can see my reaction. No more bumming a pack of smokes a week from me. No more telling me he's "passionate" about hyphens. No more overenthusiastic speeches about the fettuccini sauce he makes. No more brave, courageous, patriotic speeches about how America should stomp the rest of the world. No more stinking socks, greasy hair, and thread worn clothing. No more combing his hair in the window. No more popping zits. No more preening eyebrows, facial hair, and pony tail.
It could go on and on. But, just thinking about it makes me annoyed to the point that I'd like to run a set of knives across a chalkboard just to get it out of my head.
So, basically, if you hear me bitch anymore in this blog about anything, please remind me that I got it easy compared to what I had. Like how he's now standing up right near me staring at his monitor like he's making some huge decision about the rest of the universe.
There are a lot of ugly things in this world, and I'm happy to say I'm not sitting next to them anymore.
If you believe in heeby jeeby election stuff I will say this: this could be an omen that Kerry will win. (EDITOR FROM FUTURE: KARMA WAS PAID)
But, on the other hand, I can honestly say I'd rather get rid of the Guy Who Sits Behind Me than Bush. (EFF: THAT IS STILL CORRECT)
Selfish? Maybe, but this is coming from a guy who just scheduled a "team building" event around the location of my apartment so that I would be able to get drunk.
Cheers,Matthew