ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH????

Well, too bad.


It'd be cool to have a really fast car and drive it really slow. Like on the freeway and all and get a ticket for going too slow. But in the end you're not funny, you're just crazy. That would be cool.

How many of you out there have a job? Aren't jobs weird? You wake up and go to this place for eight hours and then go home and then do the whole thing again. When you think about it, life is like that too. You get up and you live for 16 hours then you go back to bed. But you don't get paid. Oh, and you have herpes.

My favorite band is Nine Inch Nails. Which is an odd thing to say when you're a 35 year old fat guy. That angst and drugged out thing don't really work for ya. That's why I always lie and say Meatloaf. Even though I hate Meatloaf. I mean, I don't really hate him. I just don't like his music. Well, I liked him in Fight Club. But that wasn't about being a musician, that was about being an actor. Anyway, the point is I shouldn't really like Nine Inch Nails for my age and build.

Have you ever had a person talk to you and you really don't care about what they are saying and you just keep nodding like an idiot and you think to yourself "This person must think I'm an idiot for listening to him talk for so long." Then you think, if this is an idiot who thinks you're an idiot then you are REALLY an idiot. Then in the middle of thinking all that they ask you a question about what they were talking about and you just break into a full on run.

Another music I shouldn't like is electronica. Mainly, because I'm not on cocaine, but also because I don't own a Volvo. But I do like it. If you don't know what electronica is I'll tell you – it's music without all the words. So, you can listen to it and make up your own words. Like "La La La. Da Da Da. La La." Can you believe that I can actually drive a car?

What if we actually really cloned a dinosaur? I mean – Wow! That would really do it for everyone. Everyone would wake up and just be like HOLY CRAP WE CLONED A FUCKING DINOSAUR! No one would think about anything except that dinosaur. For one day there'd be total peace on Earth as everyone would just be thinking HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF PEARL – WE CLONED A FUCKING DINOSAUR! You wouldn't even have to go to work. You would call your boss and say JESUS SAMMY DAVIS JUNIOR – WE FUCKING CLONED A DINOSAUR! I think about this, literally, all the time. My wife left me recently and that's how I made it through it all. I just kept pretending GOOD APE SHIT – WE CLONED A FUCKING DINOSAUR! Then anytime anything bad happened I would just think 80 ROSARIES FOR JUDAS – WE CLONED A FUCKING DINOSAUR! You should really try it.

Do you ever start to suspect that everyone has the same psychologist telling them that they need to think about "ME" (them) first? What kind of racket is that? You go in and someone in authority tells you that you are not thinking about yourself enough and that you are in the right 99% of the time? It just pisses me off. That's why I prefer to just stay at home and stay crazy. That way I'm not making my problem your problem. Well, except when I maul your dog. But at least I don't think I'm in the right. No, once my taste for dog flesh is vanquished I sit next to the body and think "Did I really need to do that?"

Has anyone ever said "I can't believe it's (some time) already?" to you and you answer them seriously and respond "Believe it" but you do it all solemn like you just told them someone died? I do that kind of thing all the time.