Stand Up

Have you ever got that feeling that you're being watched? Like you're walking down the street and someone's just staring at you – and they're really bored. Like maybe they're hoping you're going to do something funny or cool, but you aren't cause you're you.
I get that all the time.

Did your parents ever say to you "I'm gonna shake some sense into you" and then grab you and start shaking the crap out of you. Have you ever shook something into something? I think it's impossible. For instance, if I took a phone and pour salt on it and started shaking it – well, I guess some of the salt would shake into the keyboard…god, now I want to shake the crap out of kid.

The best thing about the internet is that you can talk to people from all over the world. I like that. It's like another reason I don't have to travel. I had a friend come back from Brazil the other day and he explained how great the people were and I was like "I know." And he asked me how and I told him that I had talked to people from Brazil over the internet. He said that wasn't the same, and I agreed since I could openly masturbate while I was doing it.

My favorite TV show is that Top Chef thing. I don't know why. It might be that I'm fat and I like to pretend that they are all trying to impress me.

Have you ever had a dream where you were flying? You like take off from the ground and you're up in the air and your thinking – hey man, I'm flying! But then you start thinking about all the planes up there with you and how if you're not lucky you could get sucked into an engine and then you wake up and you wet the bed.

I have an absolute awe of people who enjoy small talk. I know it's cool and all to say that you hate small talk and that it's something simple people do – but what if this: maybe people who like small talk are so relaxed that it's fun. Like when you take a tab of Ecstasy and you enjoy talking to people…like I'm doing now.

I wonder if anyone's had a hangover so bad they committed suicide.

Suicide is a victimless crime once you think it all the way through. This is a thinking joke.

Everyone has dogs now a days. Am I wrong? Doesn't it seem like there's way too many dogs now? Like everyone has one. Like I'm a minority for not having a dog. It didn't used to be that way. Only like five people in America owned dogs. They were like unicorns. Wait – no, I'm thinking of unicorns. OK, but there seems to be a lot of dogs around.

You ever wonder if people are just sick of seeing you? I go in to the same mini mart to buy smokes everyday and there's this woman who works Wednesday through Saturday and I just feel like she's sick of me. She's always super polite, but there's just this feeling she's going "That fat guys gonna buy another pack of smokes." Every time. Like I'm this really bad rerun of MASH. So now I try to mix it up and buy a pack of smokes and another pack of smokes. It totally through her off I think. I'm working on more material – like burritos and fireworks.

I don't like seafood. People will ask me "How can you not like seafood?" and I'll shrug – because I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER. There's nothing I could possibly say that would satisfy that question. "Because I don't" never works, it's like they want more. So now I just say that I was raped once while eating fish sticks.

Technology keeps changing. It bugs me. Once I learn one thing, I have to learn another. Then another. Then another. It gets to the point that I'm constantly learning and then I'm like "Hey, I didn't pay for this course." You get it???

How many of you out there like pizza? How many of you out there like rock n roll? How many of you out there like 9-11. Gotcha on that. But think about it – what if they were listening to rock n roll and eating pizza on those planes? It doesn't make it OK, but somehow it's not as horrific. I don't know why.

Have you ever been tempted to put on a pair of gloves and just go full blown OCD? Like pick it up as a hobby? I think about things like that. It might be fun. Unless you couldn't turn it off and had to go to the hospital and you couldn't get out because your lame excuse is you were just pretending.