DAVIS TODD - YOGA GUY

"I will now bend my body into the shape of a banana." Davis leaned forward. "This is a banana. Juliette, come eat me."

"Today we'll be doing something different." Davis pulled a knife from behind his back. "I want you all to tell me who put this here in my back?"
The students looked around at each other.
"The answer is Davis Todd when he thought any of you cared about Yoga."

"Girls, and you one guy – I want you to perform like your life depended on it. Therefore, I'm going point this gun at you – don't worry it's not loaded – or is it?" Davis examined the gun. "OK, yeah, it was loaded."

"Today, class, I have a cough. I'm hoping it's not something serious, and I'm serious about that. I had something serious once and it scared me. It was a monkey and his name was ALCOHOL."

"I'm tired of doing the same positions. We're gonna try something new. Alice, get on top of Mary. OK, Juliette, get on top of Alice. Yes, that's right. OK, now Tim, stand on that pile of women. Be proud, Tim, this is an advanced class."

"OK, I got a little note from the complaint department. It seems that one of you princesses didn't like my use of the word ugly bitch – that's fine. For now on we're all going to live in Nazi times and no one can say anything. Alice – what time is it?"
"11."
"Um, Alice, we're in Nazi times."

"This is the Crouching Internet. You see how my hand is down my pants and my eyes are staring straight ahead and I'm holding up my phone to my face to take a picture?"

"OK, girls and Tim, which one of you wants to stare me straight in the eyes for the full hour while the rest of you look on in awe?"

"Yoga is not a fad. Yoga is not a way to lose weight. Yoga is not a way for you to fart in public and think it's OK. Tim, you need to stop farting."

"This is a move that I learned from Bill Cosby. Yes, the Bill Cosby. I bet you didn't think he did yoga. Probably because you think black people don't do yoga, because you all hate black people. OK, let's just do the move and forget that you are all racists with Miatas."

"I want to talk to you today about accepting yourself. You see, the body is tied up with your mind. When your mind feels crummy, your body will feel crummy. Now if your body feels crummy you won't be able to practice yoga. And why does your mind feel crummy? It's because you can't accept yourself. Alice, what's bothering you the most right now?"
"Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend."
"Alice, you need to accept that and move on."
"OK."
"Say it like you mean it!"
"OK!"
Davis then pulled out the gun "Like you mean it."

"This is a snake. He's my pet. His name is Henry and he likes to bite people that don't pay their dues on time. I’m going to just let go of him and see what he does."

"Tim, your farting is out of control. You have to leave."
"But I didn't fart."
"Yet – I see that look in your eye."