God Has a Plan

God has a plan. You can see it in the trees and the flowers and the sky and all that is life. But what is surprising is that it's a dental plan.

One time I went to the dentist and the dental technician was looking at my teeth and complaining about how much plaque was on them. So, I jokingly said "Yeah, you should just yank them all out and get it over with."
She responded, "Oh, no, you don't want to do that."
Astounded that she took me seriously, I said "Oh, I'm just joking."
But that didn't sink in and then she began explaining why I need my teeth.
Then I started wondering if I'm secretly retarded and no one told me…or I couldn't understand it when they did.

One thing that I like about the retarded is they don't picket. You never see a bunch of retarded people out picketing. I mean the real kind, not Tea Baggers.

The Tea Bagging movement…that's the joke.

Jokes are a good way to hide the truth. Like when I hid an affair I was having from my wife in a joke. I said "Yeah, right – like I could get hard again after just having sex with your sister." She laughed, but it was because she thought I was impotent.

Impotence affects a large number of men. It's a spine tingling disease in which you can't have sex because your ding dong doesn't work. It's like when you have a big oil drill made out of rubber. Everyone's like, Let's get some oil! And the drill's like How? Then they take the drill and they try to bore a hole in the Earth but it just bends and starts comically circling the ground like a deflating water balloon. Then the drill is like It's because I'm wasted. Then the guys are all like Whiskey Drill. Then the drill's like Yeah. Then they all start drinking and then all the humans are impotent too. And then no one's gonna have sex or get any oil. So no one has anywhere to go.
That's how you truly green up Mother Earth.

Speaking of Earth, wouldn't it tick Al Gore off if he found out the sun was just this huge incandescent bulb?

They have energy efficient bulbs now-a-days. They look really fucked up. It's like a spiral tube that's wrapped up like a good pile of dog shit. My mom has them up in the bathroom around a vanity mirror. You know – the old timey mirrors with the bulbs around them. Well, it's just like the olden days, but you have fluorescent coils of dogshit lighting your face. It would be so cool to explain this to the writers of the Jetsons.

Writers can be weird, reclusive people. Some live in castles with moats and own slaves and stuff. Then they write about it. And everyone thinks it's just a story, but it's really real. Like Dune.

In the book Dune there's a planet that has so little water that the humans on the planet have to wear special suits that recycle all their fluids. There's also these creatures that can bend space and warp it so that spaceships can travel to distant galaxies in no time at all. So why can't they manage to irrigate the damn Dune planet? Hell, Sting is even there! Let me get this straight, you can bend time and space and you have Sting and you can't water a planet? This is just like the future with the dogshit bulbs.

It's springtime and the bulbs are blooming. Bulbs are these things that you plant in the ground in the winter and then these clowns on accordions pop out of the ground and scare the living shit out of all the moles in your yard. So, if you have a mole problem…

My mother was just diagnosed with low sodium. It seems she needs more electrolytes. Which is cool, because she needs more electricity like a robot. My mother, the robot. I'm stoked.

Have you ever been with a bunch of guys and they're all fighting over the best way to stoke a fire? And then you set one of them on fire to prove your point. And then the guy you set on fire starts running around the camp ground on fire yelling "Oh my God, I'm on fire!" And it kind of looks like he's dancing so everyone thinks he means that he's really good at dancing. Then you follow him around with a hotdog on a stick. And then finally he falls down and you have your fire. Then everyone gets "cozy".

One time my great grandmother knitted me a butter cozy. It's basically a piece of fabric that you put around your butter dish to make the dish cozy. Or possibly the butter. I don't know. So, I put it on my butter dish and I started hearing snoring. Then the butter started pooling out of the cozy because it was so snug and tight in its cozy that it melted. That's how I want to go.

I hate going. Like when you're at someone's house and you have to go. Or you're at work and you have to go. "Hey, I'm going." It just sounds bad. Besides, no one seems to understand that yes, I am staying where I am and yes, I'm peeing myself.

One time I got so drunk I peed my bed. Which was kind of cool. You know like when you see an old TV show or movie from your childhood and you get a warm feeling? Nostalgia for peeing the bed isn't wrong.

The other day I set my bed against the wall so that when I wake up I don't have to get out of bed.

Someone told me once I should get out more. I was like "Where?" And they were like "Just out." And then I was like "Your advice is really vague. Can you be more specific." Then they mentioned the movies. And I was like "That's in." And then they were like "Or the country." And I asked "What country?" And then they were like "Just out there in the country." And they waved their hands at the door going out of the woman's locker room.

99% of bad shit that happens in an After School Special goes down in a locker room. I think what they were trying to tell us is that you shouldn't exercise.

I've been doing some exercise lately. I have these small weights that I do lifts with. I figure when I get really good at lifting those weights, I'll buy bigger and bigger weights the better I get. I figure one day I'm going to be really built, but really broke. That's when I start using my muscles for crime.