Sinners

I'm Feeling Soooooo Baptist Today

Ah, what a morning. I think I might take a walk or - ahhhhhhhhhhh, nuts. I all of a sudden feel totally Baptist.
Lord, this happens every Sunday.......
Turning on the TV I find that the homoseckshuls have again spread Satanic Hate on another city.

Damnit, GOD! What the hell? I think it was that moonshine I drank last night or something. Jesus, I better lock the door before I -

I think I'll read some passages from the good book, let me lord, find wisdom in your hatred for all that are not like I. Let me bathe in the warm light and sunny glow for all that is deemed offensive to me and my close minded ilk. Let me run like a lost child in the sea of make believe, as I spin yarns of the good old days when we could righteously hang and quarter the offenders of thy lord

Fuck! This is just great. I have the neighbors due over for brunch in an hour! If I'm Baptist for even a second they'll never come over again! I need to see a doctor or

Ah, praise the Lord and let me spin the devil's internet into a mouthpiece for my utter hatred of those that would offend me for no reason at all. Let me lay a blanket of fundamentalist interpretations upon the comments of every site from here to etherternity. Oh, the Lord is a good lord, who giveth in parcels of paper that I shall hand out at colleges and save the non-Christian heathens from a good time. I shall -

Christ, they're here.

"Hello, Becky, how are you?"
"Great, Matt. This is my new girlfreind Judy."

(Gritting teeth....can't hold back...........slowly hulking into a ....)

"Oh, praise the Lord that you have come to me, for unto me I shall deliver you from the evils of your wayward, disgusting witchery that has perverted you into the demons I see before me, the louse himself has driven you to the bowels of evil and you stand before me for a feast, but no feast will come until you have unraveled your coils from the evils of female sodomite....ness. Oh, Lord, will you give me the strength to...."

"Matt, hey, are you OK? You seem to be a little....Baptist. Did you drink that Moonshine Scott made?"

"Yeah, i knew it would happen. I just don't think sometimes. Judy, please pardon me if I * OH, LET THE LORD SMITE THESE CHILDREN FOR THEY HAVE USED THEIR TONGUES TO DEGRADE THY LORD AND HAVE SENT THE FOUL STENCH OF SATAN INTO MY TOWNHOME! LORD, SET THEM ON THE ROAD OF FORGIVENESS FOR THEY MAY PRAY FOR ABSOLUTION IN THE BOWELS OF THE FIRERY PIT THAT THEY HAVE DUG BELOW THEIR BEDROOM -"

"We could come back later?"

"Yeah, that might be best. I'm going to take some Advil and see how it goes. I'm really sorry about this."

"That's OK, my dad had a bout of Baptist about a week ago, was in bed for days. Get some sleep and stay away from the TV. I'll call you later."

"SINNERS!"

"See ya."