I Wish I Was A Capital Letter

I’d Rather Play with My Balls Then Have another Friend



So, I keep meeting people.

It’s not my fault.

Look, I have these friends that I’ve had for years. They’re great, but the problem is they keeping meeting other people that I have to meet.

So, I pretend to meet them – tell them what I do, make a joke, and help them to the bathroom at some party where they don’t know anyone.

From there, I could give a fuck.

In fact, everyone new that I meet is just a road bump in the way of going over to a friend’s house and sitting on their couch, drinking their beer, and farting noisily.

The only time I want to meet new people is if I can get them to fuck me for an extended period of time (girlfriend) or employ me for an extended period of time (boss).

Beyond that, I already have friends.

I have, like, ten.

That’s enough.

But, these ten people keep bringing others into the mix that I have to like for a year and up to the end of my life.

Fuck them.

I’m tired of them.

I don’t like any of these people. They annoy me.

If I met them back when I was younger than 18 and in my “make friends” mode, maybe I’d like them.

But, no, I hate them. They do everything my old friends do, but they piss me off by not paying dues like my other friends. Sure, if you’re an old friend you can act pompous and make like your opinion is the word of God – but, if you haven’t picked me up from jail in Ellensburg – think again.

I already have a friend who quotes Eddie Murphy every time we build a fire.

I already have a friend who thinks he’s going to fuck every woman in the room even though he hasn’t been laid since Crystal Pepsi.

And, I already have five friends who have kids and lecture me about how mature they are because they are parents.

Look, I’m sure you’re cool and all, but I don’t need this shit.

I pretty much half hate all my existing friends and you’re just reminding me why.

I try my best to be TV SHOW FRIENDS normal: I’ll quit drinking for 45 minutes to stop by a friend’s house to feel like I’m social. I’ll call a friend at 2 in the morning and whine about how my life is all screwed up. And, yes, I’ll borrow money from a friend at lunch in an Arby’s to pay for beer so I won’t be bored that night.

So, there, that’s a friend. Nothing big. I’m not going to spend the day watching the draft with you. I’m not going to go on some road trip with you. And I’m sure as hell not going to talk you out of suicide because most of your friends are as degenerate as me.

No, I will be a friend to you until I meet a chick, then I will disappear for three years and come back when I need to get drunk in front of women in order to think I’ll get laid somehow this way.

With that in mind, the part where I really don’t like my friends and use them to feel normal, I DO NOT NEED NEW FRIENDS!

I cannot make this clearer.

My mission in life was to lead the world into a special time of peace. But, I’ve fucked that up and now I just drink a lot.

So, I need YOU, friend, to give me some sort of grounding on how the rest of the human race works and I’ll try to help you in order to make a last stab at my original mission: I’ll pick you up at the airport on a Tuesday in order to think about how great a person I am since I picked you up and I don’t really like being around you.

So, read the above again and figure out if you should really want to call me to hang out. Because, I only need you in the way a penis needs a vagina for about nine minutes.

Yes, I’m an awful person, but like I said: before all this I was a Jesus Christ figure.

So, you know…shit happens.



Pleace,

Matt