This Is So True It's Lies

UFOs are Eating my Brain


I woke up this morning to an unfortunate sight: beer cans. Beer cans everywhere.

I put two and two together and realized I was hungover.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, well not a ton, that would probably kill me and I didn't die I just realized that I had a huge headache.

I get out of bed and start trying to figure out what I did the previous night. That's when it hits me like a pound of bricks: I got drunk.

See, that's why I had the hangover.

So, I walk to the bathroom and take a couple of Aleve and it hits me like a ton of bricks, no this time it was a ton and I almost died: UFOs were eating my brain.

I wasn't hungover, I was experiencing a headache brought on by nine alien warships simultaneously devouring my brain from the outside. Normally they eat your brain from the inside out, but this was different. These aliens were different. They were eccentric.

See, what they do is they aim these lasers at your head and beam out your brain in small cell clumps and then devour that brain in their alien crafts.

And they douse your brain in Horseradish and it's delicious.

But, back to the aliens. One might think they are totally small – but, they are not. They are huge on their planet – bigger than elephants. But, the way in which they are small enough to fit into their three inch UFOs is that their planet is only a foot in circumference and their elephants are microscopic.

So, you see now how they fit in the tiny UFOs?

Good, I was worried you wouldn't catch on.

My point is that these aliens in their UFOs are tiny only if you're larger than they are.

So, the UFOs are still UFOs at this point because this all occurred this morning before I studied their ways and culture and determined that they were, get this: SPACE PEOPLE FROM A TINY PLANET!!!!!

If you want to know how tiny their planet is, go up like three paragraphs.

So, I'm looking at the UFOs devouring my brain (with horseradish sauce) and it hits me like a bag of sand that's not very big at all: there's beer cans all over the bathroom.

I start thinking: how did I drink this much beer?

Then it hits me like a cat that someone lit on fire and threw at me: the aliens were drinking beer with me and I probably told them they could eat my brain in the morning if they got hungry and if I was out of eggs.

I tell all my guests this. But, I'm joking. In truth, I really wouldn't want anyone to eat my brains cuz then I wouldn't be able to think that well.

And then I wouldn't be able to tell you HOW I BATTLED THE UFOS!!!!

K, so, now I've figured out that the aliens were eating my brains and drinking my beer.

Diagnosis: the aliens were freeloaders and I should battle them.

This diagnosis hit me like a flaming cat, but I didn't want to write that cuz I already used that one and it would look stupid.

So, I began the battle: I quickly jerked both arms up around my head and began waving them and patting my head hard.

I annihilated the entire UFO army.

They dropped all around me like flaming cats.

That's when I studied their ways and culture and found really tiny maps that said their home planet was a foot in circumference.

Man, I had a really interesting morning.

After that nothing really happened.

But, man: UFOs eating my brains – how often does that happen?

Oh, brother!