Identithon

The Terrorists are Dumbheads



Hello. It's not often that we do interviews on Larrington, but after last week I found it hard to ignore the fact that terrorists are dumbheads.

That's why I tracked a terrorist down in the mall today and interviewed him.

I found out a lot about the terrorist psyche and what makes it tick.

Like, for instance, did you know that all terrorists don't hate America? That some are not Islamic? That many have never committed a crime in their lives?

Well, I've transcribed the interview below. Please pass this on so that we can all be more vigilant in the future.



Levi: Hello, terrorist.

Terrorist Michael Jones: What?

Levi: Terrorist, hello.

Terrorist Michael Jones: Buddy, did you just call me a terrorist?

Levi: You bet I did, terrorist.

Terrorist Michael Jones: What the fuck? I should kick your ass.

Levi: What's your name, terrorist?

Terrorist Michael Jones: Michael Jones, fuckface, what's yours?

Levi: Wait, let me note your name. Hold on. This could take a second.

Michael Jones (dickhead terrorist): Dude, I don't know what the fuck you're doing, but I'm gonna grab security – wait, is this a joke? Am I on TV?

Levi: It's no joke. This is very grave. You're a terrorist. I spotted you from the Arby's over there.

MJ: And what makes you think I'm a terrorist?

Levi: You're not white.

MJ: Oh, it's on now. You racist fuck!

Levi: Go on; let your aggression come out.

MJ: Man, what the fuck is this? Is this a joke?

Levi: So, why do you hate America?

MJ: I don't hate America. I'm a Marine for Christ's sakes!

Levi: A terrorist Marine.

MJ: Buddy, what – I can't believe this.

Levi: Why did you blow up London?

MJ: What? London? The bus thing?

Levi: Yes, the bus thing.

MJ: This is hilarious.

Levi: No, it's not. Next question: why do you have a regular name?

MJ: A what?

Levi: Michael Jones. It's a regular name.

MJ: And if my name was Akmad, that would be an irregular name?

Levi: Yes.

MJ: I didn't think people like you exist anymore.

Levi: I didn't think terrorists spoke English.

MJ: Then why did you talk to me?

Levi: Touche. You got me there. So, where is your terrorist training camp?

MJ: My what?

Levi: Terrorist training camp. Where is it?

MJ: At your Mom's.

Levi: Are you accusing my mother of being a terrorist?

MJ: No, I'm accusing your mother of not using her right to have an abortion.

Levi: Ha, I knew it! The terrorists are pro-choice!

MJ: I'm out of here.

Levi: Goodbye, terrorist.



And there you have it. I learned a lot:

Terrorists are Marines, Spanish, speak English, and are named Michael Jones. If you ever meet a man or woman matching this description, make sure and contact your local authorities.