Other Things That Happened On 911

Falling Through the Cracks: September 11, 2001 News Archived

Sanitation and Industry: What leading cheese makers of the world don't want you to know.

Wolf Rabid A.P.

In the weeks that followed September 11th, the headlines were grislier than Jeffrey Dahmer in a bear suit. But, the real question is what wasn't reported in that horrendous week?

Well, I'll tell you a lot went on behind the public's back as we were driven to watch hours of endless CNN carnage.

The news stories here aren't any prettier, but, I felt it was my duty as a reporter to go behind the news and find the stories that were eclipsed by the dreadful events of Sept. 11.

September 11:
MCANGRY
In a hair raising scene of all out panic, a New Hampshire McDonalds is attacked by Big Bird.

At approximately 9.10 EST a very inebriated Big Bird entered the beef and chud dispensatory and opened fire on Ronald, Mayor McCheese and various Hamburglers, who were later discovered to be casing the place.

"Oh, it was awful, we were minding our own business, having hashbrowns and breakfast burritos when one of my children, who was getting Ronald's autograph, asked Ronald why Big Bird was here. Well, Ronald looked puzzled, then nervous and said something to the effect of 'he knows.' Well, the next thing you know, Big Bird comes in brandishing a pistol and shouting something about Ronald having relations with Big Bird's wife Grimace. Well, this really threw us off. I mean, we always thought Grimace was a guy. Then we started thinking, maybe he is and Big Bird is a girl....but, then we wondered if they were....well, you know."

Other witnesses said that they heard shots fired and a lot of shouting. By 10 am Ronald Macdonald, Mayor McCheese, and various hamburglars were taken out of the restaurant in stretchers. Conditions are listed as critical.

September 12
Eggs Found to be Deadly
Researchers at a Chicago based health facility announced yesterday that eggs are poisonous and may be eating away at you this very minute. That's right, this may be the most ground breaking news story ever to be published. It seems that for most human beings, the next egg will be your last. "We can only hope that this story gets massive coverage, so that people all over the Earth realize that if they eat just one more egg, they will die a horrible death."

Investigative reporter Wolf Banister assured researchers that his top priority would be to see to it that the world is informed of this horrible finding.

September 13
Wolf Banister Shot and Killed Before he Could Let the Public Know About Toxic Eggs
Wolf Banister, 33, was shot and killed yesterday on his way to CNN headquarters in Atlanta.

Sources say he was killed by other sources that would not say why they killed him, only that it had something to do with the shooting death of Ronald McDonald who died yesterday in a New Hampshire hospital.

September 14
Ronald McDonald Rises from Grave, Demands McNuggets
Early this morning Ronald McDonald rose from his coffin in a New Hampshire morgue to warn the world of the Apocalypse and to devour nine twenty-piece Chicken McNugget meals.

"God's wrath is upon you! Pass the sweet and sour.....what do you mean it's a quarter, I'm Ronald....But I'm not dead anymore."

A CNN poll taken hours ago said that 96% of polls taken are inaccurate.