Brand New Legal Paper and Other Stories

Sober: Beer Money?



Hysteria after a sleepless night; I was sober.

There's something unkind and ungodly about the fact that the first night in a year and a half that I spent sober was also the first night in a year and a half that I couldn't sleep.

What does that teach me?

With no money, I planned a day of checking all bases until somehow money would drop in one of my coffers.

I had a technical communications conference to attend and there's no way I could make three days of it with no sleep and no drugs.

I found solace in the following:

· There was a chance one of my credit cards was holding back on me for suspiciously drawing $22.00 from an omelet house.

· If this one check were to clear, I'm free to try another.

· Sell CDs.

It ended up ugly; I sold Bowie, Daft Punk, DJ Shadow, and the Very Best of Michael Bolton for a 12-pack of Bud and two packs of Marbs.

But, oh brothers and sisters, it was worth it; I'm drunk.



The Most Yarmulkes in Seattle


Like I said, I was attending a conference.

It was the yearly gathering of technical communicators (read: nerds and three hot chicks that have been blowing the boss) from around the world.

So, Seattle was brimming with the every type of nerd of the world.

Moving right along, Seattle is not known for its Jewish population.

As a Jew, I was surprised to see something in Seattle I haven't seen in....since Thanksgiving in Chicago – yarmulkes!

These are amazingly small hats created, economically, to heat only the most wasteful portion of the head.

Oh, and for religious reasons we won't go into here.

I felt like I was a part of a pilgrimage to my homeland, with my fellow brothers.

Only this pilgrimage was to a conference center and some woman in a neon jumpsuit would speak the good word.

We carried PowerPoint as our tablets, we walked the escalators like mountains, we stomped the technical terra like – OK, I'm not really Jewish, but I did fantasize that I was.

Anyway, the point is – yarmulkes are hard to spell.



Free Bag and Umbrella


It's true.

I got a free travel bag to carry all my technical communicator shit and an umbrella.

I guess they give the umbrella out because everybody thinks it rains in Seattle all the time.

Oh, plus it was raining.

I have no need for umbrellas. When you live in Seattle, it's like wearing Kevlar in Iraq – you're still going to get hit.

Yes, rain kills. Just ask Noah.

It's a little known fact that Noah lived in Seattle and Mt. Ararat is really Mt. Rainier.

Look it up if you don't believe me.

Anyway, I have a free umbrella and you don't.



Ugly Jacket


The main speaker for the conference was wearing an ugly jacket.

It was neon blue with neon pink and red zigzags on it.

It looked like someone had puked 1986 on her.

My associate and I both agreed Big Red must have been envious.

So, to sum up topic4: this one chick was wearing a really ugly jacket.

Read more at www.uglyjacket.com.

Actually, I'm joking. That's Laura Bush's personal website.



Slade Gorton


When your name is Slade is there anything else in this world that you can do besides not take shit from mo-fos?

Yes, ex-Senator Slade Gorton accepted the "Best Technical Document" award on behalf of the authors of the 9/11 Commission's report.

When you think about 9/11, that's like King James getting the "Best Period Use" award for the Bible.

Anyway, he was a class act and left in 30 seconds flat.

Slade.

I just wanted to write his name again.

Slade.

And again.

My boss showed up late. She's a Republican and called him "Slicky Slade."

Then she said something about him being a Democrat. I corrected her – he's a Republican – and she looked puzzled, like she wanted to take the comment back. I think Republicans think all Democrats are slick.

This is probably because Republicans are inbred children-eaters.

It's true.



Finished Magazine


After the introduction by Slade and the Magic Marker, I reclused myself to a bench to read a New Yorker I hadn't opened since 2004. After three minutes, I realized I was on the last page.

So much for killing time.



Arrest and Heart Attack


During the first three hours of the conference there was one arrest and one heart attack outside the convention center.

Who says technical writers don't live fulfilling lives?



Free Lunch


Pepsi

Omelet

Hash browns w/green onions, bacon, and cheddar

Sourdough wedges

Coffee

And it was delicious.



HotChick Sit in the Way


This beautiful woman from Michigan sat next to me.

She even offered me extra syllabi.

Then this other woman sat between us.

Like I would've had the courage anyway...



Sleeping Guy Dropping Papers


Every other slide on the projector this guy would nod off and all the papers in his hand would slip down onto the ground.

I think he was a necrophilia...err, narcoleptic – what's the diff?



Diagramming Sentences Makes an Ass out of You and Me


It's true.



Buy my Shit!


In the diagramming class, the teacher made sure that we bought JOSEPH MOUTOUX'S book with every breath.

JOSEPH MOUTOUX had been diagramming sentences since Abe Lincoln was clean-shaven and if you don't watch out he'll diagram your life.

ORDER NOW! $12.50 (USD).



Comment Lady


C'mon.

It's a seminar – you know what I'm talkin' bout.

Plus, I'm too drunk now to care.

Thank you, David Bowie.



The Fight of Your Life Begins and Ends with Fucking Modifiers


For years, millennia, people have been fighting over modifiers.

This battle reached its apex in my seminar with this one lady and the teacher.

Seriously, arguing with a teacher is like ordering your genitals to orgasm.



Pleace,

Mattra