FUCK IT! NOW I DON'T WANT TO GO!

Letters to the Editor

Dear Levi,
Recently I acquired a large track of land near Duluth and I'm wondering how you feel about stem cell research?

Track of Cells
Duluth

Track of Cells,
I feel that stem cell research is a good thing and that the science fiction department of the religious right wants to bring it down so that they can prove that their super hero in the sky is the only thing that can create organisms.

Dear Levi,
A friend of mine is trying to get me to try marijuana. I'm only 15 and I feel that reality TV sucks much ass. How do you feel?

Stoned on Reality
Toledo

Stoned on Reality,
Reality TV is fucking stupid, stupid, stupid. Don't ever watch it. Tell your friends not to watch. Only retards and Republicans watch reality TV.

Dear Levi,
My mother is trying her darndest to stop my wedding. I think it's because I'm marrying a Samoan. I'm an African American and my mother believes that mixing the races is bad news and that pony tails on men are for ego-bloated, white, hippy fags.

Marrying a Pony Tail
Seattle

Dear Marrying a Pony Tail,
Pony tails are for hippy degenerates who are not only bloated in the ego, they are also social degenerates that should be castrated and lynched. If you ever see a man with a pony tail shoot him.

Dear Levi,
I recently lost my husband in a car crash and I'm feeling very depressed. Sometimes, I think about killing myself. I feel like it's the only way out and that second hand smoke is a myth. What do you think?

Dead Smoking Wife
Chicago

Dear Dead Smoking Wife,
Second hand smoking may NOT be a myth. But, it pales in comparison to the toxins you find coming out of non-smoking, SUV driving, soccer mom, PTA, degenerate, hippy, scum balls' cars that should be hunted for sport. If you're gonna ban smokes, ban cars. And while we're at it, what about alcohol? I don't see 16-year-old cretins throwing diseased livers at alcohol manufacturers. Not only that, but I have never seen someone smoke a cigarette and take out a group of children with their SUV or beat a man unconscious. Second hand smoking bullshit – I've had it up to here (hand over head). Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Christ, I hate that shit. Anyway....

Dear Levi,
As a child of divorce, I find it hard to choose between people. But, I've gotten myself in quite a pickle. I've been dating these two women for three weeks and both want me to make a choice and settle down with one or the other. What complicates matters is that water coloring in art sucks ass. What should I do?

Child of Water Coloring
Memphis

Dear Child of Water Coloring,
Water coloring does suck ass and should only be done by chimpanzees or children. Blotting soiled paper should only be done when you find you've accidentally pissed on some hot chick's phone number while drunk in a nudy club. Fuck water coloring – strictly for the birds. Oil and pastel is where it's at. Check me!

Dear Levi,
For years now, I have lived with a small penis. My wife would like to leave me, but because of my high profile job she won't. I still love her and would like to get an operation, but because of my high profile job, I cannot do that either. Also, I vacationed while a group of heathens were getting ready to ride planes into buildings and started a war that is now beyond my comprehension. What should I do?

Small Penis Chicken Hawk
Crawford

Dear Small Penis Chicken Hawk,
Buy your wife a vibrator and, for the love of gawd, quit your job.

If you have a letter you would like published, send your queries to tape4dispence@yahoo.com
-Ed