Krauting

Opinion: Mandatory Breeding Laws

By: Charles Kraut

Recently (five minutes ago) I was eating a hotdog at Costco when I realized two things: I really like onions flavored with mustard and kids are fucking intolerable.
Two bites into the hot link I hear the squealing- troglodyte banter of a five-year-old tight rope walking a bench beside me.
Oh, he seemed to be having the time of his life, laughing and giggling and playing grab ass with his partner.
Just what's so fucking funny to these kids? Is it me, eating a hotdog and having to go back to work? Does the whole idea that he gets to run and jump and sing and play all the live long day while I have to work inspire shrieks of mewling, shrieking laughter?
I bet it does.
Do children think they can get away with this? I don't think society would permit me to laugh and giggle at the homeless because I have a job and they don't. So, why the hell should I put up with this crap, huh?
Right.
So, when I banked the hotdog off the little shit's head, in a brilliant shot that nailed his sister on the rebound, it was amazement that I experienced as some mutt had the nerve to back hand me across the face.
As I looked around at the endless sea of homemakers punching food into their faces, I realized no one was on my side. There's nothing pretty about PTA mothers giving you a look like you're one of their shit children with his hand in the cookie jar.
I quickly fled.
Now, I realize that the majority is against me and I should spread the word: there are far too many children in the world and people need to stop making them.
Look around you the next time you're...anywhere: FUCKING CHILDREN!
Who needs em'.
Hell, you could solve 80% of the world's problems if people stopped breeding for a good 20 years.
Everyone would have a job, less people to fuck up the ozone, more food for the hungry; hell, we could start importing starving Ethiopians to fill any work needs.
Most of my friends have children these days. I don't know why. I don't think most of them meant to. Sure, they'll tell you that they love them and send you pictures and stuff; but, you know what they're really thinking: Holy shit! I have fucked up my life beyond all belief.
But, you know what, asshole? You're fucking mine up to. Oh, you want me to feel sorry for you for having kids and having to stay in on weekends and play tea party and such while I'm out drinking and driving go-carts with hot models and – well, that's not entirely true, but you get me on this, right? Well, I have no sympathy for you. Your little shit is going to be eating up my taxes in no time and making me wait in line at a fucking Starbucks as they keep changing their fucking order for cookies or candy or whatever the fuck these little cretins eat.
Sympathy? Hooey!
Way to have sex for the intended purpose, you asshole.
Christ, have you heard of a condom?
I think everyone should be sterilized for twenty years, solving the worlds problems.
Kids – who needs em.

- Charles