Your Father, The Plumber

Complaint Department, Levico.

Dear sirs,
I recently bought an X3-2/004 Dead Prostitute from you company and was disheartened to find that she was still breathing.
I have been a frequent customer and loyal consumer to your company and have purchased many items from your catalogue.
Last month, I had written to inform you that the Model 4 Chicken Carcass I purchased was, in fact, a beaver with a tortoise attached to it's back. I found your support staff very understanding and a Model 4 Chicken Carcass was sent to my home overnight.
I implore you to correct this matter, as you corrected the Model 4, with the utmost speed and understanding.
Thank you,
Scott McCarron

To: Levico.
From: Chris Weisberg

I just wanted to drop a line and let you know that your Gayanator 3000 has worked magically.
I am a young man, in a very serious relationship, and I was struggling with my thoughts of anal sex with men for many years.
It was with great wonder, that I came upon your ad in Levico.'s Spring catalogue.
Promising to relieve me from my homosexual thoughts, and coming with a money-back guarantee, I knew I couldn't go wrong.
After inserting the device into my eardrum and cranking the Gayanator sprocket assembly, I found myself wanting the poon-tang that I had forsaken, so long ago.
Thank you Gayanator, thank you Levico.

Sincerely,
-C

Gradual Helmet Modification of the Elderly Man I Met on the Elevator
Or
Top Ten Song Titles Journey Rejected

10. So Close to Butter, So Far Away from Spam
9. Grapenuts Will Find You
8. In My Heart, I still Crave Wonderbread
7. Rubbing, Gnawing, Eating Dead Flesh
6. Come Back to Me, and My Goldfish
5. Love is Calling Me (to the Farm)
4. Traveling Alone with Porno

CHRIST! I have writers block or something. I can't think of anything even remotely funny to write about today. Wait –

The Thoughts of Grandpa

Hearty. I really feel that this oatmeal is hearty. (sigh) What to do today? Well, I can feed the ducks, get a hotdog, and then stare blankly at the ocean again?
Nah, maybe I'll take in a movie, something with Tom Hanks. Who the hell is Tom Hanks, again?
Lord, I'm losing it. I used to be able to remember every stop on the L, from Madison to......DAMN!
(sigh) What to do today? Well, I can feed the ducks, get a hotdog, and then stare at the ocean blankly again?
Nah, maybe I'll take in a movie....something with James Cagney. Is he still alive? Was he Irish or black? Why don't I know whether James Cagney was Irish or Black? Does he even exist? Maybe, he's one of my old friends and I have confused my life with a movie?
What to do today? I should go down and feed the ducks. I haven't done that in awhile. There's always that kind boy with the remote control boat who is nice to talk to. Maybe, I'll see if he's down there.
Well, better put my jacket on.
Now, where did I put that jacket? I hope I didn't leave it down at the pond when I was feeding the ducks yesterday....DAMN! I fed the ducks yesterday! Why the hell am I going again?
Why the hell do I ever feed the ducks?
What else can I – the squirrels! Yes, I'll feed the squirrels. I think I have some out back.
Now, where did I put my jacket?

LEVI PRESENTS:

Uday Hussein on.....

Matt's Writer's Block

I was really into athletics. I played football quite well.
I remember this one time, we had tied the goalie up to the goal box and I had these special footballs made that would detonate on collision.
Man, that was a good day, you know?
Oh, but, writer's block, yes, I have had it.
I was writing a letter to my father, expressing my love, when I came upon the most terrific headache. My nose began to bleed and I urinated on myself.
It may have


FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!

I have nothing
NOTHING!

OK, wait.

Rachel is Obsessed with Arsenio

Rachel is obsessed with Arsenio...and Peter Gabriel.

And we all know that's a bad obsession.

I KNOW!

ARNOLD PLEBUS 6.0

Arnold was....he was......on a tricycle in.....where the hell could he......maybe.......NOTRE DAME!
And, then he went and...did....some....stuff......with.........MARS?

This blows.

Go read this.

I suck. I'm no good. I....I.....try.....to......make you all....(nasal noise)....happy....and......OH, I HAVE TO GO (break down).

K, I'm back. Yes, this was a bad day. But, I am a man, and I can take the good with the bad. Like when you order a hotdog and find that there are no onions to put on the hotdog. Man, hotdogs rule.
So, what did we learn today? Basically, that I have no more original material. I should stick to writing travelouges about drunken trips to Portland, but, alas, I have no travel money. That's right! I believe I will go get a DONATE bar from PAYPAL and you can all contribute to my travel fund so that I can tour the US........wait....no, Dave Attell does that. Damn. OK, well, fear not, there are more Art classes left.

Say a prayer for my tired wit,
Matt