Dead Like Me

Excuse Me Ms. – Is this your Douchebag?

Excuse me! Excuse me! Ms.!
Please, wait! I'm sorry. Oh, lord, let me catch my breath.
All right. Whoooo...OK. All better.
Madame, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm afraid you may have left an item on the subway.
I was sitting across from you and I noticed that you are a woman of refined taste. A woman who shops and eats at all the best establishments, a woman of pure blood. Now, I understand that it must be reproachful to talk to a lowly proletariat, like myself, but it's with urgent haste that I bring you this item I believe you left on the subway.
You see, as you left, I noticed the item on the ground, where you had been sitting. And, it occurred to me that it may be yours. Now, far from a sleuth, am I, but I put two and two together and –
Madame! Is this your douchebag!?
Here, I hold it up before you like a prized pig, as I know the bodily fluids mixed with the appropriate cleaners is but nectar in my hand.
Please, don't run from me, for I need to return your precious douchebag.
Madame, thank you. Now then, I will now hand the douchebag over to you and be done with it. It's not my place to make a woman accept such an item, but seeing as you have not denied the ownership, please, let me return this beautiful sack of womanliness to you.
What's that? It's not yours? Oh, heaven for fed! Then, who's douche bag is it?
You don't know?

The plot thickens!
Young lady, would you be so kind as to help me track down the owner? We've all lost douchebags in our day, but this has to be the most magnificent douchebag I have set my eyes on. Look at the golden trim on it! The effervescent aura of womanly bubbles! The silver piping! This, my dear lady, is an extraordinary douchebag!
Errands? You have errands to run? Well, young lady, what errand could be more important than finding the owner of this douchebag?!
I see. Well, I guess I'll be off. Just me and this douchebag. I'm sure someone will claim it. Well, thank you for your efforts on my grand errand.
Dear lady, I shall not forget you.
Onward!