Tits and Treats

More Tips on Writing a Suicide Note

1. Write for a reason: If you're not REALLY going to off yourself, don't waste your time writing a suicide note. Sure, it might be therapeutic, but there's no way you can get into the mindset of a person bent on downing Clorox through feeling sorry for yourself. You're better off writing a self help book.

2. Always make a rough draft: time and time again I see lousy suicide notes that all have one thing in common – no rough or working draft. Think about it – this is your last transmission before you leave this world; don't you think some thought should be put into it? Sketch out your outline and follow with a rough draft. In many cases, good suicide note authors will then devour the rough draft and let their bitter stomach acids devour it poetically.

3. Keep it concise: look, you don't need to recount your life's story. Every one knows why you lost the game of life – we don't need the primer. Look, stick to the three Fs: failure, f-bombs, fragility, and fault. You're not going to find a successful suicide note that starts: Thirty years ago, in Wisconsin I was born to Doug and Mandy Kleppen.

4. Research, research, research! Look, Hemmingway didn't write about bullfighting from just watching Wild Kingdom; if you want to write a descent suicide note, do the research. Visit people that are in pain: the homeless, a children's hospital, or your local DNC branch. Most of the time, it will probably make it so you don't feel you have it that bad. And if that happens, think about the fact that you failed to commit suicide and I'm sure it will get you back into the swing of things. Also, do a Google launch on suicide, rock stars, poets, authors, alcoholics, Kurt Cobain, and so on. You'll find a good amount of info.
Alright, in researching that last tip, I just found that someone else has done this bit. It shouldn't surprise me, but GODDAMN! OK, I'm done.