C'mon Big Corporations - Give Us Our Spring Break!

Many people think Easter is a holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ.
Of course, this is true, but Easter's roots run deeper than that.
Consider the dinosaur. Really, think about him.
Now that your mind is clear, think about this: Easter is in the spring. Just like Christmas is in the winter, Halloween in the fall, and my birthday in the summer. These arch holidays all have one thing in common – they usher in the coming of the new season.
Think about the symbols of Easter – the egg (rebirth), the bunny (promiscuity), and the Cadbury egg (sugar). All of these symbols point to the coming of the next generation of crops. The time when the Earth says, "Hey, here's some food."
Not only that, but it's also the time you pay taxes. Coincidence? Of course not. What's going on is the government is thinking – Passover, Easter, Bunnies…they won't notice a good taxing.
And we don't. We're out busy buying candy and thinking about dinosaurs.
But let's consider the dinosaur.
So, Jesus gets iced and he comes back from the dead. This is very important because no one has done this before, and no one will do it again. So, that's also a good reason for a holiday. But that holiday should be different than the regular Easter. It should be a total bummer on Good Friday. Like everyone goes around egging people's houses and toilet papering their trees; and then on Sunday, everyone goes around and cleans it up. That would make more sense. I'm sure you can think of some better ideas, but you see where I'm going with this.
But let's consider the dinosaur.
Now, Passover is not the Jewish equivalent of Easter. So get that out of your head. Passover is the time when Jews recall how God spared them while killing all the Egyptians. Imagine, you are part of this secret club and God goes "Hey, dudes, I'm gonna wipe out everyone but you – isn't that sweet?" So you can see why the Jews find this cool. They commemorate this by eating unleavened bread (nachos). What kind of cool religion gets nachos on a holiday? I mean, the chocolate is cool and all, but hey Jews – sign me up!
But let's consider the dinosaur.
So, now you have the Muslims (because we know that only three religions really count according to CNN). They have Mohammad's birthday on March 9 (well, this year). It's called Mawlid an-Nabi. I have no idea what they do on this day, but if they don't like him being depicted in art, it's probably not all that festive. However, it is a birthday, so that's kinda cool.
But let's consider the dinosaur.
So, what am I driving at? I'm driving at the need for four separate holidays: one for Spring, one for Jesus, one for God exterminating Egyptians, and one for Mohammad's bday. Now, you throw in Good Friday and you get a week off.
In this nation we have too diverse a culture to not let everyone celebrate everyone's holiday. Jews should be able to get their Jesus on. Christians should be able to throw back some Mani…Menes…Manneshevitz (thanks Google). And Muslims should be able to eat some Cadbury eggs.
Sure, some people (big corporations) would like to deprive us of this week off. But wasn't God like a big corporation? Wasn't his people – Jew, Muslim, or Gentile – just his employees? Wasn't his holidays (killing and birthing) just employee appreciation? I think that corporations need to get off their butts and quit acting like kings and more like Gods.
That's just what I'm saying.
But consider the dinosaur. He had fuckall for holidays. That's why he died. The human race cannot succumb to such a fate.