Post Its Presents: The Torture Memos

To:
From:
RE: Torture

9/30/03

Johnny down here in D489. Just got done torturing 384. Don't let anyone read this memo, but we fed him Arby's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He enjoyed it at first, but then the food began torturing him. He didn't seem to mind the Smashing Pumpkins we had piped in, but Agent 33 had to leave the room and vomit. Man, that was some badass torturing. Again, don't let anyone read this memo. I don't even know why I'm writing it. Oh, brother!

10/30/03

Hey, thought I'd write you another memo about the torturing we got going on down here. Halloween is tomorrow so we took out that movie Pumpkinhead and played it all day for 384. He was upset, but he didn't really seem totally tortured. I played Gameboy most of the time. The movie was a lot tamer than I thought. I had a nightmare I got impaled by a shotgun! But, other than that, Pumpkinhead was a lousy excuse for torture. We could go back to normal stuff like toenail hanging, but I'm still thinking that these newer forms of torture will pan out. Plus, it's part of my 04 Smart Goal for Central. If I blow this I'm gonna be back in the field. Anyway, burn this torture memo after you read it. It was probably a bad idea to post it on your computer with a post it – OK running out of room

11/14/03

OK, this by far is my best torture. So, what we did is we maxed out his bank account and then told him we'd give him 1000 dollars of overdraft protection. Then we told him he needed to buy his meals for the rest of the month. This was back in October. Well, he continued to buy as he needed and then at the very end of the month, today, we blew all his 25$ overdraft fees all over the cell with a fan. It was so fucked up! There was a cheeseburger that cost him 28 bucks – oh, and a tube of toothpaste that ran him 27. This was VERY effective. We got the location of a small arms dealer that I have included in the second post it note under this one. I hope you understand why I'm now putting my memos on the underside of your keyboard. This torturing business must be kept on the DL. Hope this finds you well and you remember to burn this up or shred it. Maybe just eat it.

11/30/03

So, I'm thinking about stopping writing all these memos. I mean, I totally don't want to get caught torturing people. But then again, I feel you should be filled in on what's up down in the world of torture and all. I know we don't know each other that well, but you're pretty hot and I thought love notes were kinda gay. Speaking of gay, Agent 28 is. I just now found this out. This could probably complicate his whole deal, and put him in jeopardy, so pour some grape juice on this particular torture memo before you send it through the shredder. Agent 28 is a family man and it would ruin his attempt at higher office. Oh, plus we've been shipping a bunch of coke from the AFB to Castro. PEACE!

12/15/03

I'm totally on track for my Smart Goal. I have implemented 87 new torture methods. Like the one today. We are currently working on a self checkout line for the prisoners during chowtime. Well, we first put 384 in line behind 45 prisoners who had no idea how to use the system, then once he got to the front, we made him help the other prisoners learn how to use the system. After hours of aggravation, followed by around 4 fights, the prisoner gave up the whole 911 plot. BTW: Bush was totally in on it. I probably shouldn't IM this, but whatever. I'm on vacation for the next two weeks! Just delete and then delete all your DELETE RECOVERED. I think it's in TOOLS. You'll have to check, I'm IMing on my cellular phone. I probably shouldn't be. Well, lesson learned.

1/30/04

Torturing is a bitch sometimes. Apparently, we can't use any of that Bush pulled the 911 trigger stuff. So now we have to torture him into believing otherwise. We had him watch a 2 year old for a weekend, but that did no good. Then we showed him all the Kubrick movies, explained how intricate and masterful they were, then we popped in AI. This worked. 384 has changed his story. However, I've been implicated and may face some time. Please send this memo to the media or something. Also, if you decided not to burn all the other memos that would be rad. You can FedEx them to the media or something. Get that Woodard and Bernstein Bear guy. Also, I love you.

4/30/04

What up? I'm being totally tortured. I'm in a cell and they are letting me continue my correspondence, but I have to use an old Texas Instruments computer's email option. Each line I write I have to send separately using code, and it's so far taken about 3 days to write this. How are you? I would write more, but I may be getting released by the time I finish this. Nope.

5/23/09

It's been far too long! After nine hours of Smashing Pumpkins and Arby's I have given you up Ms. Rice. Please don't hate me. I guess it was mainly watching that one poet lady at the inauguration. I was projectile vomitting most of the month. Then the shitty food and music, and now they seem to be creating a makeshift airport security line that I imagine I'll have to go through in order to use the restroom, and if I pee my pants I'll probably be forced to go to the back of the line. After five years I have a pretty good idea what they are up to. Like, for instance, if I see a box set coming out for Chris Cornell's solo career I'm probably gonna have to listen to it. And that happened. And there were two discs of demos and covers. And then those were all remixed by Timbaland. And then sung by Clay Aiken. Then Simon Cowell came in and judged my entire life so far. This was Christmas 08 I think. Don't know. Anyway. Last letter as I am going to slit my wrists with that CD Hole came out with after Live Through This which they play at 9 every night. Again, all my best.