Nine Stories...About Apes

8

Have you ever wanted to punch a man so badly that you just punch yourself in the face because you're too lazy to go find the guy? That just now happened. I've never been so angry at that guy in my life. Especially after I punched myself in the face because of him.

4

I know what you're thinking: this is gonna have something to do with aliens, time travel, or robots. It's not. Those are too popular of targets for this essay on Margaret Thatcher.

9

Sometimes I blow my own mind. Like the other day I was walking home and I thought what if I walked this way, and then instead of walking that way, I walked another way, so I purposely disobeyed my own free will. Which was cool. But then I started thinking, what if I really was just obeying my free will, but through in that weird move to make it seem like I have a headache.

7

There's a lot of debate about religion in the world today. A lot of people don't believe this thing and a lot of people only believe the other thing. I think that this is good and I encourage the debate. But sometimes it can get out of hand. Just the other day I encouraged some debate by asking a saleswoman if she believed in God. Well, she said it was none of my business. So, I told her that I didn't believe in God to make it all better, so she knew I wasn't trying to push God on her. But then she got even more offended because she really did believe in God, but just didn't want to discuss it with me. So then I accused her of being ashamed of her God. Then she accused me of harassment. Then the store security accused me of harassment. Then they all found out I was shoplifting the whole time. Oh, brother!

1

Imagine watching an alien being attacked by a lion. I'll bet you've never imagined that. I'm talking about the bulb headed white aliens.
What's even harder to imagine is what the alien would be thinking? They've probed so many humans that have given little to no fight, so when this giant mammal attacks them they must be taken completely off guard. And the violence…Well, that's all I know about Africa.

6

They say the best way to figure out if something is male or female is to turn it over. That's just not the case with humans. We walk upright. So, really to find out if a person is male or female you just need to walk right up to it. Of course we wear clothing, so you would have to take that off first. But if you get that far, you might as well have sex with whatever it is. I'm just saying.

5

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I did get my car washed at a Brown Bear. How could you tell? Well thank you. Anyway, enjoy the movie.

2

It's true that the Chinese first invented spaghetti, but did you know what for? Mops. It turns out that the ancient Chinese found it offensive to ever actually eat the noodles. Then this dirty European came over and was destitute. One day he saw this Chinese woman mopping the floor and noticed that there were large chunks of tomatoes and spices that were being collected in the mop. So, when she wasn't looking, he ate the mop and called it spaghetti. So you can see why I could never write about how great Marco Polo was, because he was kind of a bum.

3

Many people think they know a lot about driving, but did you know this: the fuel it uses is actually ancient seaweed. I bet a lot of gearheads would be less prone to polluting the ocean if they knew that the ocean sustained the very nutrients that their cars need. If not now, eventually. Which begs for another question: if they can make fake diamonds, why can't they make fake oil? Do you get what I'm saying here? It takes eons to make a diamond out of coal, but they can put it in a time machine and make a cubi…a zirconian….that thing. So why not the same with oil?