I Just Found Out DP Means Disabled Person And Not What I Thought Before I Got Punched

If The Internet Was Real Life

Cory walked into the convenience store. "Soft ball seasons starts tonight." He said to the clerk.
"Excuse me?"
Cory walked on. As he made his way to the cooler he paused and stopped in front of a man browsing the potato chip rack. "At the 7-11."
"What?"
Cory got some beer and began walking back to the cashier. Upon passing a woman, he paused and blurted out "BREAKING: SWINE FLU CATCHING ON IN THE STATES!" The woman panicked and dropped a bottle of Evian.
When he reached the counter, Cory blurted again to the cashier "ASK REDDIT: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SONG TO DREAM TO?"
"Get out." The cashier looked at Cory and then gestured to the door.
As Cory left "DIGG THIS: TRENT REZNOR RELEASES SOLO PROJECT FOR FREE!"

Yeah, They're Swim Trunks

So, I'm walking down the street the other day and all these cars are honking at me. So, I get out of the road and onto the sidewalk and this chump comes up to me and goes "Are those swim trunks, dude?" And then he laughs to his friend.
"Yeah, they're swim trunks." I said. "You want to make something of it?"
Then they kinda looked at me and then I started walking in the middle of the road again and then they were kinda scared because who in their right mind walks in the middle of the road. But, you see, I had a secret: I was way drunk.

It's Been Awhile Since I Wrote About Dinosaurs

Someone once said that the difference between men and women is that men like robots and dinosaurs. I think that's true. But does it mean writing about dinosaurs or robots is hackneyed crap?
Of course it does, that's why this time I'm going to write about guys who write about robots and dinosaurs.

The Writing Project

Stan and Bill were shooting the breeze in the offices of their studio where they wrote movies.
Stan had an idea about this robot movie about robots.
Bill had a similar idea, but about dinosaurs.
That's when they got the idea for

Robots V. Dinosaurs

It's the year 28934 and man has long since been wiped out by sun spots that got all mad big in the year 29489 and went back in time to kill man.
Yet, one man still lives as he traveled forward in time from the year 1996. Will Smith is probably that man, but it could be that dude from that shitty movie Crank.
That man finds a world left to the robots. But the robots have a problem: dinosaurs that were cloned in the year 30000000 and also sent back in time to the year 28934. No one knows who cloned them, so if you're gonna crack wise, do it on your own time, cuz I'm not thinking that up.
OK, wait, so mammoths cloned them. Because they were lonely. But humans cloned the mammoths first, back in 2045, then sent them forward in time because mammoths reek. OK, this is more of a mammoth project.
Bill, let's think about this.

Wait – Let Me Think About It

Have you had a "Wait – let me think about it" moment? It's when you accept an offer at face value and then you realize you're pretty bad at decisions, and even though the giant pig mascot with the bowl of free candy seems like he doesn't mean any harm, and even though you hired him for the kid's party – you'd better think on this one.

Swine Flu Is For Suckers

There's two schools of thought: it was engineered to kill us all for the N.W.O. or it's just another scare tactic by the N.W.O. to help them sell drugs and panic the populace into letting them create FEMA camps to enslave us.
Basically, it's a lose-lose situation.
Unless you roll with the punches and don't believe the hype – right now I have a fever, I don’t feel like eating, I'm tired, I have a runny nose, I'm vomiting – but as long as I keep drinking I can psyche myself into believing this is alcohol related and not succumb to the N.W.O.'s plan to take my turtle.
Read more in my new book: Things I Know.

If You Got This Far

I would like to hear from you. Please just leave a "4" in the comments and I'll know that this was worthwhile.

I Don't Like To Brag

In fact, I purposely tell people bad things. Like when I had crabs. I would talk about it freely, so that the next time I bragged about something cool I could say "Hey, wait Stan, you didn't call me a braggart when I told you I had crabs."
Then Stan reminded me that I told him I got them from his wife. Then I realized I was bragging.

Stan's Wife Doesn't Really Have Crabs

But I did sleep with her.

So I Started the Twitterings

I recently started to Tweet or Twitter or whatever. It's OK so far. Rob Corddry told me he had no idea what I was talking about when I made a comment to him about something.
That was kinda the mission. I mean I have Facebook for friends, but Twitter is all about getting attention from celebrities. I'm very in to it now. But if I don't confuse another celebrity in the next week or so I'll probably quit. That's how I roll.