2004

2004: the year we make contact...like a truck hitting a brick wall at 90

What can I say? 2004....you dirty bastard. If 2004 were an old man walking with a cane, ushering in baby 2005, I would beat him wickedly with a baseball bat.
What do we have to say for ourselves? Well, let's look back and usher in a collective sigh, like a grandmother finding out that her grandson has stolen her Buick and run it into a liquor store.
Look, according to the election, there's a good chance that around 50 percent of you are Republicans.
Sike! Most Republicans don't know how to read.
Just joking. Obviously, judging by my work, there's a chance most Democrats don't know how to write.
So, there – I have evened it out so I can keep that one Republican fan I have in Davenworth, Wisconsin.
All in all, no matter who you voted for, it was a shitty election.
Think about it: the biggest problem with our government is the two party system, and just like most of you, I was all for one or the other. So, once again we all lost.
Not only that, but our country remains as divided as it was in 2000 and this is after the big USA! USA! USA! orgy after 911. Even in our most patriotic moments we still remain divided.
Which could be a good thing.
But, there are a lot of sour grapes and even more "political capital" mongers that are going to turn this country in a severe right turn that will even make Buchanan wince.
Maybe something a lot of us can agree on is if the religious nut bags (yes, I will write them off as such) swayed this election there is a good chance a year from now this blog will be some sort of mouthpiece for the ghost of Jerry Falwell.
Look, I'll come halfway with you Republicans on everything but the bible thumping. If you guys get a candidate that is bible-thump free, I'll vote for him.
Well, that's about it on the election front. Trust me, I hate George Bush, but hatred doesn't win elections. Just ask Goldwater.
Well, he's dead, but I'm sure you can summon him using a OUJI board and a daisy.
What else?
Iraq. Well, there's nothing funny about that. This year has seen the most brutal fighting since we pulled those strippers off the USO float in Apocalypse Now. Every day there's another 29 killed in a roadside bombing. In fact, if you check out CNN.com the headline 29 dead in Iraq is part of the title: CNN: 29 dead in Iraq.
It's grim and getting grimmer. And, to tell you the truth, if any one has an idea on ending this thing you're one step ahead of me.
Well, there is the idea of taking a time machine and making sure that the Supreme Court didn't elect Bush in the first place...but, I think Michael J. Fox has a monopoly on that sort of thing.
What else?
The FCC. The FCC has turned ugly. Accept it. Why? Who knows. I have a pet conspiracy theory that Michael Powell is a power monger and rigged that whole Janet Jackson thing so that he could be someone. Other than his father.
Boy, there's a family: the Powells. Remember when Colin was that big, lovable Teddy Bear? Now he's a pathetic house boy and his son is some sort of Orwellian librarian making unwords in his sarcophagus in Washington...or wherever the FCC's secret island fortress is. Yes, Michael Powell is a creep the likes of which we haven't seen since rats tumbled from the S.S. Nixon.
What a bastiche.
Then there was the mountain. Mt. Saint Helens....you bitch!
Yes, my great state has produced one of the most famous volcanoes since that one in the King Kong movie. St. Helens – mistress of lava, whore of the Cascades, temptress of Harry Truman. She awoke again!
And is still awake. Her lava dome is being built at the speed of Dennis Miller's vocabulary. Every day more steam and hot magma reach the surface and tempt fate. What fate? Well, according to geologists around the world – expect an eruption that may haze up the sky for, oh, say twelve minutes.
What a jip.
Moving right along...THE HURRICANES THAT KILLED NO ONE.
Now, I'm pretty sure they must have killed someone. Not that that's good....well, it could be depending on the person.
But, the damn things were trumped up to be the Seventh Sign and for weeks we waited for them to tear Mickey Mouse a new one down in Florida. Sure, they ruined homes and businesses (including my Aunt's), but where was the carnage? I really expected to see live shots of people's faces turning into mustard as they hit telephone polls at 60 mph.
What the hell?
And then sober reality hit us. Yes, starting last Saturday (PST), death and catastrophe will no longer be funny. Well, until we all collectively forget.
115,000 people dead. Wait, let me Google something.......OK, the last worst thing to hit this world was Bangladesh, 1991: tsunami (138,000 dead).
Good lord, check out this website: http://www.scaruffi.com/politics/disaster.html.
Man, apparently what kills us bastiches the most is those damn flu pandemics that they keep threatening us with on CNN. The flu is probably a shitty way to die. I haven't had the flu in a long time, but I remember it wasn't a lot of fun.
Look, the point is everyone can agree that 115, 000 dead people is not good. Well, unless you're bombing them, then I guess some people might argue that it will stop Communism or the production of weapons of mass destruction. But, the point is: when God does it, there's no excuse. And there isn't.
Tree and leaf.
So, 2004, you old bastiche, rot.
There's a lot of other things that happened in 2004, but I'm lazy and I'm not here to give you the news. No, there's hundreds of corporations that are doing that for you. A pharmaceutical company will return with the weather.
Stay tuned.
Personally, I found the beginning of 2004 to suck, but the end to be fun. Hell, I got laid.
But, this year is not about me. No, it's about the things that are around me and how they might effect me.
And the effect of the events is that I'm pretty sure that Government is about as logical as a natural disaster.
But, more destructive.
Well, I'm done for the year. More reruns will follow. I'm having a party tomorrow, stop on by. I promise cocktail sauce.

2004 – one dirty year.

Pleace,
Matt