Have a Good One

Critiquing Emails

Let's start with one from a woman in the Hardware Department.

Thank you both!!

What's this? Thank us both? Who are you thanking? I guess you just expect me to look in the address bar of the email to figure out who you are thanking? Could you be thanking some other group of two, and just wanted to share your thanking with me?

Garbage

Please join me in welcoming NAMEWITHELD to E-commerce Infrastructure, where he will work as Infrastructure Specialist for website operations. NAMEWITHELD comes to E-commerce by way of Microsystems Support where he excelled in his role as Client Integration Specialist and, previously, Support Technician.

Why the hell do I get sent these damn things? Why lord? Every time we hire someone new, I get this welcome email – like I could give a shit. I guess it would be pretty RAD if they only sent emails about new women and included measurements and stuff. But, then again, I still don't know measurements worth a shit. 34-13-98 would sound kosher to me, for all I know. But, a picture would be cool. And it could say if the woman is single and give turn offs and turn ons and whether she gives head...etc.....Anyway

Here's one from Comcast:

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL. THIS E-MAIL ADDRESS IS USED BY COMCAST AUTOMATED SYSTEMS AND IS NOT MONITORED.Dear LEVI,Your Aug 23, 2004 Comcast billing statement is ready for viewing. To view your bill, go to http://www.comcast.com/payonline . Enter your User Name and Password, and from the next screen select GO from the VIEW YOUR BILL option.You had me at "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY."

Where the hell does anyone get off sending you an email saying "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY?" I think I'm going to write "PLEASE DO NOT CASH" on my next check I send to them....late, after my cable has been turned off because I spent the money on the new 12-34-34 woman who started in Accounting today.

Think it might as Gina and Diane are on vacation. Let's talk about it when I stop in on Wednesday.

This is after I asked if it would be a problem if I took Friday off. What a bunch of shit! See, I'm doing work for another department, so now I have to clear my absences with two departments in order to get a day off. Does that not blow walruses? So, pretty much, my whole plan of sitting in an alcoholic stupor on Friday is over. Fucking screwed again!F - - - -

I will if you guys do

Do you see how I didn't mess around with jargon, capitalization, or punctuation? Do you see the art in this? This was in response to my sisters as to whether I would attend the John Kerry rally in Tacoma. I think I made my point very clear.

A+

Here's another sweet email from yours truly:

k

Can you get more concise? I mean, the economy I use with my email could save dozens of milliseconds reading email. This was in response to whether I would go hiking this weekend.

A+

K, here's another garbage one:

Hi Levi, I'm not sure what warehouse this is for. If you could please respond with the corresponding warehouse #, that would be awesome. Thank you!

OK, Fuckface, I'll go ahead and do that. Would that be "awesome?" What a bunch of shit. I forget to do it once, and I get this shit? Oh, sorry, Count, I didn't realize you were so involved in numbers. How about this: 8008. Do you see, Count, it spells BOOB! Because that's what you are, assface! Boy, I'm clever. I hate you and will soon hunt you down and beat you with an abacus, all night long....and into the night.F- - - - - - - - -

Here's another from a pro:

K, sounds good.

I just don't fuck around when it comes to email. Well, that's it for rating the email. I hope you have enjoyed reading the dipshittery that is sent to me on an ongoing basis.