High On Fiber - Get Me?

A capsule edition of the History of Man by George W. Bush

So.

There's this….uh, so….um….God sent Jesus down to immaculate a pregnancy with a…malicious, devious snake and then humanity was born. Right, Karl?

So, man was…humanity was learning how to make fire and getting that lumber and that oil and teaching their children about the ways of the Lord when…um…so…what's this word? Oh, all right, so this abortionist set fire to a bunch of tea and then America was formed. What? No, that's what it says.

America divided into…like 900 or so countries and they called themselves different names. Like Iraq and Afghanistan and Delaware. From there, the Americans sought peace and justice and the criminalization of abortion and medical marijuana and Ritz crackers. But, some people wanted to legalize eating babies and trying to use Boba Fett to turn Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side. These were called liberals.

So, Luke goes to Endor…that's a country where Ewoks and Wookies and those green fellas from Battlestar Galactica live. So, he goes there and he learns from Yoda that Christ died for his sins…and your sins…and Delaware's sins. Hold the phone, there partner, I gotta clear some brush.

Soon, Darth Vader and Boba Fett had tracked Luke down. They wanted Luke to raise taxes and…educrate…educate the youth about numbers and letters and scientific facts…like global warming and gay marriages and piñatas that turn out to be small children and that you've somehow hit'in a couple with your Camaro and it's late, and you've got a couple of tabs of acid in your system and are coming down from a coke high and your dad's the director of the CIA and…Karl, little help?

Sorry 'bout that. Got that Ted Kennedy thing going there for a sec. Alright. So, where were we? K, so this lamb is…wait, wrong book. K, so on Endor the Wookies – magnificent people – learn to fight for themselves with the help of Luke and Teddy Roosevelt's rough riders. So, Luke and the rough riders decide to bring freedom to Endor. But, there's this delegation – Princess Amag…Princess…Natalie Portman and John Kerry and Susan Sarandon…they think that the Boba Fetts…Karl, can you pluralize Boba Fett? Pluralize. See, I'm not so dumb. K, so the Boba Fetts are aligned with the Ted Kennedy and Russ Feingold and Adolf Hitler. It's a real mess for Luke Skywalker and the Ewoks. Luke is a product of the successful Reagan revolution and the Boba Fetts are…they're just always trying to get him mad and stuff. Got it?

Soon, there's a great war with the Boba Fetts and the Wookies and Michael Moore. Michael Moore wants to abort the Wookies and eat their Ewoks. But, the brave Luke finds the courage to stay and fight the battle against Delaware and …shit, I can't figure this out. Is this really what happened? K…K….

Pretty soon, Hong Kong attacked Mexico and World War Two started. No, forget about the Boba Fetts. That didn't happen. That never happened. That was just…revisionist historicals…anyway, so Hong Kong attacked New Mexico and our fearless leader, Ronald Reagan sent them a message: Hey, Hong Kong, don't attack New Mexico…or Delaware. This is still true today when I tell the insurgents – Hey, c'mon, where's the weapons of mass destructions? Calm down, let America gently hold your hand as you tell us how you shot down our towers and helped the Boba Fetts kill Jesus. So, point is: we can't leave Iraq. We need to hunker down for the sake of the Ewoks and Delaware.

Good night, and God bless America.