This Blog Is Totally Blogging My Blog

The Fourth of July"We are full of religion now. Please, everybody bow your heads and pretend to be serious."- IgnotSo, I stayed in on the fourth. Why? Why not. NEW RULE: I won't be going out on New Year's or the Fourth of July – indefinitely. Without a doubt, both of these holidays never live up to expectations. Barring a few times.Of course, there was the New Year's when I lost a grand, or the one in which I got a free ride on the Dinner Train – but, other than that, these holidays blow. And I can't remember one good Fourth of July story. Last year, I was 10 in by five o'clock and spent the evening asking this one chick about her sexual history – which involved a cucumber.Yes, the Fourth has never been good to me. The year before that I was in Toronto for some reason, the year before that I waited for an hour in the cold as my ex had gone to grab the car and had to sit in an hour of traffic from one side of West Seattle to the other.Before that? I think I was on Mercer Island. I'm not sure. The point is, it's a dumb holiday.Well, besides the founding father's stuff and all. God Bless America, etc....What I think it really boils down to is the idea that you're going to have so much fun, since it's an event, and you end up being disappointed.Oh, bother.So, last week I was invited out to Anderson Island. I made the quick decision of going on the 3rd, rather than the fourth. Mainly, because of the above and the fact that I was already in Federal Way helping strangers move for no reason at all.So, I made the split decision to go to Anderson, with just the clothes on my back...hell, I wasn't even wearing underwear.On the way, I picked up beer and a sandwich.The sandwich was eaten as I waited for an hour for the goddamn ferry.Anderson Island is only accessible by boat. Some interesting tidbits: it's adjacent to McNeil Penitentiary, and if you go over at the right time you can see all the visitors, guards and such. Also, McNeil is lit up like a city at night. It's amazing. But, I have at least three more DUI's before I end up there, so let's move on.I arrived at the island around six to find a large group of people enjoying the beautiful weather. To my chagrin, there were no single women, but this is to be expected, for I have reached that awkward age of 27 – 35 where everyone is married. I'm going to have to wait another seven year before I can reap the benefits of the divorce years.Oh, well.I quickly began drinking, but found I had no taste for it. I think it was the mood I was in. I'm not sure. Beer just didn't taste good. But, like a champ, I drank anyway. J.K, Tony, and Nick were there and quickly showed me the large arsenal of illegal fireworks they had purchased. It looked like Uday Hussein's bedroom.Wait. Let me stop right here for a piece I like to callI Hate Anderson CooperEvery time this smug vampire appears on my TV set, I feel like throwing a burrito at him. Oh, I know, he's the pretty boy for CNN and everyone wants to hear what the pretty boy's pretty little views are on things. I bet he eats children. He's such a smug little cunt: peering at me from my TV, thinking he's so much better than me because he has a TV show and does that stupid walk, stop, and pose on his commercial. HE'S RUBBING IT IN OUR FACES! That fucker must be tied to a hog and rolled through the mud. Pretentious bastard. "Oh, I'm Anderson Cooper, I have two last names for a name and I'm on CNN."BASTARD!!!!Anyway, so Tony was nice enough to let me fire off some bottle rockets on arrival. With beer in hand I began looking for the most interesting ways to blow up gun powder via a stick and a small tube. I came up with: out into the water, directly into the water, straight down into the water, and up into the sky.This quickly became boring.It was then that Rob and I went to the General Store. I had eaten my sandwich on the way to the island and needed food. Rob needed gas for the power boat. So, we went to the store. It was a lovely store....and it was haunted.Bet you didn't see that one coming.After figuring out that Shopkeep Jonesy was really the mummy, Rob and I went back to the cabin. Rob insisted on driving and was belligerently drunk. At one point in time, we had three deer carcasses stuck in the wheel wells.Back at the cabin, I tried to find a place to store the pizza I purchased. It was really hard, because all three freezers were already filled with pizzas.I mentioned this to Rob and he said "Well, you shoulda asked me."I hate it when people do this: watch you buy something completely redundant and not mention it.I wasted my money....on pizza.Oh, the humanity.Anyway, it was now time to go grab the crab pot. Rob and I boarded the motor boat and made our way out into the Sound.I had to adjust my place in the boat as my fat ass was tilting the boat at a right angle and we could only manage to get off shore with my ass strategically placed in the front.The crab pot produced one crab, but it was a rock crab and we couldn't use it for food. I asked Rob if we could make a hat out of it, but he said no.Back on shore, I whiled away the time drinking and wondering if there were any drugs on the island. The beer wasn't doing it and I wasn't in the mood for Rum.At some point in time, Nick produced a small bullet shaped device that I mistook for a cocaine sniffer. But, alas, it was only a tampon for his girlfriend.Later in the evening, rumors of mushrooms were abound and I inquired with Tony's girlfriend who adamantly denied this premise. However, Nick's girlfriend, bright eyed and bushy tailed, kept nodding her head behind Tony's girlfriend's back. I began to think there was a conspiracy against me.Down at the campfire I met up with Nick and Tony. Soon a small bag was produced. "Dude, you want a shroom?""Bullshit!" I said. "That's weed.""No, dude."Long story short: an hour later I was infused with mushroomy goodness. We had to keep it quiet and this grew into some paranoia, but was quickly abolished by the lucid dream that is the mushroom experience.Luckily, I have never had a bad trip; or, rather, the type of trip that makes you see small ghosts of Nixon running around stabbing jelly fish with bottle openers. There was a time where I had to sit through a four hour ordeal of blowing a flat in a motorhome in Chicago, but that's different.So, as the mushrooms took hold, the fireworks began. Which I ignored in place of the beautiful stars that seems to surround the Earth like a circular Lite Brite.The next day, when I would close my eyes, I could still see them.Down the shore, a great cavalcade of fireworks went off. J.K. remarked that that must have put up and Iver's down there.They would set off a complete light show involving pyrotechnics not seen since Gandalf left the Shire.Soon, Tony was mounting a defensive: BOOM!There response: BOOM BOOM BOOOM WIZ BANG BOOM SHOOOOOOO WIZ BANG TODAH BOOM BANG BOOMTony: BOOM!This went on for awhile and after each mortar burst from Tony I would shake my fist at the other's and yell "YEAH, FUCKERS!"Soon, the weed was passed around and I found myself near sleep or death. I made my way back up to the cabin, ate some pizza and passed out underneath the enormous Lite Brite.