Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Things I Bought with My Stimulus Check

I have been against the Stimulus check since day one. In fact, I was against it back in 2001. However, boy am I enjoying it. Below is a list of things I purchased with my Stimulus check.
I have no doubt that a Stimulus check does nothing for the economy. However, I was wrong in my assertion that a normal person (like me!) would only use it to pay off credit. I did pay off credit with my normal paycheck, but I couldn't have purchased any of the following without the Stimulus check. What does this say about the nature of the check?
Well, I would wager that it's evil by the Christian standard of the phrase. Take for instance the beer, the gambling, the canned Martini - but, I've said too much. See below. No particular order.

Stay at a Casino: 220
2 Bottles of Collins Mixer: 5
1 Bottle of Vodka: 11
1 Canned Martini: 3
1 Case of Corona: 25
1 Sixer of Heineken: 8
1 Can Sapporo: 3
Contact lenses: 20 (with voucher)
Dry Cleaning: 8
Coffee: 20
1 Jumbo Jack Meal: 5
1 Yogurt: 3
1 Order of Goat Cheese and Bacon Jalepenos: 9
2 Heinekens: 9
2 Grape Kneehighs: 10
Tip: 6
1 Coke: 4
1 Burger Meal at McMinnimins (spl?): 9
1 Wilted Spinach Salad: 9
1 House Salad: 5
1 Order of Fries: 2
1 Hour of Gambling: 100
1 12 Pack of Bud: 10
1 Baquet of Bread: 4
Fontina Cheese: 5
Butter: 4
Gas: 10
5 Packs of Cigarettes: 30
4 Pillows: 14
1 Taco Salad: 6
1 Coke: 3
1 Movie Rental: 5
3 Budweisers: 15

So, as you can see, sure I stimulated the economy, but at the expense of my body and my morals. I guess one way of looking at it is that I showed the most famous proponents of the Stimulus check (Barrack Obama and George W. Bush) may cringe knowing the very unChristian things I did with the governments money.
You see that hour long gambling binge? That's Uncle Sam.
See all that beer and booze? That's another plunge in the national budget.
So, I guess I can say that maybe I did all the above to give Jesus freaks like Obama and Bush the finger.
Well, that would be untrue. I did it to get drunk and have a good time. But, I hope that someday my children's children will look back at the Stimulus check of 08 and say "Damn, that dude got drunk."
Thank you

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Pearls of Love

Flower Stories About Love

Where is All the Love?

Have you ever wondered where all the love went? I mean, like nine years ago, there was all this love all over the place. I'd walk down the street and all these people would be making love all over the place. Even the ducks and the swans would make love all the night long. It was in the trees as well, when they would drop their love seeds down onto the ground and make love to the Earth. Then all these baby humans and ducks and swans and Earths would all be born and then they'd love their parents and grow up to make love and have baby humans, ducks, and Earths. But not anymore. Now everyone's like "I hate you" and "Let's go to war" and stuff like that. So, I'm just saying why don't we make love, Beth? I'll drive you home after?

Let's Talk About Us

Honey, have a seat. I want to talk about us. We've been having sex for about three weeks now and I think we need to talk about where this sex is going. Are we going to have a baby? No, probably not, as I can only finish on your stomach or face. Are we going to get married? No, probably not, as I have told you that I'm currently married to my wife, Betty. Are we going to continue having sex? Yes. I think that's important. I'm glad we had this talk.

She's Having My Baby

There's a special feeling when you find out that your wife, girlfriend, or coworker is having your baby. It's like finding out that you won the lottery, only that you get paid over 18 years, and you really actually pay the lottery ticket, but you see that the baby gives you love, so it's kinda like getting paid in love. OK. So, it's not really like winning the lottery. It's kinda like finding out you have moles.

My First Girlfriend

My first girlfriend's name was Heather. We met at a roller rink and immediately fell in love. After skating she offered to take me out for ice cream. We ate ice cream and I told her over and over again that I loved her. That night she put me to bed and I dreamed of her. When I woke up she made me breakfast and drove me to school. I lived with her for 18 years and she still writes and calls me on Sundays and stuff.

When a Man Loves a Woman

There's that song about how a man loves a woman and how it's so special and it's pretty popular. I agree with the sentiment that the love a man has for a woman is pretty interesting and worthy of a song. However, have you thought about how special a man's love for the planet Uranus would be? Think about it. You got this guy that's so into astronomy or physics, that he loves his subject: Uranus. Or Jupiter, for that matter. My point is, this isn't an "anus" joke. This is a joke about how this guy – this isn't even a joke. This is about how killer it would be if a man fell in love with something cool and from outer space. Because, then it'd be like he get all this awesome data about the planet through his intense love.

Love Knows No Boundaries

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of couples of different sexes. Men with women and women with men. And I approve. I don't think there's anything wrong with a man and a woman being together. Sure, they are from completely different sexes and they have completely different backgrounds – but love prevails. I have this friend Jim, who's all like "Look at that disgusting guy kissing a goddamn woman." I said to Jim "Maybe you just feel threatened that a woman could be loved by another man and maybe you won't have as many men to love because there's like 20% more women on the planet." Jim just smiled and punched me in the face. I guess it's going to take awhile to get people to understand that love has no boundaries.

The Last Story About Love

I guess the last thing I want to say about love is that it's truly a good feeling. One time I fell in love and it cured my debt problem. Or, this one time I fell in love and soon I was having sex a lot more often. Or, another time I fell in love and all of a sudden I had TWO cars. What I'm trying to say is, America (the only country capable of love), go out there and fall in love. Do it a bunch. With multiple people. Do it again and again until you have all the love in the world. Then commit suicide to make sure no one ever gets all of your love.

The Year 1384

In the year 1384, there lived two teenagers with a forbidden love. They had met wherever teenagers met in 1384 and found out that their love was forbidden. Soon, the town or whatever was the place that they lived, or people lived in 1384 found out about their forbidden love. Then all the townspeople got all mad and they hunted down the teenagers with weapons that could only be found in the year 1384. I don't know what happened after that, as I'm still researching this.

The Daughter of Uncle Ben

Most of you might think that Uncle Ben is just a myth and that rice really comes from the ground and not an elderly black man. Well, let me tell you a story about Uncle Ben's daughter, Daughter Pearl. Daughter Pearl started a pea company in 1921. Her peas were magic and they came from her knowledge of the black arts, from her Uncle Ben. Her peas were spontaneously made when Daughter Pearl walked. A trail of peas would follow her and then her underlings would pick them up with toothpicks and put them into bags of Pearl's Peas. Then she sold them. So, magic does really happen.

Love Story

Gloria and Bobby met one night on the shore. She was dying of cancer and she told Bobby and he felt bad. He still had sex with her, though. See, she wasn't dying of a contagious disease. She was dying from cancer. So, Bobby made love to her and the following morning, he found out that he wanted to make love to her again. And again. And again. Then she died. So, you can see how ruinous love can be to Bobby.