Friday, October 24, 2008

Ryan Harper

Ryan Harper: Sarcastic DA


"Oh, it's my turn already? Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I welcome you to my rebuttal. It goes like this: that man is guilty! How guilty? Let me put it to you this way: he admitted to murdering that woman. Not in real life, but in his head. He's admitting it now. In fact, he's secretly hoping you'll give him the death penalty because he knows he deserves it. That's how guilty he is."


"Oh, it's my turn already? Well then, let's take a look at the evidence. A soiled shoe. That's all this man has to prove that he didn't steal that car? A soiled shoe? I have soiled shoes, and I didn't steal that car. I guess that means that the defendant didn't either? In fact, everyone in this entire world, if they have shoes, they are soiled. That means no one in the world has ever stolen a car! Imagine that!"

Lunch Break

"Oh, it's my turn already? Well then, I guess I'll just have a hotdog, considering that's all you serve. Oh, sure, put some mustard on it. Oh my God, I'm so privileged. I mean, everybody gets mustard unless they ask for no mustard. But I guess I'm special. Oh, please talk to me about how you once punched a guy for saying less than that to you. Oh, I'm soooooo impressed."

Back to Work

"Oh, is it my turn already? Well then, sure, let the jury deliberate. Let them all enter that room and talk about the trial like they have law degrees and didn't just get a week off from checking Mr. Clean on aisle twelve. Oh, I'm so impressed. What do you think they'll come up with? Guilty or innocent? Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll get another innocent spelled with two S's. I can't hardly wait."

Knowing How to Lose

"Oh, is it my turn already? OK, well, gee golly gosh! I can't believe the killer went free! I mean, with that crack team of super sleuths trying to remember cursive in order to sign their releases from jury – how could he not be innocent? Really! I mean, put those chimps in a room and you'll get a regular Magna Carte. I guess the dead give away that I might lose this case is when Juror three answered "How old are you?" with a letter. Nonetheless, it's been a fine job performed by the lot of you. I can't wait to see you sea monkeys at the voting both this November. Way to go!"

Divorce Court

"Oh, is it my turn already? Well then, let me play this tape. Do you hear that? That's this woman over here screwing that man over there. You hear that? That's this woman over here saying that man over there's name. Now, let's look at the video. That's that woman over there with all her clothes off, having sex with that man over there with all of his clothes off. Do you see what I'm driving at here, people? I mean, I'm a DA, I took this case for fun."

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Catholic Church Gives Garden for Sex Abuse Victims

This got me thinking – what else can we do to cork the tide of pain throughout history? Could history be solved and rectified with a little ounce of well meaning? Let's take a look.

Adolf Hitler Gives Plaque to Jews

In a remarkable turn of history, Adolf Hitler has an epiphany while in the bunker and decides that suicide is the cowards way out.
After Russian troops incarcerate the evil dictator, he swears atonement.
Years later, with just days left before he is hung, Hitler uses the last of his resources to barter for some nickel, an etching stick, and a plank of mahogany.

To the Jews,
I'm woefully sorry for the mass murder.

Walmart Gives Memorial Lamp to Worker Who Died of Cancer Because of Loss of Benefits

In startling news, Walmart has erected a lamp in honor of Gary Bauer, cancer victim who was stricken and killed by the illness late this year.
Gary's family explained that without proper medical benefits Gary couldn't afford the life saving operation and he passed on in late October.
Asked about the lamp the family's spokesperson, father John Bauer declared "We can now begin the healing. Thank you Walmart."

Ghost of Darth Vader Sends Get Well Greeting Card to Injured Ewok

Well, you get the picture…

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

John G. Krebs for Senate

John G. Krebs: Overfinanced Politician

Not a Right Wing Nut

(Int. John in medical scrubs in doctor's office)

JOHN: Hello, fellow Kentuckians. I'm John G. Krebs, and I'm running for Senate. (CUT TO CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S FACE) Folks, my opponent is passing me off as a right wing radical. He thinks that you folks are too blind to see me for what I really am: one of you. (PAN OUT TO JOHN SMILING) Well, I'd like to prove to you, today, that I am.

(Cue pregnant woman being carried into doctor's office kicking and screaming, follow until she is laid on operating table and is strapped down)

(Cut to JOHN with scalpel and pregnant woman)

JOHN: Folks, today I'll be performing an abortion. And not just a regular one, this is against the will of a 33-year-old Catholic woman. So, the next time you hear that John G. Krebs is a radical, I want you to remember this. (CUT FROM JOHN MOVING SCALPEL TOWARDS WOMAN TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

One of You

(Int. John in front of fire hearth wearing a plaid black and red sportman's shirt)

JOHN: Hello, folks. Many of you have been assaulted by my opponent's negative campaign ads painting me as some sort of elitist liberal who performs abortions on live TV. (CUT TO SIDE CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S FACE) Well, that's just not true. I'm one of you. I grew up in a small shanty and was raised by heathen cavemen who hunted food with their bare hands. (CUT TO CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S BARE HANDS) As I grew up, I became accustomed to lumberjacking and lumberjacking garments, like this one (CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF JOHN TOUCHING HIS COLLAR) And like most of you, I don't wear any faggoty earrings (CUT TO JOHN'S EAR) Folks, this campaign for Kentucky is about one thing: truth. The truth is, if I weren't (PULL BACK FROM EAR TO SIDE SHOT) here making this commercial, I'd be at home, drinking a beer and eating pork rinds. (CUT TO SHOT OF BEER AND PORK RINDS STOWED UNDER COFFEE TABLE) (CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF JOHN IN FRONT OF FIRE HEARTH) Not only that, I'd probably be drinking so much beer that I'd have beaten my wife by now. And I'm talking bloody. A good, relentless beating that the next several weeks she'll have to explain that she wasn't just hit by the refrigerator door, a truck hit her. (CLOSE UP OF JOHN) A big truck. Folks, I'm just like you and I'll prove it tonight. (ENTER MAN IN BEAR COSTUME) I'll prove it by grappling with this bear. Bare handed. (JOHN STANDS AND MEETS BEAR, MOVES ARMS LIKE HE'S FIGHTING IT) (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

My America

(EXT. JOHN at bar, fighting a man. John takes a few punches, is bloodied, but fights on, leaving his opponent on the ground.)

JOHN: Don't ever try to raise my taxes! (JOHN spits on opponent, walks to the camera as he brushes blood away from his eyes) Hi, I'm John G. Krebs. I'm running for Senate. I just beat that man half to death for trying to raise my taxes. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)


(INT. SMALL RESTAURANT, BLUE COLLAR PEOPLE AROUND JOHN AS HE TALKS TO THEM AND THEY AGREE. JOHN HAS A CHEESEBURGER IN FRONT OF HIM. CUT TO FRONT OF JOHN WITH CHEESEBURGER) Folks, America is a lot like a cheeseburger. Some people want to divide it up. (JOHN PICKS SOME PICKLES OUT OF THE CHEESEBURGER) They want to tell you that these folks are like this (JOHN CONTINUES TO PICK THINGS OUT OF HIS CHEESEBURGER) and these folks are like that. But pretty soon (JOHN PICKS THE CHEESE OUT OF HIS CHEESEBURGER) you don't have a cheeseburger anymore. You have a hamburger. Now as far as I know, there are certain dirty, evil religions that won't let you eat cheese on a burger. That means that this hamburger is a product of evil, dirty religions that want to enslave white men and turn them into beasts of the antichrist. And no one wants that. Or do they (JOHN LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AS A TERRORIST EATS A HAMBURGER BEHIND HIM) (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)



JOHN: Hi folks. John G. Krebs here. I want to talk to you about change. My opponent has been in office for over 4 years and he's brought nothing but stagnation. For instance, look at this picture of my opponent eating a slice of pizza. (JOHN HOLDS UP PICTURE OF GREG LEWIS EATING PIZZA IN A RESTAURANT) Do you notice anything strange? Isn't that cheese pizza? I guess Greg doesn't like to spice it up. (JOHN PUTS DOWN PICTURE) Take a look at this. (FOLLOW JOHN'S ARM AS HE GESTURES TOWARDS STADIUM) Our beloved Commonwealth Stadium. Well, guess what? (MAGIC SOUNDS AND STARS APPEAR) I've loaded it with hookers!


JOHN VOICEOVER AS WE PAN THROUGH THE STADIUM OF BARELY CLAD BEAUTIFUL WOMEN: Have you ever seen so many hookers? I know I haven't. I said to my campaign manager, why not give the great state of Kentucky some free sex. He said no. I fired him. That's real change. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

Timmy's Birthday


JOHN VOICEOVER AS WE SLOWLY ZOOM IN ON TIMMY: Hi folks. John G. Krebs here. This is little Timmy. It's his birthday today, but no one's celebrating. You know why? Timmy is a retard. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)



JOHN: We've all seen this footage before. Terrorists training to kill Americans. It gets me angry. Hi folks, I'm John G. Krebs. I'm running for Senate against Greg Lewis. Greg Lewis says he didn't train these terrorists, but can you really believe him? Greg Lewis is a veteran of three wars. Now, who could have better trained these terrorists? Me, the guy who was taking philosophy classes and smoking reefer, or my opponent, the guy who was training Green Berets in Iraq? I think you get my drift. I'll even say it. (GREG LEWIS TRAINED AL QUEDA IN LARGE LETTERS SUPERIMPOSED ON TRAINING VIDEO) Greg Lewis trained our enemy. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bruce Darren M.D.

Bruce Darren MD


"Doctor Darren to pediatrics." The voice over the intercom said.
"I'm sorry, Lashelle, but I have to go." Doctor Darren got up from his swivel chair and took off his glasses. "There's a problem in pediatrics."
"But Doctor Darren! My baby! Is she gonna be alright?" The woman was crying.
"Mrs. Rogers, your baby is going to be fine. And, like I said, I have to get to pediatrics."
"But Doctor! You said she had a defective heart!"
"Mrs. Rogers, yes, I said she had a defective heart, but that just means she won't be able to love."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"I have to get to pediatrics!" With that, Darren ran out of the room.

The Anatomy of a Baby

"Doctor, this baby is convulsing!" Nurse Plato screamed from the other room.
"Plato! Is that you! Where are you!" Doctor Darren dropped his stethoscope and ran out of the bathroom.
"Doctor, I'm in here."
"What? I can't tell where you are! Is there a Coke machine where you are?"
"No. There's a Sprite machine."
"That's the same thing. Blast you!" Darren ran to the room with the Coke machine. "Wait a minute. This IS a Coke only machine! Is yours a Sprite only machine!?"
"Yes, doctor!"
Darren opened the door. "There you are!"
"Doctor, the baby is dead." Nurse Plato said gravely.
"Damn these uniform soda machines!" Darren said as he shook his fist at God.

The Regional Administrator

"Doctor Darren! The Regional Administrator is in your office. He says you're being tried for…murder." Nurse Plato made her shocked face.
"Murder, huh? Murder of what?"
"A boy."
"A human boy?"
"It doesn't say."
"Does it have a name?"
"Curt Brady."
"That was no murder! Where is he?" Darren ran to his office and opened the door. "I did not murder Curt Brady!" He yelled at the administrator.
"Prove it!" The administrator yelled back.
"Alright. But this is the last time." Darren put his hand on the table and the Administrator did the same. They placed the tips of their thumbs together and had it out.


After winning the thumb wrestling challenge, Doctor Darren made the administrator promise he would never charge Doctor Darren with murder again. Even if he did murder someone. By accident or otherwise.
"Nurse Plato! Send in my next patient!" Darren yelled as he booted the administrator out of his office.
"Sally Farms." Plato said as she escorted the young woman into his office.
"Sally Farms, eh? Sally, what have you come to see me about?" Darren asked as he admired his champion thumb.
"Doctor Darren...I have this problem. It seems I can't stop blinking."
"Really?" Darren stroked his chin. He was baffled. "How often do you blink?"
"Maybe 30 times a minute."
"Jesus Christ!" Darren shot from his chair and climbed on his desk. He bent down so he could shout in Sally's face. "Good God! You're telling the truth! You're blinking right now!"
"Doctor, what should I do?"
Darren got off his desk and brushed himself off. "Well, we're going to have to remove your eyelids."
"But how will I sleep?"
"You didn't let me finish. We remove your eye lids and your eyes."
"My eyes!"
"This is never easy." Darren took out a yo-yo and made it sleep.
"But…but I'll never be able to see again!"
Darren put his arm around the woman and let it gently fall to her backside, he turned her around and she realized he was wearing 3D glasses. "Let me do the seeing for us both."

The Plan

"Plato. Darren. My office. Now." Doctor Darren depressed the intercom and sat back in his chair laughing to himself.
"Dr. Darren? What is it?" Nurse Plato was scared.
"Plato, how long have we been doing this?" Darren smiled.
"Doing what?"
"This doctor thing. How long have we been playing doctor and nurse? Isn't it getting old?" Darren sat up and continued smiling.
"Well, I always wanted to be a nurse."
"And I've always wanted to be a doctor. But doctor is just not cutting it for me anymore. I have a plan."
"What kind of plan?""A dental plan."

The Dental Plan

"But Darren, this is crazy. This whole dental plan…how will you pull it off?" Plato had sat down. Her whole life had been turned upside down.
"Easy, Plato. I have my reservations as well. But if I sit back and ignore this whole…dental plan, I may never see my dreams fulfilled."
"OK, Doctor. How do we get started?"
"Well, first we'll need some teeth. Then, from there, it's just a matter of raking in the money."
"I have teeth."
"Yes, you do. And so do I. Now we just need a rake."
They both put their fingers to the sides of their temples and thought.
"I've got it!" Darren got up and ran into the ER room. "Boys! Boys!" He yelled at the ER doctors working on the ER patients.
"What is it, Doctor?" A Doctor with blood all over him asked Darren as lifted that round metal thing from away from his eye.
"I need a rake!" Darren yelled.
"Doctor, this patient swallowed a rake just this morning!"
Darren looked directly at you, the reader, stroked his chin and said "Lady luck smiles on me today."

Insurance Fraud

"Doctor Darren!"
Darren looked at the pile of cash on the floor and quickly raked it under his desk. "Yes. What is it?" He put down the rake and walked up to the closed door that Plato was speaking though.
"Doctor Darren –"
"Quit calling me that! I'm a dentist now!" Darren shouted through the door. "And, no, I don't have any money for you to borrow!" Then, under his breath "Lousy bloodsucker."
"No, Bruce, it's the Administrator –""That lousy bum. What does he want?" Darren threw the rake under the desk.
"He says that there are a number of patients committing insurance fraud and that you should be on the look out." Plato said as the door opened.
Darren let just his eye be seen through the door. "Really." He shook his head and Plato could see his eye bob up and down. "And where should I be looking?"
"He didn't say." She followed his eye. It went for her chest and she covered her cleavage with her hand.
"Shouldn't I be looking there?" The eye asked.
"Doctor…I'm married."
"But your marriage is a fraud. An insurance fraud!" The eyebrow above the eye lifted.

Medical Waste

"Yes. Darren here. Yes. I did. Sure." Doctor Darren laughed into the phone. "Well, she had it coming. Insurance fraud. Yes. Fired. Just now. I know. I have to go. I have to go. Alright. OK. Thanks, Nurse Plato." He hung up the phone and asked himself "Now why would Nurse Plato be so inquisitive about her own firing that happened just seconds ago?"
"Doctor Darren!" The administrator rushed into Darren's office. "Why did you fire Nurse Plato?"
"I had to. She was cramping my style. Look, you told me to look for insurance fraud and I found it. Now, let's just give me the Cadillac and pretend this never happened." Darren put on his sunglasses.
"Bruce, listen. We can't fire Plato for insurance fraud.""Why not?"
"Because it's been me all along."
Darren took off his sunglasses and stood up. "Are you telling me this entire time you were the culprit?"The Administrator bit his lip. "Yes. I'm so sorry."
Darren went wide-eyed. "But how?"
The Administrator pulled a rake from behind his back. "With this."

Thursday, October 16, 2008


The Badlands

Bart Drek scanned the wastelands ahead. Not a single soul emerged from the rolling hills of stump grass and bramble.
He patted his horse. "Looks clear. Maybe too clear." The horse whinnied and they descended down into the valley.
That's when all hell broke loose.
Riders from the East. About a mile as the crow flies.
"Look like we have company." He dismounted and grabbed the picnic gear.

The Tall White Host

"Evening, friends. I hope you like biscuits and marmalade, brie and banquettes, choice wine, and an olive bar." Bart was pleased with the spread.
"Why are you here, white man?" The Indian's face made no sign of any emotion.
"Well, long story short, the wife left me around my fortieth and I'm just having a sort of vision quest. Just me and Maybel here."
The Indian looked back to where Bart had rode in from. "You staying at the casino?"
"No, no. They kicked me out."
"We want our horse back."

Problems Come in Threes

"Number one, you stole our horse. Number two, you are on private property. And number three, you left your Mazda parked in front of the gates of our ranch and no one can get in."
"You bastard." Bart said, and then ran back to the casino.

The Ocean Calls for No Man

Bart stood in the long grass of the beach, surveying the ocean. It had been years since he smelled the fresh sea water, and he yearned for the days when he would come here with his wife.
Maybel was by his side, as he traded the Mazda and thrown in a thousand bucks for good measure. The life of a cowboy rarely starts at the ocean. But let's be honest: when was the last time you saw a cow?


The sun broke open the clouds and Bart looked out on another day. His quest to find his departed wife started here.
It could have started with airline tickets to Santa Monica, but this was far cooler than Southwest Airlines.


Bart left the casino with 20 grand. A grand had gone to the horse. That left him with 17 grand.
Bart had heard cowboys weren't good at math.


"Farewell, old ocean." Bart said as he departed down the coast of the United States, following the Pacific down to Santa Monica.

The Oregon Trail

There was trouble up ahead.
Lights had descended upon the road and searchlights came down from the skies. The modern tools of the machine Bart was trying to flee wouldn't let him escape.
"Pull the horse to the side of the Interstate!" Blared the machine.

Doing Time

Inside the jail cell, the warder through Bart into the poke with an assortment of other villains from other crimes.
"Whatchu in for?" Asked the lanky old man in back.
"Just riding my horse."
"God damn. You know times are crazy when you can't ride your own damn horse in the West. This country…" The old man whistled.
Bart whistled back.
The old man whistled again.
"I will call you whistler." Bart said to the old man.

Whistler's Mother

"You know why I'm in here?" Whistler asked.
Bart shook his head and looked down at his hands. "No."
"I stole a pie." Whistler grinned at Bart.
"Why did you steal a pie?"
"Because of my mother." Whistler said and let out a loud whistle.
"What did your Momma have to do with it?"
"It was her pie."
"Keep talking."
"It was apple."
"I know."

The Great Escape

"You ever think of escaping." Bart looked around to see if anyone was listening. "You know. Out of here?"
Bart looked around. "No. I haven't had time. I've only been in here for 16 hours."
"When you get out?"
"Tomorrow. When do you get out?"
"Let's escape!"


"You boys aren't escaping no where." The warden said from five feet behind the cell where Bart and Whistler had been talking the entire time in loud voices about escaping.
"OK." They said in unison.


"You smell that?" Bart looked at Whistler.
"That's freedom, isn't it?" Whistler whistled.
"Ha ha. That's right." Bart said.
"I guess I better call in sick."
"You have a job?"
"Whistler! You old fool! Can you get me one?"
"What do you do?"
"I steal pies!" They both hunkered down and had a good laugh.

The Mayor

The Hangman

Duncan stepped into the office. "Nice joint." He said as he fingered the many volumes of books on the elaborate book case.
"Thank you. Are you a reader?" The Kraut asked. He sat at a bare desk, with only a notepad and long pen, jutting from a golden holder.
"Yeah, I've read 'em all. The Who Dunnits, the Mysteries, the Funnies." Duncan cracked.
"You don't enjoy fine literature?" The Kraut stroked his cat.
"You mean Mein Kampf? Mein Nazi? Mein Murder!" Hammer laid both hands down on the Kraut's desk. The sweat on his brow dripping on the fine mahogany.
The Kraut continued stroking his cat. "I don't know that reading. Please indulge me."
Hammer just kept staring at him, breathing even harder now. The look in his eyes slowly bringing the Kraut to confession.
"All right! I did it! She scorned me!" The Kraut yelled.
"I…I knew it." Hammer breathed.
"I can't. If I look down and see that pen that's stuck in my hand I'll faint."

LA Bound

It had been a whole month in Atlanta.
When the plane landed, Hammer was relieved.
The Kraut was on his way to the long burn, and Hammer was happily enjoying a Scotch.
"May I have some peanuts, Miss?" Hammer asked the stewardess.
She handed him the peanuts. "Miss, these are free, correct?"
"Yes, sir. Complimentary."
"My God it's good to be back in the ole' US."

The Night Before You Die

"It looks like it's gonna be a hot one today, Barry." Hammer smiled from behind his tuna sandwich.
"Yep. Say it'll reach 100. Can't say I like it." Barry replied as he shined his meat slicer.
"Say, Barry, you ever think about death?"
"Why no. Why should I? I'm only 40. Have this place. The wife. I would imagine it would take something out of the ordinary to kill a man like me." He smiled at Hammer. "I guess I'm lucky."
"Yeah. Me – I don't know. In this business you're more likely gonna be dead the next day than alive."
"I see your meaning. Maybe you should get out of the business. Ha. Open a deli. Can't find anything safer than –" Barry screamed. "My tie! It's stuck in the slic –" But before Barry could finish, any other words he would utter were sprayed from the slicer to the front window.
"I'll stick to my day job, Barry." Hammer left a twenty on the blood stained counter and began whistling as he left the building.

Murder, Inc.

"Mr. Hammer. It occurs to us that you may be the only man who can stop the syndicate." The mayor looked uncomfortable as he looked around at Hammer's collection of ape bottoms.
"See something you like?" Hammer asked.
"No sir!" The mayor retorted.
"I collect ape buttocks. You think that's queer?" Hammer said from behind a grin and a toothpick.
"Sir, what a man collects is his business. I heard you were strange, but I also heard you were dependable."
"Like a trash can."
The mayor looked perplexed. "Well, yes. Yes, I guess so."
"You don't guess so. You know so. Look, you ever have a trash can break down on you?"
"Why no."
"Of course not. It's a trash can. How's it gonna break?" Hammer was adamant.
"Well, I guess it could…it could be dented."
"Sure, but it still functions as a trash can, right?"
"So I guess I'm just the trash can? Somewhere to dump bad business." Hammer stood up.
"No. I mean. Wait – you said you were a trash can."
"That's right. And now it's time to take out the trash." Hammer walked to the wash closet. "I may be in here for awhile."

The Last Time You Breathe

"Hammer. Duncan Hammer. Yeah, I know him." The rat mafio stroked his mustache as he looked at the photo. "How much?"
The mayor looked at Slick Eddie and cringed. "How much do you want?"
"How much do you have?"
"I have as much as it costs to kill Duncan Hammer."
"Why do you want him killed?"
"Why do you care?"
"Cuz I gotta kill him."
"That doesn't really enter into it."
"Sure it does. What am I supposed to say to him before I squeeze the trigger?"
"You say…you say…something like 'This isn't personal. It's for money.'"
"Yeah. Yeah. How it was for 1 million dollars."
"Yes. Exactly." The mayor sniffed. "Wait – one million?" He shook his head. "Nice try, Slick Eddie."
Slick Eddie shrugged and smiled.

The Case Was Murder

"Hammer, this is nothing personal. It's for money." Eddie was looking around nervously as he held the gun at Hammer.
"How much?" Hammer said and then spit.
"C'mon, Hammer. It doesn't matter."
"C'mon – tell you what. I'll tell you one or the other."
"OK. How much?"
"Five dollars."
"Damn that cheap mayor!"


Duncan Hammer, PI

The Case of the Almond Brandy

Duncan Hammer had had enough. The city was slowly falling apart around him, and only the booze and the stale smell of perfume kept him going.
It was going to be a long night and he new what long nights called for: Brandy.
He poured himself a glass and meditated on it. The luster of the Brandy spoke to him.
He poured another.
And another.
Finally, he had five full glasses of Brandy before him.
What a night.

Georgia is No Place for a PI

Hammer had taken the case hesitantly.
You don't fly down to Georgia on a whim. And you certainly don't do it without all expenses paid.
He was on a night bird, sailing the atmosphere from California to Atlanta.
He paused to look out the window and the shape of things down on the ground. The Earth looked so calm and peaceful from up high.
So different from the hell he was flying into.
"Stewardess, can I get some nuts?" Hammer asked with only the slightest of grins.
The stewardess came back with the nuts and handed them to Hammer. He sat silently eating them and thinking about how he was going to pay for them.

Murder in Atlanta

The body lay on the dresser. The arms hung over each side and the face uplifted as though it was crying to God for just one more chance.
But there were no more chance. Not in this world.
Hammer took out a cigar and lit it. "Did you get a name?"
The detective looked at him and said "Barbara. Barbara Schlomo."
"You kidding me?" Hammer began to smile. Then laugh. "Schlomo?"
"It's just so…Schlomo?!" Hammer couldn't help himself. He just found some names funny.

Body of Lies; Body of Evidence

"So you're telling me this woman just hung herself, then cut herself down and laid herself out on this dresser?!" Hammer was incredulous.
"No. Who told you that?"
"I don't know. I come in here, I see this broad with a yoke on her neck, lying on the dresser. I guess I put two and two together."
"But no one told you that."
"The room told me."
"Well, that's not how it happened."
"Good. That would've been damn spooky."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

More Hammer

More Duncan Hammer, P.I.

The Case of the Bat in the Dark

Duncan Hammer had heard a lot of cases in his time, but the case of the bat in the dark was one for the books. It seems that a little handful of brass and sex appeal had wondered into Hammer's office around midnight, demanding his services.
"What can I do for you, lady?" Hammer asked.
"I need a P.I. A good one. Are you a good P.I.?" She asked as she licked her lips.
Hammer responded quickly "What's the trouble lady?"
"My husband…he was hit over the head with –" She turned around into the darkness of the office.
"One of these?" Hammer asked as he hit her over the head with the bat.

When the Rainman Commeth

Hammer sat staring out over the LA landscape he had propped up over the window overlooking the alley.
"It never rains in this town. It never rains." Then he lit his cigar and tripped the sprinkler system.
"God damn this city."

The Eagles Will Nest

"Hammer! It's Jenette, Franky's on the phone and he says he means business!"
Hammer coolly looked at the phone and decided not to take it. He'd dealt with Franky before and when Franky meant business, he could mean a lot of things.
Like maybe Franky was wanted for murder, or Franky needed help getting dressed for the big date, or maybe Franky just wanted a ham sandwich.
"Hammer! It's Jenette, Franky's says it's urgent!"
Hammer smiled at the phone. "Not this time, pal."
Moments later, Franky burst into the office waving a ham sandwich with a knife in his back.
"Well, I'll be damned." Hammer whispered. "How'd he get the sandwich?"

The Women of Tardash Street

In all his years on the force, and all his years as a P.I., Hammer had never seen such sultry dames in his life.
Standing there, all lined up on the brick wall, they smoked cigarettes and prattled on about Louie this and Joey that. Hammer knew whom they were talking about: pimps, dealers, and other assorted human waste.
"It really breaks your heart." Hammer said to Jenette.
"But Mister Hammer, which one is the Tardash Raven?""That's for you to find out. You're going undercover.""Undercover? But what do I have to do?"
"You know."
"You want me to..(gulp)?"
"Exactly!" Hammer said as he hit her on the back and drove her out into the rest of the prostitutes.

Hammer Special #1: The Death of Jenette

The squak box had been muttering more death in the big city and Hammer had had his fair share of it. As he leaned over to turn off the box he heard " – Jenette Brislow, found dead".
Immediately, he turned the box back on and waited for more details. " – in trial after trial, and Tums was found to alleviate the pain and bring her back to normal."
"I'll be damned!" Hammer said. "Tums is amazing."

Hammer Special #2: The Death of Jenette

"So, you're telling me that Jenette is dead again?" Hammer held the doctor by the throat; Hammer's cigar almost touching the doctor's forehead.
"No. I'm not telling you that. Jenette is dead and she's only been dead –"
"So, the Tums didn't work?"
"What are you talking about? Aaaaaarrrrrrrhg!" Hammer's cigar sunk into the man's forehead.
"I'm talking about the Tums you used to revive her!" The doctor slid down the door and passed out.
Hammer looked around the doctor's office. Seeing a pair of shoes on the ground he made his way towards them. He looked inside.
"Dr. Scholl, huh? You said your name was doctor Zinn." Hammer pulled his pistol and shot Dr. Sholl.

Hammer Special #3: The Death of Jenette

So, to wrap things up, Hammer decided to go to Barry's for his tuna on a Kaiser roll. It was Barry's specialty.
"What's the good word, Hammer?" Barry asked, as he sliced the bread.
"There's no good word in this damn city. Just criminals and dead bodies. I lost a loved one this week. Want to see her?" Hammer handed Barry his wallet.
"Sure." Barry said. He examined the wallet. "There's no picture here."
"I know." Hammer said.Then he pulled out his other wallet.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Some More Stories and Stuff


This Big Dog I Once Saw

This one time, when I was six I saw this big dog. It was so big. I walked up to it and asked if it was a dinosaur. The owner laughed at me and I shit my pants. I was only six.

I Once Blacked Out

When I was 18 I was trying to nail this board to a wall in my Mom's house. I had been reading about lumberjacks and I thought this would be a good way to learn what it was like to be a lumberjack. So, I was like hammering this nail into the wall as hard as I could and I got all out of breath and I blacked out. When I woke up I had shit my pants.

I Was Denied the Right to Vote

There's been a lot of talk about voting in this year's election and I've been really excited about it. But when I went to vote I was denied my right to vote because I didn't go to that school, didn't know what student council was, and I had shit my pants.

My Story of Racism

You may not know this, but I am a man of color. One day I was walking down the street and this guy goes, Hey Pink Face! Real loud. I was like Wow, in this day and age? I didn't shit my pants, though.

Cruel Women Have Tortured My Soul

It's no secret that women are cruel to me and have broken my heart. Take Melissa, she was this girl that I dated for twelve years. I wanted to get married, but she left me for another man. Then, after she had left me, she would call me and leave the phone off the hook while she made love to her new boyfriend. And I would listen and cry. Then, she came to my place and set my apartment on fire. Then she called all my friends and said I was dead. At that point I decided that it was time to get even. So I bought myself a brand new car.

I Have Been Shot in a War

When I was younger we were playing war and we would shoot each other with water guns. I got shot in the face. Years later, I went to a real war and I really got shot in the face, but with bullets. When it happened, I thought back to that time when I got shot with water in the face and I tried to figure out what exactly the difference was. But it was too late, I had shit my pants.