Friday, January 2, 2009

Lunch in Review

Lunch in Review

So, I got the office pizza, Tim's Cascade and a Mr. Pibb.

I did not want the Mr. Pibb, but the Coke fountain was shooting blanks. This left me depressed even before I started eating my lunch.

Tim's Cascade chips are essential, but Ruffles may be substituted in a pinch or if you feel like less oil.

The office pizza can be good to horrid, depending on how fresh it is. If you get a stale bit you'll end up choking down what tastes like the hard baked cheese from a nine day old pan.

The Mr. Pibb isn't terrible, but I would have rathered a Coke.

War Journals

Raspus Lee: War Journals


Left the Green Zone today with a box of magic markers to color on the way to collect taxes from the poor. Legions of Roman troops attacked our truck on the way out and I drew pictures of them.


Totally bored. This war for oil is really bumming me out. I asked my superiors "Hey, when we getting some of that oil?" And they didn't respond. I'm counting on that oil to get back to America, where I live and play in the sunshine.


It was my birthday today. I got some markers and a train set from the guys in the platoon. We played trains all day today. I'm really tired. At one point a suicide bomber dropped by to kill us and when he saw the trains he stopped, took off his bomb, and joined in. It was the best train day ever. I love trains.


Major attack today. Attack of the zits. I have like nine on my nose alone! I spent the morning popping them. Oh, brother!


It's been awhile since I wrote. I'm sorry. My arm was ripped off in a bombing. I now have a bionic arm. I can't believe how lucky I am. Trains and now this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Today I leave the Green Zone to go into the 1st Airborn Bionic Division. Our goal is not clear, but our first objective is to walk into Baghdad and start indiscriminately killing people with our bare hands. It's a war to win hearts and minds, and we're gonna tear them out, one at a time.


We are now being paid $60 a heart and $100 a mind. I have nine brains in my backback, as I have seniority and my buddy Elliot is taking the hearts. Pretty soon I won't need any oil to get back to America, because I'll be rich in brain money.


Just returned from Baghdad. I have 90 brains. I feel like a zombie. I bought some coloring books and a few GI Joes. Probably play war later today with Cliff, he has like a zillion GI Joes. My bionic arm needs oil. I hope we attack some oil fields soon.


I think Winston Churchill said it best when he sang "Mammie" at Earl's Court in 1983. I believe in the American way and I believe that this war for oil is good. But I also believe that my bionic arm is not functioning properly, even though the doctors say it is. For instance, I punched myself in the face this morning while shaving. Also, I kept plunging my Cheerios in my ear at breakfast.


God, this war stuff is getting B-O-R-I-N-G. A month ago if I saw flying limbs and debris decapitating a civilian I would be all like "WOW!" But now, there's this emptiness. This longing to just be a normal guy living with 38 cats and playing my harp.

Soon I will be returning home. My bionic arm tried to strangle a Colonel yesterday and it didn't go over well. I'm being dishonorably discharged. I don't know what that means, but I'm looking forward to seeing my cats. All in all, I learned a lot about war. Like how if you collect enough brains you get money for college and how if you get a bionic arm, you better be sure it's insured. I'm happy with my tour of Iraq. It is a grand place, filled with mischief and suspense. I would recommend it to anyone who likes cats and coloring books.