Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas Brings Out the Best in Me

Christmas Brings Out the Best in Me

The other day I was coming into work and a coworker said "Hello" and I said "Hello" back. But then I realized it was the Christmas season, so I took it a little farther and asked "How is your day going?" The coworker began to chat on and on about their day and how it was bad and how they just wanted to go home and cry. So, I took it one step further and I actually listened and thought about how I'd feel if I was having that bad of a day. Then, I took it even further by giving the coworker advise on how they can make a change. Then I even took it even further and suggested that she sleep with me.

Christmas Shopping Brings Out the Best in Me

As I've said before, science tells us a lot about the human spirit. Especially the Christmas Spirit. In Darwin's book On the Origin of Species he said it best when he said that the Christmas Spirit is an inalienable right and that all Americans should come together under one banner of Christmas peace. I keep that in mind when I go Christmas shopping. It's not every year that you get to go out and buy things for other people. Sure, there are birthdays, but it's not the same - there's no Christmas Spirit. So, I go to all the various stores and buy Christmas gifts with the Christmas Spirit in mind. I think "Cathy will like this vase." Or "Dennis would really enjoy this loaf of bread." By the time it's time to buy for me, I'm all worn out. I usually say "Tom would really love this bottle of Scotch. Even though I know he is supposed to not be drinking." After I drink the Scotch, I usually have even more Christmas Spirit and I start buying myself more gifts. Like cocaine.

My Favorite Christmas Carol

Probably my favorite Christmas carol is Little Drummer Guy. It's that song with the Ta Dudda Duh Da. I love that song. Sometimes I'll go to a hockey game and play it on my headphones instead of that Ta Doo Ay HEY Da Da Da song. I prefer Little Drummer Man to that song. So, around Christmas, a hockey game and Little Drummer Guy are definitely a part of my Christmas plan. I make it a tradition. Another Christmas tradition I have is that I eat a lot of cheese.

The Noblest Tree

The Noble Fir is probably the noblest tree; not just because of it's name, but because it's very noble to be called the Noble Fir and not feel embarrassed about it.

Hanukah: Festival of Lights

Normally when I meet people of different faiths, colors, and sexualities, I make a point of telling them that I'm not a racist and they of course can be my friends. That's why I was surprised when Barry Werner didn't invite me to his Hanukah: Festival of Lights. I would imagine if it's a festival, I could get involved. Maybe run the Ferris wheel or something. But I never was invited. I guess when it comes to people of faiths, the best faith is to have no faith at all.

Black Friday

The other day I was having a conversation with a African American gentleman about Christmas.
Me: So, how was Black Friday?
African American: Great. I got a Wii for the kids for Christmas.
Me: Wait - I thought you celebrated Black Friday?
Then he looked at me weird. I guess you can celebrate both.

I Apologize for the Last Two Entries

After a long and hard look at my last two posts I have decided to feel bad about them. I'm not going to take them down, but I feel that they probably could hurt someone's feelings. So, I want you to know I feel bad. Even if I still find them funny.

New Years is All About Redemption

I try to make New Years Resolutions every five years. That way, I have plenty of time to get things done. So far, I'm in the third year of my last list of resolutions and I still have yet to tame a wild Tiger, but I have tried crack cocaine and slept with a midget.

Honey, It's Time to Talk

The other day I noticed that my wife Barbara was having trouble tolerating me. We were at a party and I kept telling my joke about necrophilia and she kept giving me that eye. You know, the one that says "Don't tell jokes about sleeping with dead bodies to the people I work with." Well, I said to myself, we'll see about that. So, I went up to her and said "Honey, it's time we had a talk." Right in front of her boss. She told me "In a sec." But I kept insisting, until five minutes later she came outside on the deck with me. That's when I told her I had farted about five minutes before.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Animal Farm

Pigs and Goats

It has been my experience that if you see a pig or a goat, chances are, you're on a farm. Like this one time I was walking around and right in front of me is this goat behind a fence. Well, it only took me a sideways glance to see that there was a pig about 10 feet away from me behind another fence. I put two and two together and decided I was on a farm. Well, guess what? I wasn't. I was actually at my own house!

Squirrels Do the Funniest Things

So, I have a walnut tree in my backyard – well, it's not really my backyard, it's the apartment complex's property. But it's in back of my – actually it's in front of my apartment, but I live in the back of the building. Wait – squirrels!

A Myth About Bears

A lot of people will tell you that bears are super dangerous animals and that you should never approach them. This is wise thinking, however, all in all the average bear isn't that dangerous. Science tells us that it's only when you try to kill their cubs that they get mad. So, approach the bears politely and never try to kill the cubs; otherwise, the bear will get really angry and flail its arms and shoot taffy at you.

How Do Birds Build Nests?

By and large, science tells us that birds build nests out of sticks, bark, and whatever they can find to do the job. Science also tells us that the nest must be warm and capable of withstanding the enormous forces of gravity. So, let's say you are a bird and you're thinking of making a nest out of staples. Well, tough luck, bird.

Road Kill is Nature's Way of Saying Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the fittest is a phrase used to explain Darwinian evolutionary aspects as related to the survival of a specimen or species. So, for instant, the dinosaurs were not as fit as humans, so they couldn't get laid. You had all these dinosaurs that were out of shape and all these humans that were body builders – who do you think was getting laid? The tubby dinosaurs? And since the dino genes are recessive, a human could mate with a dinosaur or another human and still get a human. That's why Scottish people are weird looking. So, now take the Roadkill, an animal that has faltered ever since the beginning of the 20th century due to it's inability to outsmart another species – the Car. That's what that song Cars was about.

I Bet You Were Wondering Who Would Win a Fight Between a Goat and a Lampshade

No, but really – who would win a fight between a goat and a lampshade? Goats are very mighty and have thin tempers. However, if the lampshade were sentient, science tells us it could kill the goat by depriving the goat of sunlight. So, maybe at first the goat would seem to win, but after awhile – boy, I'm telling you!

I Could Eat a Whole Cow

A lot of times when I'm hungry I will say "Boy, I could eat a whole cow." But science tells us that the mass of a cow is typically more than the mass of a human. So, if you tried to eat a whole cow, the cow would rip out of your skin as you ate it. So, when you say "I could eat a whole cow" what you're really saying is that you want to commit suicide. And that's sad.

Faster – Eagle or Thrash Metal

Science tells us that the speed of light is the fastest you can go. But science also tells us that sound is really fast as well. So, what would win? "Disposable Heroes" by Metallica, or an eagle? Well, to perform this experiment, I bought an Eagle and the "Master of Puppets" album and instructed the eagle to carry a boom box playing "Disposable Heroes" over the span of a mile. What would happen first? Would I hear the song or would the Eagle land back in my hand? Of course, I would see the eagle first, because light is always the winner. But that didn't happen. Nothing happened. The Eagle flew away, never to return. So, the only thing I proved was that eagles are sore losers, because you know I would have heard that song coming.
She's hot at least. Or was. Did you know she was raped in real life? I guess it's in poor taste to put that right after saying she's hot. But, whatever.

New race of Star Trek characters discovered in Texas.

79% approval rating for just hiring shit.

Piece of fathog

Free lactaid fast act thingy.

Most fucked up movie I have ever seen by a longshot.

Most fucked up real life TV thing by a longshot.

Chris Nolan: Major Pussy

"There's nothing more natural than a beaver."

Hunter S. Thompson quotes.

More Top Ten.

Carl Sagan: Stoner.

Eventual, further caging.

I just saw a doctor in a real doctor's smock and it blew my mind.

Fresh for 88 you suckas! Seckle is a real word. I'll be damned.

Morrison at 65.

Jesus was a June, Gemini Jew.

Today's winner of horrible human being.

Real life kill droid. No joke. If this doesn't scare you, you are probably like, I don't know…Rocky?

Rockabye lyrics.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Nutcracker Sweet

To: Amy Rance
From: Tom Dryer
RE: Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker
Mrs. Rance,
I noticed earlier this week that you had erected a Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker in the lobby.
I have no problem with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker; Christmas is a holiday that should be celebrated by all, no matter what their faith.
However, I have noticed that the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker is not as he seems.
My first encounter with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker was on Monday when, as I was walking in, I noticed that it winked at me.
I am not fond of spirits or pharmecuticals. I do not partake in "partying" and have never been diagnosed with any severe mental problem that you know of. So, it's my reasoning, and my reasoning at the time, that the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker actually took on some form of animation and performed the supernatural task of winking wood upon wood in a suggestive tone to yours truly.
I found this reprehensible, and when I approached the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker, it had the nerve to remain in its previous solid wood state, only making a joke of my attempts to converse with it. In fact, some other associates took to giggling at my expense.
But Tis the season, and I took the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker's antics in jest and merely gawfawed and walked upstairs to my respective workstation.
The following day (Tuesday), when I was walking in from my morning constitutional, I found the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker following me. At first it was just a flash of blue ascending the staircase. I decided I had had too much coffee, just as it made its presence known in the Men's quarters near the sink as I washed my hands. It lifted its arms and put them to either side of its face and then stuck its long Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker tongue at me and then ran from the bathroom.
My shock was was most immediate and I decided to leave work early to gather my wits in order to come into work today and write you.
Upon arriving at work today, the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker approached me holding what I assume to have been a wreath with a large mace attached to the end of it. The spikey ball dangled from the ornamental branch in a suggestion of violence.
I am not one to tussel in public with wooden dolls, and therefore I left Lake Place 1.
Eventually, I was able to make it in to work, graple up the side of the building and enter through the roof where I was able to reach my desk and write you.
I would like you to set up a meeting with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker and the appropriate HR representatives in order to mediate this problem. I fully respect the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker's right to employment, but I feel that we have a difficult situation that needs to be addressed.
Tom Dryer

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Transcripts of Lost

Cars Have Always Been a Part of My Life

I can remember even as a child, cars have been in my life. In fact, when I was born, a car was used to drive me home from the hospital.
Things changed though, in 1982. Back then times were tough and we traded our car in for food and a goat. What was cool about this is that you didn't need a driver's license to drive a goat. So, at age six I was able to get fast food and go shopping for toys with the family goat. It didn't go very fast unless you kicked it really hard.
Eventually we ate the goat and got a new car. I think it was a Mustang. Kinda weird, being all poor and then going out and buying a Mustang. But Dad dealt drugs.
Soon I was old enough to drive a car, but I couldn't afford one. All day I'd daydream about jobs I could have that would make money enough to buy a car.
Sometimes I'd dream I'd work for 3.75 at Jack in the Box.
But, like all dreams, they took ground in reality and soon I was working at Jack in the Box, but I never bought a car, even after I had saved up 750, 000, as of yesterday.

Tazer the Animals Gently

Back when I was a zookeeper I used to be in charge of the snakes.
Snakes are dangerous animals and are prone to attacking handlers if they feel threatened. That's why it was very important that we wore handler's gloves.
But one time a particularly mean-spirited snake was aggressively biting me. I couldn't get it to stop, even when I sung it a song about goats.
Pretty soon I was fit to be tied and decided to give myself a snake remedy. I took the snake, that was still biting my glove to the shark pool and put my hand over the pool.
I know what you're all thinking: that that was dangerous. Well, I still had the gloves on.
So, this small shark jumps up and bites right into the snakes head and just hung there. So, now I had a snake AND a shark on my hand biting.
I still have the glove if you want to see it.

I Do the News

Piece of Fathog Gets Job

I really don't know much about Richardson, other than he looks like he could eat me. You know the type: you invite them over to your house and they're all greedy on the steak and fondue and you're like "Bill, slow down. Take sensible bites." But he's just eating everything and then he gets that look in his eye and you realize he's going to try to eat you and so you step away from the table and say "Not so fast!" Because you have a sword hanging over the entryway and you take it down and then the dessert comes and everything settles down, but you know in your heart that this bodes ill for commerce.

CEOs to Work for Only a Dollar?

Point/Counter Point

Let me get this straight? CEOs? A dollar? Get out of here.
Let's face it, the average fatcat CEO makes much more than a dollar in all the stocks and real estate and so forth that they own.
By my estimate, a CEO makes roughly one billion dollars in fatcat stuff. So, that means he's now going to make 1 billion and one dollars a year. And I should feel sorry for him?
Not me, brother. I believe these so called "CEOs" should be stripped of their fortunes and beaten like the vermin they are.
Should we feel sorry for the CEOs?

- Jim Dale, retarded child that thinks one man can make a difference

For every Jim Dale in the world, I own one dollar.
Sure, I make a lot of money, but what can I say? I enjoy this lifestyle. Sometimes I get up in the morning and I wash with one hundred dollar bills and the blood of the Jim Dales of this world. Sometimes I take up to nine showers, just to waste money.
My normal working day consists of coming into work, attending someone's birthday party and getting free cake without contributing to the gift.
Then I laugh on into the night.
Fatcat? Hurrumph! I'm slim as they come. An athlete by nature, I live to compete. That's capitalism. Like the other day I saw a homeless person out on the street and I stood next to him, took off my mink jacket and began begging.
Within minutes I had 60 more dollars than he made in an entire year.
That's how our species survives and will continue to survive as long as I am in power.
Man up.

- Jim Dale's boss

Tomorrow Knows

Turn off your mind, relax
And turn on TV
It is Primetime
It is Primetime

Lay down all thought
And pay attention to Chris Lloyd
He's on Taxi
He's on Taxi

That you may see
The teaming of Simons
You should be eating
You should be eating

That love is all
And eight is not enough
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling

That ignorance and hate
Patrick Duffy is not dead
He is showering
He is showering

But listen to the
Taste of Golden Grahams
And drink Pepsi
And drink Pepsi

Or play the game
Your lifeline is your friend
Lost is beginning
Lost is beginning
Lost is beginning
Lost is beginning

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Blogs of Note

Some More Stories

Ed Bradley Once Stole My Mail

You remember Ed Bradley? He was on 60 minutes? Black. Had an earring. Well, he once stole my mail in broad daylight. I live no where near where Mr. Bradley lived, but there you go. That's how life is. One day you're playing Throw Things at the Dishwasher and the next day Ed Bradley is stealing your mail.

On a Related Note

I knew this other Ed Bradley named Steve George. Steve was the center for our high school football team when I was a Jr. So, I kinda looked up to him. I started hanging out with him and partying with the in crowd. Before I knew it, I was pretty popular myself. By the time Steve George left school, I was probably one of seven popular guys at the school – and I didn't have to play sports to do it. So, follow your dreams.

Nintendo Owes Me Money

When I was a kid I played a lot of Nintendo. I mean A LOT. Sometimes years would go by and I would forget the world and just be playing Nintendo. My mother would change and feed me while I played. It got so bad that I had gone through like 90 Nintendos. I didn't go to grades 4 through 6 and when I snuck back into school, I lacked the basic skills it takes to complete sentences and walk at a normal gait. I sent this story to Nintendo. They owe me money.

My Best Friend, The Tree

I think my best friend has been a tree. It stood outside my Mother's house and it has never left. You can't say that about most people. Except my jealous father.

You Can Learn All of Life's Lessons Through the Power of a Book

Books are one of nature's most precious commodities. Like Moby Dick, for instance. I've never read it, but it's about a Lion Tamer and his pet monkey, Dick. Well, that's what I think it's about. The point is, you can use your imagination with books. Like when the Lion Tamer cuts down a tree and it falls on Dick and Dick dies and so the Lion Tamer has to go boating to find a replacement monkey, who he also calls Dick. And how on the way they meet a dolphin. See how much I learned? And I didn't even have to read it.

Powerful Beans
I work out a lot and my trainer has showed me the fundamentals of a good diet. Like beans. He told me that beans are rich in minerals and protein and that if you eat enough beans, you can become an Adonis. That's why I've been eating a lot of beans lately. And not just green beans – kidney beans too. Just the other day I had some beans and I beat up this guy. I'm telling you – beans are powerful.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Ryan Harper

Ryan Harper: Sarcastic DA


"Oh, it's my turn already? Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I welcome you to my rebuttal. It goes like this: that man is guilty! How guilty? Let me put it to you this way: he admitted to murdering that woman. Not in real life, but in his head. He's admitting it now. In fact, he's secretly hoping you'll give him the death penalty because he knows he deserves it. That's how guilty he is."


"Oh, it's my turn already? Well then, let's take a look at the evidence. A soiled shoe. That's all this man has to prove that he didn't steal that car? A soiled shoe? I have soiled shoes, and I didn't steal that car. I guess that means that the defendant didn't either? In fact, everyone in this entire world, if they have shoes, they are soiled. That means no one in the world has ever stolen a car! Imagine that!"

Lunch Break

"Oh, it's my turn already? Well then, I guess I'll just have a hotdog, considering that's all you serve. Oh, sure, put some mustard on it. Oh my God, I'm so privileged. I mean, everybody gets mustard unless they ask for no mustard. But I guess I'm special. Oh, please talk to me about how you once punched a guy for saying less than that to you. Oh, I'm soooooo impressed."

Back to Work

"Oh, is it my turn already? Well then, sure, let the jury deliberate. Let them all enter that room and talk about the trial like they have law degrees and didn't just get a week off from checking Mr. Clean on aisle twelve. Oh, I'm so impressed. What do you think they'll come up with? Guilty or innocent? Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll get another innocent spelled with two S's. I can't hardly wait."

Knowing How to Lose

"Oh, is it my turn already? OK, well, gee golly gosh! I can't believe the killer went free! I mean, with that crack team of super sleuths trying to remember cursive in order to sign their releases from jury – how could he not be innocent? Really! I mean, put those chimps in a room and you'll get a regular Magna Carte. I guess the dead give away that I might lose this case is when Juror three answered "How old are you?" with a letter. Nonetheless, it's been a fine job performed by the lot of you. I can't wait to see you sea monkeys at the voting both this November. Way to go!"

Divorce Court

"Oh, is it my turn already? Well then, let me play this tape. Do you hear that? That's this woman over here screwing that man over there. You hear that? That's this woman over here saying that man over there's name. Now, let's look at the video. That's that woman over there with all her clothes off, having sex with that man over there with all of his clothes off. Do you see what I'm driving at here, people? I mean, I'm a DA, I took this case for fun."

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Catholic Church Gives Garden for Sex Abuse Victims

This got me thinking – what else can we do to cork the tide of pain throughout history? Could history be solved and rectified with a little ounce of well meaning? Let's take a look.

Adolf Hitler Gives Plaque to Jews

In a remarkable turn of history, Adolf Hitler has an epiphany while in the bunker and decides that suicide is the cowards way out.
After Russian troops incarcerate the evil dictator, he swears atonement.
Years later, with just days left before he is hung, Hitler uses the last of his resources to barter for some nickel, an etching stick, and a plank of mahogany.

To the Jews,
I'm woefully sorry for the mass murder.

Walmart Gives Memorial Lamp to Worker Who Died of Cancer Because of Loss of Benefits

In startling news, Walmart has erected a lamp in honor of Gary Bauer, cancer victim who was stricken and killed by the illness late this year.
Gary's family explained that without proper medical benefits Gary couldn't afford the life saving operation and he passed on in late October.
Asked about the lamp the family's spokesperson, father John Bauer declared "We can now begin the healing. Thank you Walmart."

Ghost of Darth Vader Sends Get Well Greeting Card to Injured Ewok

Well, you get the picture…

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

John G. Krebs for Senate

John G. Krebs: Overfinanced Politician

Not a Right Wing Nut

(Int. John in medical scrubs in doctor's office)

JOHN: Hello, fellow Kentuckians. I'm John G. Krebs, and I'm running for Senate. (CUT TO CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S FACE) Folks, my opponent is passing me off as a right wing radical. He thinks that you folks are too blind to see me for what I really am: one of you. (PAN OUT TO JOHN SMILING) Well, I'd like to prove to you, today, that I am.

(Cue pregnant woman being carried into doctor's office kicking and screaming, follow until she is laid on operating table and is strapped down)

(Cut to JOHN with scalpel and pregnant woman)

JOHN: Folks, today I'll be performing an abortion. And not just a regular one, this is against the will of a 33-year-old Catholic woman. So, the next time you hear that John G. Krebs is a radical, I want you to remember this. (CUT FROM JOHN MOVING SCALPEL TOWARDS WOMAN TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

One of You

(Int. John in front of fire hearth wearing a plaid black and red sportman's shirt)

JOHN: Hello, folks. Many of you have been assaulted by my opponent's negative campaign ads painting me as some sort of elitist liberal who performs abortions on live TV. (CUT TO SIDE CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S FACE) Well, that's just not true. I'm one of you. I grew up in a small shanty and was raised by heathen cavemen who hunted food with their bare hands. (CUT TO CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S BARE HANDS) As I grew up, I became accustomed to lumberjacking and lumberjacking garments, like this one (CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF JOHN TOUCHING HIS COLLAR) And like most of you, I don't wear any faggoty earrings (CUT TO JOHN'S EAR) Folks, this campaign for Kentucky is about one thing: truth. The truth is, if I weren't (PULL BACK FROM EAR TO SIDE SHOT) here making this commercial, I'd be at home, drinking a beer and eating pork rinds. (CUT TO SHOT OF BEER AND PORK RINDS STOWED UNDER COFFEE TABLE) (CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF JOHN IN FRONT OF FIRE HEARTH) Not only that, I'd probably be drinking so much beer that I'd have beaten my wife by now. And I'm talking bloody. A good, relentless beating that the next several weeks she'll have to explain that she wasn't just hit by the refrigerator door, a truck hit her. (CLOSE UP OF JOHN) A big truck. Folks, I'm just like you and I'll prove it tonight. (ENTER MAN IN BEAR COSTUME) I'll prove it by grappling with this bear. Bare handed. (JOHN STANDS AND MEETS BEAR, MOVES ARMS LIKE HE'S FIGHTING IT) (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

My America

(EXT. JOHN at bar, fighting a man. John takes a few punches, is bloodied, but fights on, leaving his opponent on the ground.)

JOHN: Don't ever try to raise my taxes! (JOHN spits on opponent, walks to the camera as he brushes blood away from his eyes) Hi, I'm John G. Krebs. I'm running for Senate. I just beat that man half to death for trying to raise my taxes. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)


(INT. SMALL RESTAURANT, BLUE COLLAR PEOPLE AROUND JOHN AS HE TALKS TO THEM AND THEY AGREE. JOHN HAS A CHEESEBURGER IN FRONT OF HIM. CUT TO FRONT OF JOHN WITH CHEESEBURGER) Folks, America is a lot like a cheeseburger. Some people want to divide it up. (JOHN PICKS SOME PICKLES OUT OF THE CHEESEBURGER) They want to tell you that these folks are like this (JOHN CONTINUES TO PICK THINGS OUT OF HIS CHEESEBURGER) and these folks are like that. But pretty soon (JOHN PICKS THE CHEESE OUT OF HIS CHEESEBURGER) you don't have a cheeseburger anymore. You have a hamburger. Now as far as I know, there are certain dirty, evil religions that won't let you eat cheese on a burger. That means that this hamburger is a product of evil, dirty religions that want to enslave white men and turn them into beasts of the antichrist. And no one wants that. Or do they (JOHN LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AS A TERRORIST EATS A HAMBURGER BEHIND HIM) (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)



JOHN: Hi folks. John G. Krebs here. I want to talk to you about change. My opponent has been in office for over 4 years and he's brought nothing but stagnation. For instance, look at this picture of my opponent eating a slice of pizza. (JOHN HOLDS UP PICTURE OF GREG LEWIS EATING PIZZA IN A RESTAURANT) Do you notice anything strange? Isn't that cheese pizza? I guess Greg doesn't like to spice it up. (JOHN PUTS DOWN PICTURE) Take a look at this. (FOLLOW JOHN'S ARM AS HE GESTURES TOWARDS STADIUM) Our beloved Commonwealth Stadium. Well, guess what? (MAGIC SOUNDS AND STARS APPEAR) I've loaded it with hookers!


JOHN VOICEOVER AS WE PAN THROUGH THE STADIUM OF BARELY CLAD BEAUTIFUL WOMEN: Have you ever seen so many hookers? I know I haven't. I said to my campaign manager, why not give the great state of Kentucky some free sex. He said no. I fired him. That's real change. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

Timmy's Birthday


JOHN VOICEOVER AS WE SLOWLY ZOOM IN ON TIMMY: Hi folks. John G. Krebs here. This is little Timmy. It's his birthday today, but no one's celebrating. You know why? Timmy is a retard. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)



JOHN: We've all seen this footage before. Terrorists training to kill Americans. It gets me angry. Hi folks, I'm John G. Krebs. I'm running for Senate against Greg Lewis. Greg Lewis says he didn't train these terrorists, but can you really believe him? Greg Lewis is a veteran of three wars. Now, who could have better trained these terrorists? Me, the guy who was taking philosophy classes and smoking reefer, or my opponent, the guy who was training Green Berets in Iraq? I think you get my drift. I'll even say it. (GREG LEWIS TRAINED AL QUEDA IN LARGE LETTERS SUPERIMPOSED ON TRAINING VIDEO) Greg Lewis trained our enemy. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bruce Darren M.D.

Bruce Darren MD


"Doctor Darren to pediatrics." The voice over the intercom said.
"I'm sorry, Lashelle, but I have to go." Doctor Darren got up from his swivel chair and took off his glasses. "There's a problem in pediatrics."
"But Doctor Darren! My baby! Is she gonna be alright?" The woman was crying.
"Mrs. Rogers, your baby is going to be fine. And, like I said, I have to get to pediatrics."
"But Doctor! You said she had a defective heart!"
"Mrs. Rogers, yes, I said she had a defective heart, but that just means she won't be able to love."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"I have to get to pediatrics!" With that, Darren ran out of the room.

The Anatomy of a Baby

"Doctor, this baby is convulsing!" Nurse Plato screamed from the other room.
"Plato! Is that you! Where are you!" Doctor Darren dropped his stethoscope and ran out of the bathroom.
"Doctor, I'm in here."
"What? I can't tell where you are! Is there a Coke machine where you are?"
"No. There's a Sprite machine."
"That's the same thing. Blast you!" Darren ran to the room with the Coke machine. "Wait a minute. This IS a Coke only machine! Is yours a Sprite only machine!?"
"Yes, doctor!"
Darren opened the door. "There you are!"
"Doctor, the baby is dead." Nurse Plato said gravely.
"Damn these uniform soda machines!" Darren said as he shook his fist at God.

The Regional Administrator

"Doctor Darren! The Regional Administrator is in your office. He says you're being tried for…murder." Nurse Plato made her shocked face.
"Murder, huh? Murder of what?"
"A boy."
"A human boy?"
"It doesn't say."
"Does it have a name?"
"Curt Brady."
"That was no murder! Where is he?" Darren ran to his office and opened the door. "I did not murder Curt Brady!" He yelled at the administrator.
"Prove it!" The administrator yelled back.
"Alright. But this is the last time." Darren put his hand on the table and the Administrator did the same. They placed the tips of their thumbs together and had it out.


After winning the thumb wrestling challenge, Doctor Darren made the administrator promise he would never charge Doctor Darren with murder again. Even if he did murder someone. By accident or otherwise.
"Nurse Plato! Send in my next patient!" Darren yelled as he booted the administrator out of his office.
"Sally Farms." Plato said as she escorted the young woman into his office.
"Sally Farms, eh? Sally, what have you come to see me about?" Darren asked as he admired his champion thumb.
"Doctor Darren...I have this problem. It seems I can't stop blinking."
"Really?" Darren stroked his chin. He was baffled. "How often do you blink?"
"Maybe 30 times a minute."
"Jesus Christ!" Darren shot from his chair and climbed on his desk. He bent down so he could shout in Sally's face. "Good God! You're telling the truth! You're blinking right now!"
"Doctor, what should I do?"
Darren got off his desk and brushed himself off. "Well, we're going to have to remove your eyelids."
"But how will I sleep?"
"You didn't let me finish. We remove your eye lids and your eyes."
"My eyes!"
"This is never easy." Darren took out a yo-yo and made it sleep.
"But…but I'll never be able to see again!"
Darren put his arm around the woman and let it gently fall to her backside, he turned her around and she realized he was wearing 3D glasses. "Let me do the seeing for us both."

The Plan

"Plato. Darren. My office. Now." Doctor Darren depressed the intercom and sat back in his chair laughing to himself.
"Dr. Darren? What is it?" Nurse Plato was scared.
"Plato, how long have we been doing this?" Darren smiled.
"Doing what?"
"This doctor thing. How long have we been playing doctor and nurse? Isn't it getting old?" Darren sat up and continued smiling.
"Well, I always wanted to be a nurse."
"And I've always wanted to be a doctor. But doctor is just not cutting it for me anymore. I have a plan."
"What kind of plan?""A dental plan."

The Dental Plan

"But Darren, this is crazy. This whole dental plan…how will you pull it off?" Plato had sat down. Her whole life had been turned upside down.
"Easy, Plato. I have my reservations as well. But if I sit back and ignore this whole…dental plan, I may never see my dreams fulfilled."
"OK, Doctor. How do we get started?"
"Well, first we'll need some teeth. Then, from there, it's just a matter of raking in the money."
"I have teeth."
"Yes, you do. And so do I. Now we just need a rake."
They both put their fingers to the sides of their temples and thought.
"I've got it!" Darren got up and ran into the ER room. "Boys! Boys!" He yelled at the ER doctors working on the ER patients.
"What is it, Doctor?" A Doctor with blood all over him asked Darren as lifted that round metal thing from away from his eye.
"I need a rake!" Darren yelled.
"Doctor, this patient swallowed a rake just this morning!"
Darren looked directly at you, the reader, stroked his chin and said "Lady luck smiles on me today."

Insurance Fraud

"Doctor Darren!"
Darren looked at the pile of cash on the floor and quickly raked it under his desk. "Yes. What is it?" He put down the rake and walked up to the closed door that Plato was speaking though.
"Doctor Darren –"
"Quit calling me that! I'm a dentist now!" Darren shouted through the door. "And, no, I don't have any money for you to borrow!" Then, under his breath "Lousy bloodsucker."
"No, Bruce, it's the Administrator –""That lousy bum. What does he want?" Darren threw the rake under the desk.
"He says that there are a number of patients committing insurance fraud and that you should be on the look out." Plato said as the door opened.
Darren let just his eye be seen through the door. "Really." He shook his head and Plato could see his eye bob up and down. "And where should I be looking?"
"He didn't say." She followed his eye. It went for her chest and she covered her cleavage with her hand.
"Shouldn't I be looking there?" The eye asked.
"Doctor…I'm married."
"But your marriage is a fraud. An insurance fraud!" The eyebrow above the eye lifted.

Medical Waste

"Yes. Darren here. Yes. I did. Sure." Doctor Darren laughed into the phone. "Well, she had it coming. Insurance fraud. Yes. Fired. Just now. I know. I have to go. I have to go. Alright. OK. Thanks, Nurse Plato." He hung up the phone and asked himself "Now why would Nurse Plato be so inquisitive about her own firing that happened just seconds ago?"
"Doctor Darren!" The administrator rushed into Darren's office. "Why did you fire Nurse Plato?"
"I had to. She was cramping my style. Look, you told me to look for insurance fraud and I found it. Now, let's just give me the Cadillac and pretend this never happened." Darren put on his sunglasses.
"Bruce, listen. We can't fire Plato for insurance fraud.""Why not?"
"Because it's been me all along."
Darren took off his sunglasses and stood up. "Are you telling me this entire time you were the culprit?"The Administrator bit his lip. "Yes. I'm so sorry."
Darren went wide-eyed. "But how?"
The Administrator pulled a rake from behind his back. "With this."

Thursday, October 16, 2008


The Badlands

Bart Drek scanned the wastelands ahead. Not a single soul emerged from the rolling hills of stump grass and bramble.
He patted his horse. "Looks clear. Maybe too clear." The horse whinnied and they descended down into the valley.
That's when all hell broke loose.
Riders from the East. About a mile as the crow flies.
"Look like we have company." He dismounted and grabbed the picnic gear.

The Tall White Host

"Evening, friends. I hope you like biscuits and marmalade, brie and banquettes, choice wine, and an olive bar." Bart was pleased with the spread.
"Why are you here, white man?" The Indian's face made no sign of any emotion.
"Well, long story short, the wife left me around my fortieth and I'm just having a sort of vision quest. Just me and Maybel here."
The Indian looked back to where Bart had rode in from. "You staying at the casino?"
"No, no. They kicked me out."
"We want our horse back."

Problems Come in Threes

"Number one, you stole our horse. Number two, you are on private property. And number three, you left your Mazda parked in front of the gates of our ranch and no one can get in."
"You bastard." Bart said, and then ran back to the casino.

The Ocean Calls for No Man

Bart stood in the long grass of the beach, surveying the ocean. It had been years since he smelled the fresh sea water, and he yearned for the days when he would come here with his wife.
Maybel was by his side, as he traded the Mazda and thrown in a thousand bucks for good measure. The life of a cowboy rarely starts at the ocean. But let's be honest: when was the last time you saw a cow?


The sun broke open the clouds and Bart looked out on another day. His quest to find his departed wife started here.
It could have started with airline tickets to Santa Monica, but this was far cooler than Southwest Airlines.


Bart left the casino with 20 grand. A grand had gone to the horse. That left him with 17 grand.
Bart had heard cowboys weren't good at math.


"Farewell, old ocean." Bart said as he departed down the coast of the United States, following the Pacific down to Santa Monica.

The Oregon Trail

There was trouble up ahead.
Lights had descended upon the road and searchlights came down from the skies. The modern tools of the machine Bart was trying to flee wouldn't let him escape.
"Pull the horse to the side of the Interstate!" Blared the machine.

Doing Time

Inside the jail cell, the warder through Bart into the poke with an assortment of other villains from other crimes.
"Whatchu in for?" Asked the lanky old man in back.
"Just riding my horse."
"God damn. You know times are crazy when you can't ride your own damn horse in the West. This country…" The old man whistled.
Bart whistled back.
The old man whistled again.
"I will call you whistler." Bart said to the old man.

Whistler's Mother

"You know why I'm in here?" Whistler asked.
Bart shook his head and looked down at his hands. "No."
"I stole a pie." Whistler grinned at Bart.
"Why did you steal a pie?"
"Because of my mother." Whistler said and let out a loud whistle.
"What did your Momma have to do with it?"
"It was her pie."
"Keep talking."
"It was apple."
"I know."

The Great Escape

"You ever think of escaping." Bart looked around to see if anyone was listening. "You know. Out of here?"
Bart looked around. "No. I haven't had time. I've only been in here for 16 hours."
"When you get out?"
"Tomorrow. When do you get out?"
"Let's escape!"


"You boys aren't escaping no where." The warden said from five feet behind the cell where Bart and Whistler had been talking the entire time in loud voices about escaping.
"OK." They said in unison.


"You smell that?" Bart looked at Whistler.
"That's freedom, isn't it?" Whistler whistled.
"Ha ha. That's right." Bart said.
"I guess I better call in sick."
"You have a job?"
"Whistler! You old fool! Can you get me one?"
"What do you do?"
"I steal pies!" They both hunkered down and had a good laugh.

The Mayor

The Hangman

Duncan stepped into the office. "Nice joint." He said as he fingered the many volumes of books on the elaborate book case.
"Thank you. Are you a reader?" The Kraut asked. He sat at a bare desk, with only a notepad and long pen, jutting from a golden holder.
"Yeah, I've read 'em all. The Who Dunnits, the Mysteries, the Funnies." Duncan cracked.
"You don't enjoy fine literature?" The Kraut stroked his cat.
"You mean Mein Kampf? Mein Nazi? Mein Murder!" Hammer laid both hands down on the Kraut's desk. The sweat on his brow dripping on the fine mahogany.
The Kraut continued stroking his cat. "I don't know that reading. Please indulge me."
Hammer just kept staring at him, breathing even harder now. The look in his eyes slowly bringing the Kraut to confession.
"All right! I did it! She scorned me!" The Kraut yelled.
"I…I knew it." Hammer breathed.
"I can't. If I look down and see that pen that's stuck in my hand I'll faint."

LA Bound

It had been a whole month in Atlanta.
When the plane landed, Hammer was relieved.
The Kraut was on his way to the long burn, and Hammer was happily enjoying a Scotch.
"May I have some peanuts, Miss?" Hammer asked the stewardess.
She handed him the peanuts. "Miss, these are free, correct?"
"Yes, sir. Complimentary."
"My God it's good to be back in the ole' US."

The Night Before You Die

"It looks like it's gonna be a hot one today, Barry." Hammer smiled from behind his tuna sandwich.
"Yep. Say it'll reach 100. Can't say I like it." Barry replied as he shined his meat slicer.
"Say, Barry, you ever think about death?"
"Why no. Why should I? I'm only 40. Have this place. The wife. I would imagine it would take something out of the ordinary to kill a man like me." He smiled at Hammer. "I guess I'm lucky."
"Yeah. Me – I don't know. In this business you're more likely gonna be dead the next day than alive."
"I see your meaning. Maybe you should get out of the business. Ha. Open a deli. Can't find anything safer than –" Barry screamed. "My tie! It's stuck in the slic –" But before Barry could finish, any other words he would utter were sprayed from the slicer to the front window.
"I'll stick to my day job, Barry." Hammer left a twenty on the blood stained counter and began whistling as he left the building.

Murder, Inc.

"Mr. Hammer. It occurs to us that you may be the only man who can stop the syndicate." The mayor looked uncomfortable as he looked around at Hammer's collection of ape bottoms.
"See something you like?" Hammer asked.
"No sir!" The mayor retorted.
"I collect ape buttocks. You think that's queer?" Hammer said from behind a grin and a toothpick.
"Sir, what a man collects is his business. I heard you were strange, but I also heard you were dependable."
"Like a trash can."
The mayor looked perplexed. "Well, yes. Yes, I guess so."
"You don't guess so. You know so. Look, you ever have a trash can break down on you?"
"Why no."
"Of course not. It's a trash can. How's it gonna break?" Hammer was adamant.
"Well, I guess it could…it could be dented."
"Sure, but it still functions as a trash can, right?"
"So I guess I'm just the trash can? Somewhere to dump bad business." Hammer stood up.
"No. I mean. Wait – you said you were a trash can."
"That's right. And now it's time to take out the trash." Hammer walked to the wash closet. "I may be in here for awhile."

The Last Time You Breathe

"Hammer. Duncan Hammer. Yeah, I know him." The rat mafio stroked his mustache as he looked at the photo. "How much?"
The mayor looked at Slick Eddie and cringed. "How much do you want?"
"How much do you have?"
"I have as much as it costs to kill Duncan Hammer."
"Why do you want him killed?"
"Why do you care?"
"Cuz I gotta kill him."
"That doesn't really enter into it."
"Sure it does. What am I supposed to say to him before I squeeze the trigger?"
"You say…you say…something like 'This isn't personal. It's for money.'"
"Yeah. Yeah. How it was for 1 million dollars."
"Yes. Exactly." The mayor sniffed. "Wait – one million?" He shook his head. "Nice try, Slick Eddie."
Slick Eddie shrugged and smiled.

The Case Was Murder

"Hammer, this is nothing personal. It's for money." Eddie was looking around nervously as he held the gun at Hammer.
"How much?" Hammer said and then spit.
"C'mon, Hammer. It doesn't matter."
"C'mon – tell you what. I'll tell you one or the other."
"OK. How much?"
"Five dollars."
"Damn that cheap mayor!"


Duncan Hammer, PI

The Case of the Almond Brandy

Duncan Hammer had had enough. The city was slowly falling apart around him, and only the booze and the stale smell of perfume kept him going.
It was going to be a long night and he new what long nights called for: Brandy.
He poured himself a glass and meditated on it. The luster of the Brandy spoke to him.
He poured another.
And another.
Finally, he had five full glasses of Brandy before him.
What a night.

Georgia is No Place for a PI

Hammer had taken the case hesitantly.
You don't fly down to Georgia on a whim. And you certainly don't do it without all expenses paid.
He was on a night bird, sailing the atmosphere from California to Atlanta.
He paused to look out the window and the shape of things down on the ground. The Earth looked so calm and peaceful from up high.
So different from the hell he was flying into.
"Stewardess, can I get some nuts?" Hammer asked with only the slightest of grins.
The stewardess came back with the nuts and handed them to Hammer. He sat silently eating them and thinking about how he was going to pay for them.

Murder in Atlanta

The body lay on the dresser. The arms hung over each side and the face uplifted as though it was crying to God for just one more chance.
But there were no more chance. Not in this world.
Hammer took out a cigar and lit it. "Did you get a name?"
The detective looked at him and said "Barbara. Barbara Schlomo."
"You kidding me?" Hammer began to smile. Then laugh. "Schlomo?"
"It's just so…Schlomo?!" Hammer couldn't help himself. He just found some names funny.

Body of Lies; Body of Evidence

"So you're telling me this woman just hung herself, then cut herself down and laid herself out on this dresser?!" Hammer was incredulous.
"No. Who told you that?"
"I don't know. I come in here, I see this broad with a yoke on her neck, lying on the dresser. I guess I put two and two together."
"But no one told you that."
"The room told me."
"Well, that's not how it happened."
"Good. That would've been damn spooky."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

More Hammer

More Duncan Hammer, P.I.

The Case of the Bat in the Dark

Duncan Hammer had heard a lot of cases in his time, but the case of the bat in the dark was one for the books. It seems that a little handful of brass and sex appeal had wondered into Hammer's office around midnight, demanding his services.
"What can I do for you, lady?" Hammer asked.
"I need a P.I. A good one. Are you a good P.I.?" She asked as she licked her lips.
Hammer responded quickly "What's the trouble lady?"
"My husband…he was hit over the head with –" She turned around into the darkness of the office.
"One of these?" Hammer asked as he hit her over the head with the bat.

When the Rainman Commeth

Hammer sat staring out over the LA landscape he had propped up over the window overlooking the alley.
"It never rains in this town. It never rains." Then he lit his cigar and tripped the sprinkler system.
"God damn this city."

The Eagles Will Nest

"Hammer! It's Jenette, Franky's on the phone and he says he means business!"
Hammer coolly looked at the phone and decided not to take it. He'd dealt with Franky before and when Franky meant business, he could mean a lot of things.
Like maybe Franky was wanted for murder, or Franky needed help getting dressed for the big date, or maybe Franky just wanted a ham sandwich.
"Hammer! It's Jenette, Franky's says it's urgent!"
Hammer smiled at the phone. "Not this time, pal."
Moments later, Franky burst into the office waving a ham sandwich with a knife in his back.
"Well, I'll be damned." Hammer whispered. "How'd he get the sandwich?"

The Women of Tardash Street

In all his years on the force, and all his years as a P.I., Hammer had never seen such sultry dames in his life.
Standing there, all lined up on the brick wall, they smoked cigarettes and prattled on about Louie this and Joey that. Hammer knew whom they were talking about: pimps, dealers, and other assorted human waste.
"It really breaks your heart." Hammer said to Jenette.
"But Mister Hammer, which one is the Tardash Raven?""That's for you to find out. You're going undercover.""Undercover? But what do I have to do?"
"You know."
"You want me to..(gulp)?"
"Exactly!" Hammer said as he hit her on the back and drove her out into the rest of the prostitutes.

Hammer Special #1: The Death of Jenette

The squak box had been muttering more death in the big city and Hammer had had his fair share of it. As he leaned over to turn off the box he heard " – Jenette Brislow, found dead".
Immediately, he turned the box back on and waited for more details. " – in trial after trial, and Tums was found to alleviate the pain and bring her back to normal."
"I'll be damned!" Hammer said. "Tums is amazing."

Hammer Special #2: The Death of Jenette

"So, you're telling me that Jenette is dead again?" Hammer held the doctor by the throat; Hammer's cigar almost touching the doctor's forehead.
"No. I'm not telling you that. Jenette is dead and she's only been dead –"
"So, the Tums didn't work?"
"What are you talking about? Aaaaaarrrrrrrhg!" Hammer's cigar sunk into the man's forehead.
"I'm talking about the Tums you used to revive her!" The doctor slid down the door and passed out.
Hammer looked around the doctor's office. Seeing a pair of shoes on the ground he made his way towards them. He looked inside.
"Dr. Scholl, huh? You said your name was doctor Zinn." Hammer pulled his pistol and shot Dr. Sholl.

Hammer Special #3: The Death of Jenette

So, to wrap things up, Hammer decided to go to Barry's for his tuna on a Kaiser roll. It was Barry's specialty.
"What's the good word, Hammer?" Barry asked, as he sliced the bread.
"There's no good word in this damn city. Just criminals and dead bodies. I lost a loved one this week. Want to see her?" Hammer handed Barry his wallet.
"Sure." Barry said. He examined the wallet. "There's no picture here."
"I know." Hammer said.Then he pulled out his other wallet.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Some More Stories and Stuff


This Big Dog I Once Saw

This one time, when I was six I saw this big dog. It was so big. I walked up to it and asked if it was a dinosaur. The owner laughed at me and I shit my pants. I was only six.

I Once Blacked Out

When I was 18 I was trying to nail this board to a wall in my Mom's house. I had been reading about lumberjacks and I thought this would be a good way to learn what it was like to be a lumberjack. So, I was like hammering this nail into the wall as hard as I could and I got all out of breath and I blacked out. When I woke up I had shit my pants.

I Was Denied the Right to Vote

There's been a lot of talk about voting in this year's election and I've been really excited about it. But when I went to vote I was denied my right to vote because I didn't go to that school, didn't know what student council was, and I had shit my pants.

My Story of Racism

You may not know this, but I am a man of color. One day I was walking down the street and this guy goes, Hey Pink Face! Real loud. I was like Wow, in this day and age? I didn't shit my pants, though.

Cruel Women Have Tortured My Soul

It's no secret that women are cruel to me and have broken my heart. Take Melissa, she was this girl that I dated for twelve years. I wanted to get married, but she left me for another man. Then, after she had left me, she would call me and leave the phone off the hook while she made love to her new boyfriend. And I would listen and cry. Then, she came to my place and set my apartment on fire. Then she called all my friends and said I was dead. At that point I decided that it was time to get even. So I bought myself a brand new car.

I Have Been Shot in a War

When I was younger we were playing war and we would shoot each other with water guns. I got shot in the face. Years later, I went to a real war and I really got shot in the face, but with bullets. When it happened, I thought back to that time when I got shot with water in the face and I tried to figure out what exactly the difference was. But it was too late, I had shit my pants.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Things I Bought with My Stimulus Check

I have been against the Stimulus check since day one. In fact, I was against it back in 2001. However, boy am I enjoying it. Below is a list of things I purchased with my Stimulus check.
I have no doubt that a Stimulus check does nothing for the economy. However, I was wrong in my assertion that a normal person (like me!) would only use it to pay off credit. I did pay off credit with my normal paycheck, but I couldn't have purchased any of the following without the Stimulus check. What does this say about the nature of the check?
Well, I would wager that it's evil by the Christian standard of the phrase. Take for instance the beer, the gambling, the canned Martini - but, I've said too much. See below. No particular order.

Stay at a Casino: 220
2 Bottles of Collins Mixer: 5
1 Bottle of Vodka: 11
1 Canned Martini: 3
1 Case of Corona: 25
1 Sixer of Heineken: 8
1 Can Sapporo: 3
Contact lenses: 20 (with voucher)
Dry Cleaning: 8
Coffee: 20
1 Jumbo Jack Meal: 5
1 Yogurt: 3
1 Order of Goat Cheese and Bacon Jalepenos: 9
2 Heinekens: 9
2 Grape Kneehighs: 10
Tip: 6
1 Coke: 4
1 Burger Meal at McMinnimins (spl?): 9
1 Wilted Spinach Salad: 9
1 House Salad: 5
1 Order of Fries: 2
1 Hour of Gambling: 100
1 12 Pack of Bud: 10
1 Baquet of Bread: 4
Fontina Cheese: 5
Butter: 4
Gas: 10
5 Packs of Cigarettes: 30
4 Pillows: 14
1 Taco Salad: 6
1 Coke: 3
1 Movie Rental: 5
3 Budweisers: 15

So, as you can see, sure I stimulated the economy, but at the expense of my body and my morals. I guess one way of looking at it is that I showed the most famous proponents of the Stimulus check (Barrack Obama and George W. Bush) may cringe knowing the very unChristian things I did with the governments money.
You see that hour long gambling binge? That's Uncle Sam.
See all that beer and booze? That's another plunge in the national budget.
So, I guess I can say that maybe I did all the above to give Jesus freaks like Obama and Bush the finger.
Well, that would be untrue. I did it to get drunk and have a good time. But, I hope that someday my children's children will look back at the Stimulus check of 08 and say "Damn, that dude got drunk."
Thank you

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Pearls of Love

Flower Stories About Love

Where is All the Love?

Have you ever wondered where all the love went? I mean, like nine years ago, there was all this love all over the place. I'd walk down the street and all these people would be making love all over the place. Even the ducks and the swans would make love all the night long. It was in the trees as well, when they would drop their love seeds down onto the ground and make love to the Earth. Then all these baby humans and ducks and swans and Earths would all be born and then they'd love their parents and grow up to make love and have baby humans, ducks, and Earths. But not anymore. Now everyone's like "I hate you" and "Let's go to war" and stuff like that. So, I'm just saying why don't we make love, Beth? I'll drive you home after?

Let's Talk About Us

Honey, have a seat. I want to talk about us. We've been having sex for about three weeks now and I think we need to talk about where this sex is going. Are we going to have a baby? No, probably not, as I can only finish on your stomach or face. Are we going to get married? No, probably not, as I have told you that I'm currently married to my wife, Betty. Are we going to continue having sex? Yes. I think that's important. I'm glad we had this talk.

She's Having My Baby

There's a special feeling when you find out that your wife, girlfriend, or coworker is having your baby. It's like finding out that you won the lottery, only that you get paid over 18 years, and you really actually pay the lottery ticket, but you see that the baby gives you love, so it's kinda like getting paid in love. OK. So, it's not really like winning the lottery. It's kinda like finding out you have moles.

My First Girlfriend

My first girlfriend's name was Heather. We met at a roller rink and immediately fell in love. After skating she offered to take me out for ice cream. We ate ice cream and I told her over and over again that I loved her. That night she put me to bed and I dreamed of her. When I woke up she made me breakfast and drove me to school. I lived with her for 18 years and she still writes and calls me on Sundays and stuff.

When a Man Loves a Woman

There's that song about how a man loves a woman and how it's so special and it's pretty popular. I agree with the sentiment that the love a man has for a woman is pretty interesting and worthy of a song. However, have you thought about how special a man's love for the planet Uranus would be? Think about it. You got this guy that's so into astronomy or physics, that he loves his subject: Uranus. Or Jupiter, for that matter. My point is, this isn't an "anus" joke. This is a joke about how this guy – this isn't even a joke. This is about how killer it would be if a man fell in love with something cool and from outer space. Because, then it'd be like he get all this awesome data about the planet through his intense love.

Love Knows No Boundaries

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of couples of different sexes. Men with women and women with men. And I approve. I don't think there's anything wrong with a man and a woman being together. Sure, they are from completely different sexes and they have completely different backgrounds – but love prevails. I have this friend Jim, who's all like "Look at that disgusting guy kissing a goddamn woman." I said to Jim "Maybe you just feel threatened that a woman could be loved by another man and maybe you won't have as many men to love because there's like 20% more women on the planet." Jim just smiled and punched me in the face. I guess it's going to take awhile to get people to understand that love has no boundaries.

The Last Story About Love

I guess the last thing I want to say about love is that it's truly a good feeling. One time I fell in love and it cured my debt problem. Or, this one time I fell in love and soon I was having sex a lot more often. Or, another time I fell in love and all of a sudden I had TWO cars. What I'm trying to say is, America (the only country capable of love), go out there and fall in love. Do it a bunch. With multiple people. Do it again and again until you have all the love in the world. Then commit suicide to make sure no one ever gets all of your love.

The Year 1384

In the year 1384, there lived two teenagers with a forbidden love. They had met wherever teenagers met in 1384 and found out that their love was forbidden. Soon, the town or whatever was the place that they lived, or people lived in 1384 found out about their forbidden love. Then all the townspeople got all mad and they hunted down the teenagers with weapons that could only be found in the year 1384. I don't know what happened after that, as I'm still researching this.

The Daughter of Uncle Ben

Most of you might think that Uncle Ben is just a myth and that rice really comes from the ground and not an elderly black man. Well, let me tell you a story about Uncle Ben's daughter, Daughter Pearl. Daughter Pearl started a pea company in 1921. Her peas were magic and they came from her knowledge of the black arts, from her Uncle Ben. Her peas were spontaneously made when Daughter Pearl walked. A trail of peas would follow her and then her underlings would pick them up with toothpicks and put them into bags of Pearl's Peas. Then she sold them. So, magic does really happen.

Love Story

Gloria and Bobby met one night on the shore. She was dying of cancer and she told Bobby and he felt bad. He still had sex with her, though. See, she wasn't dying of a contagious disease. She was dying from cancer. So, Bobby made love to her and the following morning, he found out that he wanted to make love to her again. And again. And again. Then she died. So, you can see how ruinous love can be to Bobby.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Letters to My Father

Dear Dad,
Remember that one morning when you told me there was a Gnome riding a duck in the backyard? And when I went out into the backyard, you slammed the door and locked it? Well, I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you. Years later, I would find out you had a prostitute in the house and you wanted to have sexual relations with her. As a man, I can now say that I understand your needs and I understand why you needed to act the way you did.
The thing I still can't understand is how could you know years later I would actually come upon a gnome riding a duck. For, just today, I opened my door in my country house and there was a gnome on a duck "Ahoy!" he said. "I've brought you some muffins!"
I've never killed a gnome or a duck before, but I can only find closure in apologizing to you.

Dear Dad,

I'm glad you didn't write me back. You see, I believe some things are left unsaid. Like the story about the time you bet your friends I couldn't eat 11 hotdogs. I was so positive that I couldn't either, but you kept feeding me hotdogs and telling me in that grim voice of yours "You better finish!" That's the type of thing that's better left unsaid.
In your new life, I hope you have another son who can eat 12 hotdogs!

Dear Dad,
I was out in the hot springs this morning. I live on a mountain in a glorious country house I built from cardboard and pallets. It's not really altogether legal for me to be living out here, but I have many creditors and ex-wives that I need to escape. Kinda like you when you fled the country after murder. I'm not sure who you murdered, but I'm sure you had your reasons. Like, maybe he couldn't eat 11 hotdogs. I'm not really sure. Another gnome was out in the yard today on a duck.

Dear Dad,
There is a small army of gnomes on ducks in my front yard. The leader gnome has been knocking on my door and asking if I might have seen Jilly Bill. I tell them I don't know anything, but they persist. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe if I had that anti gnome spray you told me you owned. The kind that would keep you safe from gnomes and what I found out was really a butcher knife you used to slay five in a Boston warehouse in 1986. Anyway, the gnomes are calling again.

Dear Dad,
The gnomes have granted me immunity for the deaths of Jilly Bill and Garden Horse the duck. I told them my story and they feel that years of abuse at your hands had driven me to murder the gnome. I feel validated. This will be the last letter I write to you, as the gnomes are taking me to a far off land called Gnometown. I can't guess what Gnometown and my new home for me might entail. Maybe there's a place where you and I can finally make peace. However, Gnometown is not that place, for you are reviled as an evil despot and killer of gnomes. I thought you should know.
P.S. Do you still have that BMX bike I had? I would really like to have it back.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

More Stories About Your Face

Meanwhile, in the Cave of the Flavor Savers

"General! The vents are locked."
"Blue and yellow?"
"Made green."
"Alright. Ipson!"
"Yes, General! How's that cheese?"
"Sir, we're losing the end."
"Does the family simply cut the end off? Or do they throw the entire cheese out?"
"They throw it out."

An Army of One...Middle Finger

Have you got what it takes to beat the odds and find adventure in life?
Has the War on Terror left you behind because you were too fat, stupid, or lazy to pick up a weapon?
Do you believe that the Army, Navy, and Air Force require you to fight on foreign sands?
Well, not any more.
If you have a middle finger, and you share the Bush Administrations values, WE WANT YOU – to flip off protesters from your car.
Imagine, traveling to exotic cities like San Francisco, Boston, or Seattle…to flip people off.
It takes 30 hippies to create a protest – it takes one middle finger to say "Hey, f@ck you!"
Be the finger that makes a difference – WWW.ARMYOFONE.COM.

That Time I Robbed Your House

Hey, man. It's funny that you stopped by. I wanted to talk to you, too.
Yeah, I heard you got robbed – listen, I wanted to talk to you about that. I robbed you.
I know that's what you thought. Let me explain. I had this really good burrito the other day and I was sitting there thinking "Man, I could really use another burrito like that." So, I figured I'd go down and get a burrito. Then, I realized I didn't have any money. So, I was like "Why not rob Kevin?" So, there you go. I figured I'd be –
Yeah, you'd be amazed how little you get for a wedding ring. I think it bought a burrito and then, like, there was 70 bucks left.
I know, I know. Look, I have the 70 bucks. I just owe you four bucks. Wait –
OK, you're not going to believe this, but I've been robbed. All of those 70 dollars are gone.
So, we can call the cops, like you're saying, or we can let Karma complete its cycle. You lost 74 bucks, and I lost 70.
I knew you wouldn't see things my way, Kevin.
Same to you.

The Dolphin Castle

A lot of people ask me about the Dolphin Castle I visited in Florida.
I can understand the curiosity, but c'mon. Some things are private.

Astronauts that Live in My Basement

What's the first thing you think about when you think about astronauts? I know, me too: space. But you wouldn't think of my basement, would you? I guess the title probably grabbed a few of you by the eyes and pulled you in for more.
Well, there is more.
About two years ago I was down in my basement and I heard this "Shhhhh." I kinda looked around and noticed that three astronauts were hunkered down behind an old couch.
I knew they were astronauts because they had those puffy suits and the face shields and stuff.
They kinda looked at me and I just nodded. I could see what they were up to. My basement looks much like the moon, except for the couch and the collection of old parkas on the couch. Plus there's a Coca Cola sign from 1987 on the wall. Otherwise: moon.
The astronauts told me not to tell anyone about their fake moon landing, but it's my basement.

I Would Like to Extend an Olive Branch to You, Other Race Guy

Working in an office can be extremely political these days. You have people of all walks of life, be they red, yellow, or Mormon. It's very important to step around these people and make sure that you don't slip up and say something that they might take offense at.
Like the other day, I was in the elevator and this Communist got on and we started chatting.
I knew he was a Communist, because we were chatting about how much I hated Communists.
Before I knew it, I had insulted this man and his religion.
So, you can see how you need to be careful about people of other races – especially dirty Communists.
And that got me to thinking: isn't there a better way to go about dealing with people that you don't agree with or look like or shop at the same malls as?
There is!
That's why I'm extending this olive branch of peace to everyone who is different.
Yes, the olive tree is an elusive one and I found myself traveling all the way to my neighbor's lawn to acquire it.
Now that Thursday is here, and I have to go back to work, I will be brining the olive branch in, so that the next time someone gets on the elevator and they are different, I will point the olive branch at them.
It just makes sense.

I Don't Know About This Iran War Thing

I don't know much about all this Iran war business, but I will tell you this: I'm not about to start going to war for someone's oil and junk. I mean, what's the big deal about going to war for oil? You don't see people going to war at gas stations over it.
Like the other day, I was at the gas station and there was this car ahead of me and I started really laying into my horn, thinking this would make the guy hurry. It didn't.
That's how I know you can't get oil with pressure and stuff.
So, the next day I went to the gas station and no one was ahead of me. So, I couldn't prove anything. But the next day, I went in with my tank completely full and there was this guy ahead of me again. So, I pulled up next to him and I motioned for him to come up to my car.
He kind of gave me a look and I said "Hey, take a look in here." And I pointed at my gas gauge. "I don't need your oil, Sam!"
And then I drove off.
Therefore, I think there's always a peaceful solution when it comes to oil.

I'm Already Fired

I understand you want to talk to me about some of the things I've been doing around the office?
Oh, really? Well, listen: I've already been fired.
You look surprised? Well, don't be. Someone higher up than you fired me just an hour ago, before you even invited me in for this One-on-One meeting in the security podium.
It doesn't matter who did it. It's been done. I've been fired. And not by you.
No, the person who fired me was 100% more qualified to do the job. They listed the large spreadsheet full of infractions, my attendance, and nine other counts of why I am an inept worker and need to be taken away from this company.
So don't even try it.
Sure, I'm confident that you too could make a good case for having me fired. The point is: someone made a better one.
That someone wasn't you.
Yes, of course, by all means, escort me to the door – but it's not the first time. I was escorted to the door just a half hour ago, and therefore am too tired to fight back.
The biting and snarling that accompanied my previous departure was something to behold. But not this time: you didn't anger me in the least.
Sure, you can pepper your dialogue with "crazy" and "nuts" and search my pockets for contraband, but it's nothing compared to the thrashing I received when one of your betters hauled me out the door and told me to return all that copy paper.
Let this be a lesson to you.

Who I'm Voting for and Why

To all those concerned, I want you to know I made a decision today. I have decided to throw my vote in for a man who best represents what I stand for and what I believe the United States should stand for.
This is no ordinary man, you won't find him on CNN every night debating about the war and oil and stuff. This man is different.
He believes in things I believe in. Like the time he believed in me.
That's right, that man is my plumber.
He was over the other day fixing my toilet. I was watching old Newhart reruns and drinking. I offered him a beer, but my plumber refused. He said "I have job to do."
I applauded his morals and finished my beer and then made some pizza. I stood in the doorway of my bathroom and watched him work.
With my mouth full and beer dribbling down my chin, I asked "You need some pizza?"
He didn't understand me, so I asked again "Woo Wee Won Weeza?"
He looked at me and nodded. I went to the kitchen and remembered that I had eaten the last slice. I came back with the news.
He told me he was just about done. He was so classy he didn't even acknowledge the fact that I had teased him with pizza.
I sat back down and pulled out a can of paint and began huffing as he continued to toil in my bathroom.
This was a man that would work for America. I've seen America, and it's full of drunk, overweight men who huff gas and masturbate with tanning lotion. This was a man who would work for America, when America can't work for itself.
Eventually, the man came out of my bathroom and said "Is done!" I smiled and walked up to him and shook his hand. He flinched, but I grabbed his arm and made him shake hands with me. In this way, he proved that he wouldn't take my friendship naively, no he knew that he had to work for it.
He showed me the toilet and the new whatsajiggy that he installed. He flushed the toilet and we both watched the water in the tank rise to greet what was a new day.
"Thank you, Kenny." I said.
He smiled and told me his name was Sam. I told him it didn't matter, I would still vote for him no matter what his name was.
He didn't really believe me, or maybe he was just shaking his head at the olive branch I had pointed at him.
Either way, Sam is my choice for 2008.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dino Stories

Giant Dinosaur Story

Back in the olden days, dinosaurs were as plentiful as bears. In fact, the revolutionary war was not only fought between the British and the colonists of Northern America, it was also fought using French and Native Americans. This has little to do with the dinosaurs that were all over the place, but it's something to think about.

My Anti Drug Message to the Young People

It's been my experience that drugs are bad news. I've used drugs on several occasions and LOOK OUT – DINOSAUR!!!

The Patriot Act is Out of Line

As an American, I hold true the values of our country. From the Flag Day to the Labor Day, I'm always proud to hang stuff up in my yard. However, I don't feel it is necessary to instill fear and paranoia in our nation for the sake of – LOOK OUT - DINOSAUR!!!

The Lonely Island of the Last Dinosaur

Dinosaurs had been extinct for more than 50 years and on one lonely island, the last of their race was left. Which, when you think about it makes it so that they weren't quite extinct yet. However, seeing how the last dinosaur couldn't breed, extinction was in the air.
The last dinosaur stood proudly on a mountain top and watched as the sky burned from the meteor that had run afoul of the Earth, some 50 years beforehand. She reflected on her 50 years of isolation and thought to herself "Giving live birth and nursing would be disgusting."

Tony and the Pterodactyl

Tony was only two when he accidentally got into his father's time machine and blasted off into the past. There, in the period where pterodactyls lived, he found himself face to face with a giant pterodactyl. He looked up at the flying lizard and cooed. The pterodactyl squaked back. This went on for some time until a friendship was established. Soon, the pterodactyl let Tony ride on it's back as it flew the Earth looking for food and other pterodactyls to hang out with.
Then the meteor hit.

The Revolutionary War's Interesting Visitors

It's a long forgotten fact that the revolutionary war was the only war to include dinosaurs. No, not those kind. I'm talking about the kind that were rock legends in the 70s. It seems Tony's father's time machine ended up being used quite a bit. And, I'll be pig tied and sacked, if Foreigner didn't show up during the Revolutionary war and rock it like a hurricane. Just like the Scorpians in Vietnam, and Led Zeppelin during the Spanish civil war. Time machines are cool.

Why Didn't the Devil Ever Buy Any Dinosaur Souls

Think about it. I mean, a soul is a soul. It doesn't matter how big your brain is. So, I ask you: why didn't the devil ever buy any dinosaur souls? I could just imagine it. This nice brontosaurus comes up to this T-Rex and it's all like "Wait, before you eat me, let me buy your soul for unlimited bronto meat?"
The T-Rex would say "Awesome." Then the devil would pay him in all this bronto meat and then when T-Rex died he'd go to hell and burn forever and then when you or I went to hell we'd be able to see real life dinosaurs burning in hell.
That would be sweet.

The Dinosaur's Wedding Toast

Good evening Al, Linda. Thanks for inviting me to what I can honestly say is the third most important event in my life, after my marriage and the birth of my son Chris.
What can I say about Al? He's the only raptor that I've ever been friends with. I guess I learned a lot about their species and how friendship has no boundaries.
And Linda. I have to admit, she gives my wife a run for her money. Just joking, Justine.
Anyway, I just want to congratulate Al and Linda and I am honored to be a part of their circle of friends.
I don't want to tear up, so I'll give the microphone to Jordan, who's going to say a blessing.

The Dinosaur's Walk In Closet Monster

Did you ever wonder if dinosaurs were afraid of monsters and what those monsters would look like?
Would they look all extra scary or would they be more like bunnies or something that we would find cute?
Well, where's the part about the walk in closet?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Here's what's affecting me:

Geraldine Ferraro, notorious loser and feminazi has decided to sell out her party for the sake of her vagina. Geraldine would be an unemployed lesbian in a kinder gentler nation.

Conservatives everywhere are rejoicing in the slow death rattle of Ted Kennedy. Rush Limbaugh won't be happy until Teddy gets an undersea burial in a car with a dead hooker.

In redneck news, Hillary Clinton had a stare down with a preacher who just can't stop clowning around.

"He's eating my brain."

Maybe it was this big and had this written all over it.

This shit has got to be good. I don't care if I have to navigate a Scholastic Jr. Book Series page.

You fat fuck – take these pills.

Feeling sick? Too lazy to swallow? Try this.

Actual email to entire IS department:


I have once again delivered a new and exciting solution for the developer community.

Just saw the guy walking in the hall with his chest boosted out like he was the cock of the walk. I'm actually impressed with the idea that anyone has an ego this large. Smaller egos must orbit him like so many moons around a douchebag.

Weisberg came out Saturday night and we boozed it over at the Joker. I was already drunk by the time he picked me up. He and his brother dropped in for a few beers beforehand and I believe I was at 8 around that time. Over at the Joker we played pool and saw Norm Charlton and….last name starts with an "R"…black…I 'm too lazy to look him up. They were Mariners. Not the seafaring kind.
Earlier that day Josh and Monica came by so that Monica could tell me everything I did wrong with my furniture in the apartment. Don't get me wrong; I asked for it. After that we went to Chilis. Monica got mini burgers, Josh got a whole cow with a pig on top, between two buns and I got tortilla chips and mooched off their food. We were taking bets on whether Josh could finish his burger. He couldn't and was pretty much sick the entire day. I tried a mini burger and I have to say Chili's meat is too fatty. It was like eating the fat off a steak with mayo. We got a beer there, then went to Coho and got a beer there where Monica compared me to the fat guy on the Office. I cried for awhile and then we went to the Joker for a couple of beers. It was 90ish out and I pretty much felt high with all the sun and beer. Then we went to Barnes and Nobel to look at comic books.

Introducing the new man of the family: Jeff. Jeff will marry my sister next year and because I wanted to play poker and get drunk, I had Jeff, the old man, and Brad over for poker, pizza, and beer on Friday. It was a splendid occasion. I believe Brad won, but it could have been a Yeti. I ended up at Red Robin drinking Jaegermeister, so who knows.

Sunday morning I stopped by Ma's. There was a crisis. As she explained to me Mike cleaned the filters in the air conditioner, so the air conditioner stopped working. Then, the TV was working, but the circuit breaker said it shouldn't be and…I had to put together a fan.

Sunday night I went to Jenny's and hung out with Jeff, Cary, Eli, Maddy, and Brad. Eli was in a foul mood and wasn't happy until we let him pretend he was a robot while eating his chicken. We also brought out Jeff's Magnum Opus: Fritos with little smokies. I created a new dish when I was able to load a Frito Scoop with a little smokie, some chili, and a jo jo. If you were ever wondering, yes, I am fat.Speaking of

Your house is dirty. You're ashamed to have a dinner. Your spouse and kids have deserted you for a Sizzler. Who's gonna clean up the mess? Purex, you dumb cunt!

Yesterday my nephew and I watched the Japanese version of Star Blazers. It still entertained him. I, on the other hand, was more interested in the Frito/Sausage boats. But, the animation is spectacular. I feel sorry for children these days. I mean, there's millions of reasons, but the main one is that their cartoons are fershit. Take any cartoon after 1990 and you have the biggest load of colored shit since you ate Play Dough. CG? Fuck CG. Most movies looked more real without. Egotastic, bloated megaloads like George Lucas have turned Sci Fi movies into garbage. Again, I'm only saying this for the children.

The Geriatric Senator from Arizona is beating American Idol contestant and showboater, Barrack Obama by a whopping 1 percent. Sorry, I'm behind Obama 100%, but there's a bit of November left in me that thinks 50% of his soul is being voted on by troglodytes that equate Gap commercials with public health. I guess I'm just cynical from Kerry, but it really seems more and more evident that the leader of the world is being voted on based on good looks, a winning smile, and some nod to a lobbyist. However, I feel that there's a small chance that Obama could be 15% of what Roosevelt was to our nation, and I'll take those odds.

The Inquisition leg of the Catholic church is at it again. Should I go with a letting sexual deviants take Communion joke or a Is Will Smith excommunicating Scientologists for not enjoying I Am Legend joke? Your ball. Your court. You make the call.

This Guy Is Totally Wrong Dept.

Today in This Guy is Totally Wrong, we'll explore this guy's take on the Republican Party.
Talk about jerking yourself off. I don't think Democrats or liberals (people with common sense and decency) are winning. What's going on is that we're selling out our values to become centrists. Which just makes us the party of John McCain. The Democrats aren't getting any new blood, they've just become Republicans. The guy who won the Mississippi deal was a Pro-Lifer and gun guy. What's the difference between this guy and a Republican?

Like Hitler grazing Poland.

Rock star?

The more I see this stuff, the more I want to believe. Like a retarded Moulder. However, I do think it's possible we're seeing something, but pompous asses, like Bad Astronomy guy, won't for a second even think the possibility is in the cards and therefore do everything to disprove it. Asses like him are what make Newton's and Copernicus' of today live in shadows…and drink beer all day and eat Hotpockets.

The piranha one surprises me. However, I feel like they prove and disprove this crap constantly to keep us unhinged. "They" being the same people that put that statue on Mars. The lemmings one is a good way to get into an argument with someone. That myth is so embedded in society that Harland Ellison (who sucks, more later) even included it in a book.

More Indy movies? More Shiloh whatever your name is? Lucas: you're killing me violently with your song.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Square the Alley

Can the wicked thing in the alley stop moving. It’s made of heads. Blue, black, red, and yellow.
I walk by it and I’m stopped by the need for mercy from this fragile wound in my hand. About the color of hair and red.
“My dear friend.” It’s these damn robots again.
“There’s something in the alley full of heads.” I say.
“That’s been there, he’s dead.”
It’s a fullback, it’s a fucking real mean, big one; you know what I mean. Jesus! These things grow to the size of tree fronds. They’ve been issuing the Bill model after some of the old history. Fucking large nose and a head full of toupee hair.
I sneeze and it looks at me and leaves. Something in the air.
I keep walking and eventually armored cars come buzzing down the streets.
Streets have street meat.
I walk down the alley and there’s a hotdog vendor. I walk to the stand, put my two cents in, and
Hotdog flavor up through the vents, hits me in the face and falling back, this mustard smell comes to my lips and the vendor forks some fake, plastic dead skin from the hide of a beached whale up my mouth. I start gnawing at it and he pulls away. I fall on the ground and the waiter draws me away convulsing. “The street lamps have timber like music.” I say as they load me into the alley.
Here. Some sort of this land.
Plug you through with drugs. Some say sugar and some say hugs.
I’m impartial, and stuck full of hotdog smell, skin, and the drug they keep pumping into the monitor. It’s full of static and flowers.
Another robot this soon. It looks like an aging football player with a toupee. They keep having these toupees. And I want to cry; it asks me what’s this.
It’s pie in your eye.
Later in the home of this woman: She had Nilla wafers and there’s a storm outside. I’m getting cold. This woman gives me cookies and paces up and back.
Upside down later…I have a sundae cake.
This dead body in the alley keeps changing colors.
It’s hard to say how this happened inside out of the colors.
I’m afraid to say I’m a detective. I’m on the case of some William Burroughs alien fiends that keep attacking the gravitation fields within my close understanding of spare ribs and antlers. You see how this had
The colors.
The robot walks up and has another Sylvester Stallone wig and picks me up and lobs me into the movie theater.
Had the line, but couldn’t use it.
When we had the truck we used to get to the lake.
Dead beach dwellers come in and out.
I sleep at night, in a GI Joe hole.
The robots come back in Arby’s clothes. I’m thinking about rap music and hoes. I’m thinking about how this awful smell that smells like rats smells like home.
This car I had used to drive. These smells I had they don’t equate. And this car is up for grabs.
I’m thinking
These colors…
“This is a very unusual set of clothing and hair for a something like you.”
“These are my ways of expressing my lust for city and state.”
“We don’t like it.”
The robots scatter. I’m looking around at the game booths and the meat stores. I’m thinking that no matter what happens, this is not happening.
The colors of the police robots - just upbeat bots. They mean nothing. But what I’m saying to you is that there was something after me.
They had it in my head this place where I was dead.
I tried to examine the pills that I took, but I took what I was given, and I taked what I could took.
It’s always explaining hard to understand that the drugs make you aware of the reality of the drugs and therefore prove to show that there is no reality and then you wake up back at the same bed with the same fish, crackers, and this one blender that you never use.
All the time.
The music is killing my head.
And under a spell we ride along and these men say nice things to the sky and we rest aside the grape fields and the forgotten sea.