As many of you know, Amazon has been revolutionizing how we shop. From delivered groceries to drones that drop off packages in 30 minutes.
I sat down with an Amazon rep and asked him about future ventures. I think they will amaze-zon you!
Prime Wipe: This is the cutting edge of full service marketplace. You’ve just used the restroom and you don’t have time to wash your hands or deal with unpredictable toilet paper directions. Prime wipe is for you. You text Amazon and let them know when you plan on using the restroom. Amazon will send you a guaranteed wiping time and a drone will arrive just in time to give you the Executive wipe you demand. Also, there’s Prime Bidet where a drone with a squirt gun will do the job for those of you with discerning tastes.
Prime Spouse: Let’s say you’ve had it with your significant other. You’re tired of their crap and want just one day to yourself - Prime Spouse is for you. Prime Spouse will surrogate for you for however long you need to get the taste of BS out of your mouth. Amazon’s staff of spouses are trained in the areas of 1) agreeing with nonsense, 2) having bad sex, 3) explaining yourself and much, much more.
Prime Wreck Your City: Let’s say you live in a city that has been named “Most Livable” and your taxes are now through the roof. You don’t want to move, but you don’t want to live in Detroit. Prime Wreck Your City will remodel your city to lower your property taxes by a) bottlenecking traffic for 60 miles in all directions, b) taking every last bit of soul out of your city, c) CYCLISTS! CYCLISTS! CYCLISTS!
Prime Dump the Body: We’ve all been there: you’ve murdered someone and now it’s time to dispose of the body. You aren’t in the CIA or the Mafia and you know you’re over your head. Prime will send out a drone to pick up the body and dispose of it in the nearest ocean.
Prime Eat for You: If you’re like me, sometimes you just don’t feel like getting up - even to eat. Prime Eat for You works like this: you select a meal from your phone and we pay a guy to eat it for you. You can have that steak and mash potatoes and never worry about your waistline.
Prime Feather in Your Cap: You've just been promoted. You want to let everyone know, but you don't want to be "that guy". Amazon Feather in Your Cap will send a courier with a feather that says Promotion or Dating Hot Chick or Ate a Five Patty Fat Burger and put it in your hat for all to see.
Prime Stick Your Head in a Fire: You don’t know what you want. You can’t make decisions. You want to do something with your life, but you cower in your shell and hope that someone will make those decisions for you. Well, Amazon can help you. You simply log into Amazon.com and after two hours of random browsing with no discernible executions of purchases - Amazon will send a drone with a small fireplace and physically stick your head in it.
Prime Tell Your Kids the Pet is Dead: You get the idea.