Funeral Plans for my Goldfish 2001
Monday, June 7
• 10 a.m. PDT: Goldfish tank is removed from the top of my fireplace. Tank is drained and "Goldy" is removed with tweezers.
• 11 a.m. PDT : A private ceremony is held with Matt and Ex-Girlfriend who bought the fish.
• 12 p.m. PDT: Goldy lies in repose on a napkin above my computer. The public will be able to pay its respects through the night.
Tuesday, June 8
• 10 p.m. PDT: Lying in repose concludes at the VCR.
Wednesday, June 9
• 8:30 a.m. PDT: The Hot Wheels motorcade departs for the toilet with Matt sadly repeating "choo-choo."
• 9:30 a.m. PDT: Aircraft takes off from Point Mugu, headed for Andrews Air Force Base, outside Washington, D.C. This has nothing to do with my goldfish, but did happen at this time in 2001.
• 5 p.m. EDT: Matt drinks a beer and pours half of it on the rug for his "dead Goldy."
• 6 p.m. EDT: Fight ensues due to Matt's incompetence that lead to the fish being boiled alive above the fireplace.
• 7 p.m. EDT: Make up sex.
• 7.02 p.m. EDT.: Couple watches "Iron Chef."
Thursday, June 10
All day: Couple goes for a hike; forgets that fish is on the bathroom floor on a Hot Wheels Corvette.
Friday, June 11
• 10:45 a.m. EDT: Couple returns home to horrendous stench.
• 11:15 a.m. EDT: Goldy is thrown across the room, using a spatula, into the toilet.
• 11:30 a.m. EDT: Couple says solemn prayer.
• 1:45 p.m. EDT: Motorcade is put back into top "fun drawer" of Matt's nightstand.
• 2:45 p.m. EDT: Matt throws a paper airplane above the toilet.
• 4:45 p.m. PDT: Matt makes 21 gun salute sounds with his mouth.
• 6 p.m. PDT: Couple holds each other as Matt flushes the toilet.
• 6:15 p.m. PDT: Matt asks "why did you buy me a damn fish for my birthday?"
• 6:16 p.m. PDT: Fight ensues.