Wednesday, February 1, 2012


It would be better if you didn’t do that. Seriously, stop it. I’m really not joking anymore. You need to stop doing that. OK, now I’m totally serious about this. I want to prevail upon you that if you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to do something. I don’t even know what. It’s hard to think about it while you’re doing that. But once you stop it for half a second I’m going to really let you have it somehow, after I devise a plan to do so.

Yeah, I’d just like to take back this frozen pizza. No, there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just really broke and need the money for beer. But the customer is always right. And I’m right when I say you need to give me my money back so I can get drunk with it. See, I have some cheese and bread at home and now I don’t need this until payday. I’ll be back to buy it back then. I know this isn’t a pawn shop. I’m not blind. I was just there selling my Dad’s class ring.

Hello! I saw you had a “For Sale” sign out front. How much? That’s a little out of my price range. What about just for the kitchen? Yeah right, what? You’d make a bundle piecing the house. I don’t know why you’re laughing. This is the scheme of the century. You sell me that kitchen for 50 grand, then you sell the living room for a cool 100, each bathroom for 25, then the master bedroom for 100, and the two other rooms for 75 – that’s a cool I don’t know how much and you’d still have the garage to live in. Man, I guess you just don’t understand real estate and I need to use your bathroom.

I’ll race you for one of those Big Macs. Hey – you! I’ll race you for that Big Mac. Yes, you. Get it together, pal. It’s racing time. I don’t care what you’re doing with your family. You need to get out of that seat and race me out front for that Big Mac. Your kids can watch you lose. But in the end, you’ll be watching me eat that Big Mac. What are you? Chicken? Bawk, bawk, bawk. See, even your kids are laughing. You want me to stop? Oh, you’re getting up to get the manager. Don’t shove me. I want a race, not a fight.

Do you have any vowels? Huh? No. I want a vowel. It’s the letters A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. Dude, Amazon has everything. You have to have vowels. Yes you can. I saw it on that Wheel of Fortune thing – ya see, I figure if I get a stockpile of vowels I can sell them on the street outside the studios in Burbank. Yeah, so you and me – we make some vowel money. I know Amazon is just stockpiling them for the same reason, but we can double cross them. Sometimes. Why?

OK. Kind of a situation here. It’s rather embarrassing, so could you ask that everyone in the office leave? I understand this is Urgent Care – but this is REALLY urgent and REALLY embarrassing. If you don’t do it, I will. OK. You’ve forced my hand. Everyone! Hey, everyone – the urgent care has run out of medicine! It’s in your house, and Jack’s house, and Susan’s house! I see no one is leaving. OK, I have a Milk Dud in my ear.


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Boo Girl 95 said...

Okay this is funny! Haha!

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