Friday, February 27, 2009

W.: The Case for George Bush

So, not the best movie. Not the worst. The guy who played Rove stunk. Same with the guy who did Powell. Everyone came off as not that bad of guys (even Cheney) and no conspiracies were brought up.

Which begs the question – is Oliver Stone a new man?

Possibly, but I think it all had more to do with showing Bush as a human being. Which makes me wonder why conservatives hated the movie.

Well, here's a scene.

W: Poppy, I have picked daisies for you. Would you care to eat some? (W hands his father a coconut)

Poppy: Son, they are…lovely. (Poppy accepts the coconut)

What stone is trying to show here is that W is forever trying to have his father acknowledge him as an equal…or maybe even a son.

Like this:

W: Poppy, you wanna play Punch Out?
Poppy: Not now, George. I have this State of the Union to write.
W: (looking forlorn) OK, that's cool. I'll just go driving around the yard again.
Poppy: On second thought. (Poppy raises an eyebrow, canned laughter plays)

What Stone has accomplished is the humanizing of a man that 62% of Americans want behind bars. No matter what your opinion of Bush is, you have to accept him as a human – that is our jobs as humans. Stone is trying to say, here you go, liberals, this is the guy you hate, now try to hate him.

And we can't. We see that G.W. is human like us. I know I've spent most of my entire life living off of whatever is the easiest piece of meat to chew. Who wouldn't take advantage of that. But there are consequences.

W: Poppy, Poppy, I made a fire in the sink! (W is scared)
Poppy: Where? Let me see. (Poppy follows W into the living room) Son, that's OK, that's not a sink. That's a fireplace.
W: Then I made two fires! (starts crying)

President Bush was a man of action. He prided himself in being the Decider. That's a heavy burden to pick up and go with. When was the last time you made a decision, a quick one, in order to save lives? You don’t always have the time to think about the moral certitude involved.

Laura Bush is also an important character in this movie as the loving wife, who begrudgingly supports her husband because she loves him.

Laura: Geo, you need to stop. Your boozing is ruining our marriage. You can't just keep drinking your way through life without serious repercussions. I don't want to be one of them. (crying)
W: Darling, when you married me you knew that I drank.
Laura: Not like this. Not at this time of the day. And not when your wife is crying – trying to save what's left of this marriage! (grabs W's arm and turns him toward her) I won't quit you, but you must quit it. (points to the bottle of Hawaiian Punch on the dresser)
W: The guy on the label looks happy.
Laura: He is happy. (stroking W's back) But you aren't.

W's substance abuse problems are well documented and it doesn't take a Dailykos subscriber to realize the man had some issues at an early age. Who hasn't had a drinking problem? Unless you're Mormon or Amish or deer, you've gone through a point in your life when you drank 8 or 39 beers a day. It's natural. But people grow. Take for instance my Mom, she had a cocaine problem a week ago, but was able to accept Buddha and become a 12 stepper.

W: Please, reverend, pray with me.
Reverend: (both bow heads) Dear father, help me grow tits so that I can be a woman again. I have sinned ever so in the Barking Lamb casino and I need to grow the wings that will deliver me into the inferno of your heart. Let me be you Skynrd and I will be your Lynrd.
W: You aren't my reverend.
Reverend: (raises eyebrows twice)

There's much uncertainty in W's life. From WMDs to Somalia pirates, a cast of characters emerges that frames the President as a man who must dodge in and out of life like a raccoon on a freeway. It becomes clear that it is hard to criticize a man on fire and W is a man who is like a raccoon on a freeway, only he's also on fire.

Pirate: Walk the plank! (points sword at plank)
W: Never. Not until you free my people.
Pirate: Your people are finished! Finished!
Laura: Actually, I'm still eating. So is Jeb.
W: You're wrecking it! (pan out to theme restaurant)

All in all, no one is going to agree on this movie. Some will say it's too hard on Bush (tee) and some are going to say that it wasn't hard enough (tee hee). But I think we can all agree that this movie comes in DVD form and has an FBI warning.

Thank you for taking the time to read my review.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

How Changeling Could Have Been Less Miserable

This movie was miserable.

It starts out in 1928 where Angela Jolie is a woman on roller skates. This is foreshadowing for how happy and care free this movie is. She wears the roller skates at work where, apparently, OSHA has yet to come into existance.

Her job is to patch telephone calls to other telephone calls, as you do if you're a woman in the…before 1994.

See, the movie is about female empowerment, and what better way to show it than casting a woman with lips as big as trampolines and a flair for roaming the Earth for orphans.

Soon, we realize this woman is the mother of a boy she likes to neglect. Leaving him home while she goes to work overtime (I'm assuming to buy more children or roller skates), the child is abducted by the Joker.

Seriously, the guy turns out to be the Joker. If you don't believe me watch the last half hour or so.

With her child gone, the woman is distraught, so she roams the Earth stealing children.

No, that doesn't happen, but it's Jolie and you can totally see that happening, so let's just go with that.

She's saved all this money up from overtime and not paying for daycare that she's totally set to make a worldwide journey nabbing children in revenge for the Joker's abduction of her own child.
She makes her way around the globe and this is when the movie goes musical:

I am a woman of worth
I neither like conception or birth
I will pick my children from all over the Earth

Whether Japanese or Crete
Whether African or Filip
I will collect them all
From May until Fall
As I see fit

For you see a doll won't do
I need the real thing
Just like you (as she snatches an Armenian)
And the land will love me
The press will hug me
For all the love I give
This is how a proper woman should live

So, she continues snatching children, but her shenanigans catch the attention of another globe trotter – Santa Claus. He's noticed that he's making more and more deliveries around the Los Angeles area, and less and less in third world countries. So, he starts to wonder whether there is some sort of crisis. That's when he runs into Jolie in Zimbabwe and puts two and two together and discovers one dirigible sized pair of lips.

So, Santa has it out with her how globalization is ruining cultures and she's the spokesperson for it. But she counters with her lips and Santa goes all mooshy and she takes off into the sky on his sleigh. Now she's got real freedom to globetrot.

Well, the movie goes on and there's more singing as the children begin to question Jolie's real motives and find that she's either insane from the Joker stealing her child, or so in love with her own lips that she's harvesting the children for skin grafts.

Of course the latter is true.

This piques the interest of the Joker, who is also into big lips. He decides that his chicken coop of children is but a pittance compared to Jolie's virtual Neverland, so he decides to hunt her down and take over her child farm.

Well, who should he meet on the way: Santa. Now Santa doesn't like the Joker's children killing policy, but he sure as hell isn't going to be able to stop him until he has his sleigh back.

So, an unholy alliance is made and the hunt for Jolie is on!

They track her down to Tripoli, where she is stealing Qaddafi's grandchildren. The General finds the trio in his living room and goes ape. He calls security forces and Santa tries to explain himself to Muslims, which really pisses them off, so they begin firing.

Santa, shot to all hell falls to the ground, where Jolie uses his body for armor. Joker isn't having this, so he picks up a gun and begins firing at Jolie/Santa. Eventually, Joker is shot in the chest, but manages to escape in a helicopter Dick Cheney has flown in for absolutely no reason.

Jolie makes it out of the compound, ditches the husk of Santa and the final scene is Jolie holding a Joker card.

Good God this would be rad!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Randy the Truck Driver

Randy pulled into the truck stop and opened up his cooler, took out a V8 and drank deeply. It was a long haul from Mira Loma to Spokane. He would need all the power of the vegetable drink to stay awake. That and his bag of cocaine.

Randy was just near San Francisco when he decided to stop the truck and catch some Z's. But first he needed some milk, so he stopped into a truck stop and was approached by a small boy. "Does that truck turn into a robot?"
Randy asked the boy.

When Randy woke up it was near midnight. He had lost 9 hours he would never get back, unless he got two of those 5-hour energy things.

It was early morning and the beauty of Nevada made Randy pause.
Pause to realize he was going the wrong way that is.

Back in California, Randy figured he'd lost a good day of driving. He could only make this time up if he drove without sleep for another day. He'd done it many times, but this time, he'd have to drive without sleep with a large walrus in the passenger's seat.

When Randy pulled into the diner, he got some pretty fishy looks. He was tired, he knew this, but what he didn't know was that he pulled into the diner in the literal way.

Before long the cops had come and Randy had to explain his situation. "What with the walrus and all."
"What walrus?"
"The one that drove the truck into the diner."
"That walrus can drive!"

Before long, Randy had sold the driving walrus to the police and left the diner a free man. A calm came over Randy as he realized he would not get the shipment to the destination on time. He'd take a cut in pay, but it would be well worth it to get a good night's sleep. He let his eyes drift and slept. He dreamed of the driving walrus and how much fun they had driving Sea Monkeys cross country.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Obama's Speech to Progressives

Thank you. Thank you.
Almost four months ago, you, the American people, elected I President. I ran on a banner of change. And I am here to say change has come.
From the halls of Chicago, to the streets of D.C., I have come to change the platform I ran on.
Folks, it's cool to be a progressive when you're young or poor, but think about I.
Today I would like to take a moment of silence to first thank our former President George W. Bush for the bridges he built that let I stand before you here today and say this Fuck Progressives.
That's right. From your Michael Moore's to your guy in the front row who security is escorting out, your time is over.
Much like the Sith Lord and his apprentice, Dick Cheney and I are still running the show. And let me say this – quit blogging my website for legalized marijuana.
And quit asking about stem cells, wiretaps, executive privilege and Bagram.
With the economy in the pooper, and crime souring, it is time you accept that your son or daughter will be in Bagram or serving in our new People's Corps where they will toil days and nights painting the outside of the CDC.
The days of milk and honey are over and we need to all do our part to pitch in and make certain that you continue to pay for I and my colleague's mistakes.
Hope must be earned.
Sure, you may have lost your job and feel slighted by bailouts to companies that aren't even technically American, but we can't get through this thing divided. No, we must continue to be united under I. Whether you be working at GM in Detroit, Russia, or China.
And let me say to those of you who would protest – we will lock you up.
I hope that this message reaches each and everyone of you, as I Blackberry it to your phones that I have already tapped, let no man feel his government owes him anything, and let that man continue to be owned by his government. That is owned with a P, folks.
So, to conclude, Earth, Wind, and Fire will perform for my daughters in a private room that you aren't invited to.
God bless America!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Some Short Stories About Oranges

Violence Breaks Out on My Desk

Earlier this morning, an orange and a bag of cookies were shot on my desk.
Witnesses explained that the fight broke out over a large container of hand lotion.
A can of V8 related the story to the phone "I don't know what started it, but the bag of cookies was laying near the big lotion dispenser, when the orange rolled by. The next thing I knew, the bag of cookies had pulled a gun and was firing. I moved out of the way, and by the time I had managed to pull myself out of the monitor cords, the orange and the bag of cookies were dead."
The phone has told me that other witnesses to the crime included desk fan, Ipod, and cup of coffee. A tablet of paper was injured, but not critically.

The Overbearing Waiter

George and Greg sat down at the Brewery for a beer.
They began to chat as two menus slowly rose from behind the other side of the table.
"What the fuck?" Greg asked.
"Menus?" It was the overbearing waiter. He was slowly emerging. "Hello, my name is Renault. I'll be your waiter.
George said "OK, good. Could I just get a Budweiser."
"Sure. And for you?" The waiter asked Greg.
"Bud Light."
"Awesome, I'll be right back." The waiter then slowly lowered himself down the side of the table until he was out of view.
"What the fuck was that about?" Greg asked.
"That's the overbearing waiter, he's here all the time."
"What's his problem?"
"I don't know. I guess a guest once choked to death on –"
"I'm back." It was Renault. "Two Buds. One sans calories." He smiled.
The two men took their drinks. The waiter stayed put and watched the men. George motioned to Greg to sip his beer and he did.
"How is the draft?" Renault asked.
"Um, great." Greg said.
"Splendid." And with that, the waiter slowly descended before crawling back to the bar out of sight.
"Dude! That is fucking crazy."
"You're telling me."
"Man. Say, you ever wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake? Would they make you pay your bill?"
George asked "You mean here?"
"I mean anywhere. I mean, you wouldn't –"
"Of course not. In fact, you'd probably be provided with free food until emergency support comes." It was Renault again. "So, have you fellas decided on food yet?"
"Nah. Not yet." Greg said.
The waiter continued to wait until George nudged Greg and they both began looking over their menus.
"Uh, the bacon burger."
"Most excellent.
Soon the burgers arrived.
"How is everything?"

"How are we doing?"

"Could I –"
"Dude, fuck off!"
"Any mustard or Ranch?"
"Seriously, I just want to eat in peace."
"Would you like a finger bowl?"
"Please. For the love of God go away."
"Any more drafts?"

Before anyone had a chance to do or say anything else, the orange rolled out and shot them all.


What time is it?

Your Stimulus Bill is Fershit

Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, this is Ray Davies, South Carolina. I just wanted to call and say your stimulus bill sucks some major dick there, fella.
You got all this garbage about infrastructure and redoing the CDC and shit, but you got no game. You got no tax cuts or shit that would work to trickle them dollars down, fool.
I wrote about nine stimulus bills last Saturday that would run circles around your shit. Like this one:
A) Make a moon lander
B) Take moon lander to moon
That's some fucking stimuli right there, pal. You just got all this shit about THAT ORANGE HAS A GUN!!!!

The Back Massager, They Called Him

He walked in through the door and immediately a shudder ran through the room.
We'd heard stories about him and what he'd done down in HR. But now he was here.
All but the bravest women crouched low to avoid the steely glance he passed across the cubes.
You can never see it coming - just who he will pick. His eyes fell on a new woman to the department. She lowered her head and that just made his hunger stronger. Never expose the shoulders.
Before anyone had a chance to say anything, he was upon her.
"Hey, how's your day?" The hands fell on her shoulders and began moving in unison to bring about the kind of comfort that only exists after pulling a knife from a wound or puking up that ninth shot of Jaegermeister.
The woman sobbed.
"Gosh, this is such a great cube. Is that your son?" Every word was excentuated with the vigorous rubbings only the Back Massager could supply.
His inane conversation bleated on; no one was safe from this vile fallout from the massagings. "That Transformers movie sure is something!" He exclaimed to absolutely no one before he'd pause and talk in a low voice to the victim.
"Do you like that? Does that feel good?" Before getting back to "I wish I could transform!"
There's some things on Earth that shouldn't be…

Riots Swarm My Desk After Shooting

Kelly, I'll tell you, this is the worst I've ever seen. As you can see, the computer monitors have been smashed and cords litter the desk as angry cookies and oranges take to the cubicle.
As we've come to understand, orange and cookie activists are angry to learn that a bag of cookies and an orange were shot on the desk earlier by a plastic container of blueberries. A spokesman for the blueberries has said that the shooting was in self defense, but the lotion dispenser tells another story.
"We had just gotten done being stationary on the desk, when the orange rolled by to say hi. Out of nowhere, the blueberries began shooting at the three of us. The can of V8 and I cowered behind the monitors. It was awful. Just awful. When are the blueberries gonna start acting like blueberries and not common pencil sharpeners?"
Horrible story. The desk is still crowded with beverages, food items, paper, and pens and pencils. Officials say that they recommend anyone, including coupons for local restaurants, stay in their drawers.

Some Sci Fi Stuff...apologies to Burroughs, Herbert, Asimov...

My apartment rests on a large ET landing strip.
Millions of years ago, alien ships would ferry small families to live in what is now underground my studio.
Their plans were much like those of early American settlers: mining.
They mined for a substance off the Earth until it was no more, and consequently killed off the dinosaurs.
The substance was used to feed our very large alien visitors. It only took tiny doses cut with vegetation to support their dirigible sizes. But the richer value lay in the substance's beneficial qualities to hive mind populations: telekinesis, ESP, etc.
On their home planet, the substance had been mined away and they had left to go trolling after what might still linger nearby.
After they had mined it off our planet, the visitors left to find another source. Eventually, the substance returned to our planet with a great comet impact and now resides near the Earth's core.
Sometime around 1900, our friends returned when their scanners revealed the substance had returned. After fifty years the visitors returned in larger numbers and with many other species ready to exploit the planet for their own gain.
But now humans posed a challenge.
Finding an intelligent species that would put up a fight, they decided to decimate the population. Any large strike on the planet would not hold well with the powers that kept the law in the galaxy. Therefore, a species of alien was used to infiltrate our many governments to slowly exterminate the human race through more subtle methods.
A great war was first introduced to man and very, relatively, small populations were killed off in an exercise to see how such a plot might be pulled off. Such a plot found major problems and was rethought.
The Bomb was then introduced, not to eliminate the humans, but to control them under a two party world government.
This was a major victory.
Control became the primary objective.
When the mining ships are to finally arrive, some 100 years from now, the populace will welcome them via the conditioning received.
This plot then moved down to religion, race, and nation states. History was soon rewritten to reflect the new power scheme and implanted into humans with key visits to humans that were more in tune with the substance. These "special cases" could link any information the aliens fed them to other humans around the globe.
But there were other agents.
The Galactic Empire had been sent rumor of the plot and sent their own men to investigate and stay on the Earth as peacekeepers.
Most were bought.
The few that were not were cut off from all communications and pronounced dead. Those few that survived carried out a defensive battle by implanting "select cases" with the truth of the invasion.The result was a great schism in humanity. What we find 30 years later is a mass culture of schizophrenia.

Friday, February 20, 2009

My Friend Ice Cube

Ice Cube was on the set of his new movie Mayonnaise Castles, and was approached by a small duck that was part of the film. Ice Cube said "Hey, duck." And the duck nodded back.

Ice Cube was over at my house the other day. We were gonna go to Ikea for breakfast, but he arrived late and they don't serve breakfast after 10. I was like WTF? Ice Cube just shook his head and said "My dryer's broke." I felt bad.

Ice Cube used to tell me that what he most regrets is not becoming an architect. I told him that his music and movies have made a lot of people happy, but he just stared at his hands and exclaimed "I coulda been designing supports for the next Sears Tower!"

Ice Cube called me the other day and was down again. He told me that he had a dream that he was watching penguins run a restaurant. They were all shuffling about making food and seating other penguins, but they all had coke problems. I told Ice Cube that life was like that.

I was driving down the street the other day and I saw Ice Cube on the corner eating some popcorn and told him to hop in. I said "Hey, you got popcorn" and he just grinned. He told me to drop him off at Safeway and I did. That's just Cube for ya – grinning and eating popcorn.

Ice Cube once told me that the way to succeed was to believe not only in yourself, but the people around you. I told Ice Cube that I believed in him and he started crying. Ice Cube can be emotional.

Ice Cube invited me to a BBQ last summer and I brought macaroni salad. Ice Cube told me that he already had some, but it was OK that I brought some more. This made me cry. Ice Cube can do that to you.

I was jogging the other day with Ice Cube and we were talking about the stimulus package and he was listing all these figures about how it wouldn't really help anything. Pretty soon we were both tired and stopped to get snow cones. I ate mine too fast and got an ice cream headache. Cube goes – "See, that's what that stimulus package is going to do."
Cube, you old sage!

When I turned 30, Ice Cube showed up at my house dressed as a pizza delivery man, but instead of pizza, he had brought a couple of boxes filled with bacon bits. I have to say, Cube knows my style.

So, this one time I needed to fix the toilet because it was running and Ice Cube was over. I was about to call a plumber when Cube told me he could fix it. Well, what he did was just pour a bunch of Gatoraide mix into the tank and started flushing it and exclaiming "Like that! Like that! Like that!" That's when I began to suspect either Cube or I were nuts.

One thing you have to know about Ice Cube is that he loves milk shakes. So, we were out this one time and we went to this diner and he ordered a milk shake. Soon, the waiter came back and told us that they were out of ice cream. So, me and Cube went out to the 7-11 next door and bought some ice cream and brought it back to the diner and Cube's all like "Now can we have a milkshake?" and the guy at the diner was like "No."

Ice Cube and I once had a contest to see who could drink the most V8. We just kept laughing and going "It's only 30 calories."

Ice Cube, if you don't know, owns the world's largest Millennium Falcon replica in the world. You could practically live in it, except for all the pigeons that he has living in there already.

Another thing about Cube is that he's a falconer. He learned at an early age in the streets of Compton. He'd falcon people for jewelry, but then give it back and they'd be really impressed and give him a donation for his falconing school. I think it was called Falcon College.

One time I was drunk and got in a fight with my wife and really made a mess of things. So, finally she goes "Call Cube." And I did. Ice Cube then fixed my marriage with these four words "Fuck off, I'm sleeping."

For Valentines day, I invited Ice Cube over to have dinner with me and my wife and his falcon. The dinner was really good, but the falcon really made a mess of things and we ended up having to get tetanus shots.

Ice Cube once called me the most important man of this century. But it was like one second into the twenty first century, so it was like whatever.

Ice Cube wrote a movie called Mayonnaise Castles about this kid who never lived by a beach, so he made sand castles out of Mayonnaise. It was heart warming. In the end, the mayonnaise goes bad and the kid has to go to college.

If I could name my favorite rapper/actor, it wouldn't be Ice Cube, but he'd be up there, even though I'm buds with him and all, that doesn't mean I have to lie.

One night I drove by Ice Cube's house and he was struggling with a polar bear on his lawn. It was hella late, so I just drove by. But the next day I called and he was all right, but the polar bear was still on his lawn. So, he asked me if I wanted to fight it for ten bucks. I was like no way. But he insisted. So, I went over to Cube's house and fought the polar bear, but Cube had to break it up when my leg was severed. That was a day to remember!

Once Ice Cube and I just ate cherry Danishes and bet who would shit their pants first. Cube won.

Ice Cube has never written a rap song about me, but I wrote one about him. It was called Rainbow Moon Shadow and it feat. MC Commodore Computer Sound Effects.

I guess what I'll miss most about Ice Cube is the way he would bake pies in the summer. Anyway, I'm sad to see you leave the neighborhood, Cube.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

How to Cold Call

To know one's self is to know one's world. You think you can live without the world, and you probably can; but can the world live without you?
Let me ask you, how old are you?
Right, life ahead of you and all that. But think about this – 1 in 4 people are killed by genocide. It's a fact. Google it. Do you think those odds are on your side? May I ask you what ethnicity you are?
OK. And religion?
Alright. How about this – are you gay?
K. I apologize. You did say you were married. But think about this - Planet of the Apes. You think that was just a movie – even WASPs like you can be killed for sport.
But let's forget all that, what about natural disasters? The other day a piece of metal slammed into a lumberyard from outer space. So, you're walking along and you think you're good because you're genocide proof then - BOOM you get hit in the head by space metal.
But space metal is nothing compared to the awesome strength of hurricanes or tornadoes or earthquakes.
Where do you live?
Oklahoma? You should be dead right now. In fact, I'm talking to a dead person right now! Hello, dead guy, how's the afterlife?
So, keeping in mind you're about to die, what do you think is going to happen to your wife?
Yes, I see, if you get killed in a freak storm, she'll probably die too. But what if she doesn't? What if a piece of metal slams into her head and renders her brain dead? Who will pay the medical?
Exactly. Now do you understand why you need life insurance? Sure, I'll hold.
What were you doing?
Talking to the wife? What's the verdict, I really want you to protect your family today!
I see, and why not?
With who?
Good God! Ameritex is just about the worst life insurance around. I bet you they sold you that death and dismemberment shit? That's bush league. Our insurance covers death, dismemberment, decapitation, nuclear war, alien invasion, zombies – the gambit. In fact, if you are beaten to death with your own phallus, we have you covered.
I didn't curse.
Look, I know that you think you can get by with one policy, but think about this – you die in a tornado and your wife is struck with a hammer and is brain dead. Everyone's looking for your policy to pay for your wife's medical treatment. You put it in a safe. But the safe is lost in the tornado – I'm your backup guy. I have the other policy for you. You have two in case one goes missing. It just makes sense.
Yes it does.
K, look, I'll throw in an insurance policy on your wife. That way, you're covered if she gets killed in the tornado or is beaten with a penis.
I see. Well, I guess there's nothing else to say, Ted. You fucked up. You got that shitty life insurance from Ameritex that is gonna cover fuckall and you're probably gonna leave your wife whoring for medical bills because you were too cheap to adequately cover her.
Of course they do! 1 in 3 hookers are just women that lost their husbands and have medical bills piling up. Look at your wife. Now imagine her being paid for sex. Is that what you want?
K. I'll hold.
So, you believe your wife when she says she won't whore for medical bills? I guess you got me there. Your wife is above whoring for her health. I guess every other woman out there is somehow beneath your wife and you happened to get the one that doesn't whore when push comes to shove. I guess she's just the purest – yes, I'll hold.
Really? Offended? You have to be kidding. You are just being rational. What's more important, her self esteem or her life? Ask her. I'll hold.
No, you don't have to go.
Yes, I can hear her. She sounds absolutely pissed. You know what I'm thinking – you need homicide insurance. She's just about to lose it, man. You can't let her whore for money after she kills you in a blind rage, can you?
Yes. 542 –
Two oh? Ted, I can't hear you. What are the last digits of the card?Thanks Ted!


Republicans in the hizzie.

There's so much wrong with this.

Free tacos at Jack in the Box.

Free Hummer T-Shirt and gearshift cozy.

Wise Shitashi.

Pictures of water on Mars.

Hitler youth.

Bacon cheeseburger. Once I was in a trailer and the oven wasn't working, so we made toasted cheese with two Boboli crusts. It was so awesome I can't tell you. We were stoned to the bejesus and began forming plans to follow bands around and sell it. I'm not a kook.
Life imitating a dumbish TV show. Yes, folks, 30 Rock is crap. It could be good, but it just fails. I blame the hag Tina Fey.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Recipe for a Disaster

Major Disaster


This is a long recipe with many steps. Do not let that stop you. I have found most disaster recipes to be straightforward even though long.

This recipe uses the concept of a party to create the disaster; don't be afraid to use any other social event – funeral, bar mitzvah, or wedding.

I give you three choices for dependency problems, but any drug will fit as long as your victim really, really needs it.


Awkward Beginning

Two guests you don't know that well

False Start


Utterly Unprepared and Wasted

Groups of friends of friends
Angry Neighbor

Out into the Night

No Money

The Real Disaster

Too few cabs
No sense of direction
No fear
Claw hammer
Drug dealers
Unforeseen violence


Another disaster

Akward Begining

An awkward beginning to a party is the real crust of a disaster. It's important to have a good 20% of your guests be friendly acquaintances that you only see at other people's parties. Ideally, one of these guests will show up first and help you wait for the other guests to arrive. Even better is if the guest is a couple, so they both can watch you explain over and over that the rest of the party will be there any time and exchange looks of disbelief or motions towards the door.
At this point it is in the disaster's best interest that you talk to them about anything that pops into your head. Some good talking points are politics, religion, and minorities.

False start

Because you are so nervous about these two guests leaving/feeling bored with only you to entertain them, it's about now that you break out the alcohol. But, of course, you've already been drinking, so to become even more comfortable, you break out the drugs. Your disaster will only get worse if you know that the couple are hard core drug users, rehabilitated users, religious, or off duty policemen. However, most likely, they will just be a normal couple and one of them will experiment with you. This doesn't sound too bad, until you realize the other one is angered that their significant other is now doing drugs with you. This will incite your paranoia off of the cocaine and without your E high kicking in yet, you will lock yourself in the bathroom while the couple fights in your rec room and you field chilling calls from everyone who can't make it short notice.

Utterly Unprepared and Wasted

The perfect storm is to have the couple fight in your home for hours on end as no one shows up and the E kicks in in this negative environment. However, your disaster will probably not be this perfect. At this point, you will begin receiving guests, but where you had none, you will now have too many as friends have invited friends and the pizza rolls and potato chips thin out in a matter of minutes. You run to the store to pick up more food, but you are drunk and beginning to peak on ecstasy and this leads to starting conversations with homeless people and feeling flower petals as ruffians at your home start a fight and anger a neighbor who comes by your pad and ends up punched in the face. A call from the neighbor informing you of assault charges on the way to being pressed snaps you out of touching grapes in the produce section of Safeway and leads you running back to your apartment in only your boxers and undershirt.

Out into the night

You return to find several strangers outside your apartment talking about a fight upstairs and watch as toilet paper descends from your windows down onto the street. You decide to leave the mess behind and head out in a cab full of strangers to a bar 10 blocks away. On showing up at the bar, you realize the strangers have no interest in hanging out with you and you have no money, because you are in your underwear. You walk back home and get cat calls from homeless people that half an hour ago were your best friend but now just call you fresh fish.

The real disaster

You begin trying to flag down cabs, but there are none in this part of town. You become scared and paranoid as the drugs and booze leave your system and you try to buy crack off the nearest homeless man. But there's no crack to be had and you become more and more lost in a city that just this morning was your local neighborhood and is now some ghetto from the movie Brazil. Eventually, you find your way home. A smaller group of strangers is outside your apartment and they inform you that the cops have come and gone twice and are looking for you. They have evacuated your apartment and locked the door and you have no keys. You suggest climbing up to the sliding glass door on the drainage pipe. A beautiful woman is up to the challenge, and you both head up the pipe. On reaching the porch, you find that the slider is also locked and the woman suggests you climb across the building to her apartment to fetch a claw hammer to break into the apartment. And you do. On coming back to the apartment, the woman falls 30 feet to the ground below and shouts ring out as you call 911 whilst bashing your slider open in a desperate attempt to make it all go away with the drugs you've left in your apartment. But your drugs have been stolen along with your booze, TV, computer, valuables, etc. You call your drug dealer. The drug dealer shows up just before the cops and thinks you've set him up. You end up being beaten with a claw hammer as cops pull your drug dealer off of you. Soon, you are arrested.


A parent is called for bail, a court date is set, and soon you are spending six months in a rehabilitation center. You get well, land another job (after being fired 9 months before) and begin picking your life back up. Soon you are in your apartment drinking again and filling out the Evite for what will definitely be your worst disaster ever.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

How to Lose Weight Eating Fruit

I've been eating more fruit lately. I think eating fruit could save the world. You figure with all the heat generated by big fat asses, you'd really cool the world down with a few less. But does fruit really heal the fat? It's hard to say. Fruit contains a lot of sugar, and therefore, you know – bad.
My fruit eating began the other day, and I have to say I suffered for my pilgrimage into the produce section. It was like introducing spider monkeys to a box of kittens. My stomach just couldn't handle the fruit.
Soon, I was accustomed to the fruit, but had a hard time figuring out how to eat it. It took a few days to figure out how to open a banana, for instance. Apparently, the tops don't screw off, which was my initial guess. Also, some fruit is hard on the teeth. When you've been smoking and living off cola as long as I have, one hard bite and you're wearing dentures. So, I had to learn to cut the fruit up.
Then there was the taste. Fruit tastes great, but I'm more of a savory person, so I had to get used to the sweet tang (not that kind) that would saturate my mouth and bring about canker sores. So, I had to learn to cut the fruit with some sort of grit. I went with granola.
Then there was the whole procedure of putting a meal together. With a burrito, you just put it into a microwave and hit "1". Not with fruit. You need to cut it up, and entertain your taste buds with a medley of it in order to enjoy a multitude of flavors. An apple on its own is just an apple, if you gather. So, I had to go out and get a set of knives. And a cutting board. And a spoon.
This fruit eating business was getting expensive.
Eventually, I got it down to a hard science, and I can tell you that I'm eating fruit regularly. Sure, I'm still enormous, but I feel like I'm more in tune with the Earth. Like how the giraffe is one with the Earth because it eats potatoes all day.
I bet you didn't know that?
That's right, giraffes live off potatoes – exclusively. This one time I tried to feed this giraffe Benji a Rolaid, and he wouldn't touch it.
But, back to me.
So, I figured it would also be important for me to eat vegetables. I was kindov under the impression that vegetables were only for rich people and the elderly, but no, vegetables were definitely for me.
I found out that I had actually been eating them all along. Vegetables are in everything! From French fries to tater tots, you eat vegetables all the time if you're like me. In fact, did you know that a tomato is a vegetable?
Trick question there – it's not! It's a fruit!
Which got me thinking – ketchup.
So, if I eat ketchup and fries I'm hitting two food groups right there, buddy. Think about that. And now think about that giraffe and the potatoes – you know I did! The very next day I figured this out I was feeding old Benji French fries and ketchup and he loved them!
He died the next day, but I'm pretty sure it was from the Rolaids I had concealed in the ketchup.
Again, back to me.
So, I was like fuck this fruit business, and I threw out all the melons, berries, and Poptarts – I would stick to a diet of French fries and ketchup. But what about dairy – did someone say cheesey French fries with ketchup?
How about wheat? Beer, baby.
That's a fine food pyramid right there, and when you add bacon for the meat group, you've got yourself a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I eat cheesey bacon French fries with ketchup and drink many a beer and I can tell you, brother, I'm losing mass amounts of weight.
Oh, and cocaine. I've been doing that too.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Fun with Melodies

He started out into the desert. The ground was solid black and lines had been drawn in the soil to mark out large chunks of blackened earth. A cup blew by in the hot sun and he looked up to find that he was in no desert – he was in a parking lot at Burger King.
"Oh, cruel fate, what has lead me here?" He screamed up at the billowing smoke coming from the restaurant.
"Hey, asshole, get off my car!" Came in return. He climbed off the car and apologized, before returning back to the Sidewalk of Hope.
He had been walking the Sidewalk of Hope for eight minutes. It was a long journey from where he started off at the Basement of His Mother's.
Dreams come and go in this world, but he felt that there was something hopeful about this day, but he was wrong. He spent most of it in the 7-11 of Despair, playing video games and eating hotdogs.
Sure, you can't expect much from a sixteen year old, but that doesn't mean we should expect him to entertain himself with packets of Irish Cream sweetner and Ninja Gaiden.
The next day, August 11, 1989, he set out again, this time on the Trail of Thunder, which was a small garden trail that lead into the Woods of Wonderment. In the Woods of Wonderment, our hero met a bear named Jack. He rode the bear around for awhile, looking for the Princess of the Wood, but found only that he had been hit over the head by some local bullies and was in the throws of a Severe Head Trauma.
Soon a local boy found our hero on the ground and kicked him for awhile, before deciding that he could be implicated in the Severe Head Trauma.
Running to his mother, the boy declared "There's a dead man in the woods and I thought he was alive, so I was kicking it and it was dead, but I didn't do it. I didn't kick him that hard and"
The boy's mother decided her son was coming down with a cold or some illness that produces hallucinations. So, our hero stayed in the Woods of Wonderment until he quietly died from wounds from a Badger of Malice.
The point of the story is that you never know what life will hand you. Also that Ninja Gaiden was an awesome game in 1989.
Oh, and that nacho cheese hot dogs at 7-11 were also awesome – but you knew that.
While we're running at the mouth, let's visit Sarah, the Grandmother Who Cared Too Much.
Sarah lived alone most of her life, and in those years she had become quite fond of CARING TOO MUCH.
For example, she went to the grocery store every day, not to shop, but to put back all the carts. When asked why she did it, she would exclaim "I have no family of my own!"
Did this mean she thought of the grocery carts as her family? Hard to tell. But it is told that she would name the carts and could accurately name the same cart the same name within the span of a month.
But there's a twist – the grocery carts were really robots. Robots from
The past!
Yes, in 1928, a foolish inventor built the grocery cart years before modern grocery stores and parking lots were ever even thought of. The inventor, in his race against time (he had about 30 years) decided to program the carts using a punch card system imbedded in the shopping carts.
The punch cards were so small, they fit inside the handle of the cart. Well, the cart's used this programming language to slowly become sentient, and they did on March 23, 2003. That's right after Sarah named her carts. So, in a way, Sarah was psychic.
That's a lot to swallow, but let's run through the basic points:
Sarah cares too much
Shopping carts are sentient
Sarah is psychic

Now, imagine if you will if Sarah also predicted that ants would one day rule the Earth?

Was Sarah right? Turn to page 29
Was Sarah wrong? Turn to page 39
Am I a lazy writer? Turn to page YES!

Some Sage Advice for the Kids

Remember that GM owns plants in Russian and Chrysler in Europe. These are NOT American companies. Meanwhile, Asian companies own plants in the Southern states of America. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BUY AMERICAN.

We fucked up, so you help put America back together while we continue to bailout monsters.

Good God!

Free hot chocolate.

Free herbal thingy????

Focus group – make money.

Real Change: the Supreme Court is Still Conservative.

Deport him.

Funniest thing on the net in years.

Good move. Churchill was also into gassing Indian separatists before the schism in India.

Some things you should know about Facebook.

Trent Reznor producing new Jane's Addiction album? Also tour together? Start buying your drugs now.

Look around here.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

News and Views

CNN has "TWO SATELLITES COLLIDE 500 MILES UP" with "DEBRIS KILLS WOMAN ON WAY TO FUNERAL". I'm too lazy to photo shop it, but this could be one of those foreshadowing moments.

Circle of Life.

This is how globalism works. Think underwater cables.

Inglorious Basterds trailer and photos. The trailer is dull. This may be the last straw with Tarantino. Everything since Jackie Brown has been so-so.

Review of Watchmen. No black freighter: gay. No squid ending: cool. Sally Jupiter naked: awesome.

Interactive symptom checker.

Football players are illiterates.

Bastard dog.

Joaquin Phoenix all fucked up on Letterman. This is drugs, folks. I can spot them any time. Although, Letterman used the word "Tremendous" to describe a person and got annoyed at gum chewing like an old man – so…
Seattle gives Obama a drug Czar dude…person…guy.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'm Hatching a Plan

I'm hatching a plan.
From this day forward, I will look back on today as that day before tomorrow.
I'm hatching a plan.
This will be nothing like my Nothing – In – The – Box or my full frontal nudity pictures of condors. No, this will be the plan that fulfills all of my dreams.
What dreams, ask you? Well, let me say that they begin and end with marble floors and fondue parties in the street.
The plan will begin today when I take a loan from the bank in order to begin hatching my plan. Under reason for loan I will write "Plan Hatch". It's safe to say they'll give me the money – for did I mention, I will be wearing my shirt tucked in.
Once I've obtained my loan, the hatching will begin. A plan is a lot like an egg in that it needs to be incubated until it matures and then the hatching can begin.
What will spring forth, I know not yet, but it could be part of your deepest dreams. Like, say, something that will involve making you happy?
Did I mention I'm positive that BBQ sauce will play a roll? Well, it won't, so I hope you didn't go thinking you could hatch my plan on your own.
That's the point of this plan, it must be hatched by me. Like the momma swan in the fertile valley of hatchings, I must be the sole provider of warmth and nourishment.
The plan, once hatched, will then suckle at my teet.
But there are others who are hatching plans. And some who steal plans, like the infamous mammals that stole dinosaur eggs and ate them and then bombed the Earth with nuclear weapons so that they could take over the Earth and hatch more plans until humans could walk the Earth and hatch plans of their own.
Like my plan that's in the hatching.
If you're reading this now and are taking this as some form of egg that you can take and hatch on your own, be forewarned – I will hatch it back from you. And then I'll probably use it against you.
In fact, my plan is now hatched and it involves hatching any plans you have. So, lets say you decided to build a go cart. Well, let's just say I've just ran to the store to buy some nuts and bolts and am the new owner of three small tires.
Sure, change your plan and decide to make nachos. It matters not, I will hatch your plan before you can get to it. Because I know you and I know the types of plans you hatch and if you think you're gonna hatch any behind my back and take credit for them when I could have easily hatched them myself – think again.
Well, excuse me, I have some hatching to do.

News and Views

Bear police

List of countries and states and how important religion is to them. Luckily, Washingtonians could give a fuck about flying super heroes in the sky.

Check out questions 19 and 20.

Get out the duct tape.

Wireless electricity.

Philip Dick finds religion.

UFO vid.
Dead soft drink museum. I don't remember Pepsi's Wild Bunch at all. Orbitz was disgusting. Made me feel like what I would imagine the losing end of a blow job would.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Some Sage Advice for the Kids

Most people don't realize this, but growing up is a lot easier than you would believe. A lot of people will tell you that "Life's a bitch" and that you need to "Keep truckin'" and "Don't leave the seat up", but the truth is, growing old is not so bad.
When I was younger I used to think that growing up was all hard and you had to pay bills and work and stuff. But that's just not true.

The majority of illnesses you will catch are as a child. Like AIDS and herpes.

Your parents seem cruel now, but wait till you get older. They will be a lot more lenient, like when you want to borrow their car or throw a party in the garage.

The average kid spends most of his or her time listening to music and doing drugs. That's just a fact. I'm just throwing that one out there.

When I was young it was seen as cool to question the government. Kids these days can actually just log on to a web site and email their government. So, you have it much better than we did, just standing around the White House going "Hey, government, what the hell?" It was stupid.

A lot of teachers will play that game with you where they try to show you how you need math in real life. They are lying. You don't need math. I haven't used math for – oh, great, finally I need math.

Love is the best thing you'll ever find on this Earth. But it can also be the worse. Like that time I loved with a tube of Ben Gay. Talk about burning!

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, I'll tell you what: WHAMO!

Always use protection. I don't care if you're just going to work, you put a condom on!

Vote. I can't stress this enough. Many young people think that governments work without their help, but they're wrong. They need you to vote. You don't even need to go to the polls – just make your voice heard. Last election, I mouthed "Obama" while cutting lettuce and that seemed to work. So, just make sure you knock on wood or something.

You can't lose if you quit. I'm not sure if I made that one up or not, but I can't be bothered to make sure.

Hot dogs – you'll never grow out of them.

I've never done acid, but I hear it can be fun. Maybe go try it? I don't know.

Drugs will get you no where in life, but you can pretend you're someone for as long as the high lasts.

Don't ever date a hooker.

If you kill a person, never return to the scene of the crime. Even if you dropped your wallet. Just tell everyone that your wallet did it.

Police can spot a lie on your face. If you need to lie to a cop, always make sure you're wearing a surgical mask and sunglasses.

A good way to fake people out and make them think you're looking them in the eye when you're lying to them is to look at their eyebrows. Until you get bored, then just move farther up the head. Once you get to the hair you've gone too far.

Ending any command with "Buster" will get you respect.

A lot of people ask me about vegetarians and I tell everyone the same thing: I've never met one I liked, but maybe you'll have better luck.

I guess the class that I've most used in my life is Home Economics. Every night you'll be using a microwave, unless you're rich.

Drugs are fun when you're a kid, but they get more legal when you grow up. Like, the other day I had a bloody nose and I called my doctor and I was able to get some valium to sleep it off.

There is always time to achieve your goals. My father is 62 and he just took up fly fishing.

Some people will not like you because of your attitude or your clothing or the way you look. That's gonna continue throughout your entire life. You should accept it now and stop being a baby about. You could change, but you won't. So, you know, get off my lawn.

So you threw some firecrackers at a dog and now you have to do time – don't let that discourage you. Jail is just another road mark on the railway to adulthood.

Someone once wrote you can never go back home – that's a lie. You can go back home a lot. And at home your Mommy will hook you up with food and free rent and there's nothing shameful about that and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Money isn't everything – but if you get some, hold on to it and save it and try to make more money from saving that money and then you'll be rich.

Keeping up with old friends is a lot easier now with the information age. Like I could type "Hey, Steve" right here and my buddy Steve Bonneville would instantly know that I'm looking for him.

Just because things are confusing now, doesn't mean that they will get less confusing later. Sure, learning new stuff is great, but do you really think you have that kind of time? You're still gonna die.

A lot of you worry about finding the right someone. It's not very hard if you keep an open heart and an open wallet.

The majority of people living today have grown up. That means, chances are, if you don't die, you'll grow up.

I remember growing up, and I'm still growing, that should tell you a lot about how easy it is to grow up. Seriously, think about it.

Conspiracy Theory

Levi Larrington's Conspiracy Theory

What is a conspiracy theory?

A conspiracy theory is a wide range of interlocking bits of information that you put into a puzzle that normally makes something that looks a bit like reality, but really isn't. Like Tom Brokaw.

Why a conspiracy theory?

Look around the web and you'll find a plethora of conspiracy theories and they all have one thing in common: they charge. If not directly, then indirectly through advertisement. Rush Limbaugh is one big conspiracy corporation. Think about it. Fox News – Same Rules Apply. To a lesser degree, MSN and Huffington Post.

What can YOU get out of my conspiracy theory?

Piece of mind. Look, you're any number of statistics in this country that end up on the cover of USA Today. Some of you may be a few dozen. Why are you fat? Why are you broke? Who's sticking it to you? You'll soon have all the mental tools you need to get through life without having to think for yourself – I'll do the thinking for all of us.

What is the theory?

My conspiracy theory is this: I'm trying to ruin your life. That's right, me. I sold you on this theory and now you're buying every word I say. You even bought my book I Will Screw You. And as far as you know, I am.

How much will this cost me?

Sliding scale.

Are minority groups involved?

They can be. If you would like, for and extra 19.95 a month, I'll give you a list of minorities and you can chose which ones are trying to screw you with my help. I've convinced several hundred people that Eskimos created the Holocaust to hide the growing casino movement in the United States. And that only took me half a second to make up. In fact, I'll throw in my Theory Grid for you to use:


Federal Reserve, WW2, Evolution, The Number 23, Bilderberg, Illuminati


Native Americans, Indians, Jews, Blacks, Whites

You get



I know, it's all a bit much right now. I'm working on the final details, but I will begin with this prediction: I've already started to screw you.

How do I join?

Paypal. Contact me through the comments in this blog and I will give you your top secret password in order to obtain the Player's Club portion of this website. Here you'll learn exactly why, how, and how hard I will screw you. I even give out tips on avoiding me screwing you.


Levi screwed me pretty hard, but I was able to figure out that it was not my fault and with a little help I can track Levi down and figure out his methods in order to avoid being screwed any worse.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Gay Agenda

I, as you know, am a friend of everyone. Recently, a gay friend sent me an article on Sally Kerns.

According to Sally Kern, there is a gay agenda. A gay agenda that will kill you. I did some research and sure enough…

Gay Agenda Notes 3/13/64

- Let it be known that all Grand Gay Wizards were in attendance today
- Grand Gay Wizard (GGW) Pope gave the opening address, which shall begin implementation of our agenda v. world, points follow:

1. Crystal Pepsi: in the next thirty years, we shall implement a chemical recipe to turn Pepsi into a translucent beverage that will hide its true color
2. Create super group Foreigner to provide gay agenda through backwards masking
3. Clone dinosaurs
4. Pave roads
5. Create a superior cataloguing system for libraries
6. Oppress Sally Kern
7. Infiltrate the sport of Football, turn it into Soccer and make it totally gay
8. Create a restaurant that serves creative appetizers at a low cost, call it TGIFridays
9. Send man to moon
10. Be really gay about everything

· Now then, GGW Tibbs pointed out that the TGIFridays idea will need at least 20 years research into appetizers and just which ones can turn you gay. Surprising, mozzarella sticks are very effective, but GGW Jordan pointed out that there are some pretty gay breakthroughs going on with Bloomin' Onions - milestone in turning San Fransico to our side.
· Crystal Pepsi, while an effective bait and switch needs more work in the flavor department, GGW Minstral remarked If we can't get it gay and flavorful, what's the point? More research to follow.
· Many members wondered what being really gay about everything entails. Look at it this way, anything that Senator McCarthy or Byrd does is pretty gay. Vietnam war - gay. Assassinations of JFK, MLK, and RFK - gay. We must mask the superiority of our gayness in ironic use of the word "gay". More literature to follow.
· GGW Foxworth noted that sending a man to the moon doesn't really further our agenda. GGW Dims remarked that with all the poverty in the world, masses of uneducated children roaming Alabama with shotguns looking to kill minorities, and with the modernization of the telescope giving us up close images of the moon; the money that is being wasted on sending a man to the moon – well, you get the idea: Gay.
· What kindov gay music could a band called Foreigner provide? What messages will we send? Let me tell you folks, GGW Fox exclaimed EXPLETIVE 'IN GAY
· Now, while cloning dinosaurs would be pretty cool, it was pointed out that they could be put into a movie about a dino amusement park get it - Gay.
· Also, seeing how paving roads is naturally a non-gay issue, we need to throw something in to throw people off. If everything is gay at face value, we're all gonna look totally gay.
· GGW Tims remarked that Sally Kerns is just a young high schooler. Wrong. Sally Kerns is a menace and if we don't try to oppress her, one day she's going to say a bunch of gay EXPLETIVE about gays and it's gonna be totally gay.
· Libraries - no explanation needed.
· Soccer - it's never been quite gay enough. It always just flirts with gayness, we need to make it more gay.
· Meet back here in 2012 for totally gay end of the world.