Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Some What Ifs

Pumpkins Grew in April

Think about it: those are some mondo Easter eggs. Really, when you think about the pumpkin, its only place is in October. Otherwise, we'd be carving up squash and that would be a total bitch.

Greta Van Susteren is a Blowbot?

K, so in Austin Powers there were Fembots. Now, think of that, but all they do is give blowjobs. The Blowbot is a mythical creature I made up about 15 seconds ago, but you can see how it would be possible to make one. Now, when you see a woman who just spits rapid fire nonsense…turn the knob to reverse – she now sucks rapid fire….

TV Made You Buff

You plant yourself on the couch and slowly, the television pumps muscle into you via your eyes. First your jaw starts expanding, then the neck muscles, all the way down to your feet. You're all ripped from watching Sanford and Son and the gym at work is still fucking empty.

Joseph Lieberman is AIDS

K, many people believe that the CIA created AIDS in the 70s to kill minorities and gays. Lieberman began his political career in the early 80s as AIDS became epidemic and enjoys killing and torturing people.
Now, what better way to spread AIDS than to be a politician? All the hand shaking, the fundraisers, the travel…

Pat Sajak is the Last Wizard

K, so back in the olden days there were wizards. History teaches us that they all died out. Now, think if Pat was the last one. Wouldn't that be brilliant? To hide yourself as a game show host, meanwhile, plotting your revenge? There's a story there.

Iraq was Located Off the East Coast of the United States

This would've been the death knell for Cheney's war. No one wants a war that close. Remember how batshit everyone went when the Japanese attacked Hawaii? We fucking nuked them. People would say "Wait? Iraq? That island off of Plymouth? Let's stop and think about this – why are we attacking them? Check again."

Boogers Were the Exact Same Compound as Cheese

Would we still eat cheese? Or would we start farming our noses? Something to think about. Imagine pizza being made simply by blowing your nose on a piece of bread.

Americans Protested the 2000 Election as Hardcore as the Iranians

You wouldn't be reading this.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Goldfish Boy

It was a quarter to four and Maggie had just left the house to take her fish to the vet.
The man in the dark glasses approached her and asked her for her purse.
She didn't hesitate to relinquish the hand bag, but as she did, she realized Lucky was still in the bag.
She had planned on taking Lucky to the veterinarian to get him fixed. It's not often that goldfish jump their tank and find mates to overpopulate, but Maggie believed the rule of law applied to all animals – not just dogs and cats.
"Lucky!" She yelled after the man.
He stopped and turned. "Do I know you?"
"Is your name Lucky, too?" Maggie asked through sobs.
"No, but I'm lucky." And as the last word left his mouth he was hit by a parked car.
Sure, this defies physics, but the man didn't knock on wood and God watches all.
Maggie scrambled to the body of the man and was able to pull her handbag from his clutches. As she did so, the parked car tugged the man's body towards it and hit him again.
It was gruesome.
"Oh, Lucky!" Maggie screamed when she opened the purse and found her goldfish floating in the bag. She stared at Lucky and he began to swim circles and Maggie began to cry.
Eventually, Maggie called the police and reported the incident. But the police didn't believe a word she said. Not because of the parked car, but because Maggie was notorious for making up stories to tell cops.
She left the body to the vultures (there were like nine of them that hung out at Maggie's apartment because she would feed them cats and dogs she killed to help with the overpopulation problem and appease Bob Barker).
At the vet, the vet vetted Maggie for any sense of humor. Sure, he would fix her goldfish, but he wouldn't be the butt of some cruel joke about how a veterinarian can fix anything.
Never again.
"Let me tell you a little bit about the procedure" the vet began. "We place the fish on a hot rock in an aquarium and hope for the best."
"Won't that boil the water?"
The vet looked at Maggie sternly and asked "Don't you understand physics?"
Maggie then related the story about the parked car to the vet.
"Well, then we'll have to think this through. If physics isn't working at your apartment that is only nine miles away (the vet had slept with Maggie multiple times to show her that fixing an animal really works), then one can only deduce that the psychics in this vary office are off keel. We'll need to pray now."
They both bowed their heads, but this just lead to oral sex and nothing was accomplished.
As Maggie dressed she asked about the fish.
"Well, by my calculations, if the fish wasn't fixed before, and then physics fell apart, then there is a high chance that your fish is now fixed. I suggest you sleep with your fish. If you end up pregnant, then science doesn't work, if you end up not pregnant, then physics doesn't work. Something is not working and we'll get to the bottom of it."
Maggie then went home and slept with the fish. The next morning she felt flush and tired and needed to vomit. Nine months later, she would record a CD at a Palm Beach studio. Spoken word. But that has nothing to do with the fact that Maggie was indeed pregnant and science had also fell apart. With science and physics out the window, Maggie realized she had actually graduated High School. This opened new doors and she was able to get a job at a corporation or something. NEXT: Goldfish Boy.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

This Star Trek Thing Is Fun

I Warned You

When you invited me to this wedding, you invited my drinking problem as well. You should know this about me. That's why I fail to see why you are mad at me. Sure, I beat the photo booth up and threw the pie or cake or whatever at the best man, but the truth of the matter is, you knew who you were dealing with – my drinking problem. I distinctly remember getting an invitation to your wedding and I marked one guest. In parenthesis I put (My drinking problem). You were warned.

This Golf Thing is Fun

Really, all there is to golf is that you have to get out of the cart twice within the space of a beer. It's like being at a bar, only you get to drive. If you're like me, you LOVE drinking and driving, but don't like the whole killing people and ending up in prison part. Well, with golf you can drink and drive all the live-long-day. It was so much fun. I recommend golf to anyone. Sure, you have to get out of the golf cart and hit a ball every once in awhile, but otherwise golf = fun.

One Adult

Yes, that's one adult and one drinking problem.
Sure, I'll wait.
I see. You don't cater to drinking problems? What if I show you my papers? They should all be in order. Here is the license, the registration, and the flask I use to drink in your theater.
You don't serve my kind, huh? Well, you let that guy in with his dog.
I'm gonna BE blind by the time I'm done.
OK. I get it. Well, this is one theater that won't be Patron'd by me, sir!

This Star Trek Thing is Fun

It's true. Star Trek was a great movie. Some things to consider:

1. That bad dude is going to be back. Unless you see his head crushed or his intestines wrapped around his smoldering body, the villain isn't dead. It's just now instead of "KIRK!" it's "SPOCK!"

2. They will probably do some parallel between displaced Jews after WW2 and displaced Vulcans. Look for some race of aliens to play the Palestinians. Maybe Hollywood will teach peace?

3. Has anyone else noticed that the only black person on the Enterprise is named A-whore-a? I mean, c'mon! That's just disrespectful. I mean, sure there's the Scotsman "Scotty" but it's not like they have him in a kilt and name him Drunkora. Sure, Chekov is poor and sells parts of the Enterprise to get his sister out of prostitution in Lithuania, and....forget it.

He Doesn't Have Any Money

What I'm trying to explain is that I didn't order that, nor did I take the beers out of the fridge. It was my drinking problem. Now, seeing as my drinking problem is an entity, like any corporation like the Westin, but not a physical entity, it has no money. What I can do is have my drinking problem work off the tab by assaulting some of your patrons for the amusement of your staff. And if you don't like that, he's pretty good at stand up. Do you have a hotel bar?

This Hotel is Fun

I stayed in a hotel last weekend for my sister's wedding. After a bout of vertigo, I had to change rooms. So, I went down to the desk with my aunt and the woman says
"OK, that's fine. But we don't have any rooms with two beds."
As I stand next to my aunt I state "I only need one bed."
"OK." She looks at my aunt and me. "Well, the only room we have is for special needs. There's no bathtub."
"I don't take baths."
"OK, well, it sometimes freaks people out."
"Whatever."
My aunt and I go to move my stuff to the lower room and find a bathroom that's something out of a high school. There's drains all over the floor and a shower curtain. Then the toilet can only be flushed by pushing a large white panel.
I feel God has been trying to tell me I'm retarded for years.

Showing Up For Work

Yes. It's Levi. I'm not feeling too well, so I won't be at work today. But my drinking problem is going to show up and work my shift. Keep in mind, my drinking problem is not the best labor- oriented guy. He'll probably be late and he'll probably leave early. Also, he's an HR nightmare. Just the other day, my drinking problem showed up to work after lunch and asked a coworker if he could sodomize her. I know, it's disgusting. But, he is my drinking problem and I do love him. So, expect him in around noon. Oh, and I'm sorry about my sexual dysfunction the other night. Sometimes my drinking problem gets too drunk and has my sexual dysfunction take care of the ladies. I really need to get my drug problem in on this one. He's got pills that make my sexual dysfunction go away. Anyway, I should be in tomorrow.

This Wedding is Fun

Word to the wise: be very careful about bringing your own booze to a wedding. We had some stashed in the bachelor's room and we got busted. I received a stern lecture from the wedding coordinator. You would think a woman who plans parties for a living would be cooler. I felt like a kid getting busted. But, the joke is on her: we just got high instead.