Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas Brings Out the Best in Me

Christmas Brings Out the Best in Me

The other day I was coming into work and a coworker said "Hello" and I said "Hello" back. But then I realized it was the Christmas season, so I took it a little farther and asked "How is your day going?" The coworker began to chat on and on about their day and how it was bad and how they just wanted to go home and cry. So, I took it one step further and I actually listened and thought about how I'd feel if I was having that bad of a day. Then, I took it even further by giving the coworker advise on how they can make a change. Then I even took it even further and suggested that she sleep with me.

Christmas Shopping Brings Out the Best in Me

As I've said before, science tells us a lot about the human spirit. Especially the Christmas Spirit. In Darwin's book On the Origin of Species he said it best when he said that the Christmas Spirit is an inalienable right and that all Americans should come together under one banner of Christmas peace. I keep that in mind when I go Christmas shopping. It's not every year that you get to go out and buy things for other people. Sure, there are birthdays, but it's not the same - there's no Christmas Spirit. So, I go to all the various stores and buy Christmas gifts with the Christmas Spirit in mind. I think "Cathy will like this vase." Or "Dennis would really enjoy this loaf of bread." By the time it's time to buy for me, I'm all worn out. I usually say "Tom would really love this bottle of Scotch. Even though I know he is supposed to not be drinking." After I drink the Scotch, I usually have even more Christmas Spirit and I start buying myself more gifts. Like cocaine.

My Favorite Christmas Carol

Probably my favorite Christmas carol is Little Drummer Guy. It's that song with the Ta Dudda Duh Da. I love that song. Sometimes I'll go to a hockey game and play it on my headphones instead of that Ta Doo Ay HEY Da Da Da song. I prefer Little Drummer Man to that song. So, around Christmas, a hockey game and Little Drummer Guy are definitely a part of my Christmas plan. I make it a tradition. Another Christmas tradition I have is that I eat a lot of cheese.

The Noblest Tree

The Noble Fir is probably the noblest tree; not just because of it's name, but because it's very noble to be called the Noble Fir and not feel embarrassed about it.

Hanukah: Festival of Lights

Normally when I meet people of different faiths, colors, and sexualities, I make a point of telling them that I'm not a racist and they of course can be my friends. That's why I was surprised when Barry Werner didn't invite me to his Hanukah: Festival of Lights. I would imagine if it's a festival, I could get involved. Maybe run the Ferris wheel or something. But I never was invited. I guess when it comes to people of faiths, the best faith is to have no faith at all.

Black Friday

The other day I was having a conversation with a African American gentleman about Christmas.
Me: So, how was Black Friday?
African American: Great. I got a Wii for the kids for Christmas.
Me: Wait - I thought you celebrated Black Friday?
Then he looked at me weird. I guess you can celebrate both.

I Apologize for the Last Two Entries

After a long and hard look at my last two posts I have decided to feel bad about them. I'm not going to take them down, but I feel that they probably could hurt someone's feelings. So, I want you to know I feel bad. Even if I still find them funny.

New Years is All About Redemption

I try to make New Years Resolutions every five years. That way, I have plenty of time to get things done. So far, I'm in the third year of my last list of resolutions and I still have yet to tame a wild Tiger, but I have tried crack cocaine and slept with a midget.

Honey, It's Time to Talk

The other day I noticed that my wife Barbara was having trouble tolerating me. We were at a party and I kept telling my joke about necrophilia and she kept giving me that eye. You know, the one that says "Don't tell jokes about sleeping with dead bodies to the people I work with." Well, I said to myself, we'll see about that. So, I went up to her and said "Honey, it's time we had a talk." Right in front of her boss. She told me "In a sec." But I kept insisting, until five minutes later she came outside on the deck with me. That's when I told her I had farted about five minutes before.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Animal Farm

Pigs and Goats

It has been my experience that if you see a pig or a goat, chances are, you're on a farm. Like this one time I was walking around and right in front of me is this goat behind a fence. Well, it only took me a sideways glance to see that there was a pig about 10 feet away from me behind another fence. I put two and two together and decided I was on a farm. Well, guess what? I wasn't. I was actually at my own house!

Squirrels Do the Funniest Things

So, I have a walnut tree in my backyard – well, it's not really my backyard, it's the apartment complex's property. But it's in back of my – actually it's in front of my apartment, but I live in the back of the building. Wait – squirrels!

A Myth About Bears

A lot of people will tell you that bears are super dangerous animals and that you should never approach them. This is wise thinking, however, all in all the average bear isn't that dangerous. Science tells us that it's only when you try to kill their cubs that they get mad. So, approach the bears politely and never try to kill the cubs; otherwise, the bear will get really angry and flail its arms and shoot taffy at you.

How Do Birds Build Nests?

By and large, science tells us that birds build nests out of sticks, bark, and whatever they can find to do the job. Science also tells us that the nest must be warm and capable of withstanding the enormous forces of gravity. So, let's say you are a bird and you're thinking of making a nest out of staples. Well, tough luck, bird.

Road Kill is Nature's Way of Saying Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the fittest is a phrase used to explain Darwinian evolutionary aspects as related to the survival of a specimen or species. So, for instant, the dinosaurs were not as fit as humans, so they couldn't get laid. You had all these dinosaurs that were out of shape and all these humans that were body builders – who do you think was getting laid? The tubby dinosaurs? And since the dino genes are recessive, a human could mate with a dinosaur or another human and still get a human. That's why Scottish people are weird looking. So, now take the Roadkill, an animal that has faltered ever since the beginning of the 20th century due to it's inability to outsmart another species – the Car. That's what that song Cars was about.

I Bet You Were Wondering Who Would Win a Fight Between a Goat and a Lampshade

No, but really – who would win a fight between a goat and a lampshade? Goats are very mighty and have thin tempers. However, if the lampshade were sentient, science tells us it could kill the goat by depriving the goat of sunlight. So, maybe at first the goat would seem to win, but after awhile – boy, I'm telling you!

I Could Eat a Whole Cow

A lot of times when I'm hungry I will say "Boy, I could eat a whole cow." But science tells us that the mass of a cow is typically more than the mass of a human. So, if you tried to eat a whole cow, the cow would rip out of your skin as you ate it. So, when you say "I could eat a whole cow" what you're really saying is that you want to commit suicide. And that's sad.

Faster – Eagle or Thrash Metal

Science tells us that the speed of light is the fastest you can go. But science also tells us that sound is really fast as well. So, what would win? "Disposable Heroes" by Metallica, or an eagle? Well, to perform this experiment, I bought an Eagle and the "Master of Puppets" album and instructed the eagle to carry a boom box playing "Disposable Heroes" over the span of a mile. What would happen first? Would I hear the song or would the Eagle land back in my hand? Of course, I would see the eagle first, because light is always the winner. But that didn't happen. Nothing happened. The Eagle flew away, never to return. So, the only thing I proved was that eagles are sore losers, because you know I would have heard that song coming.
She's hot at least. Or was. Did you know she was raped in real life? I guess it's in poor taste to put that right after saying she's hot. But, whatever.

New race of Star Trek characters discovered in Texas.

79% approval rating for just hiring shit.

Piece of fathog

Free lactaid fast act thingy.

Most fucked up movie I have ever seen by a longshot.

Most fucked up real life TV thing by a longshot.

Chris Nolan: Major Pussy

"There's nothing more natural than a beaver."

Hunter S. Thompson quotes.

More Top Ten.

Carl Sagan: Stoner.

Eventual, further caging.

I just saw a doctor in a real doctor's smock and it blew my mind.

Fresh for 88 you suckas! Seckle is a real word. I'll be damned.

Morrison at 65.

Jesus was a June, Gemini Jew.

Today's winner of horrible human being.

Real life kill droid. No joke. If this doesn't scare you, you are probably like, I don't know…Rocky?

Rockabye lyrics.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Nutcracker Sweet

To: Amy Rance
From: Tom Dryer
RE: Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker
Mrs. Rance,
I noticed earlier this week that you had erected a Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker in the lobby.
I have no problem with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker; Christmas is a holiday that should be celebrated by all, no matter what their faith.
However, I have noticed that the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker is not as he seems.
My first encounter with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker was on Monday when, as I was walking in, I noticed that it winked at me.
I am not fond of spirits or pharmecuticals. I do not partake in "partying" and have never been diagnosed with any severe mental problem that you know of. So, it's my reasoning, and my reasoning at the time, that the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker actually took on some form of animation and performed the supernatural task of winking wood upon wood in a suggestive tone to yours truly.
I found this reprehensible, and when I approached the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker, it had the nerve to remain in its previous solid wood state, only making a joke of my attempts to converse with it. In fact, some other associates took to giggling at my expense.
But Tis the season, and I took the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker's antics in jest and merely gawfawed and walked upstairs to my respective workstation.
The following day (Tuesday), when I was walking in from my morning constitutional, I found the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker following me. At first it was just a flash of blue ascending the staircase. I decided I had had too much coffee, just as it made its presence known in the Men's quarters near the sink as I washed my hands. It lifted its arms and put them to either side of its face and then stuck its long Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker tongue at me and then ran from the bathroom.
My shock was was most immediate and I decided to leave work early to gather my wits in order to come into work today and write you.
Upon arriving at work today, the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker approached me holding what I assume to have been a wreath with a large mace attached to the end of it. The spikey ball dangled from the ornamental branch in a suggestion of violence.
I am not one to tussel in public with wooden dolls, and therefore I left Lake Place 1.
Eventually, I was able to make it in to work, graple up the side of the building and enter through the roof where I was able to reach my desk and write you.
I would like you to set up a meeting with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker and the appropriate HR representatives in order to mediate this problem. I fully respect the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker's right to employment, but I feel that we have a difficult situation that needs to be addressed.
Tom Dryer

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Transcripts of Lost

Cars Have Always Been a Part of My Life

I can remember even as a child, cars have been in my life. In fact, when I was born, a car was used to drive me home from the hospital.
Things changed though, in 1982. Back then times were tough and we traded our car in for food and a goat. What was cool about this is that you didn't need a driver's license to drive a goat. So, at age six I was able to get fast food and go shopping for toys with the family goat. It didn't go very fast unless you kicked it really hard.
Eventually we ate the goat and got a new car. I think it was a Mustang. Kinda weird, being all poor and then going out and buying a Mustang. But Dad dealt drugs.
Soon I was old enough to drive a car, but I couldn't afford one. All day I'd daydream about jobs I could have that would make money enough to buy a car.
Sometimes I'd dream I'd work for 3.75 at Jack in the Box.
But, like all dreams, they took ground in reality and soon I was working at Jack in the Box, but I never bought a car, even after I had saved up 750, 000, as of yesterday.

Tazer the Animals Gently

Back when I was a zookeeper I used to be in charge of the snakes.
Snakes are dangerous animals and are prone to attacking handlers if they feel threatened. That's why it was very important that we wore handler's gloves.
But one time a particularly mean-spirited snake was aggressively biting me. I couldn't get it to stop, even when I sung it a song about goats.
Pretty soon I was fit to be tied and decided to give myself a snake remedy. I took the snake, that was still biting my glove to the shark pool and put my hand over the pool.
I know what you're all thinking: that that was dangerous. Well, I still had the gloves on.
So, this small shark jumps up and bites right into the snakes head and just hung there. So, now I had a snake AND a shark on my hand biting.
I still have the glove if you want to see it.

I Do the News

Piece of Fathog Gets Job

I really don't know much about Richardson, other than he looks like he could eat me. You know the type: you invite them over to your house and they're all greedy on the steak and fondue and you're like "Bill, slow down. Take sensible bites." But he's just eating everything and then he gets that look in his eye and you realize he's going to try to eat you and so you step away from the table and say "Not so fast!" Because you have a sword hanging over the entryway and you take it down and then the dessert comes and everything settles down, but you know in your heart that this bodes ill for commerce.

CEOs to Work for Only a Dollar?

Point/Counter Point

Let me get this straight? CEOs? A dollar? Get out of here.
Let's face it, the average fatcat CEO makes much more than a dollar in all the stocks and real estate and so forth that they own.
By my estimate, a CEO makes roughly one billion dollars in fatcat stuff. So, that means he's now going to make 1 billion and one dollars a year. And I should feel sorry for him?
Not me, brother. I believe these so called "CEOs" should be stripped of their fortunes and beaten like the vermin they are.
Should we feel sorry for the CEOs?

- Jim Dale, retarded child that thinks one man can make a difference

For every Jim Dale in the world, I own one dollar.
Sure, I make a lot of money, but what can I say? I enjoy this lifestyle. Sometimes I get up in the morning and I wash with one hundred dollar bills and the blood of the Jim Dales of this world. Sometimes I take up to nine showers, just to waste money.
My normal working day consists of coming into work, attending someone's birthday party and getting free cake without contributing to the gift.
Then I laugh on into the night.
Fatcat? Hurrumph! I'm slim as they come. An athlete by nature, I live to compete. That's capitalism. Like the other day I saw a homeless person out on the street and I stood next to him, took off my mink jacket and began begging.
Within minutes I had 60 more dollars than he made in an entire year.
That's how our species survives and will continue to survive as long as I am in power.
Man up.

- Jim Dale's boss

Tomorrow Knows

Turn off your mind, relax
And turn on TV
It is Primetime
It is Primetime

Lay down all thought
And pay attention to Chris Lloyd
He's on Taxi
He's on Taxi

That you may see
The teaming of Simons
You should be eating
You should be eating

That love is all
And eight is not enough
Let's go bowling
Let's go bowling

That ignorance and hate
Patrick Duffy is not dead
He is showering
He is showering

But listen to the
Taste of Golden Grahams
And drink Pepsi
And drink Pepsi

Or play the game
Your lifeline is your friend
Lost is beginning
Lost is beginning
Lost is beginning
Lost is beginning