Friday, January 8, 2010

Another Pitch to the Producers

How about a children's movie about animals?

MATT ECKERT PRESENTS A CHILDREN'S MOVIE ABOUT ANIMALS

1. I demand that this be claymation, but all the animals are made out of foods that they make. For instance, the pig is made out of bacon and the cow is bunch of hamburgers tied together.
2. We get mega bucks from PETA to create this film. Then, we use the mega bucks to sue PETA for defamation when they find out we used them and call us on it.
3. The child must be played by a midget. I will not tolerate child actors on my set.


OPEN TO MAURY THE COW AND WILLIAM THE PIG ON A SPACESHIP. THERE ARE A NUMBER OF DIALS AND CONTROLS THAT THE COW MANIPULATES WITH HIS HAMBURGER HANDS.

MAURY

Isn't space swell?

WILLIAM

Almost as swell as our friendship. What's that?

WE PAN OVER AND SEE A LARGE TURKEY FLYING IN SPACE. THE TURKEY IS MADE OF SLICED TURKEY TIED TOGETHER. HE IS ATTACHED TO A HANG GLIDER. HIS NAME IS BENJI.

MAURY

Identify yourself!

BENJI

I am Benji. I request permission to come aboard.

WILLIAM

I don't know, Maury, one friend is enough. This spacecraft is pretty small.

MAURY

William, you surprise me sometimes. Don't you understand that space is room enough for everyone.

WILLIAM

Then I guess, all aboard!

CUT TO BENJI WHO SMILES AS THE SPACESHIP'S HANGER DOORS OPEN. BY THE WAY, THE SPACESHIP IS MADE OUT OF SPACESHIP - WE CAN BUY PARTS FROM NASA ON THE CHEAP I KNOW A GUY.

BENJI

Thank you for accepting me on your spaceflight. I bring terrible news from the farm. PETA has shut the farm down and is demanding that we no longer get assisted suicides when we get sick of life.

MAURY

That is horrible news. When will PETA understand that we want to die at some point. Just because we are mere animals, that doesn't mean that we don't believe in a creator and don't desire to meet our creator and return home to the lunch pail in the sky.

WILLIAM

We must go to the farm and fight them.

BENJI

But they are peaceful.

CUT TO MAURY WITH A SAWED OFF SHOT GUN MADE FROM A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT OTHER SAWED OFF SHOTGUNS. HE COCKS THE GUN AND...

MAURY

Well, we aren't.


What do you think? Is that pretty rad? I know I'm asking a lot, but the last time I checked hamburgers were like 99 cents and PETA would pay for the whole thing as long as we said we were just depicting animals made from their processed carcasses.

I think we have a gold mine here. If you're reading this to your producer friends, don't read this part (Wink and give them a thumbs up).