Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Last Post

Episode IV: A New Hope

On Monday I had an ugly moment.
Hung over from a night of boobs and beer at Hooters, I walked passed the rag of polls called USATODAY and saw the ugly specter of Uncle Sam running across the United States with a headline that read "Bush up by 8 points." Or some such gibberish.
Immediately my heart sunk.
Why? Is a George Bush re-elect going to really screw up my life personally?
But, more to the point, I don't watch sports. See, those with nothing but despair in their lives look towards the wins and gains of an awesome force of power to live vicariously through. And where your sportsfans of the world will tune in to watch the Seahawks lose miserably, I pay attention to politics. A win for Kerry will bring me out of the undertow that is my life for a brief five-day period after the election.
Now, a win for Bush will probably send me over the edge and I'll try to kill myself again using Ibuprofen and cooking Sherry.
So, when I saw the USATODAY I felt even more hungover and depressed.
But, then it occurred to me that USATODAY is basically like crack for Survivor junkies. Sure, it's a bunch of polls, news stories, and editorials based on real life; but, just like Survivor it's as far from real as Donald Trump's hair...or personality.
So, I immediately ran to my good friends at Zogby. CLICK ME
(P.S. I do the CLICK ME rather than put the link on the word Zogby because the hypertext is hard to point out in this stupid blog font.)
Zogby had the 96 race pinned by .1% and continues to be the IT pollster.
Numerous pieces of hope were found starting with Zogby. Zogby, currently, has Kerry and Bush in a dead heat in the popular polls, and Kerry with the win in the electoral college.
John Zogby has also made public his firm belief that Kerry will take this very, very close election.
But, what about USATODAY?
The poll, that they put on the front page like jackasses, was the sensational poll. It was the poll with the biggest gap.
They have all sorts of polls they run when finding out who is in the lead. The most popular are the registered voter and likely voter polls. Now, the likely voter poll is based on polls of people who voted in the last election.
I almost didn’t vote in the last election (Lieberman and Tipper Gore are Nazis).
But, that's not much of an argument. The real argument is that this poll doesn't take into account: cell phone only homes, the greatest registration of new voters since 1980, new to the polls 18 year olds, and all those so fractured out of the American dream that they're finally angry enough to vote.
This is the poll USATODAY put on the front page.
Now, in the same poll of registered voters, it was 48/46 (if I remember correctly) for Bush.
Again, keep in mind this has nothing to do with the Electoral Colleges.
But, again, when you look at the Zogby poll, you find that they are neck and neck, and a day later, Zogby even mentioned that the he's discounting large undecided portions that are leaning towards Kerry.
Also, in the Electoral Colleges, many of the states that were thought to be Bush's are within the margin of error. Where in the Kerry states, he's polling outside the MOE.
This is just a small snapshot, and obviously polls don't determine the presidency. But, I think it's a fair statement to say that Kerry has more than a good chance of turning out and upset for Bush this year.
Tony Danza once told me something that still sticks with me today "Keep hope alive!"
He was drunk and I ran into him in a strip club. It really has nothing to do with this blog, but I thought I'd mention it.

Ask Me About Jesus

Ask me About Jesus

So, I see this car out in the parking lot and it says "Ask me about Jesus." I thought to myself, "What is Jesus?"
So, when I finally got a hold of the woman I asked her about Jesus.
She said "Well, what would you like to know?"
I answered "Well, what is Jesus?"
She said "You don't know? You've never heard about Jesus?"
"No." I said.
She looked really taken aback. "Well, Jesus was the son of God."
I said "So, he's not anymore?"
"No, no, no. Yes, yes he is. He's the son of God and our Lord and Savior."
"So, God isn't the Lord anymore? Jesus is now?"
"No, they both are. It's really hard for me to explain right now, and I'm late for an appointment."
"Well, can we schedule something?"
"Um...sure, what's your number or email?"
"Do you have a pen?"
"Sure." She handed me a pen and I wrote my info down.
After about two weeks of waiting to find out about Jesus, I ran into her in the parking lot again.
"Jesus!" I said. "What the fuck? Where have you been?"
She got all freaked out and backed up. I was kinda pissed off that she snubbed me on the whole Jesus thing.
"Please don't hurt me." She was really freaked out.
"Jesus! I want to know about Jesus!" I yelled.
She started running and I made chase. I was obsessed with Jesus and what he could do for me.
"Help! Police!" She screamed. But, I didn't care. The way I looked at it was that if she knew something about the Lord of all of us, maybe I could get a sweet car or something.
She kept running, and I ran out of breath and stopped for a smoke.
It's really a shame, too. Because I never got to find out about Jesus. So, I'm thinking maybe he's like Batman or Superman or something. Like, maybe he's super rich and gets all the women. Man, I wish I knew more about Jesus.


So, I saw this car and it said ASK ME ABOUT JESUS, so I asked the driver about Jesus and then I punched him in the face. And then I saw this other car and it said BUSH/CHENEY 2000, so I punched him in the face. Then this cop pulled me over and he was all like, "Hey, why are you-" and I punched him in the face. Then I sped off in my 1985 Prelude and went to Arby's and I ordered a Happy Meal and the guy's all like "Hey, this isn't-" and then I punched him in the face. Then I saw this woman walking a dog and I said "Hey, that's a nice dog." and she punched me in the face.

too friendly cafe

and they both specialize in frosty milkshakes and have a plethora of flavors.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 2:15 PM
To: Josh MacDonald; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

because then you have to polish it off

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 2:07 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

finding a good burger joint is like finding a rare jewel.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:46 PM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

josh, it's like dick's. i can't find the address. i'll let you know.
this is important.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:44 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

If you watch the original Star Wars movies the Death Star explodes in a big round the "newer" versions of the originals it almost explodes in a ring...almost looks like a ring around Saturn when it blows up....

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:43 PM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?


-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:42 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

The one before it exploded sideways?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:41 PM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

as the old, old death star

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:40 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

As a Jedi ghost?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:40 PM
To: Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

i heard nell carter makes a cameo

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:36 PM
To: Matt Eckert
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

it should be better then the first two, it's supposed to be darker and chewier.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:29 PM
To: Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

i'll bet it will be better than the last two. perhaps better than empire.
the second one really wasn't bad in my opinion.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 1:26 PM
To: Matt Eckert
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

the trailer for episode three debuts in thirteen days. the return of darth.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:55 PM
To: Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

try not, just do
so, i sorry the three star wars dvds. Let me just say Empire is the only one that holds up.
Worst moments: jabba scene in new hope, claymation or whatever in jabba's bar, and the installment of a new darth vader ghost in the end of jedi.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:52 PM
To: Matt Eckert
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

I say we meet at RR or Cucina to start.
I'll try and get off early.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:49 PM
To: Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

the roadhouse. i know this guy - patrick swayze, he runs a tight joint.
try to get out early. i'm off at five.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:49 PM
To: Matt Eckert
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

I'll cover you. where shall we meet?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:46 PM
To: Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

as long as you and scott pay, sure.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:45 PM
To: Matt Eckert
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

no, but if you're interested in getting a drink somewhere on the eastside around 6 let me know.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 12:43 PM
To: Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

anything going on tonight?

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 11:51 AM
To: Scott McCarron; Matt Eckert; Shannon Lord; Ross Payne
Cc: Shanna Payne
Subject: RE: Issaquah Cafe?

what time?

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 22, 2004 11:40 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Shannon Lord; Josh MacDonald; Ross Payne
Cc: Shanna Payne
Subject: Issaquah Cafe?

Shanna and I are going to Issaquah Cafe for lunch if anyone is interested in going there......

Campaign Head and Quarters

Extreme Election Advertising

John Kerry:


George W. Bush:


election 2004

Pol Ads

Seems odd that you can't show a boob on TV, but you can scare the living shit out of Americans everywhere with complete bullshit about Democratic candidates.
In this spirit, I present...

The End of the World

It's election time and this may be the beginning of a series of events that will leave the Earth as desolate and useless as W.'s mouth.
So, let's look into IF GEORGE BUSH IS RE-ELECTED.....just in time for Halloween.

Well, on the domestic front, four Supreme Court justices will be replaced by conservative automatons that will strike down Roe vs. Wade and amend the constitution to prohibit gay marriage.
But, they won't stop there. Any woman who has ever had an abortion and anyone who has participated in gay sex will be hunted down by the Moral Enforcement Agency and will be beaten summarily without trial or conviction. The mere rumor that you once went down on your roommate in college will spell an end so brutal and tragic your parents will not be able to identify your body.
Because your body will used as fuel for spaceships to Mars.
That's right. Mr. Bush will continue onward with his plans to populate Mars with "Missionaries for a Stellar Christ." These missionaries will enslave the Martian race (later to be found) and use them to hunt down Jews.
That's right! The President will enact a law that all Jews are to be rounded up, imprisoned and shipped to Israel, which will be cordoned off as a prison state in the wait for Armageddon, when the Jews will be converted to Christ and any Muslim left will be shot straight into Hell!!!
That's right! Muslims will be hunted down and a reward will be given to any man who brings the U.S. government a Muslim heart. These hearts will also be used as fuel, but for the fuel to power......are you ready for this?..........DICK CHENEY!
That's right! Dick Cheney will live off the hearts of Muslims and will never grow old and will take on the Overlordship in 2008.
That's right! We will cease to have elections after 2004, instead we will anoint Dick Cheney uber Overlord to lord over the ongoing "Earth War."
That's right! The Earth will be plummeted into an ongoing World War to ensure the peace. The military/industrial complex will be powered by this Earth War, creating mindless jobs for the many sedated servants of the Cheney.
That's right! Dick Cheney will cease to be Dick Cheney, but, rather "the Cheney." A mechanical beast that lives on the hearts of dead Muslims and will greet Satan himself for.....
Dick Cheney is the AntiChrist. Fulfilling the Christian Right's ideas of Armageddon, the Cheney is actually perpetuating Satan's masterstroke of enslaving the world under his tyranny.
Jesus will then show up and projectile vomit on spot inspection of the Earth. He will then look upon the Earth and send anyone who voted Bush/Cheney to hell in a handbasket and then he will laugh on into the night!

Ok, probably none of that will happen....Except the Dick Cheney parts....well, the part where he lives off humans and changes his name to "the Cheney."
But, let's face it: the ideas are plausible and that's pretty chilling.
Well, parts of them are. Like the Supreme Court part. Well, kinda.
OK, look, if you've seen any of the ads on TV lately, it's not like I have a bigger imagination.

P.S. I have a picture of George Nethercutt and Dave Reichert riding a tandem bike naked while eating the remains of dead Iraqis.

OK, I don't have that picture. But, you's not like this is sponsored by anyone, so I can say what I want, right?

P.S. FIRE!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!! EVERONE FLEE!!!!!!!
P.S. Parental Advisory. This message contained explicit bullshit.

I'm Glad You Enjoyed My Bacon


My food I left in the fridge.
especially the bacon. I buy the "ready bacon" and leave it in
the fridge (with my name in big black letters) so I can have
something when I come in at 3:00 am.
But hey if you need it more........

- Post on the bulletin board at work

Could there be a light at the end of the tunnel? Could this last three years of complete waste be over? Maybe so...maybe so.
It began with the super neat apartment and it is continuing with the departure of the Guy Who Sits Behind Me.
You may or may not be familiar with my old site (monkeyspit which has taken down my archives and replaced my stuff with some hack - hey, hack, I believe I was the first to rip off the Onion badly) or the various others I have posted gibberish on. But, the Guy Who Sits Behind Me was a regular.
One of the reasons I do not write about the Guy Who Sits Behind Me anymore is that one of his attributes is looking over my shoulder to see what I'm doing.
So, therefore, it has been dangerous to write about the Guy Who Sits Behind Me.
Before, the Guy Who Sits Behind Me sat directly behind me. So, in order for him to eavesdrop on my business, as is his way, he would have to do a full 180 which would give me time to hide my typing.
But, no more. A year or two ago we moved and now he sits kinda next to me. But, he still sits behind me enough to let him keep his title.
Of course, that title is the Guy Who Sits Behind Me.
In fact, I'm really pushing my luck here. At any time he could decide to stare suspiciously at my screen, as is his way, to see what I got "going on."
In two weeks, the Guy Who Sits Behind Me will be no more. He will now be what he is to all the other drones in this building – That Creepy Guy.
I'll tell you, I could not be more overjoyed. For now, he will be a passing joke instead of a constant Bon Jovi song stuck in my head. He will be a turd sliding down the corporate window, rather than the popped zit that I stomach every morning. In fact, he will no longer have a legible personality for me to clobber.
It's amazing what shear distance can do to eliminate the ugliness in your life. Hell, I have an ex that I can't even imagine in another country.
Yes, my troubles are falling away. Things are coming up Eckert.
Or so it would seem....
So, no more stories about a man who falls in love with a girl who happened to be in the same shot as him at a Christmas party. No more stories about a guy who tells me what a great B.J. he got the other night after working with him for two days. No more psychopathic rants into the phone to his ex. No more "I'm such a modest guy" followed by convulsions of patting himself passive/aggressively on the back. No more long talks about what chords Bon Jovi used in "You Give Love a Bad Name." No more Air:
No more having him ask about my weekend and me going into a long story about hunting pink elephants with Arthur C. Clarke and having him respond "really?" No telling me everything I know about everything I see. No more sending me emails, then looking over my shoulder waiting for me to open them so he can see my reaction. No more bumming a pack of smokes a week from me. No more telling me he's "passionate" about hyphens. No more overenthusiastic speeches about the fettuccini sauce he makes. No more brave, courageous, patriotic speeches about how America should stomp the rest of the world. No more stinking socks, greasy hair, and thread worn clothing. No more combing his hair in the window. No more popping zits. No more preening eyebrows, facial hair, and pony tail.
It could go on and on. But, just thinking about it makes me annoyed to the point that I'd like to run a set of knives across a chalkboard just to get it out of my head.
So, basically, if you hear me bitch anymore in this blog about anything, please remind me that I got it easy compared to what I had. Like how he's now standing up right near me staring at his monitor like he's making some huge decision about the rest of the universe.
There are a lot of ugly things in this world, and I'm happy to say I'm not sitting next to them anymore.
If you believe in heeby jeeby election stuff I will say this: this could be an omen that Kerry will win. (EDITOR FROM FUTURE: KARMA WAS PAID)
But, on the other hand, I can honestly say I'd rather get rid of the Guy Who Sits Behind Me than Bush. (EFF: THAT IS STILL CORRECT)
Selfish? Maybe, but this is coming from a guy who just scheduled a "team building" event around the location of my apartment so that I would be able to get drunk.

2004 Halloween Episode

sounds like a good movie....where is it playing at?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 9:31 AM
To: Scott McCarron; Chris Weisberg; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

a taught thriller

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 9:31 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Chris Weisberg; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

wtf is that?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 9:23 AM
To: Chris Weisberg; Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

anyone want to see the machinist this weekend?

-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Weisberg
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 9:19 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

I'll get the tickets tonight on-line. Is Josh in? I knew Scott was out. He has his daughter that weekend.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 9:14 AM
To: Chris Weisberg
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

you can, but i can't pay till friday.
josh, scott, you in?

-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Weisberg
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 7:11 AM
To: Matt Eckert
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

Too busy. Soccer game, pizza party after soccer game and finishing up putting the f*cking house back together. Plus I'm tired of hearing Natalie's mouth about how our house looks since the flood. Do you want me to get those tickets today for next Friday's show?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 5:05 PM
To: Chris Weisberg
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

OK, so, your busy sat?

-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Weisberg
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 3:14 PM
To: Matt Eckert
Subject: RE: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

Your Momma

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 3:07 PM
To: Chris Weisberg; Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald; Shanna Payne; Ross Payne; Adam Kleiver (E-mail)
Cc: Rob Kleppen (E-mail); Adam Hawkins (E-mail)
Subject: what's up with those sneakers on your feet

i got the timber's on the toes....
what's up with helloween? is anyone doing anything? give me notice. if nothing is going on we can haunt the seatown like rabid children of the night.
who's in?

Some Authors

Some Authors that Fuck and Suck

Ah, now then, how is your day going?

Two things – lemonade is definitely not an evening drink. Especially with tequila. Also, the Café Select coffee at 7-11 tastes like buttered ass.

Moving right along....AUTHORS THAT FUCK AND SUCK!

That's right, below you will find a list of authors you should know something about. Read or don't read their books – I have my commandments listed.

Let's start with overation. The following authors are extremely overrated and do everything in your power to avoid them.


F. Scott Fitzgerald: It's mind blowing how much this man sucks. He died a diseased drunk and probably deserved it. His most famous, and maybe only, novel is The Great Gatsby. This book sucked. It sucked big time. If there was a way to suck harder than this book sucks, I'm sure Oasis is doing it right now. The Great Gatsby is pretty much the world's first soap opera. I was really surprised that Gatsby didn't come back from the grave pregnant and have some psychotic Santa Claus kill him. The book is about how this rich prick, Gatsby, gets by on all his marvelous friends that are about as boring as a Beaches reunion. Seriously, Fitzgerald sucks. Except it. Boats beaten back against dead badgers floating on flotsam. It sucked that bad.

Norman Mailer: K, this one is kind of unfair, but fuck it. I opened the Armies of the Night or whatever and read a chapter. I would have tried to read more but I was choking on my own bile. Mailer talks about himself in the third person throughout the book. The only author who can get away with talking about himself at all is Hunter S. Thompson (see The Best of the Best). Mailer not only doesn't pull this off, he doesn't pull it off in the third person. This guy is a total tool. He's one of those for shit hippies that took a good protest movement and made it look bad. He's like that guy in that horrible movie Forest Gump that thinks he's a big peace activist, but beats his girlfriend. Mailer sucks even worse than Fitzgerald, because Mailer thinks he's the shit. Mailer is the geek from high school who somehow found a niche and exploited it to get fame and poontang. This guy is a glory whore and should be shot. Hell, is he even alive? Who knows, but he sure does blow.

Frank Herbert: Specifically, Dune. Everyone loves to tell you that Dune is the best Sci Fi book ever written. This is extremely incorrect. It's not that Dune is bad; it's that Dune wasn't that great. It's way too involved with too much shit. Look, I know what you're thinking: "Well, you're a dumbass and you didn't understand it."

Wrong, fuckface. I understood it, it just wasn't that interesting. It was like reading a pot of stew made from Catholicism, Physics, and Soap Opera shit. And, whereas that would sound interesting to someone who is nuts, it just didn't float my boat like it should have. Again, I'm not saying this was a bad book, just overrated. The best part is how the main dude struggles with how power corrupts. The rest of the themes were vague or uninteresting. So, fuck you.

The Best of the Best

Here are my recommendations, kids. Please, do yourself a favor and purchase all of these books or authors. They are the crème de la crème or whatever. They rule. You rule.

Hunter S. Thompson: K, we have a caveat here that goes with Vonnegut as well: Don't buy anything after 1979. Thompson's drugs took far too much hold and his later books aren't as good. Not to mean they suck, they just aren't the best of the best. I recommend Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and any campaign book he's written. Also, his book on the Hell's Angel's was great or his collections of writings. These books make you want to write, act, and live like the author – as a good first person book should. I've based my whole life on his writings and find that I feel better about drinking and smoking as much as I do. If I've ever ripped off an author more in my life (badly) it is Thompson. His prose is genius and his disregard for authority is godlike. Run out and buy Fear and Loathing anything. This man is a god.

Kurt Vonnegut: Whereas with Thompson I said his later work is still good, with Vonnegut, I'll say blatantly ANYTHING AFTER '79 IS CRAP. Now then, maybe one of the best books ever written is Cat's Cradle. This is the story of Ice Nine and how an elderly calypso teacher gives God the bird. Buy this book now. Don't even stop for traffic lights. If you die trying to get this book, you will have lived a moral life. Also, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater is awesome as well. Hell, anything by Vonnegut before the eighties is great.

Arthur C. Clarke: Childhood's End. This is the best, bar none, Sci Fi book ever written. It is the story of Man's becoming and should be read inside a temple, smoking lotus leaves. If you want to read Sci Fi, this is the nut.

Bret Easton Ellis: American Psycho. Don't buy any of his other books. Well, maybe Less Than Zero, which is alright. But, the rest pale in comparison to Psycho. This book is the most grizzly, brutal piece of media ever made – and it works. And on so many levels. Mainly, the comedic. You're reading about the intricacies of washing your face correctly, wearing a tie correctly, ordering a dessert correctly, and then you're into a whole scene about a PVC pipe being rammed up a woman's cooch and having a rat feed on dog food that is placed at the end of it. I mean, I don't even like violence that much, but when it's juxtaposed with melon sherbet – it works. Buy this book or I'll kill you.

ISAAC ASIMOV: K, I'm gonna ruffle some feathers here: the Foundation series is way better than Lord of the Rings. There, I said it. Lord of the Rings, in fact, almost made my list of overrated books. Foundation has everything that Lord of the Rings lacks and more. These books take you from one set of puppet masters to the next, as you travel out from solar system to universe trying to find the grand master. These books rule and make Frodo's journey from the Shire look like my journey to 7-11 this morning. Buy this entire series, lock yourself in a closet with rations and read a month away. You deserve it.

Mark Haddon: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. This book rules. It kicks so much ass. It's about this autistic boy who journeys to find out who killed the neighbor's dog. On his way he learns of his family's secrets, and the reader learns that in order to love this boy, you have to understand that he can't love - or at least like we do. Man, I don't know what I'm talking about. I should put more thought into this, but... It's written in the first person as the boy, so it's interesting to read. Don't be expecting any Dustin Hoffman hubris to overact its way into the autism here. You won't read Haddon counting toothpicks to show you what a barnyard oddity this kid is. This book will make you cum in your brain and in your heart. Man, that's stupid. Anyway...

J.D. Salinger: Nine Stories. It's that simple. Catcher in the Rye is also good, but Nine Stories is better. No wonder this guy died a recluse, he was entertainment enough. Imagine if you figured everything out – what point would there be in being around people?

And my number one, all time book: It's a tie between Nine Stories/Cat's Cradle/American Psycho.

Now, a word about Stephen King: He sucks for the most part. But, if you're at an age where you just want to read for fun, and emotions by Sesame Street are still entertaining, then what the hell? Go buy The Stand and The Gunslinger books. King has an amazing imagination, he just can't write a character worth a shit. So, if you're 15 or 16, go ahead and have fun. But, by 20 you'll realize King sucks. My English teacher was right. And I hated my English teacher. Well, not that bad. Look, if you wanna know the most pompous English teacher, it was this dude who wrote some crappy short story about taking a train to see his parents or some shit when he was four. Total shit. Man, I hated that guy. I hated that class. It was at Green River CC and I was taking Creative Writing. What a bastard. I'm going to go out and get some PVC pipe.

Now, I'm sure I forgot a lot of books here, but my hour lunch is up. So, buy the books I said to buy. Or don't. It doesn't matter. None of this matters.




bravo. you truly are the chosen one.
the chosen janitor that needs to clean up aisle twelve.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:42 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

you have NO idea how big of a tool I was that day. it was so embarrassing. we showed the presentation in front of a bunch of people in the budget room and you could tell that no one had any clue how it related to leadership skills.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:34 PM
To: Josh MacDonald; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

oh, i'm laughing hard now. normally, scott is the butt of my ridicule, but you my friend are a true tool.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:33 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

we did this seinfeld thing where the presentation was about "nothing". seriously, it was the dumbest thing you've ever seen.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:23 PM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

so, what was your presentation about? i think an expose on beaver manure would have been breathtaking.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:21 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

We all have our strong points

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:20 PM
To: Josh MacDonald; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

sounds like something scott would excel at: pointless behavior.

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:12 PM
To: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

it's the Costco U. leadership development class. You have to do a bunch of group projects with other people in the class. And then they make you do a group presentation at the end. It totally sucks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:00 PM
To: Josh MacDonald; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

what's leadership class?

-----Original Message-----
From: Josh MacDonald
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:46 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron
Subject: RE: the machinist

I'll probably go if we see it on the eastside.
scott, did enjoy leadership class this morning?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:18 AM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

i just want you to know.
what time/where are you seeing it tomorrow, ass.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:17 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

I never denied that.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:16 AM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

you're still fat.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:15 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

No, it's my way of saying I'm not going to Pacific Place.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:14 AM
To: Scott McCarron; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

is that your way of saying you don't want us to go with you.
that's cool.
just remember your fat and getting fatter and we hate you.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott McCarron
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:13 AM
To: Matt Eckert; Josh MacDonald
Subject: RE: the machinist

I'll probably be going to see Saw tomorrow early afternoon on the eastside.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt Eckert
Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 10:26 AM
To: Josh MacDonald
Cc: Scott McCarron
Subject: the machinist

is limited release. it's not playing yet.
saw is playing at 4.30 at pacific place.


It's nice to see you haven't changed. Now let's not talk for another two

>From: Matt Eckert
>To: namewithheld
>Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 15:28:39 -0700
>no, i can't see her stealing. i can see you stealing, however.
>-----Original Message-----
>From: name withheld
>Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 3:28 PM
>To: Matt Eckert
>Subject: RE:
>She seriously said I stole from you. OH! Then you know it was her.
> >From: Matt Eckert
> >To: name withheld
> >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 15:24:19 -0700
> >
> >she's the one who said you did. i never mentioned it, but now you're like
> >not here, so....i feel it's easier to accuse you of things.
> >plus i'm wasted.
> >
> >-----Original Message-----
> >From: name withheld
> >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 3:22 PM
> >To: Matt Eckert
> >Subject: RE:
> >
> >
> >I seriously hope you don't think I stole from you.
> >Actually you probably do, I can just picture you and name withheld talking about
> >how I'm a thief.
> >
> > >From: Matt Eckert
> > >To: namewithheld
> > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 14:21:46 -0700
> > >
> > >dude, he is
> > >yes, you do. you probably steal from him. but, he's a tool, so he won't
> > >notice.
> > >whatev
> > >if my awesomeness was a terrorist alert it would be magenta
> > >
> > >-----Original Message-----
> > >From: namewithheld
> > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 2:00 PM
> > >To: Matt Eckert
> > >Subject: RE:
> > >
> > >
> > >He is not, I do not, I do not and I can too, oh and you are not.
> > >
> > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > >To: name withheld
> > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:57:39 -0700
> > > >
> > > >i'm not.. i'm just trying to prove my talking points:
> > > >a)your boyfriend is probably a tool.
> > > >b)you steal and owe me 40 bucks
> > > >c)you can't spell
> > > >d)i'm fookin' awesome and both radical and super cool.
> > > >
> > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > >From: name withheld
> > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:56 PM
> > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > >Subject: RE:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why do you have to be so tecnicle
> > > >
> > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:54:09 -0700
> > > > >
> > > > >i hope you meant to spell fault wrong, there.
> > > > >
> > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:53 PM
> > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >I don't have spell check on, it's not my fautl
> > > > >
> > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:50:02 -0700
> > > > > >
> > > > > >you probably do if you don't have a job and can't spell forty.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:46 PM
> > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >That was my house and I don't need fourty bucks.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:43:09 -0700
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >i went to your boyfriends house or someone's house on a lake
> > > >forty
> > > > > > >bucks
> > > > > > >went missing.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:37 PM
> > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >I don't steal from people who come over to my house, I go to
> > > >house
> > > > > >and
> > > > > > >steal. Duh!
> > > > > > >Besides that weren't you with name withheld?
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:33:06 -0700
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >oh, yeah, what about that douche who worked here with his
> > > > > > > >yeah. that was dope. i love it when poor people steal from
> > > > >people.
> > > > > > >it
> > > > > > > >makes so much sense.
> > > > > > > >and I WANT IT BACK!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:31 PM
> > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >That is only one boyfriend. name withheld is the coolest one yet. No,
> > >was
> > > > >42
> > > > > > > >dollars I stole.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:26:08 -0700
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >i met that one total toolshed when i went to your place
> > > >name withheld
> > > > > > >when
> > > > > > > > >you
> > > > > > > > >stole 40 bucks out of my wallet.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:25 PM
> > > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >You've never met any of my boyfriends
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:21:16 -0700
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >very funny.
> > > > > > > > > >no, most of your boyfriends are douchebags, so....
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 1:20 PM
> > > > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >Funny.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 12:54:18 -0700
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >you haven't found the answer to that question yet?
> > > > > > > > > > >poor name withheld.
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:41 AM
> > > > > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >Can name withheld come?
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 11:30:59 -0700
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >yeah, i really want to go over there.
> > > > > > > > > > > >no, i'd prefer you come out to my place.
> > > > > > > > > > > >BE THERE!
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:29 AM
> > > > > > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >You can come over sometime. I'm a good cook, that's
> >why
> > > >I'm
> > > > >so
> > > > > > > >fat.
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 11:26:46 -0700
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >make me dinner.
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:24 AM
> > > > > > > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE:
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >Went over to a friends house and made dinner for
> > > >everyone.
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >From: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >To: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 11:19:32
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >um...watched tv.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >you?
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >-----Original Message-----
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >From: name withheld
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:19 AM
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >To: Matt Eckert
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >Subject:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >What did you do last night?
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > >

Saw was Shit via 2004

"Saw" is the funniest shitty movie I have seen since "A.I."
The difference is, in "A.I." I was the only one laughing towards the end at how ridiculous the movie was. And it only got ridiculous towards the end.
"Saw" is a non-stop calvacade of laughs. Starting with the dumb puppet, continuing with the puppet on a tricycle, danny glover moaning like frankenstein, and ending with cary elwes moaning like the kid who played luke skywalker in my 7-year-old production of "star wars" in my back yard with the neighbors camcorder.
"Saw" WAS worth seeing just for the laughs. Half way through, i was at the edge of my seat waiting for the next amatuer shot at acting, puppet apperance or danny glover hunch back walk.
Unlike "A.I.", "Saw" had me in hysterics throughout the entire movie, and my friends and myself were not the only group of people laughing.
Josh said afterwards "you know, at first you were the only one laughing. But, then, after awhile, I think the rest of the audience saw your point."
Tremendous filmmaking.
I definitely recommend "Saw," but not for the genre it's labeled for.
peace, vote kerry

The Day After

Sour Grapes

I feel like I've just been dumped. Last night I was up to nine beers before Ohio was called and ate a slice of pizza to try to bring on sleep. Hours later, I woke up at 2.30 in a full rage. I set the alarm for an hour later and managed to get back to sleep. What went through my mind during the interval of anger was just how ugly the winners were. Anyone who reads this regularly, I would assume, is informed enough to know the ugliness is manifold and there's no reason to even get into the talking points.
I remember, when I was a child, I saw a movie called "My Bodyguard." It was probably some cheap, after school special, but it really drove home the point of "life is unfair"; at least to a five-year-old. The basic premise was this kid who was getting picked on by this bully, and no one could help the kid out. So, he gets this bodyguard who kicks the other kid's ass, or something. Well, then the bad kid gets this other dude to kick the bodyguard's ass. And, you know how those movies go, he doesn't just kick his ass, he rubs his face in shit and so on.
I remember being so fucking angry and asking my mom why Superman (i'm not trying to be cute, this is just what i remember) couldn't come down and annihilate this punk degenerate. That's when my mom or dad (they were still together then) explained that life was not fair.
But, how the hell do these kind of thugs get away with this shit? Well, that's life.
Now, I'm not a black, disenfranchised coal worker in Pennsylvania, moonlighting at McDonald's to support my children and then being told my name looks a lot like a felon's so I can't vote. I'm also not a Middle Eastern man sitting in some shit hole prison indefinitely because I gave to one charity or the other. And, I'm not a candidate for president, who fought in an ungodly war, decorated for my service, had the Gibraltar-sized balls to question that service and then lose an election to a sneaky puppet, false prophet, death monger who dodged a good-for-nothing war, and then spat on those who wanted to go and find out just how good or bad it was – because they felt it was right.
So, basically, why the sour grapes? I'm not getting screwed here. Am I just a child watching others get screwed like a TV show and letting it get me angry for no reason? Maybe. Aside from barbs from Bushalikes at work, I'm really in no danger of losing a lot. Hell, if you read this blog, you know I don't have much.
But, if you have an once of empathy, and the basic common sense that you can't watch others die and not realize you will one day as well, you will know that today's loss will eventually hit home. There was some quote about a guy in Germany who was talking about how he did nothing when they came for his Jewish friend, and did nothing when they came for his Communist friend, and when they came for him, he had no friends left to help him.
That pretty much sums up what this nation is about to go through.
You may think it's all lies and hyperbole, but this is very real. Somehow the old specter of racism has turned into a new evil of "moral right" and it will fall and drape itself all over the United States. It's been happening for three years now, and no one will take it seriously. I really wonder if this was what it was like in the early years of Hitler.
And how long will we keep asking that before someone takes it seriously instead of writing it off.
And what about the vote? What does it prove? Well, if we assume that this election wasn't blanketed in fraud, it proves that the majority of Americans really believe in what's going on and support it.
I keep getting emails from people who are just dumbfounded that Kerry not only lost, but that the race was even close.
Well, my only answer is Britney Spears, Titanic, Survivor, etc.....
In a nation that continually buys and enjoys shitty music, movies, and television it's no wonder that they enjoy shitty government.
So, what now? Revolution? Ha. What a joke. Most of the revolutionaries wouldn't even feel comfortable with the idea of owning a gun.
No, I guess we just wait for Dean to rise from his drawing board in 2007 and try to pull off an election without being too real.
I could hope for a Bush impeachment, but with the government owned by the wagging tails of the collective GOP, I highly fucking doubt it.
If Bush pulled out a gun and shot Kerry dead last night, he wouldn't even go to trial. And this is the country you have inherited.
A note to the young people: in 1992 the big Bush senior misleader was how he said in '88 "Read my lips – no new taxes." And then proceeded to tax us. Now, if you buy his '04 son's promise of "No Draft," then I have an oil field in Iraq to sell you.
All in all, I should have seen this coming when Bon Jovi played the theme music to my campaign.
Like the title, this is sour grapes, but damn, I think I deserve this.
Peace (yeah, right)

Illegal Pharm

March of the Moral Majority

Good Lord. Who the hell anointed these people saints? If it was Jesus, he should be put on trial for war crimes when he rises from Care Bear land.
These people AREN'T moral. These people are not only amoral - they are fucking annoying. They are the idiots that cut you off in parking lots and bitch in movie lines that they didn't get the appropriate discount. You can see them asking you to ask them about Jesus as they pass you in a turn lane. These people only fight when the war is two inches in front of their faces.
Not only that, but their children are absolute hellions. They are the "biters" in the classroom and the tantrum throwers in the malls.
And they all breed like nobody's business. Without birth control or abortion, its no wonder these cretins are voting our conscience. Their numbers are manifold.
The two RELIGION WITHHELD that sit behind me have a new child every six months. Then, they bitch that they aren't getting enough benefits from work for the delivery.
Who do you think is paying for their fuckhappy ways?
Yours truly.
My co-pays go up because of this rampant breeding. And don't even let me get into how it affects everyone in taxes and overpopulation.
Not only that, we subsidize these degenerates' that they can molest children in peace.
Are these broad generalizations? Damn straight.
It's time to fight morons with bean curd. I don't know what that means, but the Moral Majority seems to have no problem lumping us into a homogenized clump of gay sex, flag burning, and baby killing – so why the fuck not lump them into what they are?
So, let's go on.
They smell bad, normally, as well.
Most of their Gods are con artists, magicians, and charlatans. Their Gods tell them to kill, kill, kill and to love, love, love. They believe in abstinence, but not masturbation. They own homes that smell of cabbage and Lysol. They like to crotchet crocheting needles. They think that superheroes live in the sky and will reward them for kissing their asses (superhero remark swiped). They eat Cheetos and then wipe their fingers on their neighbor. They have vast sensory organs that can smell free food miles away. They live on welfare, but give their Walmart income to corrupt churches. They wear more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker – and she's one of them! They shit out of their mouths and eat with their assholes. They come in five sets of twelve. They offer queen and Serta Perfect. They will rot your teeth. They come with a free prize if you scratch their heads off. They all own dogs named Barkley. They have sex using tubes and droppers. They eat a lot of Velveeta. They aren't even human. Their leader will come one day and demand Slurpies.
Ah, well, I'm exhausted. Just the thought of these twisted degenerates makes me sick.
What is true is that their dogmas support the ideas of a master and slave society and they will perpetuate their will through big business and oligarchic government.
The morons that voted for Bush (and they are morons), believe in lies. They see the world through faith lenses where everything stands as long as it is told to them by their selected mouthpiece.
If Bush told them the world was flat, they would believe. And there's no hyperbole here. WMD? Al Queda ties? We got that – even though it doesn't exist.
The real religious use faith as a way to interpret their beliefs. Most of them do not read the bible in the literal sense. They do not believe a horned dragon will pounce on Syria. But, they do believe the lessons these enormous pictures paint. In Revelations they speak a lot about the false prophet. The Moral Majority thinks this will be manifested in one man. The real religious know that false prophets come and go and that we've just elected one.


God bless,
Randy "the Randinator" Eckert

Peace Up

Fuckin' Friday

Fuckin' Friday. I ate too much sandwich. Man, my stomach hurts. I think I'm going to seriously blog today. FORREALZ.
So, I woke up, showered, went to 7-11 and got coffee, started my car for five minutes, finally got it moving, went to work, looked at the internet, did some work, then I ate a sandwich and now I feel sick.
Fuckin' sandwich. It was loaded with ham and swiss. Fuckin' ham looks brutal, doesn't it? It's all full of texture and shit. Yuck. Swiss cheese looks cool and clean. Ham is dirty looking. I think I'm going kosher for now on. That's right, no more mayonnaise.
I've got this blue-ass sweater on now. It's so fucking blue.
So, I started thinking: you know how there's like midget porn? Do you think Chewbacca has the equivalent in Ewok porn?

As you can tell, I'm more incoherent than usual. It's this fucking sandwich I ate. MONGALA! Just wanted to say MONGALA!
So, we get to leave an hour early today. This has pretty much made the day seem like its nine hours longer.
Really, nothing to report. Weisberg and I are going to a concert with all the non-famous members of Jane's addiction tonight. It's like that Simpson episode where Lisa is in concert with all the second fiddlers from Hall and Oates and.....well, you get the idea.
Did I mention that I'm never eating a sandwich again?
Kung Fu saves lives!
Man, my stomach feels all full and bloated. Man, I wish I didn't eat that fucking sandwich. I think I need to al roker my stomach.
Wouldn't it be fun for all if it turned out al roker was a serial killer. I mean, he has the look of it. He's all happy and stuff on the outside, but you know deep down inside he wants to tear flesh from bone with his teeth and prance around with his dick tucked in between his legs.
Well, that's just my observation.
Speaking of serial killers, I saw Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer last night. It was pretty violent. At this one point Henry visits this family from Patalooka, Texas and teaches them how to cook smart while relaying the weather to the rest of the country.
That was al roker!
Wouldn’t it be awesome if they made a gum that really blew your mind? I mean, you remember that one gum where when you chewed it liquid would come out like you were chewing someone's kidney? Something like that. Maybe have the gum punch you in the face once you started chewing it??? That would be sooooo RAD!
Anyway, I'm sure these are all good ideas.
Peace up,mtta


Losers Keep Winning

Friday, as you may have read, I ate an ugly sandwich. Man, that didn't feel too good.
Later in the evening, I went to Red Robin for drinks with oddjobs from work. Nothing eventful there.
Even later, I headed back to Seattle and fought a good hour of traffic. Josh ditched out, but Chris was well on his way.
I think Chris is hitting a learning threshold as he didn't call me nine times on his way over.
Once home, Chris bitched about parking and we drank a beer or two.
Then, it was onto the Great Nabob for pool and drinks – or so we thought. The pool tables were taken over.
So, Chris ordered a sandwich and I, some beer. Chris' sandwich came with weeds and dressing and I made him eat every bite of it. Simply telling Chris that he can't digest anything but trans-fats will make him eat the most heinous of plant life. I cringed as I watched him devour endive, or whatever, soaked in vinegar.
After that, we left for the concert. The concert promised:
The drummer from Jane's Addiction
The guitarist from Porno for Pyros
The guy from Candlebox.
Surprisingly, it was a good concert.
We ran into some old school dope dealer from high school and chatted a bit. My drink was NOT on. By 11, I couldn't drink anything more without making vomiting faces.
After the concert, we went to Dick's.
Now, we cabbed it, like good drunks, and we had two distinct conversations with two different cab drivers.
The one on the way to the concert told us that many women invite them in to commit savage sexual acts on them. Also, some guy once gave a cabby 100 bucks to plug his wife. The surprise occurred when the voyeuristic man finished himself on the poor cabby's back.
So, if you are with a girl, it might be important to ask her what the chances are she'll ever screw a cabby just for the hell of it. I think this is important, because some guys might not like the idea that their girlfriend is tonsil deep on some cabby's cock.
On the way home, the second cab driver asked us about the concert. Chris told the man that we saw some Caribbean band and that they gave him a drum stick.
Now, the first part of that is a bald-faced lie. There was no Caribbean band. Chris was feebly trying to fuck with the cab operator.
Now, the drum stick part was kinda true. Stephen Perkins (jane's addiction) threw the drum stick at Chris. Now, if this was to give Chris a memento or if it was to injure Chris' fat-fuck face, I don't know. Later, Chris had it signed in my presence. So, that's three up close celebrity sightings: Stephen Perkins, John Curley, and Dave Reichert – in just three weeks!
Christ, I'm such a loser that my celebrity sightings suck.
Forward motion.
"Yeah, the lead singer (of the make-believe Caribbean band) was named Jack Meeeeeehoooff." Chris found this amusing. I, however, felt sorry for the cabby. Not because Chris was making fun of his lack of skepticism, but because he had to tolerate Chris thinking he had gotten one over on him.
It really sucks when the brain dead think they are making an ass out of you, but you know better, but are just too polite to say "Hey, fuck face, eat a bowl of dicks."
But, it doesn't matter.
None of this matters.
What does is that when the cabby dropped us off at Dick's for burgers, he said there was no need to write in a tip for my credit charge.
In my drunk stupor, I didn’t question this and just thought the cabby was trying to be nice.
Now, why I would think he'd be nice to me after Chris was acting like a three-year old, I don't know.
What I do know, now, is that I may have ended up letting the cabby tip himself hundreds of dollars.
So, Chris is an idiot and I'm probably broke.
At Dick's, Chris ordered burgers and I stood outside and smoked.
A security guard was posted at the Queen Anne Dick's to assure patrons that the restaurant was closed at 2.
This went on, the guard turning away would-be burger eaters, and suddenly the guard went into Stallone mode and jammed up the street.
It seemed a couple of women had gotten in a fight while exiting a nearby bar.
A couple to my right really lucked out with the fact that the guard took off. This is because, seconds after, the female component of the couple collapsed on a bench.
Now, I can only guess OD, considering that the male component had to carry her, ala Sleeping Beauty, to the lineup for cabs.
I offered assistance, that I probably wouldn't have been able to provide, but they shooed me away.
Chris emerged and we walked back to my place, passing a guy on the street (the boyfriend of the beat up girl) as he held his stomach and moaned. The girl was explaining to the security guard and other policemen that the other girl hit her and that she was just protecting herself. "It's not fair! It's not fair! Ask my boyfriend, he's right over there!" I followed the cop's glance to the boyfriend, who must have been hit as well. He was still on his knees, moaning incoherently. It seemed everyone lost that night.
I'm just waiting on my bank statement to tell me how much.
At home, I cracked a beer, chris went to bed and I turned on "I Love Lucy."
I thought about discharging the air from Chris' blow-up bed and give him a taste of my hard carpet, but it was late.
After the beer, I devoured a cold burger and fries that tasted like oh, so much ass.
So, let's tally it.

Victims of Friday:

Anybody whose wife is being pole'd by a cabby right now
Cabby 2
Heroin addict
Pussy boyfriend
Incredulous girlfriend

Cab drivers everywhere schtooping our wives
Super Security Guy

Once again, life is not fair and the losers are the heroes and vise versa.

P. Doodly

Introducing: Email


Dick on the mind? Gross.

-----Original Message-----From: Scott McCarron Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:17 PMTo: Chris Weisberg; Matt Eckert;
Subject: RE: question for you Scott

That's pretty bad when I can't remember my own phrase.......

-----Original Message-----From: Chris Weisberg Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:16 PMTo: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron;
Subject: RE: question for you Scott

Yes. Scott started it and we used that phrase often.

-----Original Message-----From: Matt Eckert Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:13 PMTo: Chris Weisberg; Scott McCarron;
Subject: RE: question for you Scott

chris, you remember using that phrase, right?

-----Original Message-----From: Chris Weisberg Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:09 PMTo: Matt Eckert; Scott McCarron;
Subject: RE: question for you Scott

Fatty (Scott) used that phrase all the time. Now he uses JAGADICK. Nicely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----From: Matt Eckert Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:04 PMTo: Scott McCarron; 'Eckert, Caroline J.'Cc: Chris Weisberg
Subject: RE: question for you Scott

eat a bowl?
you don't remember that?

-----Original Message-----From: Scott McCarron Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:04 PMTo: 'Eckert, Caroline J.'Cc: Matt Eckert
Subject: RE: question for you Scott

I don't remember ever using that phrase........

-----Original Message-----From: Eckert, Caroline J.
Sent: Monday, November 08, 2004 2:00 PMTo: Scott McCarronCc: Matt Eckert
Subject: question for you Scott

Scott, true or false, back in the day (mid nineties according to Eckert) you and Matt and all your buddies used to use the expression “you can eat a bowl of dicks”?
HAR, this will annoy Matt. Egggggsssellent.

Liner Notes

My Linear Notes

Thanks go to: Allah, Kevin Jordan, Jordache Jeans, Brian "Kendel" Kendel, Angela "that girl who asked me to fuck her in the ass" Ross, Daniel Stern, McDonald's, Hashbrowns, that beer I had at 10 am on June 13, 1995, Big Mike and the Ass Wreckin' Crew, this black guy I know, the Republic of Chechnya, Barbara Walters, Johnny "three note" Threenote, Brian "Brian Smith" Smith, Veronica Dungeness Crabs, Amtrack, Caroline, Eddy, Bean Boy and Bobsy, Silent Washer, Mr. Kleitch, the Jordanian Embassy, Roswell, Jordache Jeans again, that condom that didn't break when I nailed that large woman, tater tots, the color blue, vinyl flooring, elm trees everywhere, the Chinese language, Veronica Bedbottoms, phones, my eyeballs, Christ, Satan, Neil Armstrong, Linda Ronstandt, Gloria Vanderbilt, Lionel Ritchie, the Ritchie family, Pops Two Note, Argosy Cruises, Plexiglass, the Neil Diamond Orchestra, Sandy, Kendel, and the whole marching band of Totem Lake highschool, bowling shoes, the Wall Disc 1, Lou Dobbs, Senator Palpatine, Chewbacca, the entire cast of Casablanca, Emilio Estevez, Doug, Ron, Phillip, Arby's, beach towels, and the good people at Midas. Matt Eckert would like to send a special shot out to the entire moon of Titan.


There's no Reason to Eat Another Taco

Man. You remember Friday, when I ate that sandwich and felt all shitty?
Well, it happened again. This time it was with tacos. You see, my mom made tacos for Thanksgiving and...wait, I need to look at, Shannon is beating up homeless people again.
Anyway, so my sister's are going to Chicago for Thanksgiving, so my mom had a special Thanksgiving on Sunday.
It doesn't explain why she made turkey, potatoes, salad, stuffing....and tacos.
But, anyway, so I took some taco meat home and made some tacos yesterday.
Well, I had one and it tasted oh, so good. So, I had another, then another and now I'm sick as all hell. There's no reason to eat another taco after you have had one. Man, what was I thinking?

You Feel Me? That's 100% solid emotion

I just got into my cube and for ten minutes we were on the edge of calling facilities to find what could only be a decaying rat in the air ducts.

Low and behold, it was some dude who brought shrimp. Now, I would think that if people think that a rat has died when you open your meal of shrimp, that you would smell the fact that your shrimp is probably far beyond driven.

But, never mind that, how do you have the sheer ballage to open a can of stink like that and feel secure with the stink you produced? How fucking rude. You might as well take a dump at your desk. In fact, the dump would smell better.

What else? Well, after reposting old political stuff to this site I will try to promise no more. Looking back now, I realize how self-righteous I sounded, as well as boring.

Oh, but Bush is still an asshole.

Tsunami update: Well, it seems the world is coming together and donating like all hell to help those affected by the tsunami. Even celebrities. I think John Travolta just bought the island of Phucket. He was donating to the relief effort and in his haste he didn't realize he dropped enough to buy the island. In response he was quoted as saying "Phucket."

That was schweet.

Update on how I'm currently not getting laid: December was a good month. Sadly, a good month. For a normal man, it would be a bad month.

NAME WITHHELD1: Well, we started out with NAME WITHHELD1 who I was able to bed for three days before she broke it off with a text message. Recently, I found her friend's phone in my car and she was supposed to come by and pick it up. But, trying to be funny I texted "Feel free to cum by and go nowhere with me." This was in response to her saying that she didn't see us going anywhere together when she broke it off. My attempt at humor was probably sabotaged by spelling come with a "U."

NAME WITHHELD2: This is the woman who I talked to a lot and have gone out with twice in the course of almost a year. I don't think she considers either event as a date, so I'm not sure if this counts. But, it's good practice for when I actually do have a date. I went and saw a movie and had dinner and a beer. Magical.

NAME WITHHELD3: This would be my ex-girlfriend's friend who I made out with in front of some bar waiting for a taxi. Later, I would sleep in the same bed with her and my ex-girlfriend. Diagnosis: no way to score. I got her number though, and planned on doing something with her on the following Wednesday. Monday I texted her and she never texted back.


Well, the next day I noticed that my texts to her were still in my Outbox. I'm no good with a phone, and decided that meant they weren't sent, like with Outlook. Well, they were. So, that was assface move number 1. Then, I decided to call her and I was cut off by a bad signal mid ring. So, I had to call her again and....well, let's just say I spent that Wednesday watching fly fishing on PBS.

NAMEWITHHELD 4: This would be the woman that I met at the great Nabob on New Years. Oh, everything was coming up Matt: she gave me her number, I kissed her, and she invited me to a party at her friend's loft. Later, I would realize I lost the napkin with all this vital information and would spend a good portion of the evening digging through a garbage can to no avail.

NAMEWITHHELD 5: This would be the drunk girl I met in my hallway. She was wasted and all I could manage was a brief make out. Later, I would open the door to my neighvor's place and find her on some dude. I would then feel like an ass for talking to her in the first place, have her come over and think that I was jealous or something, then have her say she was coming back and never see her again.

NAMEWITHHELD 6: This would be the porno movie Weisberg finally brought back that I wanked off to on Saturday and last night. I would totally go all the way with this movie and I see her being in my life for weeks to come.

All in all, as you can see, I'm a total pimp. Dolemite's got nothing on me.


That's right. We're soon to be hit by what could be up to five inches of snow in Washington. That's F-I-V-E (5) inches of snow. It should settle in Thursday night and blister our greater Puget Sound area through the weekend. The stores are crowding up with the desperate, combing aisle after aisle for de-icer, bread, milk, cereal, alcohol, cold medication, cantaloupe, and herring. If you don't own a gun, go out and buy one, for swarms of thermal underwear'd mutations will be attacking your home in search of your herring and flashlights. Tell the kids to conserve their energy: no sledding this year – for this winter will not end and every quanta of energy is precious for the imminent hibernation. Woe to you, oh Washington. Woe.



Matthew Cornwall Effervescent


Dude, I'm Totally Going to get in with the Flying Saucer Crowd


Emails are Ripe Today

So, last night I saw a UFO. That's right! Don't try to debunk my shit either. Here is the story I sent via EMAIL to family:

UTR099 Help Topics menu (HELP)

and the help text for the following fields of UTR099:


Wait, no, that's something else on my clip board. Let me find it. Here ya go:

So there i was - on jenny's back deck. i had heard that the northern lights
>might be out, so i ventured a long stare into the sky. immediately, i saw
>something that looked like a shooting star, but going a bit slower and
>looking much larger - but, that wasn't the ufo.
>i called into brad, but he was changing elijah. "brad, i saw a shooting
>or something!" i said.
>Brad said he'd be out.
>So, i continued to look for more, thinking it was a shower. i gazed up
>towards the north star and saw this one star moving. It looked just like a
>star, but it was moving. so, i figured it was a plane or satellite. But,

>was moving side to side, backward and around as well as straight - unlike

>plane or anything. it was weird. brad witnessed it too.

Shocking? Oh, yes.
But, that was not the only rare sighting of last night. According to EMAIL, Rachel (this one chick) saw Eddie Vedder at some Death Cab concert performing an encore. Eddie Vedder is a rarity in Seattle when he can find work.
Moving right along, my other EMAIL thread was from a coworker who explained that many of the wives here at work go out for "dessert" when their husbands are out of town.
As she explains it:
Yes they know somewhat....they do role playing with them but don't know that it really happens outside there so called marriage.
I guess it keeps the spark!

Shocking? Erotic? You bet. I guess most of the women out there actually perform there role playing parts in real life. Which means I have an ex-girlfriend who banged multiple plumbers, burglars and handimen when I wasn't home. As much as lesbian sex is erotic, I don't think I'd ever role play another woman. The sound of me trying to talk like a girl would totally turn me off.
Um...I think that's it for now.
Also, if you're a Seattle – area resident and witnessed the UFO I witnessed, please drop a line.And for you, you aliens that I saw, if you're going to do an autopsy on me, please stay away from my pooper.

An Email


>Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 13:44:17 -0800
>Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
>You don't know that.
> >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 13:41:46 -0800
> >
> >no, i'm pretty sure i'd want to nail you.
> >
> >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> >
> >
> >You don't know that.
> >
> > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 13:36:44 -0800
> > >
> > >just because i would like to nail you, doesn't mean i love you.
> > >
> > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > >
> > >
> > >Because you love me
> > >
> > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 13:19:02 -0800
> > > >
> > > >why would i waste my time doing anything you suggested?
> > > >
> > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >We're not going to the Necter, I was just asking if you've ever been
> > >there
> > > >since it was right by your house, kinda. It's my friends club, he
> > > >opened it, you should go check it out.
> > > >
> > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 12:53:26 -0800
> > > > >
> > > > >so, have fun in lake necter or whatever.
> > > > >
> > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >Yeah, so?
> > > > >
> > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 12:45:20 -0800
> > > > > >
> > > > > >wtf? it's nothing against him. i don't remember you ever going
> >of
> > > > >your
> > > > > >way to do things with me and my girlfriends.
> > > > > >so, basically, in the friend dept., you are a suckier friend than
> > >am.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >He'll be crushed.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 12:40:55 -0800
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >i have no interest in meeting your boyfriend/fiance.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >That's sweet.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 12:36:36 -0800
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >hey, that's right by me.
> > > > > > > >not interested.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >At the in-laws, Lake Union.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 12:32:50 -0800
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >where?
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > >Parents, dinner.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 10:38:22 -0800
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >with? for what?
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > >I'm going there tonight.
> > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 10:32:50 -0800
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >seatown, baby
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >Where do you want to go?
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 10:26:38 -0800
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >whatev. regardless, i'm tired of always going where
> > > >want
> > > > >to
> > > > > > >go.
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > >Well that's because you took forever to return my
> >e-mail
> > > >and
> > > > >I
> > > > > > > >forgot
> > > > > > > > > >to
> > > > > > > > > > > >bring my lap top
> > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 10:16:48 -0800
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >i was uninvited:(
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >That's sweet. I was at the joker last night, where
> > >were
> > > > >you?
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >Date: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 11:26:32 -0800
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >i just like sending you random pictures.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >Subject: RE: 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >and....
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Date: Mon, 8 Nov 2004 10:53:07 -0800
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > <<232974357105_0_alb.jpg>>
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 232974357105_0_ALB.jpg
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > ><<>>
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > >

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Underwater Petting Zoo

Underwater Petting Zoo Idea

So, I have this idea about this underwater petting zoo.
You take the kids down in a submarine and have all these gloves that are attached to the submarine that hang off the sides, but are accessible from the inside: like in a nuclear lab.
So, you take the kids down, underwater-likes, and they all put their hands in the gloves and get to pet any of the aquatic organisms that pass by.
Also, there'd be, like, some windows so the kids could see what they were petting.
But, it doesn't stop there.
You see, kids are stupid and no matter what kind of environment you're in, they're going to expect goats at a petting zoo.
Kids are idiots.
So, I'd hook a swarm of goats up to oxygen tanks and send them down with the sub on ropes and stuff. When the sub finally settles on the sea floor the goats would settle as well and fall slowly to the seabed.
On the seabed, they'd try to gallop or whatever, but they'd be all aquatic now, so they'd just look like retards. But, the kids are all stupid and would get a kick out of petting them anyway.
Then, I'd advertise a wild card event.
You see, sharks crave goat flesh, so, maybe a swarm of sharks would come by and devour the goats in a horror show the likes of which you haven't seen since Cambodia. The kids would be all freaked out, but it would teach them about ecosystems.

Man, my good ideas are so fucking awesome.

Homo shit

Dead Animal Farm Idea

So, I have this other idea about animals.

This time it's about dead ones.

See, kids these days don't know anything about deadness. Deadness is all around us. It's in the plants, the oceans, and in convenient stores.

What kid's need to understand is that they, one day, will be dead too. But, even further, they need to know that when they die maggots will eat their flesh and they will smell even worse than they do now. Taking it another step further, kids need to know that their friends and family will also decompose and puss and look like bloody shit one day and there's nothing they can do about it.

That's why I have this idea about this dead animal farm.

On the dead animal farm, all the animals are dead and decomposing. So, the children walk in and immediately are hit with the tangiest death stank in the world and they're all like "mom, what's that smell?"

Mom will respond, that's what it's going to smell like when my bloated stomach explodes due to methane gases that need to escape mommy's body, as is God's plan.

The kid's will love it, once they get over the stench. If they don't – fuck em', they deserve little more.

So, I bet you're asking "Matt, how will we keep the animals in a constant state of decomposition?"

Simple, my ass knuckling friend – we'll continually replenish the dead animals.

See, the forest and streets of our lands are JAM PACKED with animals for the slaughter. Like, right now, I could get a raccoon, a deer, a possum, a cat, my neighbor's dog – all of them! Then, I break their necks and let nature do her work – in front of the wee children.

It's just that simple.You can get a hotdog and a coke and watch as "Terry" the cocker spaniel, gives birth to a swarm of maggots that eat her from the inside out. Your kids will love it – and learn!

What could be better?

Damn, I'm smart.

We Just...

K, Dead Animals aren't Funny Hey, I know what you're thinking – how come I don't get an erection when I look at cantaloupe anymore. Hey, I hear you.

But, what I want to talk to you about is the previous article "Dead Animal Farm." I want to make sure my readers know that I find nothing funny or enjoyable about "breaking animal neck" or "beating young kittens senseless."

My aim in the previous story was to show my readers just how fragile life really is. Like when you're beating a hen savagely and its head pops off.

I really wanted to display a softer side of myself. I didn't want to nurture any deep seated feelings regarding the brutal final solution for all ox and ox-like animals.

Animals are fun meat puppets for us all to play with – not to beat or harm. Children should never witness the brutal realities of animal decomposition.

No, children should be sheltered and nurtured like small French fries that cannot be eaten because they are so small.

Look, hey, you can cast your barbs and angry letters at me – I can take it.

But, please don't take this out on the innocent dead animals that line my fence, rammed onto each fence post in a manner so offensive the FCC fined me.


I've Changed my Mind – Dead Animals ARE Funny

Look, there's a lot of life lessons, and one of them is that you'll change your mind now and again. Like, when you think that dead animals are no longer funny.
See, for me, it all came down to the "ha ha", if you will. Dead animals are not clever or ironic, no. But, they are "ha ha" funny. Like if you witness a horse run through traffic and just get annihilated by a dump truck. There's nothing clever there; it's just a cheap joke.
So, therefore, I retract my last statement and amend it to:

Horses Getting Hit by Dump Trucks are a Prescription for HA HA

There, I said it.
I do not, however, condone the wholesale slaughter of horses by dump trucks. That would not be funny. In order for a horse being hit by a dump truck to be funny, you must see it at random and only once.
Put it this way: imagine a horse being hit by a dump truck. JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!! OK, now, imagine that same thing once again.
I bet you didn't laugh the second time, did you?
Look, we are all made from the same primordial goop, except people from Texas, and we all find different things funny. I, myself, may find dead horses funny and you may not. But, damnit, we need to celebrate the differences! So what if I want to rob banks and dress up like Al Roker on Thanksgiving – are those crimes?
Nay, they are expressions of the human will to just be. Now, you've gone and made me cry. I hope you are happy.


Birch is the Shittiest of Trees

No lie. If you ever see a Birch tree, shake your head in disgust. These trees are rotten. They stand all tall and act like they're so great. Don't believe it. Birch trees are for shit. No one needs them. You sure don't. Tell the world! Shout it loud!
If you are French, climb the Eiffel Tower and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
If you are English, climb Big Ben and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
If you are Norwegian, go visit some popular attraction in Norway and yell "Birch sucks" in your own language.
How do you like them apples?
Fucking Birch trees never learn.
For instance: I'm at Burger King and I order this Whopper and onion ring meal and this Birch tree comes up, behind the register, and goes "May I take your order." This is after I had already ordered.

Or, this other time, I'm at the local grocery store and I'm looking at the expiration date on milk and this Birch tree comes up and says "Hey, you gonna buy that?" Like I'm some petty crook. Fucking obnoxious Birch trees.
Oh, and then I'm driving on the highway and this Birch tree pulls up right by me and guns his engines, like he's some hot shot.
Dude, Birch trees suck.
If you meet a Birch tree on the street, keep your money close; the Birch trees will totally rob you with no provocation.
Look, I think I made my point here. If you don't believe me, go into the forest some day (that's where they're from) and see if you can find one descent Birch tree.
I bet you can't.

Except for Morris the Birch tree. Morris is my main man. I love you Morris!


I'm a tire


They have ascended on my place of bidness.
Every year, my company holds a crafts fair. I guess it wouldn't bother me if it wasn't taking place in EVERY FUCKING HALLWAY IN MY BUILDING.
I went down to the cafeteria (some people call it a deli, I call it a cafeteria) and it took me a half hour to get down three flights of stairs.
On every corner there is a group of moppets and their parents selling plausibly useful crap. Like, pins, buttons, flags, quilts, wreaths, and homemade dogs.
It's enough to make me retch.
When I was a wee toddler, my mom got into this "craft" thing and I had to go to these craft sales; sometimes hosted by my own mother. She made Cabbage Patch clothes for dolls. Others made confections or wreaths.
So, walking the hallways brought back a lot of memories. Like the one where I worried that my mom might be poor and destitute enough to sell homemade clothing for dolls.
Another thing that bothers me is how overpriced this shit is. It's like you can get a wreath at Kmart for six bucks, but the same wreath made by Charlotte is now fifty. I'm not saying Chris' mom is ripping people off, no there are far more personal afflictions to her soul that surpass this. What I am saying is that when you break a wreath down, acorn by acorn, you find that making one yourself is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Sadly, I have been to Michael's and have seen some of the price tags on this shit. One acorn, to make to a nine acorn wreath probably runs a good two bucks. So, you're already in the red with just the fucking acorns.
The sad part is walking by the tables that aren't getting any bidness. There's this family hocking ski caps, or some shit, and they're twirling them around and no one's paying attention and they got their kids there and they just look like complete losers. It's fucking sad. I feel for them. But, I'm sure as shit not going to buy some shitty ski cap.
But, the basic reason this sucks is that all of this crap is completely useless. Who the fuck needs an American flag potholder? A joker ski cap that went out in 94? A pin with a duck taped to it? Salad tongs made out of a duck's rib cage?
Fucking garbage. I wouldn't regift this shit.
Oh, and I will tell you right now – if anyone gives me a wreath with nine acorns on it for Christmas I'm going to find a really warm place for it.
What the fuck is a wreath anyway? I mean, when you think about it, it's like nailing the shit from your gutters on your fucking door.
Christ, it's like a third world nation just collapsed inside my building.
Luckily I'm a straight male, and therefore, no one expects me to buy this shit.
No one needs to see children knitting what may pay for their only meal of the day. And even if they are learning a trade, it's not like people buy this rotten shit more than once a year – so they're fucked anyway.

Look, everyone agrees – craft fairs are abominations.

In the neck

Free Burritos Anybody who's interested – free burritos in my cube!!! Come one, come all.But! You will have to get into my building – passed the flying dogs and the killer bees. No man has yet entered the building without a plausible badge.Notice I said "man?" That's right, once, a fortnight ago a woman of great virtue was able to wrastle the flying dogs to the ground and tame the killer bees. That was a glorious day to be Helen BonCarter, I can tell you that much my friend.She strode in and beat the security unmercifully and vanquished the lunch lady. She was a true artist in her deadly art and found her way to my cube where she scorched her tongue on free burritos.Quite a tale, huh?Quite. She had luscious legs that ran all the way up to her chin and a striking chest of huge milk jugs that bounced when sh –Oh, but I have become vulgar. Anyway, so basically, the moral of this story is that there was free burritos in my cube, but I think they are all gone now. There are, however, beverages left for those that have a fancy to be struck.Oh, plus this one dude stunk up the bathroom. Hmmmm......maybe it was from the burrito-ee goodness?Maybe so!

Eight is not enough

Eight is NOT Enough

Dear Tom Bradford,

For fuck sakes, man! What the hell is this "eight is enough" shit? You think eight is enough? Buddy, I mean, I know your wife died and all, but you're back in the saddle, you got a new hoe and the whole bit.
So, Tom, what the fuck? Eight? No, Tom, you gotta keep FUCKING!
Look, Tom, good Christians know that birth control is the spawn of Satan – but, goddamn, Tom, you got to bone your wife some more!
I mean, the proof is in the pudding: Mary, David, Joanie, Nancy, Elizabeth, Tommy, and Nicholas. What more could you ask?
Another fucking eight!
Tom, take a good look at Abby. She's your second bitch up in there and she's just asking to be taken from behind. Tom, you need to get another eight Hitler Youth-esque drone children into the world.
Tom, take it from me: there is far too little feathered haired, blonde, Hitler Youth children in the world today. Hell, some of them are all mixed up into all sorts of weird colors.
Tom, we need you. You and your precious seed.
So, Tom, please, for the love of God – you need to give Abby a trouser full of beef and put some more little toeheads into the mix that is Mother Earth.


Win Big Money

Keno tickets.
Soon, we were back at Battleship, where we summarily lost another twenty apiece.
It was looking grim, and we had only wasted an hour. Which sucks, cuz unless you want to blow another fifty, you're going to have to leave. And leaving after only an hour doesn't justify the trip out to Auburn.
So, I bit the bullet and pulled another forty bucks. I was on my third beer, and figured I had another two left in me before I would have to leave.
I decided it was time to start thinking strategically. What machine gives me the chance to pick my own way of losing?
And then, staring me in the face was a Keno ticket I had just lost on.
"Of course!" I shouted to my fellow patrons. "It was Keno all along!"
But, not the regular Keno, no, it was the slot machine version.
I quickly shoved twenty bucks into the machine, picked some numbers and awaited destiny.
With ten credits left out of forty, I began sinking further into the vinyl chair. I had smoked three cigarettes and the beer was tasting like bitter defeat.
I began rallying myself for the inevitable departure. I did not want to repeat the New Year's episode of 2001, where I lost a grand in some horrible carnival, circus-land casino at Baker.
No, I was ready to leave, 70 down. Josh came by and showed me the Sympathy card the Keno woman had handed him, the drunk next to me was eyeing my machine like a vulture, and the beer was almost drunk.
It was endgame.
I sighed, and bet another credit, just to get rid of them.
I just kept blindly smacking the "spin" button, hoping that this would soon be over.
Then, on credit seven, I hit.
I cashed out and I quickly gave Josh $50 (when you gamble, it's you against the casino. If you're with friends, it's both of you. You need to establish a system where one guy wins and you all win.) Then, I instructed him to order us two beers, and two ten-dollar tickets.
I won another fifty on that ticket and promptly left.
It was an amazing day, and I thank the lord for his providence.
Blessed art the machines that dispense gems and gold, for they are the machines that keep us occupied as we continue to lose.

But, not that day, my friend.

So, that's my heroic story of courage in the face of immense obstacles. Some would call me a survivor, a hero. But, you can just call me Matt.
Feel free to pass this story of inspiration on to others. For, the world is yours if you just learn to work for it.

God bless,Horace