Wednesday, February 24, 2010

One or Two Liners

This one day I changed my name to Morten. Not legally or anything – just in my head. It gave me a new perspective on life. No one knew who the hell I was and they kept calling me Matt.

If you ever win the lotto, remember to get a good attorney. I think this is because most people have always dreamed of having their own attorney. Like when you get pulled over and you say "Wait till my attorney gets ahold of you!" But now you're not lying. You really have an attorney. Or "You'll be hearing from my lawyer!" No one buys it, but if you really had one, you could have your attorney call them and be like "Bet you thought that was a petty threat my client made? Well, here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."

Recently, I found out that there was a mouse living in my apartment. I realized this when I noticed the miniature hat stand and sitting bench.

I got pulled over the other day for going the wrong way in a one way lane in a state park. The ranger guy asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And I kept thinking "But you're on foot. You didn't pull me over." So I said "I pulled over to park. You just walked over here." He said "Exactly! I just wanted to get inside of the head of the criminal – the one that went into a one way lane the wrong way."

As a smoker I take great issue with those that walk into my second hand smoke. Hey, buddy – pay for your own cigarettes.

My favorite Olympic game is smelting. What's that you say? There's no smelting in the Olympics? Then what's the torch for?

I like to live my life in the fast lane. That way, when bad stuff happens it's all like ZOOOOOM! You don't even notice it, cuz you're in the fast lane. But the problem with that is you can't enjoy the really wondrous parts of life, like a baby cooing or your wife's last words before she dies because it's all like ZOOOOOOM! Hey, I barely know you, babe.

If you dug a tunnel to the center of the Earth and threw a ball up above your head it would fall just like it did on the surface of the Earth. It took 56 million dollars and 38 Persians for me to figure this out. But it was worth it.

My favorite game as a child was Monopoly. It's that game where you buy property and sell it and try to make the most money, then you win. But we'd play it backwards to get rid of all our property and money – my parents were Buddhists.

Statistics show that you are more likely to get killed in a forest fire than being caught by a giant mousetrap. That's the thing about statistics – they drive the giant mousetrap business.

They say that if you lose one sense, the other senses get stronger. So, if you ever wanted to compete in a senses match, you probably want to really fuck your head up really bad in a car crash and then be all pro at the Touch games.

A funny thing to do is bring a Bible to a funeral and read it. If anyone asks you about it, just say "I just want to see how this ends."

If I could be one brand of peanut butter, I would probably be Skippy. Because it tastes like shit and no one would eat me.

There's two ways to go about things: 1. With calm concentration and an eye for detail. 2. Like you were trying to fish your nuts out of a running blender.

They say there's always a calm before the storm. Q: What comes after the storm? A: More calm.

Strive to be number one. Number one is very important. It's the first dude to do something. Or the first dude to get picked to do something. So, when the shit hits the fan, you probably don't want to be number one. But don't be the worst. I hope that makes sense, Tommy.

I recently was researching my family tree and I noticed that there are a lot of cake decorators in my family. I don't really like cake, but I do get the urge to decorate them when I see them. So much so that I ruined a wedding once. The point is, you can't beat nature. But I'm not about to take some job at Safeway decorating cakes. That would be stupid.

There's a lot of controversy lately about global warming. Some people say it exists and others say that it's a lie. I tend to not care. I mean, what could I really do to stop global warming if it exists? Sure, I could recycle and walk to work, but wouldn't the effort just burn more calories? And when you burn calories you pollute. So, you know, litter.

A nightmare is just a good dream in reverse. Except that one where I keep just getting my nuts caught in a blender. That one is bad in either direction.

A wise man once said "A wise man once said".

To truly be equal – all races, creeds, and colors – you need to handicap the masses. The best way to do this is make everyone wear fanny packs. That way, you see someone acting all cool and big shotty, you can just think "That dork is wearing a fanny pack". Of course, you'd have one too. But you'd be like "He's blood."

I hate to break it to you, but there will never be an end to war. War is part of our culture. Even if there was a culture that didn’t have war as part of their culture, we would go to war with them and then they'd be at war whether they liked it or not. So, again – litter.

My Mother used to wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. If she just would have brushed my teeth every time I probably wouldn't have all these cavities.

Monday, February 8, 2010

This Time I Got Bent Out of Shape

April 22
I appreciate your help, but this policy is a joke and a con job on consumers.

Please forward this on to your higher ups:

I have posted my feelings concerning this rip off on my company's bulletin board (7 countries, thousands of employees - it's Verif). This bulletin board is electronically accessed by all employees and your deceitful policies have been documented, along with the poor condition your product is mailed in.

Also, I'll be posting this on my personal website that receives more than 2 hits an hour.

The following is a copy of the post that I will be updating daily until I get a full refund:

From ----------> MATT ECKERT Date Sent ----> 4/22/05

Mail ID -----> DOC06 Time Sent ----> 15:32:42

Subject -------> AVOID NETFLIX

- Most discs show up scratched, broken, or basically unplayable.

- I purchase a gift subscription, so that I wouldn't have to worry

about paying on my VISA for the service for awhile. The gift

subscription was completely paid for and I now find that I

cannot redeem it because VISA doesn't CURRENTLY have any money

on it. Keep in mind: I already paid for the subscription. So,

because I don't have money in my account, I cannot receive the

service that was paid for. So, what they want is to make sure

that once the paid for service is up, they have access to your

account to keep the service going passed the gift subscription.

It's basically a con.

Avoid Netflix. Terrible service and overall a con. I would go with

the new Blockbuster system as I have heard it is much better with +

Thanks for your time.

-----Original Message-----

From: Netflix Customer Service []

Sent: Friday, April 22, 2005 4:15 PM

To: Matt Eckert

Subject: Re: RE: RE: Billing and Pricing

Hi Robert,

Thanks for your inquiry.

We do require a valid method of payment for every Netflix Rental Subscription, including all promotions and Gift Subscriptions. This is to verify account information, to ensure your identity, to provide security for the shipped discs and to allow an easy transition to the paid service upon the conclusion of a free trial or gift subscription period.

Gift Subscriptions are non-refundable at this time. We appreciate you taking the time to provide us with your feedback and comments. I sincerely apologize for the difficulties you've experienced. Please be assured that we are continually striving to improve our service.

If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us.



Netflix Customer Service .

> -----Original Message-----

> From: MEckert> Sent: Friday, April 22, 2005 3:24:00 PM

> To:

> Subject: RE: RE: Billing and Pricing



> All I can guess in your lack of response is the following condition:

> -Recipients will need a valid method of payment (credit card or payment

> via

> checking account) to activate the membership.


> What I imagine you're saying is that because the current card I am using

> is

> empty of funds I can't receive my gift subscription.

> The subscription is paid for. Those funds HAVE gone through. Regardless

> of

> your rule (which i can only guess is to ensure that you can bank on

> someone's account once their gift is up) that policy is a con.

> A service was paid for and I'm not receiving that service.

> Please refund the money that was paid for that service at once.

> I've been waiting on the phone for a rep and am receiving NO service

> there.

> Most of the discs I receive are scratched and unplayable and I've been

> EXTREMELY non-reactive about this.

> But, this con job is the last straw. Poor service is one thing - no

> service

> is another.

> Once something is paid for, there shouldn't be a check on whether the

> consumer can pay for it again.

> I want my money refunded at once.



> -----Original Message-----

> From: Netflix Customer Service []

> Sent: Friday, April 22, 2005 1:42 PM

> To: Matt Eckert

> Subject: Re: RE: Billing and Pricing NFLX ID: >


> Hi Robert,


> Thanks for your message.


> We appreciate you redeeming a Netflix gift subscriptions. Our terms of

> use

> for gift subscriptions states the following:


> -Recipients will need a valid method of payment (credit card or payment

> via

> checking account) to activate the membership.


> -During the Gift Subscription period, the subscriber (Recipient or

> Purchaser, as applicable) will not be charged as long as the subscriber

> is

> on the Netflix Standard Program Netflix will begin to bill the

> subscriber's

> credit card for monthly subscription fees plus applicable sales tax at

> the

> completion of the gift subscription period unless the subscriber cancels

> prior to the end of the period. The Netflix Standard Program is a

> month-to-month subscription cancelable at anytime. Click the "Your

> Account"

> button for cancellation instructions. No refund or credits for partial

> periods.




> If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to

> contact

> us.


> Thanks,

> Kelly,

> Netflix Customer Service .




> > -----Original Message-----

> > From: MEckert
> > Sent: Friday, April 22, 2005 12:40:00 PM

> > To:

> > Subject: RE: Billing and Pricing NFLX ID:

> >

> >

> > I'm sorry, you're misunderstanding me.

> > Yes, the card is not working. However, I redeemed a gift subscription a


> > few

> > weeks ago for three months. Therefore, THAT should be working. If it is


> > not

> > you owe owe me the 55 dollars I paid for that subscription back in

> > December.

> > Please resolve this issue ASAP. It's ridiculous. Look in your records

> and

> > you will see that i have a gift subscription for three months that

> should

> > be

> > in effect. My card may not work, but the gift subscription should be

> > kicking

> > in.

> >

> > -----Original Message-----

> > From: Netflix Customer Service []

> > Sent: Friday, April 22, 2005 12:33 PM

> > To: Matt Eckert

> > Subject: Re: Billing and Pricing NFLX ID:

> >

> >

> > Dear Robert,

> >

> > Thanks for your inquiry.

> >

> > We have been unsuccessful in processing your charge card. The financial

> > institution that issued the card did not provide a specific reason why.

> > Please remember we do require a valid payment method for every Netflix

> > Subscription.

> >

> > In order to resolve this issue, you will need to update your account

> with

> > a

> > valid payment method. You can update your payment information directly

> > through Your Account.

> >

> > To do so follow the link below:

> >

> > If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to

> > contact

> > us.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Ken,

> > Netflix Customer Service .

> >

> >

> >

> > > -----Original Message-----

> > > From: meckert

> > > Sent: Friday, April 22, 2005 9:17:00 AM

> > > To:

> > > Subject: Billing and Pricing

> > >

> > >

> > > Subject: I'm being told my account is on hold because my card is not

> > > working. yet, i redeemed a gift subscription for three months two

> weeks

> >

> > > ago. what is going on?

> > > I received an email saying my account is on hold and yet I redeemed a


> > > gift subscription two weeks ago. What is the problem!?

> > > I'm sure my visa is not working. But, the gift subscription should

> be.

> >

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Back at the Sevi


Blitzkreig is me. I'm at a friend's house and I'll warn you I"m not going to be using spellcheck.

My buddies are watching the NFL draft. For those of you outside of the States, this is the equivilant of watching cheese mold.

Thanks to all of your support Netflix has been shut down and burned to the ground by rabid Larrington fans. It's really a shame, I hear nine died in the flames.


Apparently I'm having my apartment inspected on Monday. I have no idea why? I'm thinking about fighting it. Sure, they own the building, but the idea of someone going through my apartment is up there with Hitler sending jackboots or Churchill sending legionaires.

My apartment is that important.

Which reminds me: Churchill was a degenerate cretin and there's no reason anyone should ever take History's bullshit on the man.

You think Saddam was bad? Well, Churchill came close. Look it up, the guy wanted to gas Indians. And remember, this was before they had "pleasant death gas."

My neighvors all were partying out on the porch last night and I had this feeling like I was a social leper. I thought about saying "Hi" but didn't feel like being rejected at my own home.

Netflix even blows harder now that I popped Leviathan in my DVD and found that it wouldn't play passed twelve minutes. I'm glad we returned them to the Earth. They weren't playing well with the consumers.

My little sister is having a nervous breakdown. Which, with our genes is pretty normal. But, I didn't appreciate the "I HOPE YOU FEEL GUILTY" call.

Nine Inch Nails still kicks more ass than anything in the world, barring Hotpockets. Do yourself a solid and purchase the wonderful album "With Teeth" come May 3rd.

Anyone living in Seattle is encouraged to join us at The Great Nabob on Monday night, before the release on Tuesday, to drink and listen to the album after we purchase it at Tower at midnight.

VERY SAD NEWS: I just overheard "Coming Down the Mountain" by Jane's Addiction on a Coors commercial. Not only has Perry, or whoever owns the rights, sold out, but they've sold out to a company run by one of the leaders of the Heritage Foundation. The Heritage Foundation is a bunch of Anti Christ white people who spread Christianity like a disease and rape four year old boys in the dark hours of the night. Evangelical Christians and Republicans look at the Heritage Foundation like normal Earthlings look at the Beatles.

Ross just arrived with his daughter and is screaming for no apparent reason.

I'm broke. Still broke. There's something humbling about this and I'm not the type of person who needs any more humbling.

Well, I should talk to the other humans here.