Friday, January 14, 2011

Gordon Dunne

Gordon Dunne: Forest Management

"Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. His name is Matt the Match. You guys know what Matt the Match's specialty is?"
"No, what does he do?"
"He starts fires. And doesn't believe in Jesus Christ."

"A good rule of thumb is that if you can eat it - it's not poison. Like these mushrooms here. Taste pretty bad, but in a pinch, they'll get you through the day."
"Pretty sure none of that is true."
"Are you questioning a Forest Ranger?"
"Dude, we're in downtown Seattle."

"Well, there little fella, what are you doing out on your own in woods? Where are your parents."
(Dude, I'm a bear)

"Well, I imagine you could get high off of any of those mushrooms. But it's probably safer to know for sure. Let me ask that wood sprite over there."

"No. We do not carry guns. We carry bear mace and our own good wits. Bear mace, good wits, and charm. Bear mace, good wits, charm, and holy shti I shti my drawers - BEAR!"

"Now, if you see a cougar, you should act unafraid and approach it. This makes the cougar think you are superior. Now, with a bear, you want to try to trade with it. Like if you have some jewelry, ask the bear if he will trade some shrubs with you. This makes the bear and you equals. In bartering."

"Well, Jimmy, no Santa doesn't live here in the winter. I know what you're thinking - snow, elves, Santa."
"There's elves up here?"
"Dude's high."

"Folks, this is Wanda, the Park Helper Lady."
"Gordon, I'm a certified Parks Department Ranger."
"Park Helper Lady."

"Hello folks, while in the park, remember there is a 25 foot rule in regards to smoking. That means, if you get 25 feet from anything with a cigarette, you'll have to put it out. That includes the sidewalk."

"Folks, there's no "P" in bears. Let's keep it that way."
"Are you telling us not to pee on the bears?"
"For starters, yes."
"Are you insane?"

Thursday, January 13, 2011

John Hummus

There's a few things I know about pets, and I think the most important thing is that they are all animals.

Nine out of ten times you buy a dog, it's not a dog at all. No, it's a cat that is bizarrely affectionate...and two ferrets tied to a dog suit...with a milk bone in its mouth. This is all true.

You know what really gets under my skin? Scabies. And then, after that, scabies medication.

The best movie about animals is Lassie. The best TV show is Mr. Ed. And the best music is Pet Sounds. A lot of you might think Pet Sounds had nothing to do with animals, until you realize that animals were used as instruments on that entire album.

My first dog was named Benji. I named him after Ben Franklin, the man who invented the dog.

Back in the 1900s people used to live in the 80s. This has nothing to do with animals.

Nine out of ten times, when you are buying pet food you are just buying somebody's old pet.

Man, have you seen the stars? You know, in the sky? All of those stars could have planets and all of those planets could have Animal Planet networks. Then where would you be?

Some people believe a man named Noah saved all the animals of the world by putting them on a boat and forcing them to have sex with each other. I think they called it the Love Boat.

I have a friend who is vegan. He can't believe that I love animals and also eat them. So, I asked him, do you love p*ssy?

Sometimes I find myself petting things that aren't animals. Like the phone or the bank teller. I guess the bank teller is an animal, but it's not like a National Geographic animal. Like those guys with Safari hats and - what was I talking about?

Remember Dr. Doolittle? Not the one with Eddie Murphy, but the one with Marlon Brando and Cloris Leachman? Of course you don't, it hasn't been made - YET!

I think it would be neat to see a dolphin kill a tiger.

I was at the mall today. Just soaking up the beauty of my old pet shop. Frank asked that I leave, and I did. But not before I could open a small Orange Julius inside the shop.

It it had been a late night. I was working from home. After I had been fired, for all those parakeets I shoplifted, I started my own online business selling ants. To make a long story short, the ants succombed to a brutal brain disease that decimated their population and left them in little mounds all over the aquarium I had put them in that I bought from my brother Michael last year, before I was fired, for 60 $ - what a rip off. I will never do business with my brother again since he rips me off all the time and I have to...